Friend’s comments about my home

[Daydreamerinme]

When DH and I bought our first home a few years ago we knew it eventually needed some work like a new kitchen and bathroom. We have already done cosmetic decorating like painting, a new roof and fence, new boiler, garden landscaped and turfed etc. I’m a SAHM and we decided that when I return to work we will start saving for a new kitchen/bathroom, but the priority was the aforementioned things.

A friend of mine visited and said that “for your household income you should be living in a much nicer house than this.”

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around. I know these two rooms need updating but it’s made me feel like I live in a disgusting tip. Our house is clean and tidy, and yet my DS(7) only had a school friend around for the first time ever recently because I have felt so ashamed of my home and what friends and parents would think. I was so stressed about the play date too and it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Friend has just bought her first home with a massive cash gift from her parents; she earns nearly 6-figures herself and I’ve seen the Rightmove link and she has bought a £780k home which looks just beautiful. I’m not jealous of her but it makes me even less likely to want her in my house again, as if she makes another negative comment I think I would just be so hurt all over again.

Thing is that friend doesn’t have form at all for saying unkind or critical comments at all.

DS has a couple of friends who live in very expensive homes and I just feel I can’t have them over for play dates. I’m friendly with the mum of one of them and I always suggest meeting at a cafe.

Another friend has a DH who is very good at DIY and has done a huge amount of work on their house so it is lovely, but she is also critical of other people’s homes. She has been to my home a couple of times and goodness knows what she thinks- she has said critical things about a mutual friends new home too ie it needs so much work, don’t know how they could live there with such an old kitchen etc.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others? 🙁

fuck it be happy. The Queen lives in Buckingham palace and some people live in a war zone. Stop it all these people over thinking. Think Of your privilege - you’ve got it so bloody good. Get on with your life.

Everyone judges but we don’t have to say it out loud! That was an incredibly rude comment, as others have said, if your house is clean, safe and relatively tidy (houses with kids don’t stay tidy for long however) then that’s all that matters! Please do your other rooms up when you can afford to and in your own time and try not to let it affect you, her opinion doesn’t reflect everybody’s who enters your home

Glad your friend doesn’t visit me.... kitchen is 10 years overdue a refit... however I’ve done new boiler, windows, paint, floors etc. Sadly money doesn’t grow on trees and it’s cosmetic not a dreadful safety feature in which I would in danger my family with. One day we will be able to afford my kitchen being done but until then tough. A house is not always perfect but it’s my home . My family and I live there it does us ok and honestly if anyone has an issue with it they don’t need to come... if you pop our postcode in zoopla you will realise the money is in the house and with their issues they couldn’t not afford it.

Many people probably notice and compare other houses against their own home, but if it's decently clean, few will care if it's not decorated beautifully. If I'm feeling self-conscious about the state of my home, I make some comment myself to get it out of the way. "Excuse the mess", "forgive the clutter", "can't wait until we get new carpets", blah blah blah. (Not all of those in one visit, of course. 😅)

Your friend was thoughtless. It was a weird thing to say. That's her problem, not yours.

Oh OP - read your first paragraph back again. Then remind yourself that you’ve prioritised - you have a warm and dry home (new roof and boiler) and a secure garden (fencing).

I think it’s very easy to fall into the “my home isn’t good enough” feelings.

In answer to one of your questions - no, good friends do not walk into your house critiquing everything.

In reality, I think we’re far too influenced by what’s “out there” on SM and we therefore place demands on our lifestyle that aren’t necessary.

Just to reiterate - you have secured a dry home. Everything else is (or should be) noise.

I have friends from a wide range of economic circumstances.

A true friend values your company rather than dated decor in some rooms or the size or your home at all.

A clean house is what I enjoy visiting and living in. Not even particularly tidy but taken care of and loved.

Take it from me, an utterly sterile multi million pound show home is not as lovely to visit as a "well worn" cosy clean home where you can relax without worrying about putting a cushion in the wrong place.

You managed to get on the property ladder which a lot of people would love to do.

I think your so called friend was rude in what she said. She has a high paying job. The bank of mum and dad gave her a large sum of money to buy her current house so it far easier for her than you.
Meanwhile you decided to stay at home when your kid/kids are young. In time you go back to work and do the home improvements when you have the money saved up.
Your not getting into debt to keep up with so called friends.
As long as your house is clean, comfortable and warm that's all that matters. I know people who moved into house and over the years they did work once they had money saved.

She isn't your friend

I think it's normal for people to critique a house to themselves, keeping the negative things silent and voicing the positive.

But that doesn't mean they are judging you. People judge houses because they wonder about what they want for themselves. What it would be like if they lived there. What they would do in your position. Etc.

A great house doesn't make me think any better of a person and a house that's not great doesn't make me think worse of them.

Your friend should not have said what she did because it's obviously hurt you. But you have probably read a totally different meaning than what she was thinking. She was probably surprised because she would have different priorities. You could have responded, telling her your priorities and (assuming she isn't otherwise a horrible person, which seems to be your general experience of her) it could have lead to a conversation where you got to know each other better. Differences don't have to be problems.

In this economic climate buying any home at all is an achievement! Hold your head high, this is not a ‘you’ problem it’s a ‘her’ problem.

Bless you. We lived in what used to be called a bedsit (listed as studio flat) for six years. My DH likes to say that when my friend with a proper London job visited she was pale because of what a dump it was but she was absolutely too polite to say.

Sounds like you have been unlucky.

If your friend genuinely doesn’t have form for this then talk to her about how it made you feel and then move on. If you don’t think you can talk to her about it then it’s probably time to find a new friend whose not all about material things.

I'm guilty of realising when people need work doing to their homes, I think its just because I used to help complete renovations years ago, and keep up a lot of DIY projects at home now, but here's the thing, it's really rude of people to point it out to you, or to others.

TBH, the "worst" house I've been in, was a house which had a kitchen that was probably 30 odd years old at the time, and would have been quite inexpensive. The owners of the house were a bit embarrassed, but the lasting memory of that house wasn't the kitchen, it was the warmth of the people who lived there.
If people don't want to accept your friendship because your kitchen and bathroom have seen better days, you know, you really don't need their friendship.

Thats no friend, for sure.
What is driving that mean and nasty comment, self hatred thats what, people who are at peace with themselves have no need or desire to be unkind. So she may have a bigger house than you but she sure aint no happier for it, which just goes to show money cant buy happiness.
My home is abit shabby and run down, who the hell cares, the main thing is l love it, l am happy here, it is a work in progress but l am grateful for what alot of people don ' t have, as in a roof over their head and a safe place to stay.

She sounds like an unhappy person inside, she is probably jealous of the life you have. She is also very rude, what q shame money doesn't buy you manners. I wouldn't put much on any opinions she has, you don't really want to be like her in any way.

She was rude to say that. More than rude, actually.

However, take control of your emotions and be proud that you have a home. Some people can only dream of owning a home, and being able to do it up over time is exciting. Try to reframe your views on the situation. Don't be ashamed of your home... it's where your family grows and is nurtured, so embrace it and enjoy the improvements over time.

AND, fight the urge to visit her home and say, "wow, with all of the money that you were gifted, I'd have expected a lot nicer home than this."

😂

Yes, people do judge, some people anyway. I knew of one school mum who used to find out people's address and find out that they paid for their home. Needless to say she was never someone I wanted to have as a friend.

Choose your friends wisely, ditch the frenemies. If they talk about other people in negative terms to you, then there is a very good chance that that is how they will talk about you to other people. Be grateful for the warning!

Comparison is the thief of joy.

In your case, your so called friend is a thief too.

Life is too short to allow mean people to get under your skin.

Invite your son's friends around. Bake something nice for them as a treat. Be positive and friendly. Focus on the children. Let your son enjoy friendships now that kids can finally get together again.

It's people that matter, not the material side of things.

Er, speak for yourself! Not all of us judge actually. Depends if you are a shallow person or not.

Op, your friend who made the rude comment has no manners. Sounds as if you and your DH has made sensible decisions about your priorities. Your house can be improved over time and anyone who judges it before or during that process- however long that takes - is incredibly rude. How dare she make a judgement about your income and your living conditions? She may have meant it kindly but it was not her place to remark.

I have a friend who loves to point out flaws. I’m friends with her because she’s kind, clever and makes an effort in conversation. When she came to see our house for the first time, I said to my dh I bet she spots something wrong with it. Her first comment was it was surrounded by too many houses and it was smaller than she expected. Bingo! She also pointed out how the tiling was poor in the shower. Not a word about how nice it was. We had a laugh about it. Don’t let her unkind comments take away the satisfaction of being in your own home. If it’s upsetting you with the comments on income etc, drop her. Life’s too short.

I find the obsession with having new kitchens and bathrooms quite revolting. It's so uneco. If you have a clean, freshly painte dolder style kitchen, there is nothing wrong with it. Get smug and say you are eco-aware and don't replace things just to be fashionable.

We've sent our children to a school slightly out of our area. Most people live in far bigger houses than us. Our house is nice but small and does need some decorative work doing. I'm a SAHM like you and we can't really afford to do these things as we don't have as much spare cash as those with two incomes. Like you, I was so nervous about play dates but I've had one boy round twice now - he asked to come back so I figured I did something right. Maybe it was the snacks! 🤣

Your friend is thoughtless and a bit clueless!

If I go to a house and it's not spotless and doesn't have all the modern fittings I just feel relieved that I'm not the only one!

This me too!

I wouldn’t judge on the house itself unless it was filthy and you weren’t in the middle of building work. Actually I have thought very badly on two houses one was filthy and there was no reason for it and the other had page 3 type pictures up everywhere. I didn’t say anything at either house.

I know some people would be judging us on our house and lifestyle. I drive an old car and our house is being done up slowly as we have the time. We refrained from getting a mortgage when we moved as we were mortgage free in the last house and want to retire early and money goes into pensions before a lot of other things. We do have holidays but no takeaways, meals out are rare and we are fairly frugal for our income.

No, real friends don't critique your house/decor to your face!

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around.. You poor thing, this is over 2 years ago! Please put this behind you and be proud of your lovely home. Get some new friends and invite them round!