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Original poster

Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

470 replies

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:01

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2022 15:33

ArtVandalay · 19/06/2022 15:13

you are as every bit entitled to feelings and emotions as they are and it’s about time they realised that

I don't agree.

They are entitled to feel loved and welcome in both houses. They are not expected to feel guilt for living in one house and visiting the other. The divorced status of their parents is not their fault and the parents should be prioritising the happiness of their kids above anything else and NOT exposing them to emotional manipulation.

@ArtVandalay

Of course Op is every bit as much as entitled to feelings and emotions as they are

you don’t cease to have feelings once you become a mother

they are not more important than she is

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/06/2022 15:37

@HawaiiCount I think that you and I might think differently over this situation but I want to tell you that the love and caring you have shown to your children, including putting their interests before your own, shines out from everything you write. Regardless of how they split their time, and the likelihood at their age is that they will be much more fluid in their residence than you think, if I can feel your love, they will know it to their bones. We all need our mums (and dads). I'm 62 and my mum has dementia and I still need her. You will always be there for them and they know that which is why they have the courage to make big decisions. It's a testament to how well you've brought them up and they will constantly be at yours for all those things we need our mums for because nothing can take the place of a mum hug.

deedledeedledum · 19/06/2022 15:38

Will your ex expect child support payment from you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Belephant · 19/06/2022 15:43

I really don't have anything useful to add but I just wanted to say that reading this broke my heart - OP, you sound like such a wonderful and caring mum and a good person.

Sending lots of love Flowers

purpleme12 · 19/06/2022 15:45

Oh god I'm so sorry OP.
I'm not sure I can add much more but I'm so sorry this has happened 😓

PussInBin20 · 19/06/2022 15:52

I think your feelings are totally understandable and most of us would feel exactly the same. It must be truly devastating especially as you sound like you did all the hard years with them.

But what can you do? If you tell them your feelings, they may stay out of guilt but then resent you later, who knows?

I think you have to support their decision (albeit hard) but nothing wrong in saying you will miss them/they are welcome anytime etc.

I do feel for you though.

Léighméleabhair · 19/06/2022 15:52

caringcarer · 19/06/2022 09:55

Your DC living at their Dads might seem like grass is greener but might not be best for them. This is what happened to me. After my ex had affair I divorced him. 1 dd just starting uni, eldest son 16 and youngest son 8. For a year my eldest son lived at home with me and went to see his Dad one weeknight and every other weekend and 3 weeks in summer holidays and 3 nights over half term breaks all with his you get brother too. At home there were gaming limits of 2 hours per day which I thought was very generous as he had homework too. At his Dad's unlimited gaming, virtually all the time he was there it later transpired. My eldest son at 17 insisted he wanted to live with his Dad. He was at the time doing well in Sixth Form and had lots of friends he met up with evenings. I could not stop him but I was heart broken. Within half a term he dropped out of Sixth Form, lost contact with most of his Friends except for chat online. His Dad lived in a very rural location with no bus service. Before he knew it he was isolated there. Had no means of getting back into town and became clinically depressed. He was supposed to come to me every other weekend but stopped. That hurt so much. Eventually I waited until I knew my ex was working away and paid eldest son a visit. By this time he was living this nocturnal life where he slept all day aided by antidepressants and gamed all night. I got him out of bed and told him he couldn't go on like it. It was not too late to go back to start again at college or find a job if that was what he is wanted but he could not just give up on life. He told me he only moved to his Dad's because his Dad was drinking so much he was afraid he would choke on his own vomit. He said his Dad had promised to take him to Sixth Form but often he could not go as his Dad still drink from night before so could not drive him. Because this happened so often he fell behind at school then dropped out. He said he could not see his friends and had nothing to live for. I got him in my car and took him home. We both cried. We went shopping for some nice clothes for him, had his hair cut and I helped him register with job agency. He got a job as a driver's mate helping to deliver furniture to customers. I encouraged him to sort a pension. He met up with a few friends again and made new friends too. After 6 months his employer paid for him to have driving lessons. He passed test then started driving van at work. After 3 more years his employer paid for him to sit class 2 lorry driving test. He passed that and started driving lorry. Now he has his class 1 lorry driving. He saved up and bought his own house. He only visits his Dad once a year at Xmas. His choice. He says every time he sees his Dad he remembers how low he was and does not want to be reminded. I hope your son realises you are the one making sacrifices everyday for him and want him grounded. Even if your son does choose to move to his Dad's he will miss you and simple family meals. My son admitted he even missed making me a cup of tea.

I’m so glad your son is doing well and that you brought him home when you did.

Unfortunately, alcoholics never care about the damage they do to their own families until it’s far too late.

ilovesushi · 19/06/2022 15:55

That is so heartbreaking. It doesn't sound fair that you are struggling financially while your husband is living a comfortable/ lavish lifestyle. Why is he not helping you out? Is he fine with the kids going to bed cold at your house in the winter? He doesn't cease to be a parent just because they are round at yours. It sounds really unfair that you have to go halves on things when your incomes are so different. I think kids can go through a very selfish phase in their teenage years (mine are!), and it sounds like they have been completely seduced by their dad's lifestyle. I get it must be a pain for them living in two homes, but you are their mum and you should be with them. I really hope you can maintain your relationship with them.

stayathomegardener · 19/06/2022 15:56

How was your divorce so unfair?

turbonerd · 19/06/2022 15:57

We have been on the other side of this.
And no, the father could not be the one to tell the mother because of the age of the children. Teens have agency and can decide where they want to live.

Let them know you love them and will miss them and that your house is also their home.
Also, communicate with your ex if there are any economical issues. Have it as a trial period of 6 months initially. After that you need to be clear about the money.

fwiw, my husband has dealt very well with DSD periods, horrific period pain, getting the pill to try and alleviate it and all sorts of things. I have helped from the sidelines.

LakieLady · 19/06/2022 16:00

Babyroobs · 19/06/2022 14:19

Tell them it's not happening. Of course they think the grass is greener there with more bedrooms and foreign holidays. They actually are old enough to understand how hurt this would make you. You still have to maintain a house big enough for them to stay with you yet will lose your benefits for having them not living with you any more.

The financial impact of them moving could be significant, I'm afraid.

It would be as well to check this out, OP, on entitledto or turn2us.

notgreatthanks · 19/06/2022 16:08

Just heart breaking for you. I can't imagine, my eldest mentioned this during her teen angst years but tbh although her dad offered he wouldn't have done it. I think she knew because she never followed through.

You will have a bit of spare money if they are not with you as much (unless he's asking for maintenance!!) so I'd invest in the weekends with kids and do some nice things together.

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 19/06/2022 16:10

Hi OP. Just wanted to post from the PoV of someone who has been in your DC's shoes. Please PLEASE don't listen to the posters telling you to tell your DCs how much they are hurting you and "make them see the consequences of their actions". My DM took this tactic with me and it really negatively impacted our relationship. From my PoV, I actively hated the 50/50 shared custody thing my parents had agreed on - it felt like I didn't belong anywhere, always felt a bit rootless and anxious, was living out of a bag and always seemed to be missing something as a result. I actually still feel a bit anxious when packing today, just because packing a bag has such strong negative associations from my childhood - it makes me feel lost and out of control.

When I was 15 I was just desperate to have a proper home base. Nothing more. And my two options were to pick a home base with a room of my own, or a home base where I was stuck sharing with my annoying younger sister and couldn't even choose my own bedtime because it had to be her bedtime and so couldn't read late, and would have to put up with her taking my stuff or reading my diary and things. It wasn't that I didn't love my mum. I just wanted an actual home. I feel like a lot of posters here do see children as property, not as people with their own needs.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2022 16:15

I'm so sorry OP, your ex is really cruel, he should have said no to the kids a s told them it has to stay 50/50

oakleaffy · 19/06/2022 16:19

Léighméleabhair · 19/06/2022 15:52

I’m so glad your son is doing well and that you brought him home when you did.

Unfortunately, alcoholics never care about the damage they do to their own families until it’s far too late.

Show quote history

@caringcarer
What an amazing turnaround for your son!
Well done both of you.
How awful that your son felt so worried about his dad though - that is unfair on his dad’s part .

noradelphine · 19/06/2022 16:20

I really feel for you OP.

He was an every other weekend dad for six years, who then switched to 50/50 once he had a partner (so two incomes and help with the kids). Now they're are teenagers and although teenagers still need support, they're much more independent... they want to live there and he's happy to accommodate.

I can completely understand why that's hurtful.

thefamilyupstairs · 19/06/2022 16:24

I'm so sorry this has happened OP, it must be absolutely devastating for you. Please take on board @sunshineandstrawberryjam post. Do not attempt to make them stay by emotionally blackmailing/manipulating them.
I'm another one wondering if you have a partner that they aren't keen on? It just seems odd that they only want to see you EOW and maybe there's other things going on?

DitzyBluebells · 19/06/2022 16:26

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 14:45

Imagine a parent of adult children, who openly prefers to spend more time with one of their kids, because they're wealthier and provide nicer food and a more luxurious spare room to stay in on visits.

what a bizarre and irrelevant analogy

these are young and mid teens.
they share a room
privacy as a teen is a priority for them (or have you forgotten this)
at their fathers they have their own space and bathroom

they are currently with him 50/50
their step mother loves having them there
there is no hint that he is a bad father or vindictive or negligent.

His teens have made a decision that 50/50 doesn’t work any more. It wouldn’t work for many adults to have their lives carved in half like this. And yes, their motivation may not be as pure as the driven snow. They may imagine their friends over in their private rooms…. But too right! I don’t begrudge them that and I am baffled you judge a 13 and 15 year old on the basis of how an adult would operate (presumably an adult not sharing his or her bedroom with his sibling!)

I don't think people should underestimate the impact of poverty either. It totally sucks to have to eat what is affordable instead of what you want. It's awful feeling permanently too cold for most of the year, you can't relax properly when you're feeling chilly. Yes the privacy of their own room and bathroom will be a big deal but the chores will have a big impact too and not just from laziness. It's sharing a bathroom that someone else just used and probably didn't clean properly, if at all, versus having their own bathroom and not even having to clean that because there's a cleaner. Plus most people I think would consider chopping wood to be a physical labour that goes beyond "housework". Must be doubly annoying when, having chopped it, you still need to take a hot water bottle to bed. I don't think the DC are in the wrong for wanting to stay at their dad's most of the time and they've not necessarily been manipulated into it. Calling them mercenary as a lot of posters have seems a bit harsh. I just don't think any of them have really considered the full impact their moving out will have on the OP's situation, never mind the emotional impact of it, and that EOW with her or moving back because they've changed their mind might not realistically be an option.

CallOnMe · 19/06/2022 16:29

I completely agree with sunshineandstrawberryjam

They’ve been in this situation so you should listen to their advice over everyone who hasn’t been in it.

They should not be made to feel guilty for choosing one home over the other.
It does not mean they don’t love you or their dad has forced them into saying it.

CrystalBollocks · 19/06/2022 16:33

@HawaiiCount, you have my sympathy. My DC all had phases of declaring that they were going to live with their father, and actually doing it (and I cried, in private). In all cases, they returned home pretty quickly.

As PP say, 50:50 is sort of the worst of all worlds for children/teenagers who mostly want one base. That's normally the base which has more space/faster wifi/fewer requirements regarding domestic chores/more handouts, etc, etc. It is not personal, though you can't help but feel that it is.

At the ages that your children are (I'm assuming between 13 and 17), mine didn't have a fixed contact pattern. I was the base (even though I have a much smaller house and less money, and even though they flounced off to their father's house "for ever"), and they could see him whenever they liked. He lives about 4 miles from me. This type of contact worked better for them than a set-in-stone pattern, and it did mean that they eventually just gravitated to me. I do remember one of them breaking my heart, though, by saying they would see me EOW. I said I would be very sorry if that were the case, but I would look forward to that EOW and would still be here if they changed their mind. They did.

My2pennorth · 19/06/2022 16:34

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2022 16:15

I'm so sorry OP, your ex is really cruel, he should have said no to the kids a s told them it has to stay 50/50

Totally disagree. The ex hasn't been cruel. He's offering the children everything he can to give them a good quality of life. A 50:50 split may make the mum happier but that isn't and nor should it really be his concern.
He isn't forcing the kids to spend time with him, he's offered them the opportunity if they want it. It could also possibly be said that forcing 50:50 time could be seen as detrimental and unsettling for the kids. Without knowing intricate details of either parent or the situation, none of us here can say.
100% agree that it's difficult for the mum but that is very different to saying the dad shouldn't offer all that he can for the kids.

Izzy24 · 19/06/2022 16:37

Absolutely heartbreaking for you OP.

What a great guy their father would be if he enabled a level playing field for his children.

swifty1974 · 19/06/2022 16:39

Gigi42p · 19/06/2022 09:16

I think you should have broken down infront of them OP.

They're teenagers, not young children and they need to know the consequences of their decision and action.

It's not a bad thing for a teenager to know how much they can break their parents heart. They could be at a phase where 'money matters' and actually you being calm and together about it might have the undesired effect of them thinking you don't particularly care.

I'm not suggesting emotional manipulation. But some tears and a 'this is devasting to hear' I need some time to come to terms with it.....Is not a bad thing and maybe something your kids need to counteract their fathers materialism.

I really do think that's emotional blackmail....they didn't choose to be brought into this so they should be able to make the decisions....no guilt trips....that's not fair IMO....let them go. It must be so hard for you but kids aren't daft....I feel for you but there's not a lot you can do about it if they really want to go....

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2022 16:41

To all those saying Op will be out of pocket

she’ll just have to downsize won’t she?

kids can sleep in living room on camp bed when they visit

Dorsetdelight211 · 19/06/2022 16:41

My2pennorth but equally he should have cut that conversation dead, its 50/50 and that's it. Any decent parent would want that for their children, they'd also understand the pain this situation would cause their mum. He's being cruel to put the mum in the position of being the bad guy if she says no. Why would any decent father only want their children to see their mum every other weekend (if there's no abuse/neglect going on).