Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

I just wanted to chime in as I did exactly this at 15. I threatened it for years and then after a particularly bad argument when I was away at a dance competition I turned my phone off and then got my dad to pick me up when I came back. I asked him if I could move in. I refused to contact my mum so she was probably worried as she knew I should of say been back from competition as we only lived a 2 min walk from the drop off point (I’m not going to lie, I was a spiteful teenager and how I treated my mum makes me cringe) so my step mum rang her and asked her to come round. It was agreed the move would be for the best and I moved in a few days later.

I found it surprisingly hard. I found it watching my sister sobbing out the window as I drove off (we didn’t have the same dad, her dad lived with my mum). I found it hard watching my mum hold back tears as I packed my stuff. My mum didn’t move a thing in my bedroom for a good few years, the Callander stayed on the same month until she eventually redecorated. I found it a culture shock going to my dads and struggled at times. My relationship with my mum in the short to medium term was tricky. But we’re very close now it didn’t permanently damage it.

just leave the door open for them is my best advice. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

God that's actually made me really angry....it's just downright manipulative....why would you do that to your own children???? Break down in front of them to make them feel guilty....Jesus Christ some people....is it just me or does that sound all kinds of wrong

This isn't about making the mother happy - it's about what's good for the kids, especially in the longer run. Having so little contact with their mother is not in their best interests, even if they can't see it now. The whole point of being a parent is being able to take a longer - and often unpopular - perspective. If the OP's kids stick to their plans, they will have to carry the emotional burden of how much this hurt their mother for the rest of their lives. Even if OP does manage to hide how she feels, the minute they have kids of their own they will realise how devastating it much have been for her.

As the child of one of the first generation of parents to get divorced, I do understand how difficult this is for everyone, children and parents.

If the children had gone to the op and said they weren't keen on living at their dad's and could they go there less than 50:50, should the op have forced them to go to their father's regardless? Whenever I've seen that scenario arise on MN, the responses seem to be overwhelmingly, don't make them go because the father is obviously shitty.

Going against the majority but I would say no. If it is an own rooms problem do you have a way of moving to a cheaper home or converting living room into bedroom?
It seems you have been too passive to this man and his wife and they have ridden roughshod over you and your feelings and finances

I think I'm with the don't hide your feelings too much. Teenagers need to know that their decisions impact others.
I can't imagine your frustration and bloody rage at the unfairness of this.
Sending you love

Is there any particular reason you felt the need to make this unpleasant and thoroughly unhelpful comment, or did you do it just because you're on an anonymous online forum and you could?

Like you say kids need their mother. The arrangement should be 50/50. Point out to your ex that all the luxury is not good for them and they need you and you are entitled to have the 50/50 and that you're not happy for him to have encouraged them (bribed) them to think otherwise is acceptable.

They kids may want to go anyway but at least they'll know you fought for them. I would tell the oldest that they are being lured by luxury and that you brought them up to have better values than that. They are making an ethical mistake and you'd discuss that with them if it were other circumstances surely? Just because you're are at the centre does not make it any less right that you should point out what is wrong here. Just do it calmly. Tell them what you think and that you expect them back when they usually would be and then leave them to it for a while.

Tell your ex it is not up for discussion. He can't just lure your kids away!

All those saying that the OP should break down in front of her children so they know how upset she is

You are not a single parent, are you?

Perhaps it would be better the children experience their parents talking to each other about their request, rather than the decision being made between one parent and the children initially, as this undermines the power of the other.

A 13 year old pre-pubescent little girl is not the same as any 16 or 17 year old. I don't understand how people can lump them together and say "they're teenagers, they can vote with their feet."

At least one is still very much a child and if she were my child and I was as loving a mother as OP sounds, there's no way in hell I'd just stand aside while she walked out the door. No way that is in her best interest. No.

Dorsetdelight211. No he shouldn't have cut the conversation dead at all. If as a parent, he felt he could offer the children better life circumstances and better quality of life, then why shouldn't he offer it? It would be silly and possibly even selfish/uncaring not to. He is offering to look after his kids to the best of his abilities. Definitely the hallmarks of a decent parent rather than someone who would say that the kids lives potentially have to suffer to enforce an agreement to keep an ex partner happy. I applaud him! (Again I'll say that this doesn't detract from how hard it must be for the mum....and equally that we can't fully know the right answer for the situation without knowing both sides and full details)

Everyone saying that the OP should keep the door open
well she may not be able to
she will lose at a min child benefit x 3 which is at least £40 -£50 a week I think

any extra UC she gets for 3 kids which could be around £100 plus a week

if she is renting UC won’t cover the cost for a 3 bed house if it’s only the OP living in the house - one bed only

in the worse case scenario the OP may have to drastically downsize to a 1 bed or even a house share or a studio depending on her earnings

And we all know what it is like to try and rent anything at the moment

There is a world of difference between breaking down in tears in order to make your children feel guilty and being honest that you love them and will miss them and they will always be welcome to call you and visit whenever they want. They need to hear that you love them and will miss them. They need to know that they will always have a home with you.
This is not manipulation, it is reassuring them that they are loved and that they have the freedom to make choices.

I am well versed in the difference because my MIL always did the former and I have always done the latter.

Yes I am sure the novelty will wear off when the new wife has 3 almost adult kids around full time and they do not pitch in with chores. I am sure they will be back. Just give it time xx

@ChickenBurgers

That must have been so hard for your mum

Excellent post. I feel awful for the OP, but I can't believe how harsh some posters are being on her kids. 50/50 is stressful for most kids - why should they be guilt-tripped over this? They didn't choose for their parents to get divorced.

Yep!

@AnnunciataCoquetti

there is nothing unpleasant about it, it is however realistic.

Op may not be able to afford to maintain the house now if she doesn’t have the children living with her.

what else is she supposed to do? Besides downsize? Her children will have to understand the financial implications of their choices on their mother and cannot expect everything to stay the same.

im really not sure what you find so unpleasant about that

Sorry, tricky. I chose to live with my dad at 17, despite my mum being totally loving and the main parent. Please don't take this too personally. From what you've explained his set up, the wealth, the ensuite, the lack of chores , everything about it sounds very attractive, cushty when you are a teen. sorry to sound harsh but that really is the truth, even I'd have moved to his!

Fantastic advice! Wow!

Don’t emotionally manipulate them, sure.

But calmly make sure that they know how you feel. Don’t let anyone else tell you what to say to your own children. Don’t ever let any third party manage the communication between you.

I'm definitely in the "let them know how this affects you" camp. Not weeping and wailing and moaning, but just saying, that's so sad, I will really miss you very much because I love you and enjoy being with you/ I'll always be here for you sort of thing, is absolutely fine. You don't have to be superhuman to raise balanced kids and bat down every ounce of emotion. In fact I think that probably does them active harm.

Also though, making dinner and doing chores is all very well but every day, on and on, can be a little joyless. Did you ( without meaning to) make them feel that they were a burden because you had to work so hard? They have voted with their feet. Something to think about on the days they’re with you.

This. The practicalities need to be considered. And everyone needs to consider them. The kids need to realise they could lose their home with their mum altogether.

And no, pp, their Dad is not a decent man doing his best for them. A decent man would realise this is a conversation to be had with their mother and to talk through all the emotional and practical considerations for everyone. She is their mother, not someone to just be cut out to once a fortnight without discussion. He’s behaved like a man making a power grab, not a man who realises this is a complex decision to be made as a family with all affected.