Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

Ah yes, ‘you owe me!’. Classic excellent parenting, that one.

Teaching children to think of others is not a case of "you owe me"

and if the other parent sits down and has this important chat with the dc and it becomes all decided without the other parent there, that is an underhand way to carry on. Not a decent example to the dc and certainly not shared parenting or parenting together.

They can love and appreciate their mother without needing to live with her. If the situation were reversed there would be no suggestion of the kids being unreasonable or selfish for wanting to live full time with their mother.

Read the post about 50/50 parenting, its not about gender or reversed situation but about shared care and parenting together.

Are your DC girls or boys? Boys always seem to gravitate towards Dad.
Are their friendship groups closer to dads house?
I know it's incredibly hard but try not to take it personally.
Focus on maintaining your relationship with them.

50 50 works for some children, but I think it often meets the needs of the parents more than the children. How many adults want to split their time between two homes? Most of us want a secure base ie home

I have huge sympathy for OP, this is a horrible situation for her, but I can't help thinking lots of people are taking her side simply because she is the children's mother

Up and down the country, fathers are expected to tolerate EOW and maintain relationships with their children on that basis

If children have two parents who are able and capable of caring for them, why should it be expected/assumed that they choose mum rather than dad?

Yes, but in this case it isn’t just ‘thinking of others’ is it? It’s giving mum what she wants, regardless of what may be better for them. You can think of others AND also choose to prioritise your own needs at times. Not wanting to live full time with their mother does not mean that they don’t think of her, appreciate, or love her. Anyway, is it not also up to the mother to think of others? In this case her children, who have expressed a desire to live with their father, so shouldn’t she think of them before herself? Or is that just for the kids to do?

These aren’t small children. They have their own opinions that they can express to each individual parent without both parents needing to sit there in a room together.

If OP tries to take it to court she’s likely to be told the kids wishes are paramount, especially when one already lives with the father so he’s proven capable, and it means the siblings will be together. He’s also got a lot more money to throw at a court case, whereas OP is already struggling for money and representation doesn’t come cheap. If she just tries to ban them from going they could just vote with their feet and decide not to return to hers. It’s also likely to do long term damage to the relationship because she’s prioritising what she wants over what they want.

It is currently 50/50 parenting, which the children want to change . If they wanted to change it to live full time with their mother there would not be the suggestion that they’re materialistic arsehole, or that the mother is a moustache twirling villain conspiring against the father.

this thread is great for the double standards though. A mother wanting her children living with her full time? Natural. A father wanting the same? Dickhead with nefarious purposes. A father who wants his children 50/50 is trying to avoid maintenance, but a mother needs to hold onto her kids at all costs because god forbid she lose out on money or have to pay maintenance herself. A stepmother should treat the DC like her own (‘she knew what she was getting into!’) or she’s a child hating witch, until of course she does, then she’s a child stealing one. Kids that want to live with their mother full time? Well obviously, they need their mum and 50/50 is destabilising for children. Children that want to live with their father full time? Fuck them kids.

100% well said.

The suggestion from some PPs that the OP should be guilt-tripping her children to staying with her is unreal, especially from so many people who may be parents themselves.

And of course the SM - being the infertile, childless sad woman - is the one really behind all of this. I mean fgs…

It’s really sad for you OP. But they are teenagers. 50:50 maintained would be great, but kids always go where they are most comfortable. Teenagers are all selfish - even the really awesome ones! It’s not a reflection on their love for you and I am inclined to agree that they’ll probably be back a lot faster than you think.

But the children have a right to choose where they want to be most of the time. Whatever the father’s motive is for it, ultimately he is their father and loves them too. This is a good thing - MN is full of threads of NC fathers and dads who don’t want to be involved.

Try - and I know it’s hard - not to take this personally. And this is an amazing opportunity for you to be the fun parent, with her own amazing life. Model happiness - that will be way, WAYYYY more alluring for your DC than someone who tries to cry so much they feel they have to stay.

Seriously PPs - get your shit together with this bullshit, dangerous advice.

tell them OP, if they are old enough to decide where they want to live, they are old enough to listen to you feeling hurt and understanding their actions have consequences.

i think its twattish of your ex to help them decide this behind your back OP as a done deal. My heart breaks for you genuinly as a mother.

whumpthereitis

you keep regurgitating the same stuff about reversed situation - oh if it was the mother having the children full time it wouldn't be the same, this thread is full of double standards.

There was obviously a family chat about all this and they left the mother out, its not parenting together and its hurtful as I see it, the mother has put the dc first as she's not manipulated them or show her hurt afterward when they've told her. We obviously aren't going to agree on this.

Oh op my heart goes out to you

I have a similar situation in that my DS, (my eldest) dad is trying to manipulate DS to stay with him more and I think he's angling for full time. I left ex when DS was 3 months old due to years of mental and sometimes physical abuse. He barely saw DS for the first 5 years of his life and also did not pay a penny CSA for him. then got with his current wife and Lo and behold suddenly wanted access. But he has done the bare minimum DS's whole life while I've done all the hard parts and done everything for him. And my husband has been an amazing stepdad and a way better parent than ex. While ex saw him once a week, but never took him out or bought him anything and also never even paid the full amount of CSA.
Yet all of a sudden he wants him ?!

I fucking hate the prick. I've made it clear to DS we would far rather him be here and I'd be very sad if he left. As would his stepdad and sisters. But that it is ultimately his choice and I respect it and he'll always have a home here. It's all you can say to them I think. And make sure they have a key so they can come and go as they please. You'll probably find they come back

HUGS xxxxx

What a lovely post.

Op I completely get this

Little Red Hen

I'm so sorry you're feeling so desperate, @Witchyface

Invest your time and energy and money on yourself now OP

Put yourself first now

This is your time

Lol. Yes I do, because it’s relevant. The reception OP’s getting would be entirely different were the roles reversed. I see the issue is that it’s being pointed out though, and not that the double standards exist at all.

There were probably a few family chats. I imagine they talked amongst themselves then approached their father, he made them aware they were always welcome to live with him (as you would expect a parent to tell their child), and he advised them to speak to their mother. Obviously, not being party to the information, we don’t know, but this scenario is no more or less likely that yours.

anyway you are correct. We will not agree beyond the point that OP handled it correctly in not, as some posters suggested, breaking down in front of them.

I would be on your side if it wasn’t for the cold house and not having their own bedroom. As a pp said chores and eating the same meal is fine. But children deserve privacy and a warm place to sleep. I’m sure you want your children to have the best quality of life possible, and unfortunately in this situation that means living away from you.

Well, you’ll be upset to discover that lots of children have to share bedrooms and live in cold houses.

So sorry that you have such selfish DC. Sadly, teenagers can be pretty self-centred and ruthless. It's shit! Just hope that they might realise it at some point.

It is a bit shit. My 2 girls have decided to live with their father in another state. I just remind myself it is their choice so I have to respect it & support it.

It might be assumptions but given there is certain scripts that play out again and again

One woman I knew was the step mum in this situation who did have her own children, however with out so much as a blink she was chatting about her “eldest son”. She let slip his age (eldest son from her dh’s 1st marriage) and people quickly worked out that she would have had to have given birth at 14. Which she had a whole made up back story about the birth etc.

After a few months and a few posts from this boys mother about not trying to pass her child off as her own the boy returned to live with his mother because the step mum was getting decidedly weird

The second woman I knew was very much in op’s position. The father had remarried and was wealthy but because of several failed ivfs and the new wife wanting children, any children it was decided that the children would live with the father and his wife.
Almost overnight the mum went from having 2 young children doing the school run and working part time to only seeing her children for a few hours Eow and having to pay the wealthy exh child support.
Within 2 years the visits stopped and the last time I met her she hadn’t spoken to her children for 10 years.
She thinks that they were drip fed a diet of why their birth mother was horrible and why their new mother was so nice as even as adults they have chosen not to contact her.

The exh knew her position and she mistakenly told him a few times of her plans for a holiday or day out etc
Suddenly she would be asked to contribute towards a school trip or some big expense it took her a while before the penny dropped

Well, you’ll be upset to discover that lots of children have to share bedrooms and live in cold houses.

Big difference when it's out of necessity. These kids have a warm home available to them. Their dad may have been genuinely worried about them living in a cold house especially as bills will go up again next winter.

Ps the shared bedroom thing is a red herring, it's the cold house I'd be bothered about.

Would it help to not think of this as a personal rejection? It sounds like the children want a stable home, privacy and a warm bed and have made choices that will give them these things.

I think any sort of emotional manipulation could be a really bad decision in the longer term. You can still maintain communication and emotional closeness but you might not be able to after trying to make them feel guilty.

Not sure the relevance of a story concerning a completely different family.

it’s quite the assumption that if a script is being played out, that it’s this particular one.

Hope you are ok, OP. My heart breaks for you. I think you’re doing the right thing in supporting them in this. All you can do is keep the door open to them and you may find they end up spending more time with you than you think in the end

It does just feel desperately unfair on you. Did you get an ok financial split in the divorce and he has just amassed more money since (plus new wife’s money)? Do your kids know about the affair?

I do cynically wonder how appealing 3 teens nearly full time would be if they had twin ivf newborns for example.

imo it’s not about it being mother vs father getting different treatment. I’d feel the same if it was the same situation with sexed reversed.

I think you should take sone time to process it - reach out to close friends and family for support but don’t feel you need to tell all that they don’t live with you. It’ll always be their home. Just be kind to yourself.

I’m sure OP is not perfect. No one is.

But here is a man who lives with his wife in a nice house. A life he has built for himself while not having small children to look after.

And now that his DC are older, instead of doing his best to facilitate and maintain a relationship between them and their mum, who works hard and lives frugally, having given up many of her best years to more or less single-handedly look after them as babies, he persuades them to come and live with him, leaving her entirely alone.

That’s how it looks from the outside.