Friend’s comments about my home

[Daydreamerinme]

When DH and I bought our first home a few years ago we knew it eventually needed some work like a new kitchen and bathroom. We have already done cosmetic decorating like painting, a new roof and fence, new boiler, garden landscaped and turfed etc. I’m a SAHM and we decided that when I return to work we will start saving for a new kitchen/bathroom, but the priority was the aforementioned things.

A friend of mine visited and said that “for your household income you should be living in a much nicer house than this.”

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around. I know these two rooms need updating but it’s made me feel like I live in a disgusting tip. Our house is clean and tidy, and yet my DS(7) only had a school friend around for the first time ever recently because I have felt so ashamed of my home and what friends and parents would think. I was so stressed about the play date too and it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Friend has just bought her first home with a massive cash gift from her parents; she earns nearly 6-figures herself and I’ve seen the Rightmove link and she has bought a £780k home which looks just beautiful. I’m not jealous of her but it makes me even less likely to want her in my house again, as if she makes another negative comment I think I would just be so hurt all over again.

Thing is that friend doesn’t have form at all for saying unkind or critical comments at all.

DS has a couple of friends who live in very expensive homes and I just feel I can’t have them over for play dates. I’m friendly with the mum of one of them and I always suggest meeting at a cafe.

Another friend has a DH who is very good at DIY and has done a huge amount of work on their house so it is lovely, but she is also critical of other people’s homes. She has been to my home a couple of times and goodness knows what she thinks- she has said critical things about a mutual friends new home too ie it needs so much work, don’t know how they could live there with such an old kitchen etc.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others? 🙁

I admit I judge other people's homes.
A half tidy clean old kitchen will be rated better than a grimy kitchen that was installed last year and hasn't been cleaned since

Stupid thing of your 'friend' to say that. We could all do lovely things to our homes with a more than generous handout on top of a good salary!

As long as your house in not a deathtrap/smelly/dirty who gives a fuck?

A friend would never say this. That needs to be your main take away from the hurtful comments.
When we bought our 60's bungalow it had a hideous kitchen and a mobility style bathroom shower from elderly owners. Friends just looked at the bones and helped us plan what would look good in the future.
Like you we waited a few years and saved and got it done with DIY and a bit of trade help.
Please don't stop having people over or play days for your DS, kids don't care as long as there are toys to play with and a friendly welcome.
If you wait until everything is shiny and perfect you will miss out on lots of fun.

What a rude comment to make OP, your friend sounds very odd.
People who have had help from parents to buy their home shouldn't even get to have an opinion as far as I'm concerned!

It was an unbelievably crass thing for her to say, especially since she’s supposed to be a friend - and someone who’s had help to buy her own home!

You are very sensibly living within your means, and doing the house up as and when you can.

Do please try to dismiss her comment for what it was - stupid and ill-mannered. It really isn’t worth getting upset for.

Kitchens and bathrooms are expensive to do so you're doing the right thing in leaving until you're working. As long as they are safe to use, so what!

People do judge. They just don’t say anything and they don’t judge the person. But you walk into someone’s house it’s silly to pretend you don’t think oh that’s lovely, or gosh it’s messy In here or it’s very tired/needs a lot of work, or lovely garden, the first time you see it. Not any time after. And it’s not a value judgment on the person.

pretending we go into peoples homes and have absolutely no thought about our surroundings, and don’t notice, is nonsense. You only have to see the amount of threads on here with rightmove links and the often horrific comments folks make about others taste and decor. Some folks actually even go and look at rightmove if someone they know is selling or a neighbour, just so they can see inside their house.

the op knows herself folks judge, they just don’t comment, and it’s not a value judgment of the person.

The friend was incredibly rude, however the point a pp asks is valid..how does the friend know what the ops husband earns and think he is such a high earner and they can afford to live somewhere much better and in what context did the friend raise it, what was the conversation.

What a cow.

I was going to say perhaps she is jealous of you getting a house but since she has an extremely expensive one, then she must just be a cow.

So rude of her.

I had a similar experience - Me and partner bought his Mums house. It was worth about 60k more than she sold it to us for. My friend came over (she doesn't own her own house & struggles financially - I also struggle financially though). Showed her round the place and she said "well you will need a spare room at some point and you can always add an extension to the back of the house, can paint this room etc. It is actually a good sized family home. I know it came from jealousy as she has openly admitted that she struggles with her jealousy but I mean ffs!

The only way covid could have any responsibility for this is that your friend has become worryingly unsocialised and now thinks she can say these things.

Post covid etiquette lessons should be made available on the NHS

Obviously when you go into someone's home, you notice things and are aware of your environment, but not everyone turns that noticing into judging. It's clearly alien to you, but there are those of us who don't put value on people by their belongings or ability to have the newest or best house fittings and decor.

Also - expensive does not equal lovely. You can't buy taste.

There's nothing wrong with your home, your friends need upgrading though.

If a home is clean and tidy I care not a jot. It can be a 1 bed flat, a detached mansion or anywhere in between. Far more important is the welcome given.

(Actually some of my friends homes are neither clean nor tidy - I still love them.)

You are doing the right thing. Structure first. Then cosmetic. Be proud of what you have achieved.

No one knows anyone else's business. (We lived for years in a much smaller home than all our peers because of our own complicated finances. Who cares.....didn't impact them. There were a few pangs of jealousy from me.....but I was also pleased for them. If they jidged us then they weren't real friends.)

"When I want an opinion I'll ask for one" is a suitable put down for unwanted comments.

I completely agree.

Well your friend was tactless - but - so what? It just means your values are different from hers. It's a leap to think that means your house looks like a pit, and a massive (and nutty) leap to stop inviting people to your house. So stop being so over sensitive and be proud of the choices you have made.

Some people pump all their money into their homes (or have money gifted) and some don't. People who value lovely houses above all else might critique those who don't (although your friend was tactless to voice it), but it's just the same as some people critique people who are SAHMs, or who are overweight, or are structured / free range parents, or who work full time.... etc etc

Don't take things so personally, own your choices, and enjoy living in your house and inviting people to it.

You haven't got a house problem, you have a FRIEND problem!!

Being judgey and rude is her problem, not yours.

Don't let one bitchy comment ruin your home for you, OP.

Change your friends. I would have pointed out that you haven’t been so lucky to have been handed a big cash gift on a plate like some people. She’s a cow.

I think she was jelous or bitter as at that stage she hadn’t bought hers and presumably wasn’t sure if she ever would.
my house is awful as in the process of removing that has taken 4 years and I’ve run out of money to do it in one go. But I love it anyway and bought it cheap so my mortgage would be less than 100 a month. I could have got something better but I’d rather not be saddled with a huge mortgage. That’s my choice. I don’t care what people think about my home I’m proud of it and I like living there.

I think provincial little people, whose homes are used as tacky status symbols, do judge.

But decent people, nice people, characterful, bright people, people from diverse backgrounds, people who know there is more to life than money, people who have seen a bit of the world, of life - tend not to judge, no.

I feel embarrassed for your friend.

What your friend said is rude. So rude.
This is your home which you invited her in to. I'd be reluctant to again.
It might be worth speaking to her about how you feel about her comments.

Having been poor all my childhood days and at times in my adult life, I can honestly say having a roof over your head is the important thing. Some of the nicest homes I've lived in or visited, have been two up two down terraced. Some of the most miserable ones detached costly ones. Your friend was out of order.

Perhaps you could have a better house but she definitely needs a better personality.

I find people who put others down are seriously lacking something. There is never a need to put someone else down to big yourself up.

What an unbelievable response and so rude. What part of not judging the person confused you?

😂

Agree