Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

Lots of children live with their mothers most of the time and only see their fathers every other weekend. Do you really think all those mothers are cruel for not insisting on 50:50?

Did you read my 2nd post?

Would you have encouraged them if this situation was reversed? It sounds like you have respected their relationship with their dad. The dad and his new wife need to show you the same respect.They have been having conversations that should not have been had with young, impressionable teens and it quite frankly looks quite manipulative. How was the issue raised? Did they encourage these ideas? If they did, it is concerning as they should understand the importance of the relationship between you and your children.The cynical part of me also thinks 50:50 works very well for their wealthy dad: no maintenance to pay.
I have not been in this situation so don’t know the legalities. Others will know more. I really do feel for you in this situation though and think that you are being treated very badly. I also would say no.They might not understand now but they will later. Saying yes will also have implications for your future relationships.The father and wife really do not have the best interests of the children in mind.

Joyless? No, it’s fantastic parenting to teach children to contribute in a meaningful way and to take responsibility.

No doubt it is because of OP’s brilliant parenting that the children are so palatable to their stepmother.

After the OPs update on the house being cold in winter I don't think it's a simple matter of them just wanting a cushy life. It makes lots of sense that they'd want to move to somewhere comfortable where they have a choice of food. They shouldn't be made to feel bad about that.

My heart is breaking for you OP but I really feel you're being far too passive. You're not telling your kids how you feel abd what you've been through Why should ex and his wife get what they want? I would negotiate for more time or that older child goes but younger ones stay with you. Start fighting!

Let's face it, 50% of 200k per year ain't the same as 50% of 28k per year.

As a parent you have to make decisions that are in the best long term interests of your children not what they want right now. It is not in their best interest to be without their mother. Just say no. They will understand when they are older.

I wondered if this was the case.

To put it bluntly she can’t have children of her own so has decided to take yours.

Watch out for FB posts about “Their children” “my son” “my daughter”

What would happen if she suddenly did get pregnant. Would your children be dumped from a great height

@swifty1974 also unless something weird is going off with MN why are you double quoting yourself? Your first response was rational and a reasonable POV. We don't all have to agree. It was respectful, a valid concern, food for thought. I see it as being authentic to not hide your feelings, you see it as emotional blackmail to put that on a teenager. Ok. Nothing outlandish in that.

Your second with the sudden anger at the same post - is bizarre.

@LuckySantangelo35 I think it just came across (to me, at any rate) as a really cruel way to kick the OP while she's down. What you said may well be realistic, and others have suggested similar - so it's evidently something that she will have to bear in mind (and her ex husband may also have to have this pointed out to him - I wouldn't have a clue about benefits or how they work, so he may not either).

It just seemed so heartless to say to a woman who is desperately upset about what feels like losing her children "well, you're going to lose your home as well, and it will be even more unappealing to the kids as they'll have to sleep on camp beds in the sitting room". In the OP's situation, I'd have felt pretty desperate if I'd read that, presented in that way.

Oh OP
I really feel for you.
I think having chores at home and eating the same meal as everyone else is fine and normal. Although firewood and hot water bottles are probably not the norm. So that side of things is appealing to them, an easy and luxurious life, what teen wouldn’t want that?! Or adult for that matter!

However I will agree with the previous posters. Your ex should not have had these conversations without your knowledge. You don’t know how they started or if DC were influenced. Speak up, for yourself and your DC.

Also, what’s with the no maintenance because you have them 50:50? Is that allowed?

Also, you sound like an amazing and loving mum. They aren’t wanting to leave home because of you.

The older one has already gone. She went six months ago of her own choice. Why should the others be deprived of the same choice just because the stepmother is accepting of the situation? Who would the op be fighting? Her ex? Or her children? Old her children, who are already happily packing, be happy with her from preventing their move? Or would it just delay the inevitable and damage their relationship?

@AnnunciataCoquetti

Nope! If you read my other posts you will see that I have really been supportive of Op.

If needs be she can downsize rather than prostrate herself financially to keep a bigger home

you think it is helpful to this mother to tell her it is probably all her own fault for creating a "joyless" life for her children. wow.

OP, I feel for you. This is horrible. I agree that you need to tell them that you will miss them and love them and would prefer they stayed but completely understand them going and you'd love to see them any time at all. I do worry that your financial situation will dive after this. I suppose this was of no concern to your ex.

I judge your ex harshly for creating a post-divorce environment which is so disparate. No, he doesn't have to pay for ensuite bathrooms in your house but a decent father would want his children to have a similar basic quality of life in both homes - and not be cold in one and living in the lap of luxury in the other. I judge the stepmother harshly for allowing this too and for being so happy - as she couldn't have her own children - to have her family life on the back of OP's initial sacrifice and grunt work. I wonder if she did have her own children would this have even arisen. I don't think these are nice people.

I was just asking, just in case the atmosphere at their mum’s was a little weary and burdensome. I’m not saying it was, only the OP and the DC can answer that. I have no doubt that OP loves the DC very dearly. I also think she’s being treated badly. The dad is not alone - he has his new wife - OP will be left very alone.

Why does she need to fight? What would fighting achieve exactly, in the long term?

her children are at an age where they could just choose not to come back from their dad’s house if OP chooses to be obstructive, which is really going to do wonders for the relationship between them all.

Of the course the ex may have manipulated events (presumably those that think OP should break down in front of them would be fine with the father choosing to do the same?), but equally he may have not, and this is a decision made by the kids. Why shouldn’t they want to live with their father? Sounds like they have a good relationship and he’s clearly capable and willing to have them. As painful as it may be for OP, he’s no more or less their parent than she is.

and yes she would be liable to pay maintenance if he chooses to pursue it. Something OP would be encouraged to do if the situation was reversed.

Surely it's a hard no for the younger ones op ? Just like parents have to agree and one can't just take the kids when they are small.

Your ex husband is being manipulative and I'd your daughter is young enough to not even have her period how is it reasonable for this to happen without your say so ?

I think you need legal advice.

Loads of hugs to you.

It feels so massively unfair on every level and I feel it for you. I think you know you have to go with the flow on this one as hard as that is going to be for you. Challenging and opposing it without a good reason could only make the relationship worse.

Apologies if you've already said this but I'd wait until I was as calm as I could be and I'd ask the kids as non emotionally as I could manage what led to that decision and why they felt that way. Explaining that you accept whatever they wish for themselves now that they are getting older. x

This must be so tough, and my heart goes out to you. Sadly we live in a materialistic society and money trumps everything. Your situation made me think of Jamie Bell, the actor who played Billy Elliot, and how he moved in with the film's director Stephen Daldry, leaving behind his single parent mum without so much as a backwards glance. I wonder if he reflects on that now he's a dad himself?

Here's a snippet of an interview from that time. I feel for his mother as I feel for you.....

'Stephen has become the dad Jamie was always looking for,' she says. 'It is obviously more than the usual relationship between a director and star.
Daldry explains: 'It's hard to describe the relationship with Jamie. Because of the age he was when we made the film you have some sort of parental role anyway, whether you pursue it or not. I've loved it, I get the film and I get the kid - it's great.
'He doesn't have a Dad, playing the role of Dad is hugely enjoyable.'
Having rubbed shoulders with the cream of Hollywood talent, Jamie is seen lounging around Daldry's swimming pool, cosily building a fire and confiding his worries about girls to the homosexual director.
Jamie smirks when asked if he would rather be at home. He laughs: 'I could be in a deckchair in a small back garden or I could be here having a swim, playing tennis, learning to shoot or drive.'

The last paragraph says it all.

God forbid a child dares to want to live with their father. OP of course you are upset but I really wouldn’t play on emotion to get them to stay. My DM did that and we stayed but she was particularly manipulative throughout. For all those calling this dad out as a Disney dad…bull. He’s parented 50/50. Kids shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about wanting to live with their dad. Giving birth doesn’t mean you own a child. Of course they must understand that OP is upset and will miss them, but that she wants the best for them not her. This is ultimately about her kids and I can kind of see why they might find being in a more spacious home appealing. It doesn’t mean they are selfish or terrible. I believe the ex pre-warning is good but also letting the kids speak to OP alone good. No one there staring out making anyone feel anymore uncomfortable than it needs to be. OP give them a huge hug and tell them how much you love them and will miss them and your home will always be theirs x

For all those calling this dad out as a Disney dad…bull. He’s parented 50/50.

you missed the bit about him never having changed a nappy or having only had 50/50 since he remarried.

Feels like people are being a bit unfair on the dad here. We don't know the full picture - he may have felt concerned for years as his kids are upset on leaving his house, saying they are cold at mums, that there's never quite enough food, that they struggle with homework because there's just no space. Imagine how you'd feel if your kids came back from their other parents in mid-winter saying it was freezing and they had to chop wood, maybe upset they couldn't have a friend over because there wasn't room and the cost of feeding a visitor wasn't manageable? All the while thinking you'd be thrilled to have them live full time with you, in comfort? This isn't a Disney dad he has them 50:50 and has done year, why is mum always assumed to have the stronger relationship?

Gigi42p
I think you should have broken down infront of them OP.

wow.

‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They might not mean to but they do…’

No he hasn’t parented 50:50, you need to read the OP’s posts.

As for “letting her speak to the children” being admirable, do you have any idea how ridiculous and condescending and sexist this sounds?