The worst thing about having no money

[letsallmeetupinthehyear2000]

is after a hard week at work you look at your bank balance and not only have you no money but you are overdrawn you can't go out and enjoy yourself or even buy yourself a tiny treat or buy any food without worrying about being in debt, you don't know how you're going to pay the electricity bill and any bit of joy or creativity has been sapped out of you you feel anxious and overwhelmed most of the time and you are so tired so tired you can't get dressed and you can't stop crying at everything

@monicagellerbing you don't have to explain any circumstances to me! All I ask is that it'll put a smile on your face. I'll PM you tonight 😊

And my family are well off-I was the poor,to be laughed at and looked down on relative
they used to laugh at me and tell me things like ‘if you bulk buy the basics like loo roll,you’ll save over the long term’
there was no fucking long term-we lived hour to hour
they just didn’t understand that I had to buy the loo rolls that where £1.99 for 4 rather than £35 for 150 (my mother loves Costco)
I didn’t have £35 for anything let alone lav roll
she pays the £70+ yearly fees then stocks up on everything-which saves her a lot
the problem was she just couldn’t/wouldn’t see that I didn’t have £70+ spare and I really didn’t have notes loose to spend-the money she saves then goes on her posh holidays/expensive clothes and jewellery/new cars every 18 months and gets her house redecorated every year
i also couldn’t afford the bus fare there-or a car to bring it all back again
im now nc but she thought it was amusing to see me ‘living hand to mouth-it’s your own fault for not spending wisely,ha,ha,ha,if I can do it anyone can’
she didn’t seem to understand that I wasn’t spending my money wisely-I didn’t have it in the first place
but she married my dad who hates parting with the steam off his piss and invested wisely when we where young (using our child benefit) so they have a nice fat income now

made worse by my aunt whos been there as a single mum with no money-she married money (and then divorced it) and never has to think where her next meal was coming from
the utter shame of when my cousin ran a pub,and I’d gone in to drop some stuff off for her
my aunt made a (well meaning in her head) point of handing me a half pint of coke and loudly saying (in a packed pub)
‘claires bought you this drink,isn’t that lovely of her?’
the shame of not having £2 spare to buy that drink still burns me inside
(Same cousin once sent me some of her kids outgrown clothes-cheap,torn and stained clothes that her kids had used as ‘old clothes’ at nursery
’oh it’s ok-I’m helping!her kids have fuck all!’
cost me again to get rid of them-but she really thought she was ‘helping’

my aunt once bought my children crappy cheap plastic toys one Christmas-and ‘forgot’ that they needed batteries to work
Those batteries cost more than the toys-and fell apart with hours of me putting them in
she laughed when she found out
’opps,silly me’
that ‘oops,silly me’ meant I had to dig around at the back of my sofa,in coat pockets and an old handbag to buy food for the week (thankfully a mate helped me out)
that one was my own fault-I just couldn’t bear to let my kids down

its bloody degrading

@HardRockOwl thank you so much. You've made me cry. I haven't had something for myself for so long. Thank you

Im sick of friends saying i dont know how you do it.like theres a choice or a secret.

Although I’m no longer in such a situation I well remember going round the supermarket mentally toting up my shopping and having to put things back on the shelves because I didn’t have enough money, eating boiled cabbage and porridge made with water for a week because I couldn’t afford anything else.
I remember my comfortably well off mother telling me I ‘looked perky’ and to have a steak (!) once a week, she wouldn’t have dreamed of giving me a few pounds to help; my father was completely oblivious.
I remember working 3 part time/bank nursing jobs so effectively from 7.30am to 9.30pm in order to try and get enough money (this was in the late 70’s/early 80’s), in order to put food on the table and clothe the DCs.
I also remember taking my birthday presents back to the shop for cash…
Awful times, even 40 years later I remember all too well.

Do you use food banks OP?

If you don't please please do. That's what they're for.

There are also many community food supermarkets around the country that collect surplus food stock from supermarkets. Some ask for a minimal donation , others are free.

This will free up some of the money you spend on food for other essentials AND other things that will improve the quality of your life.

Sorry things are tough for you atm OP. I used to be constantly broke when my children were small. As they get older it gets easier, no nursery fees etc.

Yes it's just impossible to understand when you DO have money what it's like not to have any to spare.
My sister 'got the hump' with me, as she was always asking did I want to go to this shopping centre with me. I used to just make excuses and in the end I just said I couldn't afford it - 30 min drive, so petrol, parking was usually a fiver, coffees then on top of that. I just didn't have that to spare. I'll never forget what she said, something like "well something's not right if you cant even afford a coffee". she had no clue. OP Some stores are giving away free sanpro at the moment, I forget which ones - it might be a help. Just know that your kids will grow up very appreciative though. My BIL was shocked when he took DS for a "coffee" with his kids, and they were all asking for everything, and DS said he'd just have water, so he could have a cake...(I always used to say to them they could have a drink OR a cake.... on the odd occasions we could afford it)....

I am so sorry to all those who’ve struggled so much and of course the OP. It’s shameful in this country and our embarrassment of a government seems to have no interest in fixing them. We have felt the pinch of the cost of living rises but not to the extent others have. I have always tried to give to charity and local food banks and will continue to try and contribute to this as you can see how important it is from this thread.

If you are struggling financially is there anything a colleague or school mum friend can feasibly do that would help without causing humiliation etc? Things like bringing extra leftovers in for lunch and offering them, inviting kids for play dates so dinner is paid, offering spare fancy dress clothes for world book day etc? I really don’t want to embarrass people but I do know some people who are struggling and would like to help in a discrete way if possible.

I’ve been buying candles, in bulk. In my head, it’s cheaper than putting the light on in the winter, plus, they give out heat.
I’m ok, I’ll be ok. I’ve known poverty, I grew up with it. I can whip up a meal out of nothing, I have a job and some savings. I’ll never be rich, I’ll never stop looking over my shoulder. I have that sheer desperate determination poverty instils in you.
I’m finding hope and joy in little things. I also work too much.

It’s not easy, but I am not alone in battling all this.
Hugs to you all.

I totally understand where you are comming. During my uni days I found it really tough to manage, I hadn’t a penny to spare. Plus I walked everywhere you have no idea. Thankfully my sacrifices have all paid off.

@monicagellerbing I've pinged you a message

Thanks - but I don’t want to go to a food bank - no disrespect to those who do - I buy cheap vegetables and fruit and a little bit of meat and fish and bread for the week and milk and butter and eggs

Remember, the ‘national living wage’ in the UK is £9.50ph So a full time wage on minimum wage brings in roughly £17k per annum. That’s £1,264pcm (provided there are no deductions, eg student loan repayment, loss of earnings due to sickness, no payment into a pension etc.) That is of someone can work full time hours. Less than £1,300 to cover everything. Where I am in London, a room in a shared house will cost roughly £800pcm, then there’s bills, travel (£130ish per month for a travel card), food. So roughly £370pcm for bills and food and travel costs. That’s all if you’re single. If you have children, you will get some help with your rent via housing benefit, but it’s been capped for years and doesn’t actually cover rents any more, so your nearly £500 for bills and travel and food goes down. With any luck it will be covered by the tax credits you can claim, but there’s unlikely to be any of that left for anything else after rent. Yes there’s the £86pm child benefit, but that doesn’t go far. Then there’s childcare costs, forget nursery, which costs nearly £2kpcm full time (Govt will help with the first £470ish only), there’s also breakfast club and after school club so you can work. That’s £25 a day here. Do you see how hard it is to enough left after the travel and childcare that allows you to work, to allow you to feed your children and yourself? Let alone have ‘treats’?

I remember being in your shoes when I was younger. It's exhausting and completely draining.
There is help out there, your local authority will have funds that can be used to help in your circumstances, you should check whether you have any entitlements to benefits. Ask your electric supplier if they can offer help, same with your gas and water providers. You can also check out benevolent association help (see grants at Turn2us).
You are not alone in this position, don't feel embarrassed, and be open with your friends about your position. Things will get better.

if you bulk buy the basics like loo roll, you’ll save over the long term’

I used to hear that too as well as “you need a contingency” 🙄Yes bulk buying is great when you’ve got spare cash to budget but living hand to mouth on a deficit and flying by the seats of your pants kinda stops you from buying 50 loo rolls.

Here's one that's just happened...

Duck taping the slats under your child's bed as they've broken two and you can't afford to replace it.
I only just replaced it last year and a charity had to pay for it.

I’m in a good financial position now but lived in poverty until seven years ago. Did NCT for free, what a mistake. Couldn’t afford coffee out or any of the meet ups. People would go to mother care for a mooch and I could never afford anything for my baby. No holidays for ten years, no spontaneous anything. Everything planned. Went for a walk once and card got refused buying two lime and sodas in a pub. The bar treated us like proper scum. Put me off even venturing away from home for a while.
Sympathies OP, it’s so so shit.

What a great idea!

We racked up £65k debt when my hubby got ill and stopped working. Everything was maxed.

I used spreadsheets to sort out payments etc. For 18m I managed every penny we spent - we were industrious about what we could do with the kids for nothing. Luckily, I then was made redundant so paid the debt off, but it was a nightmare and I wasn't faced with spiraling inflation etc as we are now, so no money now really is negative money :(

Good luck OP, I'm hoping you too can break the cycle xxx

@TheLadyDIdGood there is a second hand shop for school uniform. Hoping now the year 11's have finished, there will be one available.

Things are much better now but in the past when I've been skint...I remember two things that really annoyed me...

1. Telling a relative how I found petrol such a big expense...oh, you should buy a electric car you'd save loads on petrol....er ok

1. Feeling pressurised by a close friend to sponsor her for charity. I did the bare minimum of £10 but remember really needing that tenner.

Some people reading this thread will have no savings to top up, no owned house to rent out whilst they do their live in job, which is an unworkable idea for most Mums anyway.

Skip diving is potentially dangerous and is theft. Why should parents who don’t have spare cash eat unsafe, unwanted food? The food could have had rats on it or be full of bacteria if out of the fridge for too long. Why aren’t you outraged that families should have to even consider this???

If you want to do something useful, lobby your MP to do more to help families financially. Or you could ask the supermarket you steal from to discount short dated foods more deeply and ensure they are available affordably at the end of the day.

Growing food and preserving food is a nice idea but requires space, sometimes permission from the landlord, time, money for tools, skills, and for it not to matter if a crop fails. And a few blackberries and apples are nice but won’t make a big dent in feeding a family day in day out.

The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money,” wrote Pratchett. “Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of okay for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles. But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while a poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.”

I'm on a WhatsApp group with old school friends, we do a weekend away once every :5 years. This year the organisers planned a 3 day trip to the coast, staying in a lovely house, cost £550 pp

I just politely explained I could not make it this year. Another friend did not go either.

Then the pics come in if everyone eating lobster and champagne (could not make this up) and my friend had a massive rant about how this makes her feel as a single mum with cancer trying to look after her kids, and no hope in hell to earn more or afford these kind of trips.

I thought she did well to speak up

But really, people have no clue at all, even with their own friends

@JimMorrisonsleathertrousers there is a second uniform shop, I'm hoping I can get one big enough. Its normally £10 for a blazer second hand.