Friend’s comments about my home

[Daydreamerinme]

When DH and I bought our first home a few years ago we knew it eventually needed some work like a new kitchen and bathroom. We have already done cosmetic decorating like painting, a new roof and fence, new boiler, garden landscaped and turfed etc. I’m a SAHM and we decided that when I return to work we will start saving for a new kitchen/bathroom, but the priority was the aforementioned things.

A friend of mine visited and said that “for your household income you should be living in a much nicer house than this.”

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around. I know these two rooms need updating but it’s made me feel like I live in a disgusting tip. Our house is clean and tidy, and yet my DS(7) only had a school friend around for the first time ever recently because I have felt so ashamed of my home and what friends and parents would think. I was so stressed about the play date too and it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Friend has just bought her first home with a massive cash gift from her parents; she earns nearly 6-figures herself and I’ve seen the Rightmove link and she has bought a £780k home which looks just beautiful. I’m not jealous of her but it makes me even less likely to want her in my house again, as if she makes another negative comment I think I would just be so hurt all over again.

Thing is that friend doesn’t have form at all for saying unkind or critical comments at all.

DS has a couple of friends who live in very expensive homes and I just feel I can’t have them over for play dates. I’m friendly with the mum of one of them and I always suggest meeting at a cafe.

Another friend has a DH who is very good at DIY and has done a huge amount of work on their house so it is lovely, but she is also critical of other people’s homes. She has been to my home a couple of times and goodness knows what she thinks- she has said critical things about a mutual friends new home too ie it needs so much work, don’t know how they could live there with such an old kitchen etc.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others? 🙁

I am thrilled my lobelia from last year have come back with a bang. :)

Yes- i had very generously hosted DH's friend at the last minute and with grace. Tbh it was a straw and camel's back situation, but when I cracked I cracked.

My parents have very 'high standards' when it comes to houses and they criticise other people with great enthusiasm. But they are retired, they are very solvent, they bought a new build and they do not have pets. One day i will point that out to them......

I am thrilled my lobelia from last year have come back with a bang. :)
Yes- i had very generously hosted DH's friend at the last minute and with grace. Tbh it was a straw and camel's back situation, but when I cracked I cracked.
My parents have very 'high standards' when it comes to houses and they criticise other people with great enthusiasm. But they are retired, they are very solvent, they bought a new build and they do not have pets. One day i will point that out to them......I am thrilled my lobelia from last year have come back with a bang. :)

Oh I didnt realise that lobelia could come back, I have always treated them as annuals and dug them up! Thank you. Noted for next year!

Yes it is the sneering and superiority I dislike intensely, everyone is at a different stage of life with different priorities and responsibilities. My sister, for various reasons, opted to become a sahp for a good few years and the family took a huge financial cut as a result. But she saved and economised and she eventually went back in to employed work, and then they renovated their house once she and her dh were in their early sixties. [It actually turned out to be a good move to do it once all children stopped drawing on things and the dog was sadly no more as it is still in pristine condition eight years later.] Anyway, it was a bit shabby up to that point but she was still a very generous host and had loads of dc over to play but she still received a few negative comments which were very hurtful. It says a lot more about people who judge than the judged imho!

How does she know what you earn?
No one knows what we earn and we should no doubt have a better house for dh salary but we choose at the mo to be where we are ..

She sounds like a twat tbh!

I also did not know that lobelia could come back! I am a neglectful gardener at best it has to be said. So i just left things in pots (with geraniums!) and they all came back!

I agree about different phases in life. My DM has come back from a visit with her sister and was a bit scathing. But her sister is coping with a husband who is severely ill and immobile. I am quite sure she cannot quite get around to keeping on top of the housework to exacting standards that she does not even realise she is being judged by.

I agree about different phases in life. My DM has come back from a visit with her sister and was a bit scathing. But her sister is coping with a husband who is severely ill and immobile. I am quite sure she cannot quite get around to keeping on top of the housework to exacting standards that she does not even realise she is being judged by.

Yes the judging is uncalled for not to mention unwise, as we never know when we might be in a similar position down the road ...

You have a nice home that you can afford , that's more than a lot of people can dream of . Taking extra debt to do up your house caused a lot of problems in the last financial crash, when mortgage rates were high and propery prices slumped. Everything you do in your home gets dated and needs replacing in the course of time , so just enjoy it, you can't get back time with your kids .

Not much of a friend, I'd get rid and carry on with your home plans at your own pace.

Awful, unsolicited comment. Says a lot more about her than you. I’m guessing that you are sensible enough to live within your means.

Just noticed how old this thread is! 🤣