Growing up in a dirty messy house

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I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

Yes this resonates with me too. Dad is depressed and a hoarder, Mum is autistic. She hates having people in the house so won't contemplate a cleaner- she hoovers the clear bits of carpet, bleaches the loo and the sink and that's the sum total of her cleaning.

I was always conscious that my school uniform fitted badly and was often dirty but I only had one of most things and it could only be washed on Wash Day. That was The Rule and you couldn't argue. We had plenty of money but it went on Dad's bits and bobs.

My bedroom was indeed as bad as the rest of the house. As pp says I had nothing to model better behaviour on and didn't get invited to friends houses as I wasn't allowed people back. I have learned to "keep house" from my lovely mother in law and I too am an overprepared mum with everything that could possibly be needed in my handbag. House is still a bit cluttered and dusty in the corners but objectively similar to my (adult!) friends houses.

Recently I have been having nightmares in which my parents have passed away and I'm responsible for cleaning and clearing their house. One day this will come to pass.

@fishingpaintings *- yes absolutely it is a form of neglect. I work not in social services but in a related field and sometimes see pictures of alleged "child neglect" which mirror my own experience. These cases have more going on than just dirt, but it always makes me sad.

Someone close to me is from a home like that - filthy, chaotic, far too many 'rescue' animals, no order or cleanliness on any aspect. The house stinks.

It's dreadful and had had a huge impact on them both growing up and now as an adult. There's shame and embarrassment even though it was not and is not of their doing.

They've tried helping / cleaning / sorting and the parent will take off for the day and leave them to do all the cleaning so they've stopped that now too. But the downside is they've stopped visiting and the grandchildren have practically no relationship with that grandparent.

It's desperately sad because on paper the parent has it all, an outright owned house (inherited) in a much sought after location and if they could keep the house in order they could have a wonderful life there. The house is beyond neglected and the parent does not want help.

The now adult dc has trauma from the situation and their adult siblings are clearly affected too - one is super neat and tidy, the others also neglect their hygiene / houses and the cycle continues to a degree (not in the same league as the parent, but it could progress).

I get how and why this has a really lasting affect on people who grew up in these circumstances.

No, they weren't.

Your children aren't literally scarred for life from being injured on items left laying around for years. I am, though.

Your children aren't scratching their ear in a science lesson to find a flea was in there. I was.

Your windows have been washed in the last 60 years, at the very least on the inside. The only time there were clean windows was for a couple of weeks in 1988 when double glazing was put in by the council.

Your kids can sit down without checking for two bowls of rancid cat food behind them or walk around in socks without treading on something sharp or that came out of the body of an animal. I couldn't.

Some people are just filthy, whatever the era.

You're fine.

This thread has brought tears to my eyes, especially Sometimes I look at dd10 ...and think ‘how could my parents be so uncaring when they looked and saw me as I see her?

I cannot understand why with decent full time jobs and no mortgage, DM behaved as though below the poverty line and hoarded money, clutter and time.

This is an interesting thread. Reading it makes me want to get the balance right for my own children. My house growing up was cluttered which I was embarrassed about so I used to tidy before people came over, but nothing like some of these previous posters, some of these sound awful.

my mum was made to do so much housework growing up that she decided she wouldn’t get me to do anything and instead enjoy my childhood, so I can’t be annoyed about that. I wasn’t taught cooking or cleaning skills but uni made me learn pretty quickly.

My DF in particular was like this. Parents divorced years ago and he wanted to keep the house and he wrecked it! Hoarder, lazy, never got around to it - I have heard all of the reasons why he behaved like he did but honestly. He was a lazy devil. It was the generation where women did the house work and once he was left on his own he just didnt bother. Didnt stop him inviting himself to anywhere that he could especially around Xmas.

Could never invite anyone home even though the house was large. He literally trashed every room. He once said it bothered all of us rather than him and it wasnt his issue and when he passed - others would have to deal with it. Eventually he went into a home but not before we had to get the house cleared (he paid for it as the house was worth a fortune!).

I saw someone on the TV earlier today talking about the cost of living crisis - elderly people who were living in a terrible mess, little areas that they sat and surrounded by clutter and rubbish. It reminded me of my Father's house - he had the money, he just didnt want to spend it!

I find now we want to excuse the way people live, ADHD, low IQ, vunerable etc but some people do just not see what others see. The comment earlier about leaving the dishes - they would be there tomorrow sums it up. Why do something like this when its easier to just not bother.

I grew up in a massively messy house. My mum was a single parent and there were 5 of us in a 2 bed house. Mum worked all the hours god sent so there was very little time to dedicate to tidying up beyond the basics. The mess really unsettled me as a child- I hated having friends over and was embarrassed at how our house was compared to theirs. I also felt agitated in myself and couldn't really relax in my surroundings IYSWIM. As an adult myself, everywhere I've lived has been kept to show home standards- cleanliness and order makes me feel calm and relaxed and helps me think better. I now have children of my own and my standards have slipped slightly but I don't let things get too out of control in the clutter/mess/tidiness stakes because that would derail me mentally. I have to say, what my mum lacked in tidiness, she more than made up in other ways- there was always warm, fresh food available everyday and plenty of love to go around for us all. On tough days when I'm wfh and/or the DC make it look as though there's been a toy explosion in our living room, I remind myself of that. Life is hard and I'm trying to be kind(er) to myself so I don't make life any harder than it needs to be.

What was in her past that caused the hoarding?

Remember in bygone times there weren't forums like this and no where else could you admit your mental health problems. Nor could you get your developmental problems diagnosed.

This thread proves growing up in mess and chaos causes upset to people years later.

My friend was basically doing all the cleaning by the time she was 11. She now says it was incredibly stressful, I can remember helping her as a child / teenager. Her own home was like a show home before she had kids but she struck a balance once they came along.

I don’t like these ‘the chores can wait but the kids won’t’ type memes though. I play with my kids loads - and I do it in a neat and tidy/clean home. Making the snotty little dog that people with clean homes ignore their kids is just a way the people who share these memes try to make themselves look better. In reality few people are living in dirty messy homes because they’re so busy playing with their kids 24/7. Most of us manage to balance both interacting with our kids and providing them an appropriate environment.

I agree. I have ADHD and I grew up in houses like the ones described here. From age 8, it generally fell on me to fix it as the oldest and I didn't know how, and had no one to model routines, then I was in trouble because the house was a tip (my mum constantly banged on about wanting it to look like a magazine).

As an adult I understand that my mum just took zero responsibility for the fact she was the adult in charge of a house and had every excuse in the book for why she couldn't lift a finger to do anything whilst simultaneously losing it and trashing entire rooms if something was a tiny bit out of place.

It was a weird, unstable landscape to live in. We had to ask permission to play with toys and coats were always on the peg but the dishes wouldn't be washed for days on end and the bathroom was forever piled high with dirty laundry that the cracked toilet leaked onto (but the toilet seat was shiny and new every few years).

I manage to keep my house reasonable because I love my house and my kids and am damn proud that I now own my dream home outright given how I got dragged up. It's not tidy, usually, because I've got so many projects on the go. It's not photogenic. But it can be guest-ready in a day (single working parent with two under three) and I try and clean everything on a monthly basis. The hardest thing is striking a balance between cleaning and using the house.

There are various levels of functioning with different mental illnesses etc and I can't roll my eyes hard enough when people just won't take responsibility then try and talk on behalf of all of us with the same condition like we're all the same. I don't live in a shithole and I remember that burning shame. I would actually seek out other kids with similar greasy hair situations to mine to be friends with because we didn't judge each other. Usually they came and went though because none of us had stable home lives and I still struggle to keep friends.

My question for you would be - how do you think children learn to keep things clean and tidy? If this has never been modelled for them, how can they possibly pick up this skill/habit until they are old enough to make a conscious decision to try to learn it? Learning it is much more difficult in later life - it's like, if you hear a language spoken from birth you will pick it up; the later in life you try to learn a new language, the harder it is.

This is exactly the problem. If you grow up in a messy home with parents who weren't bothered by it then you literally never learn a "system" to keep things tidy. At uni I would shove things in closets to keep them out of sight but then get overwhelmed when it inevitably became full because I didn't know how to sort them out. I read the Mari Kondo book which was an eye opener to realise that you need to declutter and create space in instead of endlessly adding to and rearranging the mess.

Most kids with neurotypical parents grow up knowing how to keep clutter under control and tidy/clean as they go so it never gets overwhelming. If your parents never modelled that then you have to learn purely by observation or the few glimpses of other people's homes. It's comparable to financial literacy. If you had parents who were sensible with money and taught you the basics of spending and saving then you'd be totally baffled (and a bit judge-y) why anyone could blow their entire paycheck at once or get into debt for trivial things like clothes and gadgets.

I have a friend who had a party at his house. He’s in his 30s so not a student. The place was so messy and not because of the party. The kitchen had dishes piled up obviously from the past few days. I didn’t understand why you’d invite people over and not do the most basic cleaning and tidying.

I then was at his parents house and although in a fancy neighbourhood their house was also a mess.

So for some it’s not necessarily a mental health issue etc it’s just that they think it’s normal.

I have ADHD and this thread makes me feel awful. Not the OPs fault I know!

If he was sociable then he would see that other people's places were tidy.

I will never forget seeing an apartment featured in a magazine article where the owner had specially made white carpet. She had two little girls dressed in white and I always wondered what they were allowed to do on the immaculate white carpet.

Reading this thread brings back some horrible memories. I grew up in a dirty messy home too. My mother had severe mental health problems that she wouldn't allow anyone to help her with and my dad was so self-absorbed he just didn't seem to notice the state we lived in. I remember being at school one day, around the age of eight, and realising with a rush of shame that my clothes were dirty and my hair full of old tangles, that everyone else was neat and clean. It must have been so obvious but no one ever said anything. There was hardly ever any hot water at home so we no doubt smelled too. The house itself was a disaster, filthy and untidy. The rooms were sparsely furnished, every wall was painted white and not all rooms had carpets, but there was clutter everywhere from shoes to papers, cups and plates. There was no heating at all upstairs so the bedrooms were always freezing in winter. As time went on, my mother's psychosis became deeper and more tangled. She saw things on the wall and would throw cups of coffee at them, so the walls were streaked with brown stains. She also hoarded rubbish because she believed the neighbours were spying on us. By the age of nine, my mother had stopped caring for us at all and me and my brothers had to take over doing the laundry and cooking ourselves - hey, at least I learned those skills good and early. As for visitors, the memory of anyone coming round and seeing how we lived makes my blood run cold. Even today, I panic at unannounced callers.

My home now isn't overly tidy but it's comfortable. There are carpets and cosy furnishings in warmly coloured fabrics. There are lots of books and interesting things to look at, unusual ornaments and healthy plants, attractive paintings on the walls. There is plenty of food now too and hot water is always available. As long as I know when someone is calling, they are welcome. One of the best things is that when people come round for the first time, they say 'Wow, this is lovely' and then I feel I've done something right.

As for Why do these things bother you all these years later? - isn't it obvious? Growing up in filth and squalor when those around you aren't faced with that is soul destroying and utterly shaming. You know very well that your home is uncomfortable, that it smells, that you smell and that the situation is all things wrong, but as a child there is sod all you can do about it. That stays with you for a very long time.

I grew up in a dirty messy home too. It wasn't as bad as some houses I've seen but it wasn't very good.

I was too embarrassed to bring anyone home, when I did I'd clean the house first and then my dad would complain and say that my mum was putting on a show.

They both smoked and the house stunk of cigarettes and ashtrays, there was thick dog hair everywhere, the bathroom was full of mould, the kitchen worktops were constantly full of clutter. Nowhere was decorated properly the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere, holes in the carpet. The garden was a mess and used as a dog toilet rather than a nice place to sit or play.

I'd try to keep it clean myself as I got older and tried decluttering with my mum, it was a big house and they kept drawers and drawers of absolute shit, old useless wires, tv remotes for TVs that were long gone. Looking back it seems bizarre that a teenager would be trying to get her mother to declutter and my mum was basically too lazy.

What gets me is they didn't work so what was the excuses? I think my mum was a bit of a hoarder, they were useless at running a house, they would decorate one room but it would never be finished then they'd just let it all get ruined and start again. They didn't have any money and didn't seem to understand or care how to look after things so that they would last.

It's definitely made me want a clean, tidy home that's a cosy haven.

What was in her past that caused the hoarding?

Liking Stuff more than her own children (or as it used to be termed, Avarice, Greed, Envy and Covetousness) once they stopped being small enough to treat as objects and possessions? And only loathing cleanliness slightly more than she loathed those awful children who dared to think that they needed feeding, clothing when they actually needed battering into silent and largely absent submission? Stuff doesn't argue back or need love and nurturing, after all. It just needs acquiring.

Although that might just be mine...

Yes. Their house is the same now.
Its not even a time or money thing. They just can’t be bothered

Hated having people over, never had school supplies or space to work (that really affected my grades), clothes stunk. Etc etc

Nowadays we don’t visit and Ds can’t ever go inside

This thread really resonates with me.

I grew up with 2 fairly well adjusted professional parents in a nice house. It wasn't cluttered etc but it was always very dirty. Washing up never done and piled high, surfaces never wiped and ants crawling, floors sticky, sheets on beds for weeks and weeks, clothes never washed, bathrooms never ever cleaned. We didn't have any bins - I thought it was normal to put piles of rubbish on the floor or if we were lucky, into a plastic bag. We didn't have laundry bins, laundry was just chucked on the floor in the pile in communal areas and left there smelling for weeks.

I regularly had no underwear as it was all dirty and told to wear dirty pairs off the washing pile on the floor. I often had no clean clothes and had to keep rewearing (in fact I had really bad back acne but when I left home and could control my own washing, it completely cleared up). I couldn't bring friends home as they said it smelt and it was too embarrassing.

The state of the house was used as a weapon by my parents so me and my siblings were always shouted out for making the mess (even though we were little and it was more adult mess than child toy mess really). Regularly I would be dragged out of bed at 9/10pm because they'd suddenly decided the house was a tip, it was all our fault and we needed to clean. Horrific.

As a teenage I ended up doing a lot of cleaning just so I didn't feel sick about using the toilet etc which was always covered in mess. I remember bringing boyfriends to stay as a younger adult and the bed sheets being filthy and obviously used by multiple people beforehand. The shame.

It's made me feel very anxious and suspicious about other people's cleaning (and more the respect for people coming in to the home if that makes sense) when I stay anywhere as I assume no one has changed sheets or cleaned toilets and I really struggle to not freak out. I basically assume everyone is the same as my parents. I also feel really angry that they couldn't get their shit together and just do a bit of cleaning.

My house is pretty clean and tidy but not crazy so. We have a cleaner. I'm very particular about my children having enough clean clothes, that they are ironed and smell nice, that we use proper bins and laundry baskets and the house is nice enough to always welcome someone in. The shame lasts a lifetime though. I also can't imagine doing to my children what was done to me.

During the last recession some years back, I couldn't find my usual office work after being made redundant so I went to work for a cleaning company that belonged to a friend of my boyfriend's parents, I was part of a team and we covered a fairly salubrious area, cleaning large houses and deluxe apartments...I was amazed at the conditions which some people, mostly very comfortably off, lived in, which in some cases amounted to complete filth, I'm not judgemental as I'm not the tidiest or most organised person myself but it was a real eye opener.