GP said I have had a tough life. Have I?

[SaladExerciseRepeat]

This has been playing on my mind for a few months and so I have decided to post it here, as I can't really talk to anyone in real life.

2 professional have recently inferred that "I have had it tough". The first was a doctor who I visited for menopausal symptoms and anxiety. The second was a professional, in a healthcare kind of setting who was asking me about my medical history and lifestyle. They were asking me a lot of questions about my life to get my stress level out of 10. They said that they thought my stress levels were quite high and I didn't recognise it, as it had been going on so long and I had just got used to it.

So, these comments came after I shared that:

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.
My dad immediately moved on and remarried and spent all his time with them and as a result I have literally had and have no support network as siblings moved overseas.
Had to have 6 years of IVF for children.
Had very difficult pregnancy and baby nearly died.

On a lesser note:

PIL hardly speak to me and offer zero support network. They openly dislike me, blame me for everything and cause a lot of problems.
DH is a very difficult person to live with and we have broken up and got back together twice.

I have never thought to myself that my life has been harder than anyone elses. I always thought you had the same amount of crap, just in different ways. I also think there are way worse things people have had to endure than the list above. I've never thought myself unlucky or anything, as I also have a lot of fabulous things in my life. My DH is a very difficult person to live with and one professional did tell me she though it was very stressful living with him, but he also has amazing qualities too.

The reason why I am posting this is because I am at a stage of my life where I feel I need to think about "me". My DC are older now, and I have more time. Thinking about it, I am always on a high alert and always at Defcon 2, never 5. I don't have time to sit and chill and find it really hard to relax and as a result I am seeing things manifest itself in me e.g. a few health scares. I am tired.

I am not actually sure why I posted this. I think I just wanted to air it and possibly find myself telling me, that I need to change some things and take time for me, because actually yes, it has been a bit shitty and give myself a break because I really am very hard on myself, as I only have me to rely on TBH.

Not sure if you meant it to, but this post veers quite close to minimising what OP has been through.

I think you've had a very difficult time of it, yes. I had a traumatic birth and my baby nearly died. I ended up with ptsd. That's without everything else you've been through.

Might be way off base but here's the NHS page for ptsd. I wonder if it might be relevant to you.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms/

I agree with others- depends how you are affected.
On paper I have had a much tougher life than you OP, but I don't feel I have had a particularly hard life- I certainly am not broken- quite the opposite in fact.

OP I lost a parent in my teens, it's taken a lot of therapy - 30 years later - to realise the full impact that has had on my life. Never mind everything else you have been through. Definitely take some time to consider how you can prioritise yourself - for your own benefit, and that of your DC. You really have had it tough, and without a supportive partner it's all the harder.

In terms of losing your mother, I really recommend good, specialist therapy, not CBT it's utter shit for deep rooted childhood trauma. I found this information really helpful, and a total eye opener, as part of my therapy: https://www.winstonswish.org/adults-bereaved-as-children/

Your life does sound tough and I do think it is now time to take a step back and put yourself first. I'm in a very similar boat to you, though my shit was recent and closely lumped together:

• Lost FIL in 2007 followed by MIL in 2011
• Husband started drinking heavily following his mum's death, descending into full blown alcoholism
• Dad diagnosed with Parkinson's and developed dementia
• Mum also turned to alcohol to deal with the above, got worse after dad died in 2016
• Husband's alcoholism got so bad it ended our marriage - not before he threatened to kill me and was removed by police
• Husband died in 2018, days before decree nisi pronounced.
• Mum died in 2019 from a fall down the stairs while drunk
• DDs disclosed emotional abuse from husband
• DD2's health deteriorated and is now in a wheelchair

I'm not saying this for a sympathy vote, I'm saying that as all this was happening, it was just my 'normal' and I just dealt. I'm only now starting to realise how it's affected me and that I have some recovering of my own to do. My GP looked horrified when I gave him the list recently.

So please don't feel bad about focusing on yourself. You will benefit, and so will everyone around you.

You definitely need to start thinking about yourself first and start to do things with your life that you want to do.
I’ve been through that stage in life myself and it’s difficult at first but the more you do it the easier it will get.
You come across as a nice person, so start being nice to yourself.

In my head I just put all of this stuff in separate boxes and very rarely think about them

I’ve done that. It’s like a box in the format of a Russian doll. Then that box is taken to the warehouse like the one at the end of Indians Jones and Raiders of the Lost Arc, like a massive Amazon warehouse.

I haven't read the full thread,only your posts. Basically I think that awareness of the effects of trauma has increased, and this is a very good thing, also what can be done to help people recover and process things has improved too.

Basically in terms of statistics, I think more than 50 percent of people will have had stressors of a similar level or worse - but that isn't the point, the point is, you have had stressors and difficult things to deal with, and it is really good that it is being recognised and factored in. Some people deal with things, some people shelve them and get on with life (that sounds like you and used to be me) some people don't cope (that doesn't sound like you). I do think that the adage it is not so much what happens to you but how you deal with it is true - life gets easier once you have dealt with things, and future problems are easier to deal with too.

If you are on red alert and it is affecting health etc, it does sound like that you would benefit from revisiting a few things to process them, to bring more calm into your life and as you say, it might change the way you deal with your DH or PIL, and it might also mean you bring new friends into your life who are your kinda people who would make you happy, and it would be good for your DC as you say, as you can teach them the same processing strategies etc.

I have recently come to terms with a couple of things and it feels like a load off - I wasn't even aware that they were still there in the background for me until something triggered them, and I then processed it. I recommend!

I think when things are shit and one after the other in our lives we lump them all together and think that it’s normal when it isn’t.

I went to therapy for something and before I started I had a 15 minute session with my chosen therapist (he was private) to ensure he was the correct one for me. He told me he thought my issue would be resolved in six sessions. This was two years ago and I’m still with him now. It wasn’t until someone pointed out to me that I have had repeated traumas in my life I sat back and realised that he was correct. Some people have it tough, some people have it easy. Whatever we are used to experiencing we think is normal, but this is the norm for us.

Sorry, two "basically"s I didn't read through before posting!

Yes you've had it tough. Your life sounds a little like mine (the good parent dead, the living parent is a twat, no family support, unsupportive partner) and people wouldn't see me as someone who has had a hard life, because I don't tend to talk about it. I sometimes wonder how I've survived and then I remember that when my Mum died (i was a teen), thinking I was glad I'd had her long enough to learn from her and become the person I am. I'm in awe of teenage me's understanding of the importance of gratitude in dark times and I wonder if that's what saved me. I still feel sorry for myself sometimes but am also resilient. I also have little patience when people are moaning about the in-laws only having little Jonny for one day a week, when their cousin Sara was taken on a two week holiday by Granny.

My dad died when I was very young too and I think I've since read somewhere nothing in life will have a bigger and longer lasting impact in MH than losing a parent when you're very young.
So, yes, you've had a crap life growing up, the thing is you were in it, so you didn't grasp the magnitude of what you where going through.
There's nothing wrong with you putting yourself first.

Bless you, OP, losing a parent in your teens is devastating never mind everything that happened after

a psychotherapist said similar to me years ago and I was haunted by that. I called it a dramatic life and he corrected me to traumatic. I have to say it didn’t help.

I think it definitely sounds like you've been through some very tough and traumatic times, yes. Losing a parent as a teenager is devastating, having no support network around you makes it a lot worse, and going through all the stress and heartache of infertility and six rounds of IVF would put anyone through the wringer.

I think it's easy for people to say 'Oh, just focus on the positive - at least you had a baby eventually' or 'Well, some people have it worse than you - some people lose BOTH their parents' or other tedious whataboutery, but I don't actually think that's helpful. For me, it's important to balance out the good and things and the bad things and acknowledge them both and accept that they've both affected you one way or another.

I am someone who is not particularly in touch with emotional stuff and I have zero time for wallowing in misery about past experiences ... but I have come to realise that I do still need to acknowledge them and admit that they might have had an effect. I was exactly like you in that I was being asked about my life in a healthcare context and the person interviewing me said 'That is A LOT to go through. Oh, and also I think you've probably been with living with undiagnosed clinical depression since early childhood as well, so frankly it's amazing that you've got this far.' And I was genuinely really surprised. I guess maybe you and I are people who try and deal with stuff by minimising it/dismissing it/compartmentalising it - and there are some benefits to that, in fact. But it's probably not sustainable.

Op, you’ve had it tough as those people said and now’s they time to put yourself first and sort out better days for yourself. And no matter how amazing a partners qualities can be it doesn’t make up at all for his difficult side.

good luck to you 💐

Oh, and also you sound lovely, so I really hope you can find some ways to take time for yourself, look after yourself and have a proper breather at last.

This is what I came to say but @Cornettoninja has articulated it far more clearly than I would.

FatagainItslettusTime
I know exactly what you mean. My mother attempted suicide twice when I was about 12: I found her both times.
My father was what you would call a hired fist extremely violent man. He went to prison. At one time he pointed a gun at me.
At 14 my mother had another baby and when he was a month old my mother was in a secure mental institution.
Nothing much fazes me, now, except if it’s my family. Even then I’ll deal with it.

I think you have had some difficult experiences to deal with.

I tend to put life's difficulties into those you can control and those that you can't.

You couldn't control when you mum died. (So sorry about that.)

You can't 'choose' your inlaws or who your father married.

You could choose / did choose, the IVF route.

You have chosen to remain with a husband who you feel is not always a man you want to be with.

A lot of people have to deal with tragedy. It's how you react to it that counts.

The things that you couldn't control- let them go. They are decades ago and I assume you are now in your 50s or older.

What's important is you make the best of your life now.

Are you working?

If so make sure you love it. If not, find something else is my advice.

You have children and grandchildren. Some women don't have those. So put your energy into what makes you happy and spend less time doing things that you don't want to do.

I think you have had a tough life. I'm very sorry that you lost your mum so young and that your Dad didn't care for you properly. You deserved for that to happen and he has let you down. I know a few people close to me who had similar early years and they have grown up to seem very 'hardy', tough, characters who seem to be able to take a lot as they had to look after themselves from a very early age (no one else did). But deep down, they are insecure, running on their nerves, have lots of anxiety and poor health. I think your need to be cared for and looked after, is still there and needs to be met, however that happens. You deserve to be looked after and cared for. Now is a good time to start really addressing what has happened to you in your early years and what your needs are. Best of luck to you and sending hugs.

Hmmn. I've noticed that NHS doctors and health professionals are a bit prone to making these judgmental comments, and I wondered if they are class-based. Compared to the average aristo, with inter-generational drug addictions, multiple re-marriages and not so well blended families, general inability to hold down a job, etc it seems quite mild. My ex is quite posh and had a similar background to you but worse and I can't imagine any doctor inferring he had had a tough life, although he lives on a shoestring trust fund.

Not to minimise at all OP, but I'm very wary of the propensity to label and its not necessarily to your benefit, particularly a label of depression. I recently ordered my medical notes and was surprised to find the following:

• a consultant surgeon had given his opinion on my case without meeting me, or clearly even reading over my notes. He wrote "I wonder what her BMI is. Perhaps some improvements could be made non-surgically if the patient reduces her weight". I weigh 52-53kg, am quite slight, and have osteoarthritis in my knees as a result of competing as an athlete for 25 years!
• Following a fall where I slipped on ice, dislocated my finger, tore off my fingernail and hurt my back, I attended at my local A&E in pain and sobbing. My notes read "patient hysterical".
• When I suffered facial scarring following a sporting accident and was advised by A&E and my GP to go for a consultation for scar revision, the consultant tried to insinuate that I was "suffering from anxiety over an inability to accept my changed appearance" (it wasn't even that bad) and suggested I should go for psychological counselling instead. I later had scar revision successfully carried out after seeking a second opinion.
• At a recent smear test aged 47, the nurse struggled to carry it out and suggested it was because "ladies your age tend to shrivel up down there". It was because I have a tilt and needed a different instrument used.

Apparently, you can't sue the NHS for defamation, which is a pity, because there really are a lot of medical people out there who are unhelpfully, and pointlessly, rude and almost a culture of making sweeping unhelpful statements.

ps I lost 2 parents, separately, when young

I know I am repeating what others have said, but I got to this sentence

My mother died suddenly when I was a teen.

And from that alone I can say yes, you've had a hard time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you haven't already OP, it is worth thinking about therapy.

Losing a parent young can have long term consequences.
We are model our parents, or reject their behaviours.
If a parent dies young, it can make a younger child feel adrift as they have no role model during puberty, for example, when they are finding out who they are.

I'm worried you have married a man who is 'damaged ' in some way by his own unpleasant parents, and you have stuck with him like glue as you lack confidence to live alone.

Be really honest with yourself and ask if ruminating about the past is in a way preventing you taking control of the present and the future.

To split up twice and get back together suggests you are compromising and aren't really happy. His money and shared hobbies are not a reason to be with him if he is 'difficult '- which reads a bit like abuse or maybe him having his own issues he needs help with.

You have had difficulties in life and major things to contend with. Even any one of the things on the list is traumatic in itself. That doesn’t mean to say you are living in hardship now if you don’t feel it.
My DH lost his mum aged 6 (postnatal death), lost his dad at 24 (short illness), lost his brother who he was very close to at 18 (motorcycle accident) and lost his sister about 10 years ago (sudden heart attack) . He was also very close to her and they would speak to each other almost every day. His step mother was a wicked lady who abused him and his siblings.

For some reason, he’s never felt as though he’s had a difficult upbringing. He’s grateful for all the good in his life now says everything worked out for him. He’s got a very positive outlook on life and is happy overall. He does miss them terribly and can get quite upset if he thinks about them too much. But overall, when he speaks about his family he speaks about the love, care and affection and bond between them rather than reflecting on the loss of them.

What I mean to say is, I guess each person handles life differently and traumatic experiences don’t have to result in feeling like life has done you hard.

Having said that, if you let children are grown up and you have had issues with your DH then it’s definitely time to put yourself first and indulge in life a bit.

@AchatAVendre I agree some of this is clearly class-based. But having a parent die young and then not having the other parent interested are stressful experiences. Interestingly in both my and my DPs family, these experiences happened in our grandparent's time. I think it would have been a much more common experience at one time, but with improved life expectancies a parent dying when we are still a teenager is thankfully rarer.