GP said I have had a tough life. Have I?

[SaladExerciseRepeat]

This has been playing on my mind for a few months and so I have decided to post it here, as I can't really talk to anyone in real life.

2 professional have recently inferred that "I have had it tough". The first was a doctor who I visited for menopausal symptoms and anxiety. The second was a professional, in a healthcare kind of setting who was asking me about my medical history and lifestyle. They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10. They said that they thought my stress levels were quite high and I didn't recognise it, as it had been going on so long and I had just got used to it.

So, these comments came after I shared that:

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.
My dad immediately moved on and remarried and spent all his time with them and as a result I have literally had and have no support network as siblings moved overseas.
Had to have 6 years of IVF for children.
Had very difficult pregnancy and baby nearly died.

On a lesser note:

PIL hardly speak to me and offer zero support network. They openly dislike me, blame me for everything and cause a lot of problems.
DH is a very difficult person to live with and we have broken up and got back together twice.

I have never thought to myself that my life has been harder than anyone elses. I always thought you had the same amount of crap, just in different ways. I also think there are way worse things people have had to endure than the list above. I've never thought myself unlucky or anything, as I also have a lot of fabulous things in my life. My DH is a very difficult person to live with and one professional did tell me she though it was very stressful living with him, but he also has amazing qualities too.

The reason why I am posting this is because I am at a stage of my life where I feel I need to think about "me". My DC are older now, and I have more time. Thinking about it, I am always on a high alert and always at Defcon 2, never 5. I don't have time to sit and chill and find it really hard to relax and as a result I am seeing things manifest itself in me e.g. a few health scares. I am tired.

I am not actually sure why I posted this. I think I just wanted to air it and possibly find myself telling me, that I need to change some things and take time for me, because actually yes, it has been a bit shitty and give myself a break because I really am very hard on myself, as I only have me to rely on TBH.

I thought twice about posting this because I suspect it won’t be well received by some…. But I think it’s pertinent to the thread so…

If anyone has read the OP and subsequent posts and had the reaction to compare, mostly with effect of minimising although I’m sure the intention is to encourage resilience, may I gently suggest that any issues you have may have experienced may not be as resolved as you think they are. There’s a stark difference between commiseration and identifying with someone compared to a reaction that makes you devise an internal scale of ‘harm’ in response to one individuals experience.

There is always a situation that is sadder, harder, traumatic than your own but that shouldn’t be a comfort or measure of your own feelings or your perspective of the feelings of others. Each experience is unique to that person. No better, no worse. If you struggle to adjust your own perspective to understand someone’s reality then it suggests your still stuck very much in the effects of your own situation.

👏👏👏👏

Hi OP. You definitely have had a tough time and plenty of hard issues to deal with. I resonated with what you said about stress, though my life history had different problems, as it has been my default most of my life - anxiety, depression and more anxiety. All caused by family and relationship problems, and like you I lost a parent when too young. What it has in common with you I think is that the stress threshhold is high, so everything gets reacted to in a high anxiety or high stress way. Probably a bit like PTSD. One gets used to it, though it is uncomfortable, but the real downside is that it has bad physical effects and can make us ill eventually. So I want to echo what others have said about looking after yourself now, look into yourself if you wish, but treat yourself kindly and allow yourself to relax. If your DH is not facilitating this, consider whether continuing with the marriage is good enough for you.
Above all, remove any further sources of stress as much as you can. I have only recently begun to feel less anxious, and it is because the worst of my sources of stress have been left behind - people have died or estranged themselves, so less bad stuff to deal with. Wishing you ease.

I read your first example, and yes, that's tough. So sorry for your loss.

I know exactly what you mean, I had a complete breakdown whilst at uni and the counsellor told me she couldn’t deal with my level of trauma.

Now as a full adult I think I’m fine with my life and I don’t really recognise stress probably because I was constantly used to it. My dad was in and out of my life with many other women, mum had a mental breakdown for a while, I was SA for years as a child and never told anyone, my dad hit my mum then finally left, dad took all the money so I had no way to pay to get to college which resulted in my college tutors slipping me £20 notes just to be there.

I think the combination of all this trauma actually means I just can’t be traumatised anymore and now I do live a really boring yet happy life with children of my own. I think perhaps we are made of very strong stuff.

I lost my mum in my 30s and 20 years later I still don't think I've recovered. So to lose your mum in your teens is absolutely horrendous. I'm so sorry.

Re handling things very well…..

I have a chronic illness, one that was been shown to have one of the worst quality of life (worse than cancer or MS).
If you met me, you wouldn’t know. As my therapist told me, I’m excellent at putting up a front, smiling and making it look like everything is fine and easy. Even DH still hasn’t got the extend of the despair I have sometimes felt.
And I have been very good at lying to myself too Tbf.

So from the outside, it looks like I’ve handled things well. I look strong, optimistic, always looking at the positive side of things.
If you’d ask me 9~12 months ago, I would have said I’m coping well. I have moments when I find it hard but surely everyone has those moments right?

Well NO.
I wasn’t coping well. I was coping in a way that made me look like I was coping well. But it was at the detriment in my own health and myself, my quality of life. It was me being in fight or fly mode all the time to be able to cope. It was me looking at all the positives, not because I was optimistic but because it allowed me to forget all the things I had lost to the illness (rather than having accepted that I had lost so much and decided to enjoy the life I have now rather than the one I ‘should’ have had).

I will never ever trust in a blind way someone who is telling me they just got on with it and just feel fine. You don’t always know what’s behind the shadows, even with a loved one, sometimes even with yourself.

I think you have had a tough life. You have had more than your fair share of difficulties and just because you have had the resilience to navigate these difficulties doesn't mean that it was difficult.

You also appear to have managed with very little in terms of support from those who should be there to provide it.

I may be wrong but you come across as someone who just gets on with it because you had very little alternative options. A friend has a broadly similar experience to yours and when people tell her she's resilient she responds what choice did I have, I had children who needed me to continue. There wasn't time to focus on me. I did what I had to.

Has there ever been a time in your life where you made yourself the priority, looked after you and did as much as you need to be fulfilled and focused on your happiness, health and reducing your stress levels. I suspect your looking after you has always focused on continuing on, rather than slowing down and make sure you had everything you needed.

heartwarming response there.

yesh OP, just get on with it eh? 🙄

I couldn’t comment on it being a tough life or not, not sure what the marker is, but makes sense that you can’t recognise your stress levels as being high.

Its become your normal.

Hope you get to a better place soon.

OP you’ve had a series of difficult and stressful events, it’s highly likely you’re very used to stress and don’t recognise it.

Ive had a really hard life, lots of trauma. I thought I’d got past it without unpacking it but I hadn’t I was in a constant state of stress, anxiety and fight or flight syndrome, what happened was is that I totally burnt out and had a breakdown. I’m not in counselling and doing my best to try and make a less stressed better version of myself, some days I feel like a shell, others I feel a little better. Definitely have some therapy and unpack everything

Yes, you have had a tough life. It's weirdly disturbing when other people recognise that, isn't it? We've been so busy surviving we haven't taken a dispassionate view of it.

I started to understand what a hard time I'd had when my long, long journey through talking therapies began. Explaining to hard-bitten triage persons, and hearing them sob, gave me the first clue. Seeing therapists tear up, that was another.

Yeah I'd say it's hard. Sure some people have it harder(someone always will do) but I wouldn't say yours has been the norm.

• mum died young, abandonment by dad, fertility difficulty, difficult marriage, lack of support, difficult in laws.

Yeah that all ads up to quite a lot of trauma/ hurt/ stress.

I think the way you have dealt with the awful things that have happened in your life is very common, you have to just get on with things- what’s the alternative?. However you say you can neveR relax and you’re worried something will be the straw that breaks the camels back, which shows it is all catching up with you.
I was in a very similar situation and in my 50s before I went to the drs and was put on anti anxiety meds and also recommended counselling, so I found a good one and went. She told me that my mother leaving me and taking my baby sister when I was 4 was highly traumatic for me, had shaped my whole life, and made me always on “high alert” hence the anxiety. Id never ever considered what happened at 4 could be affecting me so much and it’s done me so much good to talk it all though with a counsellor. I’d highly recommend it to you!

You can love someone who is kind and generous and still abusive though. You can still Use the word.

I didn’t lose my parents as a child - so yes that is a lot and the abandonment issues.

I never ever used to think or allow myself to think that I was abused. I went to private school. Was allowed animals and my beloved dog. Went to university got degrees. But my counsellor enabled me to see that my father pounding me with his fists for breathing too loudly, not getting an A or just because he was in a foul mood was abusive. Anyone else can see it for me I always tried to justify it - he’s stressed, I annoyed him, I had my music on too loud counselling made me see the obvious. Then I opened my eyes . I thought my dad can’t be abusive he tells me he loves me, he gives me lovely wine, he loves my children - but he is.

anyone of those things on your list is a lot. But if abusers were abusive 24/7 no one who ever get together with them you want them to be nice and keep everything calm etc

Youve definitely had it tough @SaladExerciseRepeat

Not in the same league but I've had it tough the last 20 years. I feel just being acknowledged is important. Its when everything you go through is ignored or brushed under the carpet, by folk who should know better. That's what makes you ill.

Yes, I do think you have had a tough life. Losing your Mum as a teen then years of gruelling IVF without the other stuff would be a tough life in my book.

@WeLoveYouMissHanigan I did also post again to say the OP might want to think about therapy as she could have a lot of unresolved issues.

I know several people who lost a parent at a young age including my late father (he was 8.) My Mum's father died when she was 16, and she lost her mum and only brother within 2 years of each other (both relatively young)

My dad also had a very hard life- far more so than the OP.

So before you start berating me for being 'harsh' I'd say you are being judgy and don't know about other people circumstances.

I’ve had kind of a similar life and I’ve always thought of myself as lucky despite it all because I live in a safe country with a roof over my head, have access to clean hot water and I’m not being abused or controlled.

But having all of that doesn’t mean that you don’t have trauma and that you can’t think ‘Hold on a minute, that wasn’t fair and I have a right to be sad/bitter/angry about it’.

Have you had therapy for any of this?

When you say you don’t think you are that resilient op, be kinder to yourself. Resilience isn’t just breezing through hard things the way people seem to think, it’s finding things hard and getting up and facing it again every day. And you do seem to have that. But I hope you can take some time for peace and relaxing now you’ve got this far 😊

I think you did have a tough past, first one is enough for someone to feel negative. So I think it's great you are positive thinking. But if you can't even relax and chill, I think it's time to start putting yourself first .

the fact you're still alive after all of this shows you're resilient. if this isn't resilience i don't know what is. cut yourself some slack op, you did/do have a hard life.

What kind of "high expectations" does ur DH have OP? And how does he react if they are not met?

It wasn’t minimising it at all. OP seems to want people to say yes oh my gosh you’ve had a horrible and extremely rough life. I was simply saying that many people will think compared to their own life it’s not that hard. Others who’ve had lovely lives will think it’s horrific. Nobody else can say it’s a hard life. And of course if you see only a list of all the negatives it will look like a tough life, but there’s no point trying to prove you’ve had it harder than anyone else.

But OP is not trying to prove her life is harder than anyone elses.
It is reasonable to acknowledge she has had a lot to deal with.