GP said I have had a tough life. Have I?

[SaladExerciseRepeat]

This has been playing on my mind for a few months and so I have decided to post it here, as I can't really talk to anyone in real life.

2 professional have recently inferred that "I have had it tough". The first was a doctor who I visited for menopausal symptoms and anxiety. The second was a professional, in a healthcare kind of setting who was asking me about my medical history and lifestyle. They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10. They said that they thought my stress levels were quite high and I didn't recognise it, as it had been going on so long and I had just got used to it.

So, these comments came after I shared that:

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.
My dad immediately moved on and remarried and spent all his time with them and as a result I have literally had and have no support network as siblings moved overseas.
Had to have 6 years of IVF for children.
Had very difficult pregnancy and baby nearly died.

On a lesser note:

PIL hardly speak to me and offer zero support network. They openly dislike me, blame me for everything and cause a lot of problems.
DH is a very difficult person to live with and we have broken up and got back together twice.

I have never thought to myself that my life has been harder than anyone elses. I always thought you had the same amount of crap, just in different ways. I also think there are way worse things people have had to endure than the list above. I've never thought myself unlucky or anything, as I also have a lot of fabulous things in my life. My DH is a very difficult person to live with and one professional did tell me she though it was very stressful living with him, but he also has amazing qualities too.

The reason why I am posting this is because I am at a stage of my life where I feel I need to think about "me". My DC are older now, and I have more time. Thinking about it, I am always on a high alert and always at Defcon 2, never 5. I don't have time to sit and chill and find it really hard to relax and as a result I am seeing things manifest itself in me e.g. a few health scares. I am tired.

I am not actually sure why I posted this. I think I just wanted to air it and possibly find myself telling me, that I need to change some things and take time for me, because actually yes, it has been a bit shitty and give myself a break because I really am very hard on myself, as I only have me to rely on TBH.

@Kanaloa How are you reading the Op like that?

It seems to me she’s just processing a suggestion that came as a shock to her. It’s surprising to be told that your life has been difficult and that might have contributed to chronic stress, and it could also be upsetting. Asking other people what they think in a situation like this is a normal way of gaining perspective while one is processing.

I don’t see any evidence of anything beyond that.

I don’t disagree entirely, there’s a lot we need to learn and improve on regarding internet communication and support alongside mental health treatments; certainly eating disorders and self harm are vulnerable to users encouraging each other rather than supporting.

I don’t see that here though and I don’t think there’s a danger of encouraging others to seek ‘traumatic events’.

Basic human communication looks for and benefits from commonalities and there is support in speaking with people who are prepared to talk about the same issues you face - hence why we have actual irl support groups.

My health visitor said I'd had a hard life. Abusive husband (emotional and financial) , fertility treatment, prem baby, pnd. I don't honestly think that's a hard life !

Do you think it’s normal or easy though @TypicallyTopically? None of those things you listed are things we are taught to expect or prepared to deal with.

To define ‘hard’ in that context people tend to imagine how they’d cope and if solutions or coping mechanisms aren’t commonly found or easy to access it becomes clear these things will be hard.

I would agree with your HV. All of those things are hard or tough to live through, you’ve certainly had to expend energy and resources on those things that someone else wouldn’t have had to.

Tbh I never expect anything to go well so I wasn't surprised or shocked lol

I had a similar experience recently. My mum passed away and my dh was joking with my brother about how I'm very stubborn to argue with. My brother, thinking he was serious, said not to defend her but she's had an extremely hard life and put up with a lot more than the rest of us growing up (lots of siblings, I'm youngest).

I was a bit shocked as I'd never really thought about it but I started to think about it and realised it's probably true. Don't want to hijack but feel like it will also do me good to air it all.

• I had to move country when very young due to one sibling drug dealing and me almost being taken into care. I went to 3 different primary schools and we were homeless for a while before moving.

• Suffered bullying throughout school for not being from there, also found it difficult due to undiagnosed autism and adhd.

• Dad died suddenly age 15. Mum became severely depressed and I had to grow up there and then and was left on my own for weeks/months at a time and when she was there she rarely left her bed.

• Suffered severe depression, self harming etc throughout teens. Involvement with social work constantly, referred to a psychologist who said I was depressed so my mum refused to take me back as she believed I was too young to be depressed.

• Was neglected throughout my childhood, didn't get teeth brushed, never taken to dentists or doctors regularly, went to school with dirty clothes etc.

• Very difficult pregnancy and birth with first child, hypermesis gravidarum and theatre after labour due to losing too much blood and severe tear.

• Cholestasis in second pregnancy, weeks in hospital at a time, early induction, severely jaundiced child, all resulting in postnatal depression.

• Counselling in pregnancy revealed repressed memories of child abuse.

• House fire months after second pregnancy, at the same time my mum was in hospital and we were told she would die (she didn't). All around 2019 and all while suffering from PND.

• We were staying in a family friends house who died at the start of the pandemic, we got evicted after this and were having to go homeless but luckily got a house.

• Both my kids were diagnosed with Autism, which spurred my own assessment and discovery.

• Health problems recently, recurring chest infections, fevers, heavy clots and severe dizziness and nausea through periods and I'm struggling to get taken seriously by GP. Also diagnosed with asthma.

• Mum passed away this year, both parents gone by my late 20's.

There is more I haven't added as it's already very long. But my point is, I never considered myself having a hard life but now looking at it all written down makes me think to myself maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty about my MH issues and not be so hard on myself.

OP I think it's normal not to regard your own experiences as difficult as they're all you know, they are just life to you so you may not regard it as anything out of the ordinary. I never did. Be kind to yourself and be a bit selfish on occasion, I plan to when my kids are older.

Apologies, just realised how large and spaced out my comment is!

You have had some tough times in life. Yes, lots of other people have had tough times too, but that doesn't make your difficulties easier to bear. Your neighbour's broken leg doesn't make your broken arm hurt any less, and all that.

Another thought, you don't have to justify taking care of yourself, or putting yourself first, on the basis of having had a hard time. It's always a good idea to do those things, regardless of life circumstances.

Im no expert OP but I'd say you're right in that maybe your life isn't necessarily any tougher than anyone elses in general, but I'd say it's the low level misery of an unpleasant parent in law and husband situation. Just sounds to me like an unhappy say to day situation that is grinding you down. Is it really the right thing to stay together?

Yes OP you have. Work stress etc is transient and sometimes fixable, the death of your mum isn’t.

This is a thread from 4 months ago.

I mean yes you’ve had it tough, but I wouldn’t say abnormally so. It’s actually quite depressing how common a level of ‘tough’ your situation sounds.

I know 4 people in my close circles who lost parents young, a fair few who have had cancer, lost children; had children who were horribly unwell, sexual abuse, domestic violence. I’m not saying any of this to minimise, at the end of the day ‘tough’ isn’t a competition it’s more like a tick box exercise and you certainly qualify BUT in my circles you’d be very much on the average side of ‘had it tough’ and I don’t think anyone would think your situation was particularly tragic. Of course we’d feel sympathetic and listen over a coffee but you’d be hearing very similar stuff back from us. Which is more a reflection on how horribly common it seems to be to have gone through difficult life challenges than anything else.

so essentially, have you had it tough? - yes of course you have
have you had it abnormally tough to the point I’d think ‘wow how incredibly unfortunate’?- no, not really

xx

Well I think you have plenty to be getting along with!

And it does not matter what other people have had to put up with, it is how you are coping/not coping that counts. I think you have had to 'sit' on all these issues and not had the counselling you needed if you want to go down that route.

Some problems you can deal with, others not.