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Original poster

Friend’s comments about my home

134 replies

Daydreamerinme · 18/06/2022 23:10

When DH and I bought our first home a few years ago we knew it eventually needed some work like a new kitchen and bathroom. We have already done cosmetic decorating like painting, a new roof and fence, new boiler, garden landscaped and turfed etc. I’m a SAHM and we decided that when I return to work we will start saving for a new kitchen/bathroom, but the priority was the aforementioned things.

A friend of mine visited and said that “for your household income you should be living in a much nicer house than this.”

I felt so shit when she said that and have felt utterly ashamed of my home ever since. This was just prior to Covid and it’s the one thing I have liked is having a legitimate reason not invite anyone around. I know these two rooms need updating but it’s made me feel like I live in a disgusting tip. Our house is clean and tidy, and yet my DS(7) only had a school friend around for the first time ever recently because I have felt so ashamed of my home and what friends and parents would think. I was so stressed about the play date too and it shouldn’t have to be like this.

Friend has just bought her first home with a massive cash gift from her parents; she earns nearly 6-figures herself and I’ve seen the Rightmove link and she has bought a £780k home which looks just beautiful. I’m not jealous of her but it makes me even less likely to want her in my house again, as if she makes another negative comment I think I would just be so hurt all over again.

Thing is that friend doesn’t have form at all for saying unkind or critical comments at all.

DS has a couple of friends who live in very expensive homes and I just feel I can’t have them over for play dates. I’m friendly with the mum of one of them and I always suggest meeting at a cafe.

Another friend has a DH who is very good at DIY and has done a huge amount of work on their house so it is lovely, but she is also critical of other people’s homes. She has been to my home a couple of times and goodness knows what she thinks- she has said critical things about a mutual friends new home too ie it needs so much work, don’t know how they could live there with such an old kitchen etc.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others? 🙁

OP posts:
AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 19/06/2022 11:10

I've had a friend frenemy judge my home and it does knock your confidence. But I've had to remind myself that, like your friend, she was rude and her taste is very different from mine. If you ever come across the "View from my window" page on FB you will see what a huge variety of homes and gardens there are in the world and how people find peace and contentment in the tiniest of spaces. This home is your special place and you are improving it in your own time, and as you see fit - or not, in my case! The dated bathrooms are staying because they are functional, and who the hell gets to say I "should" update them?

Acaseofthemondays · 19/06/2022 11:20

Who gives a shit what your slack mouthed friend thinks. It's you house and if you like it and it feels like home then it's all that matters. Being content brings peace, Desire brings struggle. Grasshopper.

NecklessMumster · 19/06/2022 11:23

I lived in grotty rented flats for years and became skilled at transforming spaces cheaply with paint, throws, lights etc to bright welcoming, friendly homes. I'd rather have an interesting home than a beige or grey luxury house. I was a bit embarrassed by my kitchen for years but it didn't stop me inviting kids etc for playdates...kids will remember how much fun they had and it'll be more negative for your kids not to have friends round

Arthursmom · 19/06/2022 12:07

Is it possible it bothers you because you were already feeling a little unhouseproud? I'm house proud but couldn't care less about others houses. Their house their choice

CockSpadget · 19/06/2022 13:34

@Anniefrenchfry if as you say you go into a house and judge that it is "so messy in here, or "this is grotty and tired and needs lots of work" of course you are judging the person, it is THEIR house. Yes, it may be by proxy, but it is still judging THEM.

Dancingwithhyenas · 19/06/2022 13:40

Wow you need new friends!
This would play precisely zero role in what I think of my friends. I have friends with all kinds of houses- I actually likely to visit the ones with messy, not beautiful houses more because there is no facade. We are just open with each orherZ

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 13:40

CockSpadget · 19/06/2022 13:34

@Anniefrenchfry if as you say you go into a house and judge that it is "so messy in here, or "this is grotty and tired and needs lots of work" of course you are judging the person, it is THEIR house. Yes, it may be by proxy, but it is still judging THEM.

Speak for yourself.

NannyGythaOgg · 19/06/2022 13:42

Growing up I lived in a 3 bed semi with parents, 4 brothers and 2 sisters.
I had a friend who lived in a huge detached house with their own tennis court. When she became a teenager the whole top floor, a self contained flat, was given over to her. Bedroom, lounge, kitchen and bathroom.
Whilst I wished I had more room and didn't have to share a bedroom I didn't ever feel jealous

We met up a few years ago (aged 60) and she told me how jealous she had been of me because my mum did things with us, took us swimming, to the park, baked and hers never did. Her mum didn't work outside the home but had her own interests and seemed to have little interest in her daughter. Her dad had more time for her but was pretty much a traditional 60s hands off dad - so was kind and chatty but not actually involved. She said the reason she got her own space was because they wanted their own life back and her out the way.

All this to say a happy home is more important than anything else and material possessions really count for little. People who are happy might notice differences between your house and their but are not going to judge negatively.

My best friend's house is cluttered with things she loves, antiques (but not expensive ones) rugs, mismatched crockery and glasses etc. Not my choice at all but it's her I care about. Mine is clean, minimalist and uncluttered and I'm know it wouldn't be her choice. Who cares we are friends.

SquirrelFan · 19/06/2022 14:16

OP, I have a nice home but I'm rubbish at decorating and not that tidy. I had one of DC's friends round, and her mum came and sat in the kitchen (clean, with maybe some mail lying around and the fridge covered in DC's artwork) for a cup of tea with me. She glanced around and said disapprovingly, "I couldn't live like this." I was gobsmacked at her temerity to think that she thought it was okay to say that aloud; furthermore, I'd been to her house and thought the exact same thing (incredibly sterile white everything, even the toaster wasn't allowed to stay on the worktop) but of course hadn't said anything!

Tillsforthrills · 19/06/2022 14:24

If she’s a very good friend usually then I’d let that comment go, she may have felt a bit sorry for you.

Brush it off and be resilient, say ‘that’s the next project - do you have any suggestions?’

If you’re confident and your home is a clean place full of happiness then you’re fine.

Blusteryday101 · 21/06/2022 12:14

SquirrelFan · 19/06/2022 14:16

OP, I have a nice home but I'm rubbish at decorating and not that tidy. I had one of DC's friends round, and her mum came and sat in the kitchen (clean, with maybe some mail lying around and the fridge covered in DC's artwork) for a cup of tea with me. She glanced around and said disapprovingly, "I couldn't live like this." I was gobsmacked at her temerity to think that she thought it was okay to say that aloud; furthermore, I'd been to her house and thought the exact same thing (incredibly sterile white everything, even the toaster wasn't allowed to stay on the worktop) but of course hadn't said anything!

What a rude cow! Especially after you had just hosted her daughter!

The answer to this sort of thing is, "well I may have a messy home but at least I'm polite"

Blusteryday101 · 21/06/2022 12:15

NannyGythaOgg · 19/06/2022 13:42

Growing up I lived in a 3 bed semi with parents, 4 brothers and 2 sisters.
I had a friend who lived in a huge detached house with their own tennis court. When she became a teenager the whole top floor, a self contained flat, was given over to her. Bedroom, lounge, kitchen and bathroom.
Whilst I wished I had more room and didn't have to share a bedroom I didn't ever feel jealous

We met up a few years ago (aged 60) and she told me how jealous she had been of me because my mum did things with us, took us swimming, to the park, baked and hers never did. Her mum didn't work outside the home but had her own interests and seemed to have little interest in her daughter. Her dad had more time for her but was pretty much a traditional 60s hands off dad - so was kind and chatty but not actually involved. She said the reason she got her own space was because they wanted their own life back and her out the way.

All this to say a happy home is more important than anything else and material possessions really count for little. People who are happy might notice differences between your house and their but are not going to judge negatively.

My best friend's house is cluttered with things she loves, antiques (but not expensive ones) rugs, mismatched crockery and glasses etc. Not my choice at all but it's her I care about. Mine is clean, minimalist and uncluttered and I'm know it wouldn't be her choice. Who cares we are friends.

What a great post! Exactly this!

Froglet84 · 21/06/2022 21:38

People really don’t judge others houses unless they feel threatened by them. I have a “friend” who when walking into my home said she couldn’t possibly live where we do because it’s too crowded. I’d not been to her house at the time but when I arrived to her home it was half the size of mine in an area with identical set up to my own. She often goes on about how she couldn’t stand to be so overlooked but has a garden that is overlooked by 5 other houses?! Other than this “friend” I really don’t judge other peoples houses unless I am likely to catch a disease in it!

I’d forget her comment and love the space your in! It’s not about the size, it’s about the love shared in that space x

IckGirl · 21/06/2022 21:47

Honestly, I judge a couple of people I know who are obsessed with their homes and seem to have no hobbies or social life as their weekends and evenings are a constant regime of 'chores' like power washing the drive every ten seconds.

One friend would not allow her children to have any garden toys as they'd ruin the look of her garden and pens and crayons were also banned inside the house in case her DC ruined her walls.

I find uptight houseproud people utterly ridiculous so, yes, we all judge, but I'd much rather be friends with you than any of them.

Fushiadreams · 21/06/2022 22:04

Froglet84 · 21/06/2022 21:38

People really don’t judge others houses unless they feel threatened by them. I have a “friend” who when walking into my home said she couldn’t possibly live where we do because it’s too crowded. I’d not been to her house at the time but when I arrived to her home it was half the size of mine in an area with identical set up to my own. She often goes on about how she couldn’t stand to be so overlooked but has a garden that is overlooked by 5 other houses?! Other than this “friend” I really don’t judge other peoples houses unless I am likely to catch a disease in it!

I’d forget her comment and love the space your in! It’s not about the size, it’s about the love shared in that space x

I totally get why you’d want to believe that, but yeah. It’s not really true is it.plenty of folks look down and judge on those who have less. But yeah I understand your desire to not want to go there and admit it.💐

Purple52 · 21/06/2022 22:08

Just it vintage!! & they’ll be jealous!

AsIfIWish · 21/06/2022 22:10

The latest comment I had on my house (after I apologised for the mess, again) was "I literally could not care less about the state of your house, I'm here to see you!"

That's the kind of person I aim and hopefully succeed to be. Everyone else can go stuff themselves! (Usually into massive debt whilst 'keeping up with the Joneses' - pah)

WoolyMammoth55 · 21/06/2022 22:15

OP I'm sorry that your friend was super rude about your house. I think she's completely out of line to say what she did.

As it happens, my house is small and cheap (ex-council terrace) but we've extended and renovated it and it's lovely inside - BUT we also have 2 small kids and a dog, so it's a never-ending battle with clutter and mess that we sometimes win, sometimes lose.

As a mum, it's important for me that my kids have friends over and I also felt very lonely during lockdowns and so we invite people over a lot. With good friends I'm happy to invite them in spontaneously even when it's on the "disaster zone" end of the spectrum - because I know they like my company and don't care about the state of my house.

All of which is to say that some people are judgy idiots but the rule is never to let an idiot stop you from living your best life! So let your DS have playdates, and don't let the bastards get you down x

GreatGardenstuff · 21/06/2022 22:54

You have friends with nice homes, but horrible manners!!

Stick to your priorities in terms of getting work done. It maybe these friends have borrowed money to make these beautiful homes, when your choice is to wait until you’ve saved.

You shouldn’t feel bad about your home because it’s a wee bit outdated, and a good friend wouldn’t make you.

Octomore · 21/06/2022 23:00

Your friends sound like total twats. I don't know anybody that makes comments like that.

So a bit of investment and DIY is probably needed to upgrade your friends.

Isaidno22 · 21/06/2022 23:01

My mum was like this about our house and so I had barely any friends over to play. Please ignore your rude friend. As someone else said, it’s the welcome and the fun you have that’s important.

catandcoffee · 21/06/2022 23:55

That was a really nasty comment to make.

Also, the other, so called, friend who criticises other peoples houses, no doubt she says it about yours too.

Be proud of your house and don't invite them around again.
Find some nicer friends too.

SolemnlySwear2010 · 22/06/2022 07:27

We are looking to buy next year and have decided to go for the 4 bed ex council house that will come available (we know the current owner) instead of one of the lovely new builds that surround us.

The area we are going to be buying in is classes as the 'poorer area' of our village simply because of the homes.

I sometimes have concerns what other people will think, but the difference in mortgage is ridiculous. We will probably pay around £120,000 for this house compared to £280,000+ for a 3 bed new build.

We could afford the newer house - but we simply don't want to be tied to a higher mortgage until near retirement. If it loses us some friends along the way due to our house choice - then they weren't really friends to begin with

SummerLobelia · 22/06/2022 07:53

DenholmElliot1 · 18/06/2022 23:14

Do people really go into other peoples homes and critique it, both to your face and others?

No - you've just been very unlucky that it's happened to you more than once.

Your friends comment was very unkind. What was your response to that.

yes people do. We have an old and fairly rundown house that we are sorting out slowly. We also have old carpets that we were not going to replace until our very old and incontinent dogs passed away. (vax machines are a lifesaver). People do comment. In fact, last year one of DH's friends came to stay and was so fucking rude about it (he inherited millions and has a lovely place in Pimlico) that i actually have banned him from the house.

Blusteryday101 · 22/06/2022 10:52

That is so rude Summerlobelia I am sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar experience with a friend's husband who literally sneered at some of the paint work in our house [which is admittedly in need of renovation but we are recovering financially from supporting family members in difficulty] and I had just cooked him a delicious roast as well ... I am definitely not going to let it go next time. So rude and uncalled for! [I love cascading Lobelia btw]