Growing up in a dirty messy house

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I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

I have a friend like this, I have known her for 25 plus years. I have had to stop going to her house because it stresses me out.

She and her husband are very intelligent (both have phds in maths/computing).
She has habits that contribute to the mess eg bulk buying/washing clothes and towels after one use/she’s a very good cook and prepares complex meals and has masses and Masses of cooking equipment.

her husband is just untidy and a strewer. But she told me when she looks at the mess, she can’t work out where to start. She’s not at all lazy.

i grew up in a very untidy house, I have trained myself now to have a tidyish house and I can sort it out quite quickly to perfect if I need to but it is always an effort, not something I do naturally.

I think you may be reading the wrong post? The one you quoted said he suggested a cleaner in general, nothing about who it would be for. I actually read it as she forbid the cleaner being in the house, as it would impinge in her area. Take care.

This was my mum growing up. Her ocd was out of control and her punishments were ridiculously harsh, it was always ‘you’re grounded for a month’ for any misdemeanours, with the occasional beating, she’d follow the punishments through as well. Things that got me a months grounding included
taking my shoes off by the front door but putting them next to each other the wrong way (the right shoe was on the left side and vice versa if that makes sense)
Putting a coat hanger in my wardrobe with the hook facing outwards instead of in.
Moving the net curtains so the ruffles weren’t evenly spaced.
Kicking the tassels on the living room rug so that they weren’t perfectly straight.
Putting a book back on the shelf so that the spine was facing in instead of out.
I ended up putting myself in care when I was 12 after my pen exploded in my school bag. I tried to clean it up in the bathroom sink but managed to get a tiny spot of ink on the wall which I couldn’t get off. My mum was drunk when she spotted it late that night, she dragged me out of bed and down the stairs by my hair calling me a stupid bitch and started slamming my face against the wall where the ink was. I stayed in care and never went home again

Have a read around executive dysfunction.

If you had grown up in a shit hole you would know.

Never bringing friends home, having to wash mold out of a pan before you can use it, knowing you school uniform stinks even though you have washed it.

Having a presentation at VI form from the NSPCC showing you the conditions a child was found in, and having another student 'joke' that it is your house.

And no it wasn't due to money, we had a cleaner and my mum didn't work. We had 2-3 holidays a year. My dad did work his arse off so I'll give him a pass.

And as a teenager I couldn't keep a 5 bed home clean, and I should not have needed to.

I grew up in a dirty, messy home but I didn't experience it like this. Actually I was pretty oblivious to the mess - my sister and I used to think my mum was a neat freak/loved cleaning because she was always going on about it. I can see looking back that she (a single mum with CFS) was probably struggling and she never managed to get into a good routine or get us to help out other than washing up occasionally.

Some more blunt friends when I was a teenager pointed out that it was dirty, but I didn't really believe them! The level was clutter everywhere, dust everywhere, grime in the tiny kitchen-diner, animals living in the kitchen (in hutches, but let out to run) and every pot/pan/plate left on the side until somebody did washing up about once every 2-3 days. I used to hate washing up because I thought it was always an absolute ordeal with dried on stuff and the water going greasy after a couple of things. But essentially, I just thought this kind of thing was normal. It was only really when I was 21/22 and living on my own with DS1 and on the borderline of social services getting involved because my health visitor was worried about the state of my house, that I started to see that it wasn't OK. Unfortunately my HV was really shit at communicating so I had no idea what she actually expected of me, and I would try to clean up but not concentrate on the right areas. It was actually quite helpful to have a meeting with a social worker because he clearly didn't have time to be worried by me so he asked if it would be helpful to have the checklist of what they look for, and I said yes.

Grew up in a filthy house and was neglected - I would never do that to anyone. But several people in my family are happy to live in squalor. I dont understand it, and yes, it is sad for the children in those homes.

I grew up in a dirty messy house - Dad an alcoholic and chain smoker and Mum spent most live in and out psychiatric care.
My sister and I both neglected. Not enough bed clothes. Not enough clothes to wear in winter. I love clothes now ( probably too much!).
I always have good bedding, good quality sheets.
I like a tidy and neat home. My husband is lovely but not as tidy as I am - it drives me mad! I try to keep a lid on it - I don’t think he quite gets the trauma of it.
Good topic - glad I am not alone.

I would not want to live in a filthy home growing up but there's definitely a balance. My mum was houseproud and spent time cleaning rather than with me. That hurts.

An interesting and thought-provoking thread. It's quite a contrast to all those memes about leaving the mess and playing with your kids instead.

I wonder how many of us are reading and wondering if we are traumatising our own children with our domestic failings, maybe stuff we don't even see ourselves any longer. I know there are a lot of different levels but the whole subject is so angst- and guilt-ridden for a lot of women.

There are some heartbreaking stories here. I think the only thing to take from these experiences is, as some PPs have said, to ensure that your own children do not suffer in the same way and the cycle is broken.

Our house was a mess growing up. We didn’t always have what we needed for activities and school and so on. Two professional parents but one an alcoholic and the other desperately trying to do everything. As someone upthread said, I also overcompensate with my own DC. We were never allowed little bits and bobs at the supermarket like magazines and so if my DC ask, I tend to say yes.

They ALWAYS have everything they need for school/gym kit/the correct books etc. I am absolutely fastidious about that as I can still remember the feeling of not having what I needed, despite it existing in our house, because no one had thought to make sure I had it (easier as I got older but not as a 5-6 year old). I once got bollocked at school for not having clean shoes. They were red, I was in the top infants as it was then and there was some kind of cleanest shoes competition between the different table groups. My shoes were old, scuffed and such a state. So I got told off by the teacher and my friends on the table had a go at me as we didn’t win. There was shoe polish etc. at home but no one used it! My kids never go to school looking a mess as a consequence. But these things do stay with you - it’s almost 40 years since!

It's quite a contrast to all those memes about leaving the mess and playing with your kids instead.

The thing is, in my case at least, my parents weren't leaving the mess in order to play with us. We received what I would assess as an average amount of attention from our parents growing up and, obviously, their mess/hoarding continued (and continues to this day) way beyond a stage where we were of an age to be 'played with'.

My dad was a 'workaholic' and took work home with him (in those pre-computer days this was piles and piles of paperwork). My mum had a mania for joining things - she was a school governor, she was on a local community group, she helped at a Youth Club she was in St John's Ambulance and other projects/groups of varying durations. She was out most evenings doing something or other. Interestingly, my parents never socialised together. Work/community activities was where their time went.

Now they are old and in poor health they spend most of their time sitting round in their messy house or garden reading the papers, listening to Radio 4 or watching the TV in the evenings.

I have a question for you OP. What was your bedroom like? Was it clean and tidy? Did you keep all your own stuff in order? Or was it a tip like the rest of the house? If you and your siblings were messy, do you think maybe you had too high expectations on your mother to keep after all of you and keep the place tidy and work a full time job? After all she is only human.

Thank you all so much. I really do love MN. Some points made I’d never thought about before. The routines thing - I’ve never had basic life skills. Like going to uni - couldn’t cook or clean and didn’t know how to wash clothes. It’s actually a bit of a relief to know some of these things have an explanation. It’s not just that I’m crap.

Yes. I worry about this. DS1 already says things like "Well the kitchen is clean for us" and is into the habit that we all madly clean when people are invited over. It's not healthy. I would like to have a house that is not necessarily perfect, but not embarrassing, all the time. It's much better than when he was tiny, but it's not as I would like it to be yet.

This thread, phew. Yeah, it is something I am really really aware of.

I remember we stuffed old sheets into the holes of the mattresses that became gaping craters.

When we couldn't afford loo roll, we had to use old newspapers.

Bare floors, we werent given a routine to wash or clean our teeth. We would fall asleep in the clothes we were wearing and get up and go straight out without washing.

I was therefore very unprepared for the real world.

I remember as I got into my teens becoming embarassed - I recall my mum having to go into my school and dying of shame because she smelled.

Now as an adult I can see my mum was really depressed in an abusive relationship.

Its something I am now hyper aware of as a parent and i feel a cringe of shame when DD ends up with food on her face when we are out.

I have ADHD as well, so building routines is really hard, as is breaking the habit of things like just dump stuff when I've finished with it.

Could have wrote what you said word for word. That’s how I grew up, kids at school talked about us, teased us etc.

I grew up a bit like this OP, it’s actually quite traumatic. House was always half decorated, bare floor boards and cardboard boxes used as furniture. I could never let any friends in for the sheer embarrassment. My Dad was a drinker and my Mum always worked. I couldn’t wait to move out as soon as I could, unfortunately has sent me the complete opposite and made me obsessed with my house! With 3 children I’ve eventually realised I can’t live in a showhome🤣🤣

We lived in various do-upper houses, but my mother always managed to keep things clean, even when working full time. I wouldn't have friends in the house (made excuses) when things were on a state of disrepair - torn carpets, no wallpaper or floorboards. I remember I had to have a friend over and hiding a hole in the plaster in my bedroom by putting a soft toy in front of it.

I still don't know what happened financially as the do-upper houses got smaller and eventually they lost one entirely to the bank and had to rent for a while, then bought another.

But my mother's cleaning was extreme. She was obsessed with laundry, and would iron everything and look for the tiniest flaws. She was always bleaching something. After making breakfast or a sandwich and having wiped the work surface, she'd come up in a panic wiping her hands across the surfaces to check it had been done properly.

I'm no contact with her now. 12 years and counting. Not for the above but other reasons.

My question for you would be - how do you think children learn to keep things clean and tidy? If this has never been modelled for them, how can they possibly pick up this skill/habit until they are old enough to make a conscious decision to try to learn it? Learning it is much more difficult in later life - it's like, if you hear a language spoken from birth you will pick it up; the later in life you try to learn a new language, the harder it is.

Growing up, our house was very untidy and quite dirty. When I go home to visit my parents now it is the same.

It's only in the last few years that it's become clear that my mother was clearly struggling with depression and overwhelm for much of my childhood and my father was exhausted after long days at a fairly manual job. It's also been a recent revelation that despite him nagging her about her 'hoard' of stuff, he has more hoarding tendencies as well as having ASD tendencies. They didn't have the time or the inclination, and on one side at least there was no idea of how to put in place routines to ' keep house' as my mum's mum died when she was a baby and she was raised (also pretty much in squalor) by a borderline alcoholic father.

As a result I'm very prickly about the house being at least presentable and my child being able to have their friends over to play. As a child I was not allowed friends round to play and I always felt quite 'lacking' because of that. I also felt some resentment towards my parents, that they couldn't be bothered (i now know and respect that effort wasn't the only factor) to tidy up enough for me to have friends over.

I had a contented enough childhood overall but for a long time I didn't understand the effect of growing up in that kind of passive not-quite-neglect.

My understanding of how to keep clean and tidy myself was quite limited and I was often made fun of for having greasy hair and dirty nails - these things were never really explained or modelled to me as a child.

This is upsetting. I love my kids, but I am autistic and have huge executive functioning problems. Plus my ex left the house in a half done DIY state when he left. Things that I can't do myself, and can't afford to pay for as I'm on benefits caring for one of my adult sons who is also autistic. Big stuff like bathroom and kitchen, heating, the garden is also a jungle)

My mum was hoarder and it was awful trying to clean her place out. So I'm trying to get better, but a lot of the time I sit here overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and don't know where to start so don't.

I won't have people round because I'm ashamed at the state of my house. I've been with my partner for 2 years and he's never been in.

My kids are older teens/adult so I try and get them to help and we are slowly making progress, but very slowly.

Now I worry they will hate me when they leave home.

I hate being like this so much.

I grew up in the 70’s/80’s and thought my parents house was a mess, looking back now I’m not sure it was? It was clean enough and I do remember my Mom cleaning yet I was embarrassed to take my friends home because it seemed messy to me. They are in their 80’s now and their house (same home) is bad in places, on my last visit I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen and threw out loads of old food. I realise lots of the holding on to things is my Dad (although some of this I suspect is from an old head injury) but it’s good for thought reading some of these replies , me and my husband are both ‘collectors’ of various things and he never tidies up so I really try and make sure my daughter has a place for everything in her bedroom as I remember having absolutely no storage which obviously doesn’t lend itself to being tidy.