Friend’s comments about my home

[Daydreamerinme]

When DH and I bought our first home a few years ago we knew it eventually needed some work like a new kitchen and bathroom. We have already done cosmetic decorating like painting, a new roof and fence, new boiler, garden landscaped and turfed etc. I’m a SAHM and we decided that when I return to work we will start saving for a new kitchen/bathroom, but the priority was the aforementioned things.

A friend of mine visited and said that “for your household income you should be living in a much nicer house than this.”

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around. I know these two rooms need updating but it’s made me feel like I live in a disgusting tip. Our house is clean and tidy, and yet my DS(7) only had a school friend around for the first time ever recently because I have felt so ashamed of my home and what friends and parents would think. I was so stressed about the play date too and it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Friend has just bought her first home with a massive cash gift from her parents; she earns nearly 6-figures herself and I’ve seen the Rightmove link and she has bought a £780k home which looks just beautiful. I’m not jealous of her but it makes me even less likely to want her in my house again, as if she makes another negative comment I think I would just be so hurt all over again.

Thing is that friend doesn’t have form at all for saying unkind or critical comments at all.

DS has a couple of friends who live in very expensive homes and I just feel I can’t have them over for play dates. I’m friendly with the mum of one of them and I always suggest meeting at a cafe.

Another friend has a DH who is very good at DIY and has done a huge amount of work on their house so it is lovely, but she is also critical of other people’s homes. She has been to my home a couple of times and goodness knows what she thinks- she has said critical things about a mutual friends new home too ie it needs so much work, don’t know how they could live there with such an old kitchen etc.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others? 🙁

Cheeky cow, did you not pull her up about the parental cash gift she got?

I would judge people on how rude and materialistic they are.
I would judge people on how polite their children and family are.
The woman sounds crap and you should judge her negatively

Weird thing to say when she doesn't have form for being rude.

either she's someone you can drop or someone you can ask why she said it?

As for DS's friends. Kids are weird & like or dislike friends houses for The Weirdest reasons. I remember a thread where one kid lived in a HUGE, POSH house, with all the gizmos, & he lived going to his mates council flat because 'everything was right there, together, not miles walking to find people/things' & they all had 'tea' at the little table together.

Encorage your DS to invite his friends. People are what makes it home, not 'stuff/size

The only reply to her nasty comment should have been, 'Don't be so (bloody/fucking) rude!

Followed by a swift retort of, 'If you don't like my home, don't bother coming round again!'

She sounds like a douche. I remember when dh and I bought our first home, it was quite small and we had barely any furniture but we were so happy and proud of ourselves. Overheard friend telling another friend that she would never buy such a small house. Couple of years later she bought a smaller house in a cheaper area. 😜You chose your home, you will fix it up to suit yourselves, in your own time and to your budget, love your home and be happy.

Something that was drummed into me from an early age, and that a lot of people have clearly never learned is this old saying:

'If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all'.

She sounds like an arsehole OP.

She might have a lovely home, but that’s the only thing lovely about her. Nasty madam.

No. Normal people don’t critique their friends homes. You might admire something new if you were invited to see it - bathroom, sofa or whatever, but even then you shouldn’t criticise if it’s not to your taste, as we’re all different.

Sone people like to take other peoples pleasure away. I don’t know why. It’s not usually jealousy, as often they have more/better so I can only imagine there’s something in their life that’s awful.

Either that or they’re just a massive knob.

Always always always feel joy for other peoples successes. What a bitter person your ‘friend’ must be. You’ve done loads to your house already.

It's just "stuff" you know? It's not really that important. One of the reasons we don't have sought after "stuff" is because we choose to use what disposable income we have on family holidays. That's what we are going to remember when we are old and our travelling is done... not who was impressed by our sofa

This 100%!!!

No, we don't all judge. While I would obviously admire and compliment someone's new kitchen that they were proud of, It wouldn't even enter my head to think badly of someone for not having an up to date kitchen, or old fashioned bathroom etc. That's just shallow af. What people choose to have, or more importantly can afford to have in their homes is their business. A hell of a lot of people get themselves into debt, creating these homes that they feel pressured to have to keep up with perceived societal expectations.

I think that's the issue now! People seem to be less polite and more judgemental of others! As time goes on we seem to have become such an uncaring society to live in and its absolutely awful to see!

I've always been of the mindset, that I go to visit the person not the house. So what if it isn't perfect, we all have our own styles and characters - just like our homes do! It's meant to be lived in not a show home.

If they are genuine friends, they won't care how your house looks. They'll just be happy see you and your family.

Some years ago when my DC were tiny, DH and I scrimped and saved and worked our backsides off to be able to sell our tiny flat and buy a 3 bed house in a better area.
My friend came to visit and I proudly showed her round, only for her to say "it's very small, isn't it? Is this really all you can afford?" I was a little crestfallen, but I put it down to rudeness, and an inability to put herself in anyone else's position.

How rude. I would phase her out if it upset you that much. Maybe tell her that her stupid comment upset you if you otherwise value the friendship and want to give her a chance to apologise.

if someone invites me into their clean and tidy home and offers me a cup of tea and a decent biscuit, I am very happy. I’m sure your house is lovely

Most of my friends have scrimped and saved to renovate their houses at different times, so it would be quite normal to go round and the walls be bare plaster or have no carpets - sometimes for years on end. Certainly not something to be judgmental about, and that was a really weird comment from your “friend”.

On the other hand, if I came round & you were letting your cat walk all over the worktops I would definitely be judging!

I love other people's houses and the messiest, fullest ones are often the most interesting.

Anyone who does that is a shallow piece of s*it.
there’s more to life then bloody material things!
of I won the lottery I would NOT buy a fancy home I would buy a piece of beach and build a hut on it and buy a motor home.
I can’t stand people who are all into materialistic rubbish . Such boring shallow people. Ignore them!

She has no manners. And no, normal people don’t judge other peoples homes. It wasn’t a nice thing to say. I couldn’t be friends with someone who said that.

Hey!!! You got on the property market, yourself, you did that…it’s an achievement that not all can manage. Don’t let this woman put a dampener on that.

You could go get a job, put your child into childcare, and maybe have a little spare cash to do the house up…but less time for visitors…or you can enjoy the extra time with your child as a SAHM, and have a slightly less pretty house for a little while (bet I can guess which you will choose, and which your child will prefer).

My bathroom was ROTTEN, actually the worst bathroom I have been in, but it was clean. I had that for 10 years before I was finally able to save enough to renovate from top to bottom…my son and his friends wouldn’t have mentioned my old bathroom because it was clean (but hideous), but my son will 💯 remember the holidays we took to Disney each year.

you don’t have to have life sorted when you are young…you have time to get your house how you want it, and you can do it on your terms, not on the “friend’s” terms

Part of our problem in the world today is that people throw things out when there's still years' worth of use in them, just because they're no longer "this year's colour". Bad enough that products aren't made to last any length of time, so the scarce resources are wasted multiple times in a lifetime. When, I wonder, will people learn/understand that there are better things to be done with "spare" money than replace what was replaced two years ago!

Your friend is a snob.

Get rid of your friend

There's no controlling cats. There's only surface sanitizer.

Tbh it sounds like you simply have a “friend”, if you want to use that term, who comes from Britain’s other half of society. The inheriting half, whereas you have to work for it. People from that other half never get how our half have to live.

I have always found it very very hard to maintain friendships across such divides of opportunity and expectations. Not very politically correct, but then reality rarely is, and people like us have to live in reality.

Be proud of what you have managed to achieve so far, by yourself, by your own work, and know that she’s had it all given to her on a plate. And ignore. And consider whether this is really a friendship you can afford to keep, feeling like you’re made to play keep up with the Joneses all the time.

This.

100% this

They are not your friends.

If I came to your home it would be to see you and not the state of your kitchen.