Friend’s comments about my home

[Daydreamerinme]

When DH and I bought our first home a few years ago we knew it eventually needed some work like a new kitchen and bathroom. We have already done cosmetic decorating like painting, a new roof and fence, new boiler, garden landscaped and turfed etc. I’m a SAHM and we decided that when I return to work we will start saving for a new kitchen/bathroom, but the priority was the aforementioned things.

A friend of mine visited and said that “for your household income you should be living in a much nicer house than this.”

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around. I know these two rooms need updating but it’s made me feel like I live in a disgusting tip. Our house is clean and tidy, and yet my DS(7) only had a school friend around for the first time ever recently because I have felt so ashamed of my home and what friends and parents would think. I was so stressed about the play date too and it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Friend has just bought her first home with a massive cash gift from her parents; she earns nearly 6-figures herself and I’ve seen the Rightmove link and she has bought a £780k home which looks just beautiful. I’m not jealous of her but it makes me even less likely to want her in my house again, as if she makes another negative comment I think I would just be so hurt all over again.

Thing is that friend doesn’t have form at all for saying unkind or critical comments at all.

DS has a couple of friends who live in very expensive homes and I just feel I can’t have them over for play dates. I’m friendly with the mum of one of them and I always suggest meeting at a cafe.

Another friend has a DH who is very good at DIY and has done a huge amount of work on their house so it is lovely, but she is also critical of other people’s homes. She has been to my home a couple of times and goodness knows what she thinks- she has said critical things about a mutual friends new home too ie it needs so much work, don’t know how they could live there with such an old kitchen etc.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others? 🙁

I think you seem very sensitive about your house, one negative comment has turned your world upside down. She was very rude to comment

but yes, of course, we all judge, mostly we just say someone’s house is lovely though.

I'd upgrade friends and relax about your house. Don't be one bit ashamed of where you live. It's your lovely, happy home - invite away and have DC's friends over.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others?

No - you've just been very unlucky that it's happened to you more than once.

Your friends comment was very unkind. What was your response to that.

Oh cmon, of course they do. Everyone judges, even the op is doing it, albeit in a positive way.

I think you're right, however most people are polite enough to keep their mouth shut about it...

Even if you don’t like someone’s house you certainly don’t say it unless you wanted to make that person feel bad, and why would a friend want to make you feel awful about yourself or your home? genuine friends would not do this.

Friend is rude

You need to be happy with your situation and not worry about what others think.

People have absolutely no filter these days, do they?

You can only do what you can afford to do, when it comes to renovating two big jobs you have already done, landscaping the garden and new roof you should be proud of that!

I just used to not worry about it as I thought that the type of person who looks down their nose at people's home is not worth knowing. Would it help to think like that? Dd2 had 2 friends at primary with very large homes. We live in a 2 up 2 down on a main road. I honestly don't think they cared as they liked us. Dd1 did have a friend whose mum was condescending about lots of things including our home but I dropped her. She wasn't well liked

Your friend is a right cow bag.

Meant to say I don't think they cared as they were nice normal people

No they don't.

My mum friends came from a wide variety of backgrounds, and my kids had playdates in an equally varied range of homes.

Why on earth would I judge any of those people's homes? Whether they're, say, decorated to my taste has nothing to do with whether they're big or small, flash or modest.
Obviously I'd notice if a house was filthy, but I don't go round judging whether a house is 'good enough'. People matter, not whether they have a fancy home or not.

OP, please stop dwelling on what your friend said, and please let your DS's friends come round to the house.

I might judge people’s homes if they are very dirty and messy (like days of washing up not done, piles and piles of random stuff not put away, obviously dirty bathroom etc.) Although I would be more likely to be worried about the cause and whether the people who live there are ok.

I would never judge someone’s house based on the age of their kitchen or bathroom. That is the absolute worst snobbery. I would certainly not be friends with anyone who thought that this was even remotely important.

OP, you must invite your DS friends over. He won’t care. They won’t care. If their parents care, they really are not people you want as friends.

Your friend was incredibly rude, however none of my friends would have a clue what my household income is and I don't know theirs. That's not something i would discuss with a friend.

We have a house that is unfinished, we need to decorate the hallway and lay new carpets, so first impressions aren't great and I find myself apologising to visitors when they come in. I do wonder if they go home and have a gossip, but our home is clean, tidy and happy. Its just a little rough around the edges until we can save up for the next project.

Friends don't leave you feeling like this. Find some new ones.

Only a dickhead judges people’s homes based on income, house cost, size, old decor or similar. Of course everyone notices the house they are in (it’s impossible not to) but they don’t judge the people due to it. I honestly wouldn’t give it another thought OP.

I have friends with much more expensive houses and friends with much less expensive houses. I couldn’t care less, although I do sometimes think about how nice it would be to have x or y from the really nice ones.

In hindsight I also grew up with friends with much bigger and much smaller houses. We didn’t even really notice that. The only relevant point as a kid was how welcome you were made to feel and what they gave you for dinner!!

I agree with PP that cleanliness is a different point.

Form or not, your friend was rude.

You are far too preoccupied with what people think - or might be thinking. Your home is clean and tidy and that's all that matters.

I've never lived in what you or others would term a "beautiful home". I'd be lying if i haven't sometimes wishes it was a little smarter but it's homely, comfortable and in it, I'm surrounded by all my favourite people and things.. even if none of those "things" are worth much. I have everything I need even if it's not high end or matching. I have friends from quite a vast array of incomes who visit and I really don't think they think derogatory things about my home.. and they certainly don't say them! And if they did I'd realise they weren't who I thought they were.

I'm suspect that these "friends" whose opinions occupy so much of your mind aren't really that close or important..or you wouldn't feel this way.

It's just "stuff" you know? It's not really that important. One of the reasons we don't have sought after "stuff" is because we choose to use what disposable income we have on family holidays. That's what we are going to remember when we are old and our travelling is done... not who was impressed by our sofa.

That's not what real friends do.

My DC had friends in much bigger houses and in flats. They didn't care. They liked being with fun, happy people.

I think this is about one particularly unpleasant person and not a general view of what people think of your house. Don’t invite her back.

You’ve prioritised the most important things and no one gets to see your roof or your boiler - it’s money that keeps you safe but isn’t remotely glamorous. If they haven’t had to shell out for aggravating things like that - lucky them - they don’t have a clue what they cost.

We know people with bigger houses, smaller houses, rented, owned, flats, bungalows, all sorts. If they’re clean and tidy I don’t take a note of the details unless there’s something I particularly admire.

Of course people judge their surroundings at any given point, it’s ridiculous to suggest they don’t. We judge everyone around us and every place we go in split seconds as a way of knowing if it’s safe and okay, it’s completely instinctive. But I don’t judge in a bad way if someone’s kitchen is a bit shabby. I’ve lived in some shit holes that I’ve made the most of and never worried about having friends over.

I was in a house the other day that was filthy, and it was for a party so they’d presumably made an effort, I don’t know. The floor was grim, there were crawling babies there, the cup my young child was given was disgusting. I won’t be rushing back. But not because of the decor which on that occasion I didn’t even notice due to the grub.

I don’t think everybody judges other people by their houses. You might notice aspects of the house but I don’t think everybody is adding value judgements such as ‘this isn’t a very nice kitchen and I’d expect people on their income to have a nicer home’ etc or giving what they see a second thought.

Certainly I would never make a judgement like that, but that said the aesthetics of even my own home aren’t really a priority for me. I’m not into decorating or interior design and I’m not house proud myself, I hardly consider what my own house is Leila so I definitely don’t really take in or consider what other peoples houses are like and certainly I don’t reflect on them enough to pass judgement so please don’t think everybody will do that.

I definitely wouldn’t invite that friend over again though, she doesn’t sound very nice.

I genuinely don't give a shit what friends' houses are like, as long as they aren't dirty or smelly (which they never are).

I love sitting in their kitchens drinking tea and chatting, or in the sitting room shouting at the TV together. I don't care if the kitchen is from 1973 and the sofa is from 1982, and I don't expect them to think any less of me for my laminate flooring and mismatched taps.

Ah look she was mean to say that and despite having a £780,000 home herself she seems like a jealous person. Do your kitchen in your own time and please don't be ashamed of your home,no need as things will always need doing