Growing up in a dirty messy house

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I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

I know someone who lives in a house I can only describe as a pig sty. Encrusted filth, mould, black handmarks on the walls, half peeled off kids stickers stuck everywhere, old dried up pet faeces (has 10 dogs), piles and piles of crap. It was an absolute shock to me because this person is a professional who prides themselves on showing horses to the highest level and they are always immaculately turned out with the most expensive tack. They are certainly not short of money. The kids smell 😫its an awful thing to say, but they do. They smell unwashed and of dirty clothes. This has caused problems with bullying at school. I feel so sorry for them and can't fathom how the parents can't see past all the crap and how bad it is?

My husband’s mum was a hoarder, like an extreme hoarder, and he’s now the opposite- decluttering when there’s no clutter, takes stuff to charity shop when we still use it etc!

If you haven't grown up with chaotic parents it's hard to understand.

For me why I get angry is not the single thing or being messy it's when you put it in context that you realise how rubbish it was.

So messy often left the washing up fine lots of people do this but what if you had rats in the cavity walls of the house? Would you knowingly leave it out, I clearly remember their little bolognese foot prints on our kitchen work surface.

Same with we used to run out of toilet roll, toothpaste, sanitary products everyone has been their and suddenly realised (although I'm a bit obsessive about always restocking it and since I told DH about this he keeps an eye on it to as knows its important to me) that's fine you go to the shop 5 minutes down the road and buy some more, except that didn't happen in my house as a child so we'd go for days without them.

We did have lots of rescued pets but even they were neglected and our guinea pigs were only cleaned out when the bedding was full of magots (I was in primary school and clearly remember shoveling out their hutch)

I'd report this to social services. Children shouldn't be living in a house with dog crap in it. Nor should they be smelling so bad they are being bullied. You can do it anonymously.

Who will be able to and actually do SFA as they are the type to not allow the inexperienced social worker who turns up to enter their house as they know their rights.

@RedWingBoots I'd still report it. And keep reporting it.

My friend grew up in a dirty house. Her parents hoarded animals and the smell was unbelievable. There was animal poo and pee everywhere.

She's obsessed with cleanliness. She showers twice a day, scrubs her skin, washes her hair twice a day, her house is spotless, she panics when people come over because she forgot to dust her skirting boards etc. She's gone completely the other way.

Stuff is also really important to her. She said they didn't have much growing up and all her things got wrecked by the animals. She panics if she loses things and her kids always have everything they need and the best she can buy.

It's crazy how it can still affect a person even after so many years.

I grew up in a filthy house. Thick dust over everything, sticky carpet, the fireplace was basically an ashtray, piles of newspapers around the room, cat hair over every surface. The kitchen and bathroom can best be described as disgusting. The kitchen was black from mould, counters covered in grease, crumbs, and bits of food. Every cup and dish would be used and piled round the sink only to be washed when absolutely necessary. And, of course, the scummy basin full of greasy water. The bathroom was worse. Piles of dirty clothes in all the corners of all the rooms.

We weren’t allowed friends in. If anyone came to the door we had to hide so they didn’t come in. My mum just couldn’t be bothered, prefered to spend her days in her chair, reading her library books and smoking.

I've always kept a clean house. When the kids were little, when I was on antidepressants that pretty much knocked me out for most of the day, I kept on top of the housework. It’s almost 40 years since I left home and I still get tense and on edge if I’m around clutter anywhere, but especially my own house. And my idea of clutter might be two dog toys in the middle of the floor, and a glass on the coffee table. I don’t know why it still bothered me after all those years, but it does, and it’s a physical reaction.

This is so upsetting but also fascinating for me. My DH grew up in a home with a single parent who was definitely a hoarder in later life (technically perhaps on the boundary of very cluttered/hoarder but still). I can say with authority that when we cleared out her house, she’d never done a clear-out in the thirty years she’d lived there. So. Much. Stuff. And dirty.

Now, I’m not judging that in her later years, she had a cleaner and the cleaner was clearly more of a companion - and relationships and distance meant we couldn’t really help. But DH says it was the same when she was younger.

DH didn’t know that you mop floors until he left home. No word of a lie. Some of the stories he told me about hygiene in their house had me shuddering.

It does leave a mark. DH doesn’t know what tidy looks like. I don’t mean that in a patronising way but he sees a clear surface as an invitation rather than as standard - I can never just clear the table and him leave it that way.

He has no concept of pruning belongings unless they have broken, beyond clothes. He’s not quite at the stage of having possessions rather than relationships but Stuff is important to him in a disproportionate way. It’s difficult to explain - it’s not even about having nice things, it’s things like he can’t bear to get rid of anything with even the vaguest sentimental value, especially anything from childhood like teddies (I have kept my special bears, for instance, but not every soft toy anyone ever gave me).

I am in no way a minimalist and grew up in a house packed to the rafters with books and with a baseline level of cleanliness due to busy parents (but an acceptable baseline, more the “dust if you must” types). But this is in another league.

The house I grew up in wasn't like you described but my mother was irresponsible. Nothing was ever her problem to fix.

She is still like this and will always take the easiest route instead of considering what the right thing to do is. I am really struggling with my relationship with her and it's worse since I became a parent.

Having a child yourself can bring all these feelings to the forefront. It certainly did for me. Similar to how you describe, I look at my little girl and wonder how can she have been so not bothered about taking care of me or concerned for my wellbeing.

She never ever knew where I was or had any childcare arranged for me for the hours after I finished school. I used to pretend to other adults I was going in the back door then go around the side and sit on the wet grass out of sight.

My neighbours basically took care of me. When we moved i felt I was living with strangers. I snuck out of the house one night and traveled through the city on multiple late buses to get back to their house. I snuck into the garden (they were all asleep) and tried to make a shelter under the branches of the tree.

I also grew up in a very cluttered and dirty house. I don’t remember any housework being done- and neither parent worked..

by the time I was about 11, my sister and I would clean the house for hours on end of a friend was coming over- we were so embarrassed. My mother took advantage of this though..I went through a. Stage of doing all the washing/putting it away (a teenager at school with unemployed parents on benefits 🙄) there were 5 of us too. When I stopped doing this, she would call me names and moan about me being selfish.

mot was horrible because it felt like they couldn’t even do the basics to keep us in a nice house, never mind work to make us in a better position. I too feel like I have to work hard to build routines to keep my house tidy now, but never want to put my children in the same position.

I totally relate to this. I have just posted as we also had a messy house but we would often have to sit in the back green/caravan and wait and see when we could get in the house..
I have quite a distant relationship with her now, and none with my father

My DC has a friend who lives in a house like this. The first time I visited the smell took my breath away - animal faeces and urine on saturated carpets. Clutter everywhere. Both parents are extremely well paid professionals so despite multiple children and a gazillion (poorly trained) animals they could afford help if housekeeping is not their thing. They are lovely and generous people, always inviting folks over for BBQs etc. and obviously see no issue with it.

There’s someone undergoing renovation who has no carpets etc. but it’s basically clean and there’s a bit messy with a lot of stuff but also basically clean. Then there is just really bad hygiene and I’m no MN clean freak.

For this reason plus a couple of other things that have happened I won’t let my DC go round any more. I really thought about it as in no way do I want the child/children to be aware or ashamed as it’s not a reflection on them, but also had to make the right decision for my DC. I always invite them to our house and say something about logistics being easier.

I’d just reiterate that the parents and children are all lovely. It’s not for me to judge but if I had to that sits very much with the parents to teach basic life skills to kids.

This is so sad. I’m not the best at keeping a nice, clean, tidy house. I’ve resolved to sort it this year, though.

Growing up, though, our house was spotless but not ridiculously so. My mum has said she wished she’d spent more time playing with us instead of stressing over it. I don’t know. Neither of us found a balance.

The lack of stuff ie pen or paper to do homework, clothes too small etc as everything lost or buried or dirty or broken under stuff really affected me I think

Ds is only a toddler, but I think I do slightly obsess that no clothes are too small, or his shoes aren’t too tight, and that he can find everything he needs in the right place. I have his clothes drawers all easily accessible for him, shoes on rack tidy, child height shelf with pencils, food etc.

I grew up in the opposite and it was tiresome. There were six dc but there were no signs of us in the house. The house was immaculate at all times, we were never allowed to stay in bed because dm vacuumed every day at 7.30am upstairs. If I was reading a book and left it to nip to the loo, it would be back on the shelf before I got back. No friends were allowed in because they would make a mess. I remember my older brother's girlfriend being barred from visiting again because she moved a cushion.
Nothing was saved because dm didn't want anything in the house so I have no toys or books or mementos from childhood because they were disposed of the minute they were deemed grown out of. Dm died when I was seventeen and the only memories I have is of her obsessive cleaning because she was always too busy to play or talk to any of us.
My house is very clean and tidy, if I'm stressed I clean, if I'm angry I clean, if I'm anxious I clean, I have to keep a check on myself to make sure I keep some sort of balance

Our house was very tidy - my horrible Mother achieved that by making her four kids do all her housework and cooking, even though she never worked.

I rarely ask my kids to do anything round the house and enjoy keeping it clean and tidy and washing and ironing their clothes.

They are lovely kids and there is plenty of time to learn domestic skills in adulthood.

I am so angry at parents who don't prioritise their kids over themselves and ruin their childhoods.

Oh god, this thread!

As a direct consequence of my childhood I now:

only have white bedding, changed weekly. No exceptions. I didn’t have any growing up.

I never wear the same clothes twice (as in, I wear once then wash it). I have enough underwear and socks and I dispose of it and get new lot every January. I used to fish in the dirty clothes pile every day when I was a child.

My DD had 6 complete lots of uniforms. I kid you not. In one of those IKEA hanging collapsible shelves. 5 skirts, 5 polo tops, 5 tights, 5 knickers, 5 vests, 5 cardigans, 5 hair bobbles lined up AT ALL TIMES. All folded beautifully, all the way to year 9. All she had to do was take one parcel out and get dressed. All back in the wardrobe by Saturday morning at the latest. I used to do a wash on a Thursday, dry overnight, iron everything on Friday evenings. The 6th lot was washed on Mondays. Guess what? I only ever had one uniform.

There are NEVER any dirty dishes to be seen in my house. I have a dishwasher and money set aside for another brand new one in case this one ever breaks. It’s a Miele, so I doubt I’ll need another one soon, but still. Growing up we never had any clean dishes. I hate doing the washing up, our old kitchen never had warm water.

At all times, I have 2-3 tooth brushes, tooth paste, soap, deodorant, face cream etc. I will never run out, because I never had any. I kid you not, I didn’t have a toothbrush.

All my walls are white. Because it’s easy to touch up, it’s never a half finished project. And my parents decorated once. Everything was yellow from the cigarette smoke.

My bills are overpaid. Always. Because I need to make sure I never have the gas disconnected, never want to experience that awful feeling when you get home and the electricity meter had been taken off the wall for non payment.

I host a lot of dinners/coffee & cake afternoons. I have an open house policy and it’s really making me happy if you drop by unannounced. I never had friends around growing up.

There’s more. But I won’t bore you too much.
it’s really traumatic growing up like I did.

@BuddhaAtSea - I want to hear more. You’re amazing. 💐

I want to hear more too 🌻

OP, you don't have to have compassion for their neglect. You can decide to appreciate and focus on what was good about your parents (if there were good things) and ignore the bad stuff. I also grew up in a chaotic home. Never had clean clothes, shoes that fitted etc. I struggle to keep the house clean and tidy but I manage. And DC always had clean clothes.

So much of this thread resonates with me. I grew up in a dirty messy house and was embarrassed to have friends round when I was old enough to realise that no-one else lived like we did. The kitchen was a health hazard, and I wouldn’t let anyone near it. It wasn’t anything like as bad as some posters' houses here though.

My mum did some secretarial work from home, but when her boss died she was a SAHM, so had plenty of time to keep the house nice. TBH I have no idea what she did with her time. She wasn't depressed, she just didn't see housework as a priority. She did hoover, wash and iron clothes and was a fantastic cook, but she never dusted or tidied.

As a result I hate mess and clutter. My home looks lived in, but it is clean and tidy most of the time.

The kids won't remember having a clean home when they're older

No, but they sure will remember a dirty home, as evidenced by the replies on here.

it's quite a contrast to all those memes about leaving the mess and playing with your kids instead.

Indeed. Mumsnetters who are proud of having a messy house because they spend all their time playing with their children or following more “worthwhile” pursuits take note.

Really interesting (and sad) thread.

My GM worked full time as she enjoyed it and was good at what she did (ahead of her time), the problem was GF also expected the housekeeping to be done but refused help even though they could afford it. Basically a Mexican stand off from which my mother suffered.

When I was growing up I was infuriated by her standards of cleanliness/housekeeping and frankly how hard she worked to keep a pristine house.

She was obsessed (to me as a child) at my uniform being beautifully laundered and ironed. Any stain and the item was replaced.

My grandparents home wasn't dirty or cluttered. Quite the reverse when I came on the scene.

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's my mother explained that everything when she grew up was for "show" apart from her. The downstairs of the house was well maintained but the upstairs was a hell hole. She never had any clean school clothes (any clothes) unless she laundered them herself.

She could invite friends home but not to her room (even though she kept that tidy) because of the mess/smell of the upstairs and worry they might want to use the upstairs bathroom (they were fortunate to have a downstairs toilet which was rare as GGF was a plumber - ran his own business) - so basically she didn't.

It had a big impact on her and a determination that I would never go to school with a stained/dirty uniform or be the child with unwashed hair and ashamed to invite friends to my home/bedroom.

I hope I've broken the cycle by having a home that's clean and tidy but not obsessively so (and my son never went to school in a dirty uniform).

I admit I'm conscious of mess and I'm the opposite of a hoarder (if I don't like something off to recycling it goes or the local Facebook page) but I'm also not a clean freak as my mother is.

Those messages about clean houses and children unplayed with annoy me.

Theres 24 hrs in a day, even with a busy schedule, most people have enough time to keep house clean enough and check children have all basics without abandoning them.

Im really not talking houses need to be spotless, just clean enough. I remember going to friends houses and they all just felt so much more homely and all were different styles and various clutter and other diy projects over time which was fine.

It really makes life difficult if you start you day not being able to find a clean towel for shower, then shower is filthy or broken so you have to try and clean it or fix before using, then there’s no shampoo, then the hairdryer broke 3 years ago, but no heating so freezing, then your clothes are dirty still, all before breakfast with slightly gone off milk in a dirty half cleaned bowl as no washing up liquid or hot water. That’s before you leave the house, and get told off
at school because your late, you didn’t do your maths homework with the non existent paper, ruler and compass you needed, and ‘forgot’ your pe kit again ( ie it’s dirty still)
When your only 9,10, 11years old there isn’t much you can do about it either.

It also feels so harsh now how much I was told off at secondary school or in detention due to lateness, lack of homework, lack of resources needed, formed unsigned, incorrect uniform etc. When it wasn’t really my fault at all, but as a young teen you just answer ‘ I forgot’ rather than embarrassing yourself in class saying I didn’t revise for English gcse as I spent all weekend babysitting younger siblings, trying to clean and I don’t have the compulsory book yet.

Oh, @Caspianberg 💐
as a teacher I see this, and I never, NEVER penalise a young child for something their parents should have done.