GP said I have had a tough life. Have I?

[SaladExerciseRepeat]

This has been playing on my mind for a few months and so I have decided to post it here, as I can't really talk to anyone in real life.

2 professional have recently inferred that "I have had it tough". The first was a doctor who I visited for menopausal symptoms and anxiety. The second was a professional, in a healthcare kind of setting who was asking me about my medical history and lifestyle. They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10. They said that they thought my stress levels were quite high and I didn't recognise it, as it had been going on so long and I had just got used to it.

So, these comments came after I shared that:

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.
My dad immediately moved on and remarried and spent all his time with them and as a result I have literally had and have no support network as siblings moved overseas.
Had to have 6 years of IVF for children.
Had very difficult pregnancy and baby nearly died.

On a lesser note:

PIL hardly speak to me and offer zero support network. They openly dislike me, blame me for everything and cause a lot of problems.
DH is a very difficult person to live with and we have broken up and got back together twice.

I have never thought to myself that my life has been harder than anyone elses. I always thought you had the same amount of crap, just in different ways. I also think there are way worse things people have had to endure than the list above. I've never thought myself unlucky or anything, as I also have a lot of fabulous things in my life. My DH is a very difficult person to live with and one professional did tell me she though it was very stressful living with him, but he also has amazing qualities too.

The reason why I am posting this is because I am at a stage of my life where I feel I need to think about "me". My DC are older now, and I have more time. Thinking about it, I am always on a high alert and always at Defcon 2, never 5. I don't have time to sit and chill and find it really hard to relax and as a result I am seeing things manifest itself in me e.g. a few health scares. I am tired.

I am not actually sure why I posted this. I think I just wanted to air it and possibly find myself telling me, that I need to change some things and take time for me, because actually yes, it has been a bit shitty and give myself a break because I really am very hard on myself, as I only have me to rely on TBH.

Of course she should/can acknowledge that she’s had a lot to deal with. But a bunch of random people online saying yes it’s really tough or listing all the traumatic events of their own life isn’t actually going to help in terms of moving on.

Many of you are completely missing the point.

A therapist/medic telling you that you’ve had a hard life is actually quite a shock. It happened to me and I was so hurt/bewildered . The first thing I did was seek confirmation from those about me. But do you know - 20 years in - he was right.

OP is not seeking sympathy or pity; she is trying to reorient her sense of self ie who she is. I thought of myself as ballsy and unconquerable but didn’t realise much of that belligerence came from trauma and constant stress. It was a moment of epiphany when the doctor said that to me and in the long term I was grateful.

this is not misery top trumps

this is not OP looking for sympathy particularly although I think anybody who loses a parent in their teens definitely deserves that

this is somebody whose been told that life hasn’t been kind to them. Nobody wants to hear that.

Weloveyou,

Yes, I’d agree with what you have said. I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for a long time and I’m a bit taken aback by the professionals comments. I didn’t think I was stressed out, but I have normalised it.

Definitely not looking for sympathy. I discussed how I am feeling with DH this morning and he said to me that he can see that I have had it tough in the past, but I’ve also had amazing things in my life too. He’s definitely right about this.

I have got a lot out of this thread. It has been the push that I need to acknowledge that I need someone to take care of me, to nurture me. I can get some of that from friends and those close to me, but mostly it needs to be me, looking after me.

but mostly it needs to be me, looking after me

This is good to hear, OP. Sounds like you've made a healthy shift in mindset.

I disagree. The OP has clearly said that she didn’t realise the effect of events on her and people sharing what they’ve found ‘traumatic’ helps her to re-examine her own life and categorise the things that may have given her a skewed perspective of ‘normal’ as something else instead of a foundation template for life.

It gives her the opportunity adjust her responses going forward. It’s not necessarily an exercise in wallowing, though there is that danger, it’s an exercise in risk assessment and being alert to consequences.

Sharing as a method of processing isn’t new. In addition to the above sometimes hearing/reading someone put into words something you’ve experienced helps you go make sense of things that have eluded you to that point.

Telling someone to ‘move on’ without expanding on ‘how’ isn’t particularly useful either. Concentrating on positives can be part of a wider response but used alone it isn’t a fix because often it doesn’t truly impact enough to resolve negative feelings or behaviours. It’s a sticking plaster.

Well said!

Well seeking professional help, working from working, learning to balance things. Not asking a bunch of random strangers to list their own traumatic events and say yours are also traumatic.

Ok @Kanaloa. It does make me wonder why it would provoke any response at all from you if you don’t put much value on others offering experience. That’s exactly what you’ve done isn’t it?

What’s the value in telling a bunch of strangers that there’s no value in the opinions of a bunch of strangers?

I didn’t say there’s no value. It’s just a big thing with me - I find quite often people post things on mumsnet that aren’t appropriate at all for this forum. It happens often with people who have obvious eating disorders. It’s a personal thing as I say. I hate to see people who are obviously vulnerable seeking that affirmation online. I know from personal experience that it isn’t the advisable way to go about it. These types of issues need professional assistance. That’s why if you go for therapy they don’t suggest you ask strangers in the street for advice and support. Often that advice will end up being (although well meaning) unhelpful or even harmful. For someone who wants to work through past issues having others say it was traumatic or list their own deeply traumatic memories isn’t actually going to help.

And it also encourages others to jump on and list out their deeply traumatic past issues in the same way the eating threads draw a bunch of people jumping in to list out their height/weight/BMI. It’s just not healthy for anyone.

It's not for you to say, @Kanaloa

Your personal experience isn't universal. OP has stated a few posts above yours that the thread has helped her see what she needs to do: care for herself.

Well we’ll have to agree to disagree. That’s my opinion. If op feels like it helps her then she’s entitled to think that.

Sorry you lost your Mum so young. There is a lot of crap around in my opinion and no one escapes it. Just in our little family, we had infertility treatment which failed, adopted a son with huge issues. He was abused. I have stress. DH has a heart condition and stress having to cope with me and Ds. Dhs Dad also abusive, both our mum's have dementia, I'm losing my sight. But I could say the same or similar for any family. And if bad stuff has not happened yet to anyone it soon will.

You’ve had it tough like lots and lots of people. It’s not something to compare
to others. The GP was trying to be validating and understanding but to me it does sound like you’ve had it hard. X

You think that your personal experience is universal, and you disagree with OP about whether the thread has helped her? Gosh.

Well no, that’s not what I’ve said at all. What I’ve said is that I don’t think it’s healthy to validate experiences by asking others (strangers) online to list their own traumatic experiences.

You don't realise you're anything if it's always been your way of life. Sad/lonely/anxious etc.

It's a shock to realise as an adult that what you've coped with and maybe even at times considered yourself lucky for having is actually a very tough life. The dam broke for me when my dad went to the Dr and for some reason they got talking about me and the Dr asked my dad questions about how I cope etc that my dad repeated back to me. I'd always considered myself the problem and lucky.

The best of luck on your way to I guess reassessing your life now. Shadow work may well help you come to terms with your new feelings about memories etc.

That's fine then, because OP has not done this.

@Kanaloa

Well no, that’s not what I’ve said at all. What I’ve said is that I don’t think it’s healthy to validate experiences by asking others (strangers) online to list their own traumatic experiences

I can’t see where the OP asked people to do this.

You've deffo had it tough yes, hope you manage to work through this so you are happy again. Time to start focusing on you.

She didn’t ask. People have obliged nevertheless.

There's also "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa which focuses on Adverse Childhood Experience's and how they predispose us to chronic illness later in life, and a toolkit on how to deal.

@Kanaloa I have seen what you're talking about on other threads where the op is vulnerable and asking in good faith, desperation or naivety only to get the most horrendous and damaging replies. There is something about a (seemingly) free and anonymous platform that brings out the best and worst of us. Thankfully this thread isn't going that way and MN is normally quick at removing inappropriate comments.

Do you really need a difficult husband when you've been through so much already?? He sounds like the fun police.

Loosing a parent as a teen is tough - so that’s enough to say yes, then on top of it you add IVF and all the rest.

So not as tough as some of course, because it sounds like a lot has gone right for you, but enough to contribute to chronic stress and anxiety which is what I guess they want to grasp