GP said I have had a tough life. Have I?

[SaladExerciseRepeat]

This has been playing on my mind for a few months and so I have decided to post it here, as I can't really talk to anyone in real life.

2 professional have recently inferred that "I have had it tough". The first was a doctor who I visited for menopausal symptoms and anxiety. The second was a professional, in a healthcare kind of setting who was asking me about my medical history and lifestyle. They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10. They said that they thought my stress levels were quite high and I didn't recognise it, as it had been going on so long and I had just got used to it.

So, these comments came after I shared that:

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.
My dad immediately moved on and remarried and spent all his time with them and as a result I have literally had and have no support network as siblings moved overseas.
Had to have 6 years of IVF for children.
Had very difficult pregnancy and baby nearly died.

On a lesser note:

PIL hardly speak to me and offer zero support network. They openly dislike me, blame me for everything and cause a lot of problems.
DH is a very difficult person to live with and we have broken up and got back together twice.

I have never thought to myself that my life has been harder than anyone elses. I always thought you had the same amount of crap, just in different ways. I also think there are way worse things people have had to endure than the list above. I've never thought myself unlucky or anything, as I also have a lot of fabulous things in my life. My DH is a very difficult person to live with and one professional did tell me she though it was very stressful living with him, but he also has amazing qualities too.

The reason why I am posting this is because I am at a stage of my life where I feel I need to think about "me". My DC are older now, and I have more time. Thinking about it, I am always on a high alert and always at Defcon 2, never 5. I don't have time to sit and chill and find it really hard to relax and as a result I am seeing things manifest itself in me e.g. a few health scares. I am tired.

I am not actually sure why I posted this. I think I just wanted to air it and possibly find myself telling me, that I need to change some things and take time for me, because actually yes, it has been a bit shitty and give myself a break because I really am very hard on myself, as I only have me to rely on TBH.

Sorry about what has happened in your life FatAgainItsLettuceTime. I see we have similar usernames too.

I agree with not appreciating why others react the way they do to what I see as small issues. Sometimes I think I lack empathy for people over things they are experiencing which I don’t see as major, but then I’m the first person to offer help if I think that person has had something horrible happen to them.

but they haven't broken you

That’s interesting because I actually don’t think I’m that strong TBH. I think I’m quite weak. I said I am resilient but I actually think a poster said it more correctly when she mentioned soldiering on and not wanting to come across as vulnerable. I do worry that one day there might be a straw that breaks the camels back, but then I have got to middle age and I’m still in one piece.

Saying you have had a tough life is not the same as saying you have had the toughest life of anyone. I wonder if you are in that mindset?
I have met people who have had tougher lives than you, but lots of people who have had easier lives. The lack of any family support or a supportive partner does make your life tougher.

Does it matter if other people think it’s tough or not? If you feel it’s affected you badly then it’s been tough to you. And hearing other people’s worse or better lives won’t really help you feel better about yours. For what it’s worth it doesn’t sound awful to me. Moments of terrible grief and hardship - like almost everyone. But of course you’ve only listed all the most negative things in your life. Most people’s lives would look tough if they listed everything awful that had happened to them.

That’s the thing though isn’t it, a string of traumatic events normalises a particular level of stress. There’s a point where your perspective as an individual about circumstances can be skewed and you don’t necessarily perceive stress the stress that you’re under.

So if I was in your position I’d probably be thinking how lucky that even though I struggled to conceive I eventually had a baby. What a miracle that my baby nearly died but is with me now. Although it’s tragic that my mother died I suppose I could have had it worse. I don’t like to sit around thinking about how tough things have been and how I have the hardest life of all. If I did that I’d never do anything else.

You sound like you have great resilience OP, you should be very proud of yourself.

But yes, please do take some time to slow down and look after yourself XxX

I don't want to compare, I don't think people should,

So what I'll do, is say, you jave listed things in your life that are hard, that I expect you feel were hard too.
It's a fact that you have hard hardship in your life, and that takes a toll. You don't need comparison to others, just to know, yes there has been stuff in your life that hasn't been easy to deal with.

In regards to your husband, if he's difficult to live with, why isn't he trying to change that?

It sounds like you have had a lot of trauma to deal with and it’s completely understandable that your experiences are impacting your health.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by concentrating on yourself now, all the best for the future

I think that sounds very tough, yes.

I get how people are pointing out that dwelling or wallowing in your life’s lows isn’t helpful to anyone (I agree it isn’t) but there is a value in recognising that you find an unusual amount of stress ‘normal’, because it isn’t and there are physical as well as mental consequences to that.

When people grow up in an abusive household (for instance) it normalises a certain kind of behaviour to an extent and they’re at more risk of repeating those behaviours, especially if they’ve never fully recognised and understood their own responses to it and broke the cycle. If to you a normal relationship involves being physically or emotionally hurt on a regular basis you’re more likely to find yourself with lots of relationships that follow that pattern whereas someone else would recognise the red flags earlier on.

If you experience trauma and stress on a regular basis throughout your life it’s important to understand that and your response to ensuring your taken care of and don’t ‘burn out’ for want of a better phrase.

I have had a similar life to yours. My doctor has said that i have not had an easy life. I just think that it is the only life ive known so it is my normal. I feel that i am mentally tougher than a lot of my friends because of what i have been through. I can relate to the feeling that you only have yourself to rely on.
Be proud of yourself and definitely make time for yourself because only you can take care of you. Be proud of yourself.

You don't have to compare it to others for it to be tough. You've had a tough time of it. That's enough. They were right.

Like pp have said, losing a parent as a child is horrendous so yes you have had it tough without all the added extras. If you can grab at chance at happiness go for it OP. My mum lost both her parents as a child and then had 2 horrible, violent husbands. She lives alone now and happier than when she was married.

Yes, you are experiencing stress.

You have no support systems because of death and open hostility of your ILs.

You are married to someone who is 'amazing' BUT 'difficult'.

You shouldn't be putting up with any crap from your H.

You can't do anything about the loss of your mother. There are some things you can change in life though, and a bad relationship is one of them.

How much stress would you cut out of your life if you were to end the marriage?

Not going to lie OP, I can see where your GP is coming from!

Have you read "The body keeps the score"?
If not, I would recommend it. I know it sounds like they'll be wibbling on about karma within 3 pages but it's absolutely not like that, it's a very readable but scientific book about how trauma affects the brain and how that affects behaviour from that point onwards. Crucially it also covers how to start recognizing and dealing with undesirable after effects of trauma.

"They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10."

On a scale of 1-10, how bad is your stress now? What things are causing your stress right now? How are you going to reduce it?

You have had a few hard things to deal with. How do you feel about them, the things that happened long ago? Have you had counselling? Why did you marry such a difficult man? Do you have poor self esteem?

Yes, you haven't had it easy. Yes time to think about you, put yourself first. This is the first day of the rest of your life, what you do is up to you ... you deserve it to be a good one

It's a nice way of saying "It's not your fault that you're feeling how you do"

Yes, you have absolutely had it tough. That's not really what you're asking though is it? I think your post about feeling weak is more relevant - what I hear from that is that you fear life will break you someday. The fact that you're asking about your life being tough says to me that you're starting to realise you're ready to face some of the things that have happened and deal with them, be kinder to yourself and expect a bit more from the people around you. That's really great and I think you should listen to that realisation.

Agree this sounds tough!! More than tough tbh. I think I have some days I find things ‘tough’ and I’ve had none of these events occur in my life. I think just one or two of them are hard things to grapple with. In any case; you don’t need to have had a tough time to treat yourself well. Wishing you all the best xxx

Yes OP you have definitely had it tough. I wish I could give you a hug, and your younger self. Look after yourself. 💐

I sort of know what you mean OP. When it's your life, you don't see it as tough or difficult or upsetting - it's what you have lived through and, to you, it's normal.

I have always seen my own life as "normal" but it is only when I speak to other people (which I do very rarely) that I realise it has been very stressful.

1. Father died when I was 13. I went off the rails a bit and left home when I was 15 to live with an older man who was 19. It was only when I was a parent myself did I realise this was wrong and my mother did very little to stop it.
2. Mother was disinterested and only thought about how things affected her and my younger brother. Every time I saw her she would bring up things I had done as a child that upset or displeased her in some way. I have not seen her now for nine years.
3. Sexually and physically and emotionally abused and then stalked by my first boyfriend (the 19 year old mentioned above). I had moved back home and he used to break the windows every other weekend and he also used to smear dog shit all over the windows and door handles outside. He eventually climbed on the roof of the house with a gun.
4. Met and married my first husband who was also very violent. When I left him he reported me as missing to the police (he knew where I was but he was being a twat). Their response was to dig up the back garden and to pull up the floorboards in my house because they thought he had killed me.
5. My DS went a bit off the rails also, when he was 11 years old, and eventually got permanently excluded from school when he was 15. That was very, very stressful but he's doing really well now and his behaviour improved massively when he got diagnosed with ASD.

In my head I just put all of this stuff in separate boxes and very rarely think about them. There is little point in dwelling on this stuff on a day to day basis. I am having counselling though to try and stop me feeling so numb and cut off from my feelings. But this is my life and I don't particularly see it as anything different, or worse, than what most people have to deal with.

You've had it tougher than some, and not so tough as others.

You don't need a tough past to put yourself first, today and ongoing. Looking for this sort of external validation ('I've had it tough so I deserve to go easy on myself now') isn't a healthy way to have self respect.

You have as much right as everybody else to treat yourself well, and to only share your life with others who treat you well, and with whom you feel good. You don't have more right, due to what you've been through. People who have had it easy don't have less right.

I went for therapy when I was suffering from pnd. I had to tell him about events in my life. So my sister died when I was 20, i have no other siblings and my mum fell apart. I went a bit wild, drinking and bad relationships.
I've had 3 miscarriages, one on my wedding day. Had pnd with 3rd child. My mum now has a terminal illness.
The therapist said something similar to your doctor and I didn't realise that actually I have had a stressful life. Maybe because these events are over 20 years and I've obviously had good times inbetween.
I think you need to acknowledge that you have had traumas and maybe deal with any of those issues that you haven't dealt with. I found cbt vwry good. But I definitely remember feeling surprised when the therapist said that to me, almost like so what shall I do about that then?