Growing up in a dirty messy house

[Changedagain876]

I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

I'm so sorry Ihate... Sending huge hugs. X

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for posting. It's made me realise that my kids could well be posting something like this when they are older. Now I'm not talking shit, vomit and piss but I've definitely been borderline neglectful with how dirty my house has been. Food left on the floor so it stains the carpets, bathroom not cleaned for weeks, the same bedding for months, unironed clothes with the odd small hole or stains on etc. It's totally unacceptable.

And the posters who have mentioned chaos and disorder, I'm guilty of living like that too and my kids have suffered the consequences. Forgetting things they need for school, not being able to find things they need because of mess, missing out on homework/reading because I've been overwhelmed.

Partly through grief, partly since dc3 was born and I couldn't cope, I've also been toying with going to the GP about undiagnosed ADHD down to my inability to deal with basic life events but I'm putting it off for whatever reason, mental health stuff but also down to sheer selfish laziness. The last one has been a hard one to admit but in all honesty I'm naturally extremely lazy and this is probably the main reason. Which is really shameful but I'm trying to be honest.

I've had a huge clear up and declutter and I've been doing as much deep cleaning as I can manage over the past few days. I've been looking at the organised mum method and got my head around that and once my big sort out is done I'm going to properly stick to that routine. My kids already seem so much calmer and it was so nice after a trip to the park today to come back to a mostly clean home. I'm hoping I'll be able to stop dreading family or friends coming over too.

I'm going to bookmark a few posts on this thread and keep coming back to them for motivation. I'm feeling so ashamed that the kids have been living the way they have for the last few years because of me. It's been the massive kick up the arse I've needed.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and I'm so sorry that you've experienced some of the things I've read on here. I'm hoping that I can do enough to change things for my kids and that it's not too late. I want to be so much better for them, they deserve it.

@MessyNoMore oh darling

well done for the steps you’ve taken. Genuinely well done.

Really heartening @MessyNoMore . Well done.

@MessyNoMore you’re an inspiration!

Thank you so much, it's been a huge realisation. I've actually messaged some therapists and hopefully I'm going to start some counselling to try and unravel everything that's been going on.

I'm so grateful for you all sharing your stories. You've changed mine and my kids lives for the better. I'll never go back to how things were, it sounds awful but I genuinely didn't think it would affect the kids. How wrong I was. Thank you everyone.

MessyNoMore I’m so pleased you have posted and that takes guts to admit you have been neglectful and lazy! I don’t know many that would actually come out and say what you’ve said! I know you will do it, you have the right attitude wishing you lots of happiness in your venture and it will feel like one, take each day as it comes bits at a time and you will see clouds will lift and it won’t be so overwhelming, you will feel much happier and so will your children too! I’m really proud of you love

Wow I wasn’t expecting the thread to develop like this. A huge well done to you Messynomore - not many people would have the courage to face their own struggles and act on them so decisively. You’re inspiring.

Thank you for thread - it has been insightful and helped me to process what I grew up with. The cigarette smoke, the sticky carpet from spills, ,the filthy kitchen. It was a very neglectful childhood. The house was a symptom of my parents dysfunction - my alcoholic Dad and my Mum who spent her life in and out psych hospitals and had no mothering skills.
I have done well - professional job, happy marriage.
I remember going to University and realising that I came from a different world.

@MessyNoMore well done to you, that certainly takes a lot of courage and also humility to come on here to update us all. Truly wishing you all the best Xx.

@MessyNoMore thank you. In some weird way your comment has actually really brought me a bit of peace. So have all of these amazing contributions from others. Every time I come back to it I get a bit choked up.

Thanks OP for the thread and well done @MessyNoMore I have to say this thread has pushed me to give the house and extra clean, but some new tea towels, dish clothes and a new dust bin all of which had got tatty but I was holding off from replacing for no particularly reason.

I'm also going to get on with the decorating we moved just over a year ago and they clearly didn't keep on top of it but we've been waiting to pay someone else we've renovated each house we've lived in and feed up of doing it but we clearly aren't going to have enough to do that for a while.

I’ve washed, dried, folded (don’t really iron but dry cleverly so I don’t need to! 😉) and put away ALL of my kids’ clothes so that there will be absolutely no stress at all re: where their clean pants, swimming kits, PE kits etc are. Now to keep on top of it!

I’m glad it’s brought you a little peace, @Changedagain876 . You’ve actually improved children’s lives by posting. Thank you 💐

Thanks again, OP, for this useful discussion. It prompted me to get aggressive about maintaining a clean and healthy home, so last week I rented a carpet cleaner and steam-cleaned all the carpets and upholstery. It has made such a difference not just to the look but to the smell of the house. It was so musty-dusty, and now it's fresh! I also sorted out our baking drawer, which was so crammed we couldn't easily open it. Now it's nicely organised and everything in it is clean. I've also embarked on a major paper chuck-out. DD became inspired and has offered to sort out the crockery cupboard. I've promised her new bed linen when she's finished.😁

Well done, @MessyNoMore. It feels good to rip into the task, doesn't it? A clean, calm home is so worth the effort.

I also had a crockery cupboard clear out late last year. I'd looked in there one day and thought 'Why on earth are we keeping all this crap?'. There were chipped bowls and plates with worn glaze and stuff we hadn't used for decades. Some of it was bought in charity shops over 30 years ago! I got the lot out, separated out the good stuff, tipped the damaged, charity shopped much of the rest and, for the first time ever, at the age of effing 60, got some new, good quality plates and bowls. Looking in that cupboard now feels good.

Well done for making a new start. I grew up in an ordinary terrace but it was clean and tidy. I do now fully appreciate how my mum and dad looked after us on a low budget. You will not regret doing this I'm sure, little steps every day will work wonders and your kids may not appreciate it now but they will in the future and it is showing you care for them. Good luck. 💐

@Random789
I really feel for you and wish there was some magic to make you feel differently about the past so it doesn't affect your future.
I had a great childhood but that's not the theme here. I just want you to know that we who were luckier than some, although not moneyed, do empathise with those who had a less fortunate start in life.
You've done extremely well to be able to talk about it but please, try not to overcompensate by wondering how outsiders view your home. Believe me, the warmth of the welcome is everything and I'm sure that you share that warm welcome with everyone who is lucky enough to be invited into your home.
Best wishes...💐

This is a great thread topic. Sorry to all those who suffered, but I've found this massively motivating

Good points @Crankylanky - I wonder if we could consider them in addition to the needs of the children?

There are two separate issues in here:
A. Some people may struggle to maintain a tidy home for reasons which are not their choices or their fault, and we can understand how they end up unable to cope with the home.
Making such people feel guilty about the effect of a messy home on their children would add to the parents' burden.

AND

B. Living in a messy and dirty home can have bad effects on children.

Both can be true, and several posters have shown compassion for their parents, while talking frankly about the way the chaotic home has made their lives difficult. The fact that we can understand and empathise with such parents, doesn't mean that the kids don't get affected by it. Some parents struggle to feed their children a nutritious diet because of hardship and/or ignorance, but that doesn't mean their kids wouldn't benefit from a better diet. Rather, shining a light on the way this affects children gives parents information which can help them set priorities and maybe work out that they need help.
I understand why I was raised in filth and chaos, and I don't berate my parents for it. But it made my life very difficult and we shouldn't minimise that. I get a lot of satisfaction from making things better for my own children, even though it does not come naturally. This thread has helped me to put feelings into words and to feel a pat on the back for the progress I've made.

@DivorcedAndDelighted agree with what you’ve said.