GP said I have had a tough life. Have I?

[SaladExerciseRepeat]

This has been playing on my mind for a few months and so I have decided to post it here, as I can't really talk to anyone in real life.

2 professional have recently inferred that "I have had it tough". The first was a doctor who I visited for menopausal symptoms and anxiety. The second was a professional, in a healthcare kind of setting who was asking me about my medical history and lifestyle. They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10. They said that they thought my stress levels were quite high and I didn't recognise it, as it had been going on so long and I had just got used to it.

So, these comments came after I shared that:

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.
My dad immediately moved on and remarried and spent all his time with them and as a result I have literally had and have no support network as siblings moved overseas.
Had to have 6 years of IVF for children.
Had very difficult pregnancy and baby nearly died.

On a lesser note:

PIL hardly speak to me and offer zero support network. They openly dislike me, blame me for everything and cause a lot of problems.
DH is a very difficult person to live with and we have broken up and got back together twice.

I have never thought to myself that my life has been harder than anyone elses. I always thought you had the same amount of crap, just in different ways. I also think there are way worse things people have had to endure than the list above. I've never thought myself unlucky or anything, as I also have a lot of fabulous things in my life. My DH is a very difficult person to live with and one professional did tell me she though it was very stressful living with him, but he also has amazing qualities too.

The reason why I am posting this is because I am at a stage of my life where I feel I need to think about "me". My DC are older now, and I have more time. Thinking about it, I am always on a high alert and always at Defcon 2, never 5. I don't have time to sit and chill and find it really hard to relax and as a result I am seeing things manifest itself in me e.g. a few health scares. I am tired.

I am not actually sure why I posted this. I think I just wanted to air it and possibly find myself telling me, that I need to change some things and take time for me, because actually yes, it has been a bit shitty and give myself a break because I really am very hard on myself, as I only have me to rely on TBH.

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen

This is enough for me to say yes

It sounds very tough and I think it's time to put yourself first

6 years of ivf takes a lot of recovering from too. I think it's lovely that you are starting to treat yourself with the kindness that you would treat others with. Its ok to sit with the idea that you have had hard experiences - it doesn't make you whingy or a victim, it can help you feel your feelings and find ways yo relax. x

Didn't need to read past my mother died suddenly when I was a teen

Yes, you have had an above averagely tough life. Even if you then posted that you are a billionaire and married to the ideal man with perfect children.

No, not everyone has to deal with the same kind of crap. I lost a parent when I was 10 and it's had a profound impact on my entire life. I was also emotionally deprived by my remaining parent, as she herself was emotionally deprived by her parents.

As I heard Angela Raynor say on a podcast recently - they loved us, but they didn't know how to love us.

Okay, compared to most people in the world I've had a very privileged life, but compared to my peers in the UK it has been tougher than average. My partner hasn't even suffered a bereavement yet (or not one of anyone close to him). I went through three major ones before I was 30 and they messed me up in different ways.

Yes, losing your mum as a teen is objectively very tough and that in itself would 'count' even if the other things hadn't happened. It sounds like you've very much soldiered on and don't like to see yourself as vulnerable - this has probably helped you cope, so it's not a bad thing. But it's also potentially helpful to acknowledge that these things happened and they were, just factually speaking, more than averagely sad and hard.

Losing a parent as a child is life changing anyway but without the support of a loving family I'd definitely say you have it tough and that's without gruelling years of IVF and everything else.

If you are now at the stage in life where you want to do things for yourself and reduce stress levels, I'd be looking closer to home as it sounds like your DH and his family a major source of current stress and you could lead a happier and more carefree life without them.

When you say he's difficult but has amazing qualities what exactly do you mean here? what level of difficult are we talking? mine leaves the toilet seat up, snores and gets on my nerves sometimes but is kind to me and we have a laugh together so good out-ways the bad. But if you walk on eggshells, he's abusive in any way or he's just plain mean but occasionally treats you or says nice things, then that's far from ok and Life's too short to put up with shit especially when you're old enough to be in charge of your own destiny.

Thank you for the comments. I did get a bit teary.

On one hand I feel I have missed out on a lot of things with my mum, and then my dad, but then on the other hand I am grateful for the resilience I think I have developed. I am hoping that I have paid my dues upfront and I will be left in peace as I get older.

Seeing your comments it is dawning on me, that yes, I have had my fair share of crap and some of it still on going. I think that the fact that some of it is still ongoing, is making me rethink what I am doing.

I need to give myself permission to say "you know what, I have had it tough at times in my life and I need to take care of myself so I am here for my DC and DGC in the future, so actually NO, I am not doing that, and I am no longer taking that crap off that person".

Feel so much better saying that. 😅

I think everyone has their stuff to deal with. How you deal with it depends on you and your support networks. I do think it’s rather odd that you’ve been labelled as having had it tough though as surely that’s dependent on how you feel about everything.

That all sounds really tough to me. Be kind to yourself op

I have also heard this alot and it is uncomfortable (but true for us both). I started hearing this after my baby died just weeks old. People are insistent on therapy and talking about it. This is maby something to consider when you are ready but I also understand the self preservation and fear that acknowledging, and feeling all that hurt is scary.

When you say he's difficult but has amazing qualities what exactly do you mean here?

He's not abusive or anything like that. My DH has quite a successful career and this often spills over into our marriage in terms of very high expectations. He is a perfectionist and sometimes it is very draining. He also works very long hours. On the plus side, he is a very loving man and very generous and we have loads of shared hobbies.

Anyone whose mother died when they were a teenager have had a very hard time IMHO. I agree with thinking about the now and how to reduce stress and do nice things now and look after yourself now.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum and that your dad didn't step up.

What does a life without your difficult partner look like? Just think how peaceful it would be without him and his horrible family.

Really sorry about your baby Lulu and also your situation TheLeadBetterLife.

I think the exact words the GP used were "you have had a lot of trauma in your life".

I would say you have had a tough life, but I love your resilience, and no woe is me attitude. You are right very many people have also had a tough life, and you clearly have strong survival instincts. Well done.

I always love this CS Lewis quote "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending".

Ahh! That a little different!
it’s up to you what you need to do for yourself going forward, but do be kind

Two things

1– i don’t think the HCP you talked to were judging your life vs others but were recognising you have through a lot stuff (that are difficult in themselves )

2- All the things you mentioned are hard to live through. Death of a parent at a young age, infertility, relationship breakdown. Each of those will raise stress levels in anyone (how you deal with it will be very different from one person to the other)

Re recognising your own stress level. I think it’s hard when your default position is stress (eg 6 years of infertility or relationship issues). It’s easy to then feel high stress is THE norm because it’s YOUR normal isywim.
Plus recognising that there is some stress is recognising that there is something not quite right. And that you should do something, starting with recognising what is the cause of the stress. Again, it can feel easier to deal with it by ignoring it. And therefore ignoring the stress

I would wonder if the sudden death of your mum put your body on high alert and you’re always in fight or flight mode so find it hard to relax as a result.

Xpost

Yep. That was a statement. All of those would be considered traumatic by most people.
Its not a judgement of whether you ve had it worse than others

You don’t mention work or health stress?

financial stress
Employment worry
Health stress
worries about my children

Thankfully you don’t mention these

I lost both my parents young in awful circumstances

and whenever mentioned people always assume I have had a dreadfully stressful life

an easy assumption to make. That experience was hellish but it certainly hasn’t made my entire life stressful!

I recognise you in my history and my perception. I occasionally find myself realising that I tend to not see issues as being big issues, because in comparison with stuff I've dealt with, they aren't big issues. It makes it difficult to fully appreciate why people around me are reacting to something I perceive as a small deal if that makes sense. You just get very used to operating at a higher level of 'stressed'. On the plus side it means very little phases me now 😂

Life in summary:

• parent became seriously Ill when I was 16 necessitating multiple surgeries and healthcare
• other parent committed suicide when I was 21 leaving me to care for terminally ill parent 3 siblings aged 5-18 and a family business
• terminally ill parent remarried a year later adding extra siblings and a step parent to the mix
• terminally I'll parent died when I was 28
• 3 years of infertility before finally conceiving
• alcoholic in law died

Now I'm 38 and very resilient. You have had a lot of tough circumstances to deal with but they haven't broken you.