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Original poster

Mother and daughter best friends, what do you think when you hear this ?

236 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 17/06/2022 20:42

Just been watching George Clarke flipping fast and two for the contestants are mother n daughter and both describe themselves as best friends

jistbwondered what you generally think to mothers and daughters that say this

as tbh it’s often how I feel about my dd we are such good friends
but I tend not to say that as it’s like it makes people feel sick or eye roll etc

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 18/06/2022 17:23

My aunt was best friends with my Gran. When my Gran died she was utterly bereft and lonely and remained that way until she died. I think you need to give your children enough space so that you are not their best friend. A parent's role is already a major part in any person's life, it get claustrophobic and insular if they mop up other significant roles too.

Puffalicious · 18/06/2022 17:54

FourTeaFallOut · 18/06/2022 17:23

My aunt was best friends with my Gran. When my Gran died she was utterly bereft and lonely and remained that way until she died. I think you need to give your children enough space so that you are not their best friend. A parent's role is already a major part in any person's life, it get claustrophobic and insular if they mop up other significant roles too.

I agree with this. I worry for my DN (19 almosy 20) as my sister does smother her. I adore my sister and understand that she struggled to have her beloved daughter for a long, long time, but there are roles that need to be respected.

DN has friends, but not a best one, she has new friends at university, but not a best one: that role is filled by DSis. Since she started uni DSis and DBIL have visited every 2nd weekend, the whole weekend, for the entire year. DSis has been inconsolable most of the year and they speak multiple times a day. DN is not working abroad for summer/ going on holiday with friends, like we all did/ all her cousins are, she's holidaying with her parents and, right now, is out on a beautiful afternoon/ evening having drinks with DSis. She's never had a boyfriend and DSis likes it better this way.

DN buys into this, but I think it's because of the suffocating nature of what she's used to. She is full of personality and fun and should, in my view, be out living life as a 19/20 year old. She never goes out without DSis/ DBil arranging to collect her. She shops only with DSis. She goes out to eat only with DSis/ DBil. I get that she loves her parents, but it's all too co-dependent.

I know DSis silently disapproves that DS1, 18, is out constantly clubbing/ at gigs/ staying out all night at friends'/ going to different cities/ festivals. She reacted very strangely that I'm 'allowing' him to go on his first lads' holiday to Greece🤔. There is no allowing about it. She can't get her head around why he works until 10/11pm and he gets the bus home rather than me collecting him. And, by the way, I'd be the same if he was a girl. I did all of the above, as did she.

It's not my place to comment, but my other sister and I are concerned it's all very claustrophobic.

ForestFae · 18/06/2022 18:08

Puffalicious · 18/06/2022 17:54

I agree with this. I worry for my DN (19 almosy 20) as my sister does smother her. I adore my sister and understand that she struggled to have her beloved daughter for a long, long time, but there are roles that need to be respected.

DN has friends, but not a best one, she has new friends at university, but not a best one: that role is filled by DSis. Since she started uni DSis and DBIL have visited every 2nd weekend, the whole weekend, for the entire year. DSis has been inconsolable most of the year and they speak multiple times a day. DN is not working abroad for summer/ going on holiday with friends, like we all did/ all her cousins are, she's holidaying with her parents and, right now, is out on a beautiful afternoon/ evening having drinks with DSis. She's never had a boyfriend and DSis likes it better this way.

DN buys into this, but I think it's because of the suffocating nature of what she's used to. She is full of personality and fun and should, in my view, be out living life as a 19/20 year old. She never goes out without DSis/ DBil arranging to collect her. She shops only with DSis. She goes out to eat only with DSis/ DBil. I get that she loves her parents, but it's all too co-dependent.

I know DSis silently disapproves that DS1, 18, is out constantly clubbing/ at gigs/ staying out all night at friends'/ going to different cities/ festivals. She reacted very strangely that I'm 'allowing' him to go on his first lads' holiday to Greece🤔. There is no allowing about it. She can't get her head around why he works until 10/11pm and he gets the bus home rather than me collecting him. And, by the way, I'd be the same if he was a girl. I did all of the above, as did she.

It's not my place to comment, but my other sister and I are concerned it's all very claustrophobic.

Show quote history

What does DN actually want though? You say she “should be living as a 19/20 year old” but everyone that age will have their own ideas of what that means - I never wanted to do clubbing and girls holidays for example. What I’m saying is, there’s no need to feel sorry for people if they genuinely want and are happy with how things are.

Crinkle77 · 18/06/2022 18:28

JuneyJune · 18/06/2022 14:07

See I think it's really weird if you're married to someone but you have someone who is a better friend than the person you married?

Like why did you not marry the best friend instead if you're closer to them than your literal life partner?

Because I don't want to have sex with my best friend. Its just my opinion that a friendship is a different kind of relationship than one between sexual partners. That's how I view it but if others see it differently then that's fine. I'm not gonna argue about it

FourTeaFallOut · 18/06/2022 18:32

That's how I view it but if others see it differently then that's fine. I'm not gonna argue about it

Don't go breaking the place with that reasonable agree-to-disagree attitude.

Crinkle77 · 18/06/2022 20:20

@FourTeaFallOut 😂🤣😅

PurpleSky300 · 18/06/2022 21:00

Friends, even best friends, can change, drop you, ghost you, let you down ... they're important but they're not a lifelong constant in the way that a parent usually is. It's a completely different type of relationship. Nobody in the world 'has my back' like my Mum does so I do understand the mentality.

Blossomtoes · 18/06/2022 21:06

Chickadeeandchic · 17/06/2022 20:54

Co dependent or controlling mother that the DD hasn't twigged onto yet.

I was the daughter. My mum was absolutely my best friend and you can fuck off with your codependency and controlling. It was neither.

Belephant · 18/06/2022 21:14

DN has friends, but not a best one, she has new friends at university, but not a best one: that role is filled by DSis.

See, this is where I think I'm just not quite getting other people's mindset (I'm not trying to be rude when I say that, I just mean I think I just view life differently).

I don't understand the "role is filled" idea, or posters who've said that they think it's sad when people say their mum is their best friend because it means they don't have friends of their own. You can have as many best friends as life throws at you, surely? Just because my mum is my best friend, it doesn't mean that I don't have other best friends in other parts of my life. I also consider my husband my best friend, but that doesn't mean that when I met him my 'best friend status' with my platonic best friends was suddenly downgraded.

RagingWoke · 18/06/2022 22:32

*See I think it's really weird if you're married to someone but you have someone who is a better friend than the person you married?

Like why did you not marry the best friend instead if you're closer to them than your literal life partner?*

Because I didn't give up the rest of my life when I got married? Continued to be a whole person outside of the relationship, maintain meaningful friendships. Being in a relationship doesn't mean friendships aren't important anymore.
It's the same with parent/child, it's healthy to have friends.

StripeyDeckchair · 18/06/2022 22:32

How sad, both should have friends of their own age.

How inappropriate - a parents role is to parent not be a friend, especially when the child is at home.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 18/06/2022 22:36

you can have a best friend of any type and still have loads of other friends

its not like you have to pick one

the whole point of best friend is the friend you like the best…not your only friend

frydae · 18/06/2022 22:37

How sad, both should have friends of their own age.

Newsflash: there is no rule that says anyone 'should' have friends at all. Lots of people don't.

Summerwhereareyou · 18/06/2022 22:52

Interesting I was v close to my dm. I got her,she could make me laugh so much, we went through a lot together, she never made me feel like I had to do anything for her eg no emotional guilt and I loved socialising with her.

However I would never have called her my bf . Also my dsis and her never got on. However mil and sil I can imagine saying this and they are definitely co depend ant. But in many circumstances I think it Will be a genuine healthy bond

Ijsbear · 18/06/2022 23:01

not RTFT thread but when I hear that I think that the mother should make bloody sure that the daughter has really close bonds with other people who are younger otherwise she's be utterly bereft when the mother dies.

Time to grow up, mother, and do the best for your daughter. That doesn't mean being the biggest person in her life when the time comes for you to die.

Idontwannawait · 18/06/2022 23:08

I think it’s great tbh - I do actually have a conventional “best” friend, who has been in my life since the age of 11, but my mum is definitely best friend material, as is my daughter. All 3 of them are just fabulous people. Perhaps I’m just really lucky. 😁

Puffalicious · 18/06/2022 23:38

ForestFae · 18/06/2022 18:08

What does DN actually want though? You say she “should be living as a 19/20 year old” but everyone that age will have their own ideas of what that means - I never wanted to do clubbing and girls holidays for example. What I’m saying is, there’s no need to feel sorry for people if they genuinely want and are happy with how things are.

Show quote history

I see your point. Maybe I'll think of things differently. You've made me think, thank you.

Threetulips · 18/06/2022 23:57

I see your point. Maybe I'll think of things differently. You've made me think, thank you

If you don’t give your kids wings, they can’t fly. She may want to, but knows she can’t ask, she have friends back away because they aren’t allowed time with her, she might feel afraid to do things because her mother would disapprove - she may well cut the apron strings and explode! Or she may become secretive to avoid her mothers interference. Maybe ask her? Maybe your children could invite her out?

Blossomtoes · 19/06/2022 08:48

frydae · 18/06/2022 22:37

How sad, both should have friends of their own age.

Newsflash: there is no rule that says anyone 'should' have friends at all. Lots of people don't.

And in friendship age is irrelevant. My youngest friend is almost - not quite - young enough to be my granddaughter. The 21 year age gap between me and my son - who is also one of my best friends - is very small by comparison.

brookstar · 19/06/2022 09:21

And in friendship age is irrelevant.

Exactly. One of my closest friends is nearly 30 years older than me.

Branleuse · 19/06/2022 09:22

JuneyJune · 18/06/2022 14:07

See I think it's really weird if you're married to someone but you have someone who is a better friend than the person you married?

Like why did you not marry the best friend instead if you're closer to them than your literal life partner?

Cos that would be gross. I have no sexual feelings for my friends.

Puffalicious · 19/06/2022 10:58

Threetulips · 18/06/2022 23:57

I see your point. Maybe I'll think of things differently. You've made me think, thank you

If you don’t give your kids wings, they can’t fly. She may want to, but knows she can’t ask, she have friends back away because they aren’t allowed time with her, she might feel afraid to do things because her mother would disapprove - she may well cut the apron strings and explode! Or she may become secretive to avoid her mothers interference. Maybe ask her? Maybe your children could invite her out?

All good points. She does go out with friends, especially at uni, and with my DS1 and 2 (but this is mainly during the day/ cinema/ driving somewhere). I do think she keeps friends at arm's length at times, and has very much a traditional view of how she should behave (with men/ alcohol/ dress/ expectations) which clearly comes from her parents. She is very outgoing but not an individual, if that makes sense. I hadn't thought much that she's probably very happy with the status quo, so that's why the PP made me think. I've always seen it as a parental holding her back thing, but perhaps it's mutual and she's super happy?

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 12:28

Blossomtoes · 19/06/2022 08:48

And in friendship age is irrelevant. My youngest friend is almost - not quite - young enough to be my granddaughter. The 21 year age gap between me and my son - who is also one of my best friends - is very small by comparison.

Show quote history

Age is irrelevant.

But to me I couldn't be best friends with my children because they serve a separate purpose.

I talk about things with my friends that I could never say to my children. And wouldn't want to

Ijsbear · 20/06/2022 17:46

She is very outgoing but not an individual, if that makes sense. I hadn't thought much that she's probably very happy with the status quo, so that's why the PP made me think. I've always seen it as a parental holding her back thing, but perhaps it's mutual and she's super happy?

She'll be utterly bereft when her parent dies though. You have to set your children up for navigating all of life, not just the part when you are there. If you don't, their life after you will be devastated. I don't think that's what a generous parent wants.

Puffalicious · 20/06/2022 19:53

Ijsbear · 20/06/2022 17:46

She is very outgoing but not an individual, if that makes sense. I hadn't thought much that she's probably very happy with the status quo, so that's why the PP made me think. I've always seen it as a parental holding her back thing, but perhaps it's mutual and she's super happy?

She'll be utterly bereft when her parent dies though. You have to set your children up for navigating all of life, not just the part when you are there. If you don't, their life after you will be devastated. I don't think that's what a generous parent wants.

Sadly, I agree. BIL dropped my DS3 home today and was chatting about DS1 off to Greece with friends in a few weeks- he said it's perhaps different with boys 🙄but he'd be beside himself with worry if DNiece was abroad on her own. I gently said she'd be with friends and in a safe hotel etc and that I inter-railed at 17 for a month with no mobile phones and parents no idea where I was. He smiled and moved the conversation on. It's beginning to really bother me- but I need to butt out as no good will come of me wading in.