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Original poster

Growing up in a dirty messy house

295 replies

Changedagain876 · 17/05/2022 01:19

I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 17/05/2022 01:34

I’m just the same OP! Grew up in neglect (not saying you did, just my experience) and outside of going into care and everything one of my worst and most enduring memories was always having a messy dirty home and never having everything I needed like nice clean clothes and hair, school supplies. I think as a reaction to that I’ve swung the other way and always prioritise a nice tidy and clean home, always ensure my kids have everything they need. I’m always the mum at football or karate or ballet who has extra plasters, ballet slippers, hair ties, baby wipes etc! It gives me a lot of pleasure to see that my kids are never without anything they need. Of course they don’t even notice. Sometimes I look at dd10 especially (she has a very similar personality to me as a young child) and think ‘how could my parents be so uncaring when they looked and saw me as I see her?’

It’s very hard as an adult to look at your parents’ failings, especially when you have your own kids and think ‘how could my parents do xyz, be so selfish, not prioritise me when I do that for my kids.’ However, I think for yourself you need to try to let it go. You can’t know why others do what they do. I think some people don’t even know themselves why they do certain things. For me I try to turn it round to sympathy and think ‘how could my parents miss out on all the joy I have had of providing my kids a wonderful environment to grow in, how totally sad for them.’

headstone · 17/05/2022 02:04

It seems gar your parents has too much on their plate to deal with, 3 kids , full time work and a doer upper.

Original poster
Changedagain876 · 17/05/2022 02:16

@Kanaloa thank you that is a really helpful perspective.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 17/05/2022 02:24

@Changedagain876 are you're parents still alive to talk to them about this? even if it's excuses it may shine light of the socio-political reasons behind this.
were they ever able to do the reno's? what became of them and the house.
btw i think your behavior makes total sense given the hx. likewise many people i met who grew up during the war grew up to be serious hoarders as a result of uncertainty and not having anything/loosing it all.

Ottersmith · 17/05/2022 02:25

I grew up in a shithole. I think it's a combination of being overworked, overstressed, and I think some people are just blind to it. We are now realising that our Mum is on the spectrum and she doesn't see mess in the same way. The house is clean and mainly decorated now now but she has always done weird things like get a nice shiny lamp but put it next to peeling wallpaper and a grotty sideboard. The spare room still has the carpet and walls from the seventies. It has come back in fashion I think!

I'm just going to have a nice house like all my siblings do and that's the best you can do as well as having compassion for how it might have happened. Although one of my siblings does their house up nice, they still pile loads of building materials in the hallway and seem blind to it so they've inherited the blindness.

AWOIF · 17/05/2022 02:27

Maybe they couldn't manage working full time and constantly cleaning up after 3 children. Maybe they couldn't afford to do up the house. Why do these things bother you all these years later?

Original poster
Changedagain876 · 17/05/2022 03:13

To clarify the house wasn't a doer upper. It was Just a normal house they decided to redecorate.

Really appreciate the helpful comments.

OP posts:
veronicagoldberg · 17/05/2022 05:56

AWOIF · 17/05/2022 02:27

Maybe they couldn't manage working full time and constantly cleaning up after 3 children. Maybe they couldn't afford to do up the house. Why do these things bother you all these years later?

😑

Josette77 · 17/05/2022 06:05

AWOIF · 17/05/2022 02:27

Maybe they couldn't manage working full time and constantly cleaning up after 3 children. Maybe they couldn't afford to do up the house. Why do these things bother you all these years later?

Growing up on extreme mess and dirt is a trauma.

bea179 · 17/05/2022 06:28

My mums house was like this too. As a parent myself, my mum sill say things like "oh leave the dishes they will still be there later! The kids won't remember having a clean home when they're older" and "when you die no one is going to remember you for having a clean home". She of course doesn't realise how bad her house is, but it's also just not a priority for her.
Over the last 8 years, since I moved out, the house has got increasingly worse. She lives with my 24 year old brother who is exactly the same as her.
I live in a different city and I don't travel down because there is absolutely no way my children are going in her house. Especially while they're still young enough that one of them will pick stuff up off the floor and eat it.
My sister has an 8 year old with suspected ASD and she now only goes round if she absolutely has to. My niece is very literal and will ask why the house is so dirty.
My mum does have mental health problems so I know that's the cause. But it is still difficult to deal with.
No advice. Just solidarity. It's tough growing up in a house where you're too embarrassed to have friends round

52andblue · 17/05/2022 06:54

Placemarking

Eatingsoupwithafork · 17/05/2022 06:55

My childhood sounds very similar to Kanaloa - in and out of foster care (only time I was clean) and I had a horrible time at school as I was the “dirty, poor” one.

My house is by no means a show home now but it is clean and comfortable and my DD has clean underwear and clothes everyday.

It does have a long, lasting impact not necessarily the dirty house on it’s own but the shame of people not being able to come over and the memories associated with that dirty house (and granted for me neglect). For example being bullied means I’ve always questioned my self worth and had imposter syndrome as I’ve climbed the professional ladder. It also took me a long time to decide to have a child as I used to worry it may be in my DNA and I would do the same to them. On the positive though I think it’s given me real empathy about other peoples situations and I try to help the local community as much as possible.

The mental health impact however, is real, has been significant and has never went away.

Random789 · 17/05/2022 06:58

My house was like this too when I was growing up, and I fully understand it still 'bothering you all these years later' as one poster put it. It bothers me too. It shapes how you see yourself,. From childhood onwards all of your self-defining experiences are built on the foundation of feeling different, not normal, of contrasting the chaos in your own home with the relative order elsewhere.

In my case, general messiness and chaos was supplemente by my dad's erratic and very angry DIY projects and by his obsession with wheeler-dealing old cars and trying to make them work. Always, ALWAYS when we attended some event of the extended family our arrival there would be preceded by car failures, bad-temper, screaming matches, etc so that I felt ashamed and freakish in front of my cousins.
Now I view the whole world as I did my cousins -- as the 'normals' from whom i have to hide my inferior chaotic reality. I feel really anxious about anyone coming to the house as it seems to me that the home is a huge enlargement of myself, so that I have to extend my habitual self-disguise to a whole house. I keep the house veryclean and tidy but I am rubbish at home improvements so we have very old decor in most rooms and that makes me feel embarrassed and a failure.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/05/2022 07:08

AWOIF · 17/05/2022 02:27

Maybe they couldn't manage working full time and constantly cleaning up after 3 children. Maybe they couldn't afford to do up the house. Why do these things bother you all these years later?

No, that's just pure laziness, sorry. Even if you can't afford to do up a house, you CAN clean it. I'm a single working parent and I manage to keep my house clean and tidy, no excuses why 2 adults can't keep the house tidy. Takes half an hour to run the hoover round.

Original poster
Changedagain876 · 17/05/2022 07:14

again really appreciating people sharing their experiences, many of your comments have really resonated - thank you

OP posts:
SandysMam · 17/05/2022 07:15

I do wonder though if the normal houses of today are the dirty houses of the old days? We live in a very normal house, clean and tidy but normal. I worry my DC feel the same way about this as they are always comparing to friends insta worthy houses! The pressure is immense 😟

squirrelnutkins1 · 17/05/2022 07:18

I grew up in a super cluttered and grubby house. It's still the same today. I left over a decade ago and keep my home super minimalist and as clean as I can.
It definitely does shape your feelings and attitudes on things as you get older.
Same as other pp, I can't stand the thought of my child growing up the same way.

Thebeastofsleep · 17/05/2022 07:19

I grew up on a building site however our home was clean and tidy. Similarly, we're living in a removable project currently but again, with the exception of our bedroom it's clean and tidy.

I don't think having a doer-upper is an excuse for a dirty messy house.

AledsiPad · 17/05/2022 07:20

I had a friend who lived like this, OP, and her kids hate(d) it so much. I tried really hard not to be judgy, but you literally have to walk over/through piles of shit just to get into the house! She never even worked! Shock

I grew up with the exact opposite: a DM who is/was obsessed with cleaning and tidiness. We lived in a show home and I was hardly ever allowed friends over in case we made a mess. Neither extreme is healthy or happy! Even now DM gets twitchy when my DC are at her, completely non child-friendly, home and it makes it completely impossible to relax there properly. We don’t disrespect her house/stuff etc, but sometimes children spill drinks a tiny bit or touch something and leave a finger mark. Because they’re kids…

We try hard to have a clean, tidy, presentable house; but not so much that people feel uncomfortable in it!

BrutusMcDogface · 17/05/2022 07:23

💐

moita · 17/05/2022 07:27

Yes my mum and dad were similar. My dad's a horder and my mum just gave up. The garden was such a mess growing up I was so embarrassed. There was always cat shit in the litter tray and it always stank out the kitchen.

I'm not Mrs Hinch by any means but I do sudder at those memories.

They're normal middle class people who are a lot better off than most people.

My mum was funny about lots of things though. My dad would suggest a cleaner and she would refuse (both worked and they could have afforded it). She's a real matyr

Skelligsfeathers · 17/05/2022 07:27

The way I have come to terms with things that happened is to think that they did the best they could with the resources available to them- be those financial, emotional etc.
I am now doing the best i can but i am sure my kids will have something negative they will think of when they are older.

There is nothing you can do to change what happened so....you have to just move on.
Easier said than done I know.

AllyCatTown · 17/05/2022 07:31

you literally have to walk over/through piles of shit

🤢

Cedarfire · 17/05/2022 07:34

I can see why it would stay with you. For what it’s worth it has no bearing on your worth as a child or now. It was their issue not yours.
My childhood home was shabby but clean and comfortable, and I know my single Mum did her best for us.
I think times were different then too, homes ans lives were more private then. With social media we see into peoples lives and their homes like never before. A lot of the tidy homes we see on insta have a pile of clutter just out of shot.
Im not trying to take anything away from how you feel about growing up in a dirty messy house, no child deserves that but I can see how parents might have thought that it wasn’t a big deal.

daffodilandtulip · 17/05/2022 07:34

I had the opposite and it's just as damaging. I was only allowed to play in the section behind the sofa - toys would be smashed if they strayed. Bedroom had to be immaculate at all times - nothing ever out. She hoovered a few times a day and dusted everyday - so no outings until that was all done. Breakfast wasn't allowed if you woke after 8:30, as the kitchen was cleaned. Similar for bathroom. She'd watch you washing your hands in case you splashed.
I like things clean and tidy but I've always been conscious to allow my kids to play. (Even if the teenage bedrooms are killing me now!)