Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

470 replies

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:01

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

OP posts:
SueSaid · 19/06/2022 18:18

'but what happens when DD gets her first period? When older DD breaks up with her boyfriend, when DS needs a hug. I want my children with me'

They will live in the same town still they aren't emigrating. Yes it'll be tough but they're teens not toddlers they'll probably end up back at yours just as much when their dsm starts asking them to tidy up after themselves.

whumpthereitis · 19/06/2022 18:26

MontanaMountains · 19/06/2022 18:00

This must be so tough, and my heart goes out to you. Sadly we live in a materialistic society and money trumps everything. Your situation made me think of Jamie Bell, the actor who played Billy Elliot, and how he moved in with the film's director Stephen Daldry, leaving behind his single parent mum without so much as a backwards glance. I wonder if he reflects on that now he's a dad himself?

Here's a snippet of an interview from that time. I feel for his mother as I feel for you.....

'Stephen has become the dad Jamie was always looking for,' she says. 'It is obviously more than the usual relationship between a director and star.
Daldry explains: 'It's hard to describe the relationship with Jamie. Because of the age he was when we made the film you have some sort of parental role anyway, whether you pursue it or not. I've loved it, I get the film and I get the kid - it's great.
'He doesn't have a Dad, playing the role of Dad is hugely enjoyable.'
Having rubbed shoulders with the cream of Hollywood talent, Jamie is seen lounging around Daldry's swimming pool, cosily building a fire and confiding his worries about girls to the homosexual director.
Jamie smirks when asked if he would rather be at home. He laughs: 'I could be in a deckchair in a small back garden or I could be here having a swim, playing tennis, learning to shoot or drive.'

The last paragraph says it all.

Yes, I imagine a snippet from an interview tells the whole story. No actor could possible deflect a question with a throwaway comment because they don’t want to open up complex family dynamics to a journalist.

OP doesn’t own her children by virtue of giving birth to them. He’s their parent, same as she is. They’ve all formed their own relationships with their father, and if they want to live with him full time they’re not actually doing anything wrong. No one would suggest they were if they chose to live full time with their mother, and if their father cried about it in front of them about it (as some are suggesting OP does) he’d be called all types of manipulative twat.

The kids aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to live with their father. There’s no reason why they should look back in years to come and realise how ‘wrong they were’. Honestly, men are encouraged to stand up and be the equal parent, yet treated with suspicion and outright contempt when they do.

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2022 18:29

Isn't it weird how so many good fathers are happy for their kids to live in poverty with their Mum, and will only provide for them if they live together.
50/50 parenting is impossible when you only have 20% of the resources.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 18:30

this is such a tough one Op and I feel your pain, leave the door open for the to return easily to the 50/50 and let them know you put them first but at the same time let them know you'll be missing them.

Gigi42p · 19/06/2022 18:32

JiminyGlick · 19/06/2022 18:15

Gigi42p
I think you should have broken down infront of them OP.

wow.

‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They might not mean to but they do…’

Did you read my 2nd post?

Also how many usernames do you actually have?😂

ChristinaXYZ · 19/06/2022 18:32

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/06/2022 17:20

My heart is breaking for you OP but I really feel you're being far too passive. You're not telling your kids how you feel abd what you've been through Why should ex and his wife get what they want? I would negotiate for more time or that older child goes but younger ones stay with you. Start fighting!

This!

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 18:33

I’m sorry op and you did the right thing not breaking down in front of them, you can’t make them stay through guilt even when it hurts. I’m shocked someone is egging you on to try to guilt them into staying with you. That will never ever make for a happy home.

Redcar87 · 19/06/2022 18:34

I'm so incredibly sorry about what you're going through. It's unbelievably unfair. I don't blame the DC because they are children and they still love you so so much. You've been so strong to keep it together in front of them. You will always be their mum. And they'll miss you so so much. That bond you have with them from nappies and night wakes and childhood memories is all still there. You are irreplaceable. Keep yourself busy. Distractions. New hobbies. X

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 18:37

They’ve all formed their own relationships with their father, and if they want to live with him full time they’re not actually doing anything wrong. No one would suggest they were if they chose to live full time with their mother, and if their father cried about it in front of them about it (as some are suggesting OP does) he’d be called all types of manipulative twat

when there is a decent 50/50 arrangement in place - aren't they shunning one parent and is that ok to just shun one of your parents?

Why has one parent allowed the 50/50 to break down and not encouraged the other parent to continue with the arrangement and the dc - unless there was something terrible happening why wouldn't they parenting together be better and sharing that rather then the dc moving to one parent and only visiting the other

shouldn't divorced parents strive for shared care and shared inout for their dc

lighterdaysforme · 19/06/2022 18:40

This is such a tough situation. Keep the door open for your dc I'm sure they appreciate everything you have done/do for them.

AnnunciataCoquetti · 19/06/2022 18:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2022 17:40

@AnnunciataCoquetti

Nope! If you read my other posts you will see that I have really been supportive of Op.

If needs be she can downsize rather than prostrate herself financially to keep a bigger home

Fair enough - and yes you have been supportive in your other posts.

I think it's tricky with teenagers, because the OP needs to be able to offer them their home, and if she downsizes it will only make them less likely to want to be with her. As things stand, there's every chance that they'll change their minds and come back, and might well change their minds again and go back to their Dad's, and so on. Or one DC might stay with her for a bit, and the others stay with their dad. This is why a more fluid approach works with teenagers (in my experience). It gives them the feeling of choice (and the space to go somewhere else when they're pissed off with you), but within the limits of two safe and loving homes (ideally - and there's nothing in the OP's posts to suggest that her children's dad is a bad dad). But for that to happen, the OP needs to keep the house she's already got. It also forces the DC's hands terribly if she has to declare officially that they no longer live with her. What if they want to change their minds? I think she and her ex need to discuss this in more detail.

BadNomad · 19/06/2022 18:48

This is so sad, but it is understandable that children would choose a better quality of life if offered to them. It's no reflection on their love or feelings for you. I dont think many adults would choose a cold house over a warm bed either.

whumpthereitis · 19/06/2022 19:07

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 18:37

They’ve all formed their own relationships with their father, and if they want to live with him full time they’re not actually doing anything wrong. No one would suggest they were if they chose to live full time with their mother, and if their father cried about it in front of them about it (as some are suggesting OP does) he’d be called all types of manipulative twat

when there is a decent 50/50 arrangement in place - aren't they shunning one parent and is that ok to just shun one of your parents?

Why has one parent allowed the 50/50 to break down and not encouraged the other parent to continue with the arrangement and the dc - unless there was something terrible happening why wouldn't they parenting together be better and sharing that rather then the dc moving to one parent and only visiting the other

shouldn't divorced parents strive for shared care and shared inout for their dc

If you consider wanting to live in one house ‘shunning a parent’, then yes, it’s absolutely fine for the DC to ‘shun a parent’.

They’re individuals in their own right, who have formed their own personal relationships, who have their own needs and desires. They’re not the property of their parents, and nor are they inanimate objects to be shoved backwards and forwards. The parents are responsible for them, but they have no duty to be ‘fair’. However hurtful that may be.

Kennykenkencat · 19/06/2022 19:12

For me I read the thread but couldn’t comment at the time but was going to ask if the stepmom had children of her own.
Whilst the dad might be the mouthpiece Are we certain this isn’t the step mum wanting a ready made family given the problems with ivf

I would suggest they have a big house and she wants to fill it with children and not being able to have her own then she will take someone else’s and HawaiiCount’s are the nearest to hand.
It is easy to dazzle children with a cushy life, a big house and en-suite bathrooms.
The dad is just giving his new wife what ever she wants

You don’t do this to someone who hasn’t as much as you. It is mean and cruel to take their children as well but neither the father or the step mum care.

I suggest HawaiiCount that you see a solicitor because this could have unforeseen issues if you let this go ahead.

I think reinstating the 50/50 is far fairer. (But I would suggest that wouldn’t work for the step mum who thinks she is going to present herself as the children’s mother) and the children will blame their own mother for taking them away from their en suite bedrooms and cushy life with their new family.

I have seen this type of thing happen a couple of times with different outcomes

Be very careful HawaiiCount that you don’t get replaced.

whumpthereitis · 19/06/2022 19:14

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2022 18:29

Isn't it weird how so many good fathers are happy for their kids to live in poverty with their Mum, and will only provide for them if they live together.
50/50 parenting is impossible when you only have 20% of the resources.

And this one has opened up his home to his children so they don’t have to live in relative poverty at their mother’s.

Does the same apply to mother’s when the father moves into a one bedroom flat? Should they be required to fund their ex husbands?

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 19:17

but they have no duty to be ‘fair’. However hurtful that may be.

I guess we all differ in how we would like are dc to treat others

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2022 19:17

Are the children living with the father in that scenario?

toastofthetown · 19/06/2022 19:20

I don’t think it’s fair to label the children as materialistic for wanting their own room (assuming that’s the only reason they want to live with their father, which isn’t clear). I shared a room until I was 12 and when I got my own room I was more than ready for it. I love and have always been close to my sister but in the years leading up to me having my own room I was spending time locked in the bathroom, in the airing cupboard, in my parents’ room to get some precious time on my own. I’ve always been intensely introverted and finally having my own room was such a relief. I would have found it hard to go back and I don’t blame the OP’s children for wanting that. While having their own en-suites, no chores etc. is a luxury, having your own room as a teen doesn’t feel like a luxury.

whumpthereitis · 19/06/2022 19:25

Kennykenkencat · 19/06/2022 19:12

For me I read the thread but couldn’t comment at the time but was going to ask if the stepmom had children of her own.
Whilst the dad might be the mouthpiece Are we certain this isn’t the step mum wanting a ready made family given the problems with ivf

I would suggest they have a big house and she wants to fill it with children and not being able to have her own then she will take someone else’s and HawaiiCount’s are the nearest to hand.
It is easy to dazzle children with a cushy life, a big house and en-suite bathrooms.
The dad is just giving his new wife what ever she wants

You don’t do this to someone who hasn’t as much as you. It is mean and cruel to take their children as well but neither the father or the step mum care.

I suggest HawaiiCount that you see a solicitor because this could have unforeseen issues if you let this go ahead.

I think reinstating the 50/50 is far fairer. (But I would suggest that wouldn’t work for the step mum who thinks she is going to present herself as the children’s mother) and the children will blame their own mother for taking them away from their en suite bedrooms and cushy life with their new family.

I have seen this type of thing happen a couple of times with different outcomes

Be very careful HawaiiCount that you don’t get replaced.

Hell of a lot of assumptions about people you don’t know. He’s been doing 50/50 and it’s apparent the kids have a good relationship with him. It could just be, shockingly, that he’s a good father to them and he enjoys having his children live with him.

He’s not taking her children. He’s housing his own children that want to live with him. Something he’s already been doing for the eldest. It may be materially motivated but that’s not guaranteed. There was a thread a month or two ago about kid wanting to live with his father. The mother couldn’t understand it because she was financially better off. Money isn’t always the motivating factor, even though in this instance the father has more of it.

whumpthereitis · 19/06/2022 19:27

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 19:17

but they have no duty to be ‘fair’. However hurtful that may be.

I guess we all differ in how we would like are dc to treat others

Yes, we do. I don’t think children should be held in bondage to the wishes of parents who chose to have them (and are thus responsible for parenting).

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 19:33

but they have no duty to be ‘fair’. However hurtful that may be.

I guess we all differ in how we would like are dc to treat others
Yes, we do. I don’t think children should be held in bondage to the wishes of parents who chose to have them (and are thus responsible for parenting).

And I think children should be taught to be fair and to also think of the feelings of others as well as themselves, especially for those close to them.

Witchyface · 19/06/2022 19:34

BlueShoesKate · 19/06/2022 15:10

Same thing happened to me. At the time, financially I was really struggling. In the divorce, I'd just given him everything to speed things up, so he kept the house and everything in it.

I rented and then got back on the property ladder. We'd done 50/50 with the kids all the way through.

When they became teens, the 50/50 did become too busy for them, I completely understood. Plus he still had their "home". In the end they decided to live with their dad and I saw them during the week most weeks. They were early/mid teens.

I cried privately, a lot. But I understood and no way did I want to give them feelings of guilt. Not many adults would be happy living in 2 homes.

They are grown now and my relationship with them is wonderful. But the biggest and worst part of it was the shame I felt. I told nobody, I still don't tell anyone. It was probably obvious to everyone who knew us, but I just couldn't say it. I still feel that shame. As a mum, not having my kids with me hurt like hell but we're all fine.

I am in this position . About give him my share of the house and life savings. Leaving me literally penniless and about to lose my job and home due to bad health. Kids understand my want to live in the big house with nice stuff and his girlfriend, who does sound lovely.
I have to put up and shut up. Their choice. I’m not going to have anywhere to live in any case. Being increasingly physically disabled, I imagine I will end up on the street. Hoping for a quick end to be honest. Not anyones fault just bad luck and bad timing. I’m hanging on at work as long as I can but noises have been made - again not employers fault.I’ve written letters to the kids to wish them well.

uneffingbelievable · 19/06/2022 19:34

Lets be honest - when they were little they went to Dad EOW. So Mum did the lionshare, childcare, nursery, football, dance, sickness and Dad continued to build his career successfully because he had eff all responsbilities.i
Mums career stalled but she kept working because she had to.

6 yrs ago - now hugely successful and remarried he agrees to 50/50 - how fecking magnaminous - NOT. Career established and he is fine.

Mum now has DCS less, works harder but not going to make those same career gains. Looks after her DCs and co parents.

Her DCS - eldest am assuming 17/18 has job closer to Dad and this make sit easier for her life.
Mid teen boy - sees material gains undoubtedly assisted by his DF
Early teen girl - loves the material things and no sharing room with her sister, undoubtedly getting loads of attention.

Dad should have discussed with the OP first. This has obviously been talked about in his house and plans formulated. This was not a discussion but delivered as a fait accomplit to the other parent.
He has taught his children that he does not respect their mother, that monies buys them and is worth more than their mothers love and care ( and we can all understand how a teens head is turned by material gain), that nothing she provides will be as good as what he can provide. He is not doing the hard 1:1 child caring because they do not need that anymore - he gets the time easier bit.

They have the right to make their own decisions but a responsible parent involves both parents in the discussion and teaches their children that both parents are equally important and have feelings.

OP - my heart bleeds for you. LEave the door open and let them know you love them but their decisions are hurting you. At least your DD seems to realise you are hurt.

The speed of this shows it has been in planning for sometime.
The betrayal on all counts is overwhelming.

whumpthereitis · 19/06/2022 19:36

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2022 19:33

but they have no duty to be ‘fair’. However hurtful that may be.

I guess we all differ in how we would like are dc to treat others
Yes, we do. I don’t think children should be held in bondage to the wishes of parents who chose to have them (and are thus responsible for parenting).

And I think children should be taught to be fair and to also think of the feelings of others as well as themselves, especially for those close to them.

Ah yes, ‘you owe me!’. Classic excellent parenting, that one.

They can love and appreciate their mother without needing to live with her. If the situation were reversed there would be no suggestion of the kids being unreasonable or selfish for wanting to live full time with their mother.

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 19/06/2022 19:45

The betrayal on all counts is overwhelming.

So it's treacherous to want a stable home and not be keen to live out of a suitcase?