Growing up in a dirty messy house

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I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

But secondary children do get penalised as the pp did when they're, understandably, covering up out of embarrassment.

We had carpets but they were saturated with dog piss, otherwise I grew up exactly the same in filth.
I now have a clean and tidy house and would never ever let anyone come over if the house was even slightly out of sorts.
I get stressed going to my parent's house as even though it's better than it was when I was growing up, it's still a tip.

When I was very young my mum was at home and kept a clean house and taught me how to clean. I remember going to a friend's house and seeing piles of laundry, messy kitchen and bathrooms, etc., and being shocked. I was about 9 then, kids notice. When I was 16 mum went through a rough spot with an abusive relationship and working all hours and the house went seriously downhill, mice, garbage back up, etc. I was shocked then too, but, much to my regret, too thick to pitch in. Now that mum is less mobile I do jobs around her place, cleaning out pantry, fridge, closets, the car, etc , it's not constant, she does the upkeep, I just take on some bigger projects every few months that she wouldn't be able to do. We know that being in a reasonably tidy environment is good for us, but sometimes we can't manage it.

During the pandemic I lost my cleaning routine. With hindsight I can see I didn't need to have been doing so much. My new routine is better, house is still clean and tidy, but to the level of top to toe deep cleaning each week.

Are they alive and have you discussed it with them? If not, why not? My parents home was always tidy and clean so the opposite of yours I had a sahm. Her own parents place was cluttered and messy and she didn't want that for us. The reason grandparents home was like that was they had 7 kids, grandad didn't clean and gran was overrun. As she got older and kids moved out cleaning became overnight less of a priority and so the kids clubbed together to get them a cleaner once a week. Whenever we would visit my mum would scrub the house and as they used less rooms it wasn't bad.

My own house isn't up to my mums standard in terms of cleanliness, my house is more cluttered with kids toys but she will spend her whole Sunday doing a big clean whereas I try to do little and often.

*That’s before you leave the house, and get told off

at school because your late, you didn’t do your maths homework with the non existent paper, ruler and compass you needed, and ‘forgot’ your pe kit again ( ie it’s dirty still)
When your only 9,10, 11years old there isn’t much you can do about it either.
It also feels so harsh now how much I was told off at secondary school or in detention due to lateness, lack of homework, lack of resources needed, formed unsigned, incorrect uniform etc. When it wasn’t really my fault at all, but as a young teen you just answer ‘ I forgot’ rather than embarrassing yourself in class saying I didn’t revise for English gcse as I spent all weekend babysitting younger siblings, trying to clean and I don’t have the compulsory book yet.*

God yes. It was an absolute nightmare. Struggling to do the basics for yourself just to arrive at school and land yourself a punishment for your neglect. I can’t count how many times I stood outside detention for not wearing school uniform. And I was a very irregular attender so you’d think that they’d say ‘well she’s never ever here and is on a child in need plan so maybe we should try to make sure she gets some education while she’s in the building.’ But no. They were more interested in me wearing jeans. Because I had no school trousers. And then they’d act shocked that I didn’t bother showing up most of the time.

This thread is really heartbreaking and I want to scoop all you little children who had tough home lives up into a giant hug and look after you all.

Our dc are so lucky in so many ways

@Kanaloa - agree.
I remember my only school jumper being wet still so I went in without. When asked why I said I only had one and it was wet. I then sat detention writing lines saying ‘ I must not tell lies’. 🤷‍♀️

You'd expect the schools in deprived areas to have more understanding and be used to spotting the signs of poverty and neglect, rather than fixating on minutiae of rules and uniform policy.

I hope with safeguarding training of today things are different.

I’m sorry. I know about it! It makes you not want to go at all.

Unfortunately I found my deprived area school was even worse than most. They had been taken over by an ‘academy’ I think, and were just obsessed with things like uniform (blazer, skirt with badge sewn on, jumper with badge all from expensive school shop) to the detriment of kids who couldn’t afford it.

I actually went to a decent grammar. On one hand it meant I actually somehow ended up with a good education and grades, but on the other expectations were high and as it wasn’t in a deprived area that just didn’t expect many people to attend I think who weren’t ‘privileged’

I think it's really tone deaf and annoying to post here about how having very high standards of cleanliness is harmful etc. etc. and perhaps OPs poor parents were very busy etc. etc. This thread is about the real trauma that growing up in chaos can cause. I know, I grew up that way and my heart goes out to everyone who knows what it was like.

The American series Hoarders is really interesting (lots of episodes on Amazon Prime). It's not all hoarders, some people on it are disorganised or don't clean. There are obviously so many different causes. For some people it starts to happen after a trauma in their lives (eg. a sudden death of a loved one), for others it is lifelong executive disfunction which is often linked to ADHD or AS. For others it is perhaps early onset dementia. And there are some who have grown up that way themselves and have no role models. Others simply don't want to take responsibility for their own lives.

The striking thing about the people on this series (and I must have watched at least 20 of them) is how badly it affects the rest of their family, especially their children. Many of the children are very depressed indeed. This should be the main reason for coming to terms with it and getting help. I don't think I blame my mother for allowing our home to become a shithole but I really do judge her for pretending it was ok and not admitting there was a problem.

This thread so resonates with me. I’m really a gransnetter but the growing up in a dirty house has made me the person i am I’m afraid. DH laughs at me that I’m hoovering daily,faffing about dirty dishes,beside myself if white goods break down. He grew up with a daily help who did come daily and he has never had a clue how to run a house because he never had to help and I never knew because I had never seen it done. But the major legacy is that although my parents had good points I can’t see those good points as they are overridden by painful teeth as I wasn’t allowed a brace even though the school dentist said it was necessary,painful feet as I had very narrow long feet but I had to squash into smaller broad shoes. My best friend laughed ( kindly) when she said that as soon as I got a job my feet went up two sizes and measured AA. I didn’t realise how dirty the house was ( I didn’t know how to clean,no dusters or cleaning cloths,towels threadbare and shared for weeks)clothes for me were homemade and until I learnt to sew at school unhemmed or cut down from someone else’s. My father had everything tailor made,bought only the best but I never remember him or my mother taking a bath. I would have loved a Mrs Hinch when first married. Looking forward my children know how obsessed I am about cleanliness but are very lackadaisical themselves. One mentioned that dgs had slept without sheets for sometime as dc had been too busy. The other dgcs I looked after a lot hating the fact that their clothes were always too small or finding their bedtime milk going green under their cot when I arrived. So maybe it’s inherited and now as I’m older I’m getting very slummocky because getting up is painful and housework is exhausting me. I dread reading the elderly parents thread in case I see my home described there

It's not just deprived areas though. My school was quite middle class and my parents had money - they just didn't prioritise spending it on my uniform. I only had 1 jumper for school and it wasn't uniform regulation, it was an old woolly jumper of my brothers that was navy and could pass as school uniform. Except it obviously didn't as I got constantly in to trouble for wearing it but I had nothing else.

I second this. I know someone who in the course of their work visited a home with 40+ cats and lots of kids. They were removed into foster care as the house was absolutely disgusting, parents had no awareness and the kids stank. Poor loves.

Ours was always clean and tidy well decorated. My best friends was the pits unfortunately, stacks of dirty washing, siblings would soil bed and it would just be wiped, often no sheets so the mattress was horrid.
Week worth of encrusted food on pans from the once a week her dm woild cook. Rest was pot noodles, chip shop, toast etc. Because she had a social life 6 days a week.
Her dm is still like it now. My best friends house now has the same smells, piles of laundry etc. Her kids have ' that smell' yet shes a head teacher, her dcs attend her school, her dh is professional too. On fb she calls herself a clean freak. Not sure to whose standards, but i never have a drink there or wouldn't eat there. When i leave i go home and shower clothes to the machine as they smell. But shes a lovely person and clearly that's not her priority /never had a role model to go by.
Over the years I've heloed her clean. I've scrubbed till ive had sore blisters but the next time its back to square one

I am going to put this thread on my watch list, so that when there is a thread where posters are smug about prioritising doing anything but cleaning I can post a link to it.

That’s ridiculous - my late DH and I both worked full time, brought up a blended family of 5 children, extended the house to accommodate everyone (actually built it - we didn’t get builders in), and the house was always as clean as possible considering the building work. The children were well fed and in clean clothes, I would not have had it any other way. It was very very hard, true, but the children deserved no less.
If you cannot care adequately for children, don’t have them!

It was the same for me.
i really struggle to know how to clean, and when to do stuff.
whenever I say that on here I always get “don’t be so ridiculous it’s common sense”
except, it’s not if you didn’t grow up in it.

i get massive fear about people coming over, I can’t do “pop ins” and I really wanted that for my kids but I can’t do it.

I struggle because we rent so a lot of stuff I keep just in case I ever own a place or it might fit the next one (like dining table), it also means you can’t do Just put up shelves. Your stuck making the best of it, along with a feeling of massive judgement from the landlord and anyone else

I did too. My mother lives with me now. She’s a hoarder and has the cleaning skills of a teenage boy.
I clean myself and tidy/sort and have a cleaner in one day a week.
she literally keeps the most stupid things and left to get own devices wouldn’t clean or tidy at all. Her bedroom is like a student bedroom, I just shut the door, but I won’t allow it in the rest of the house, the only way I can throw away ‘her’ stuff (rubbish) is to do it stealthy or to take it all in a huge pile and go through it in front of her piece by piece and say ‘are you keeping this’?

I believe it’s a form of mental illness to be honest.

You poor thing, what a way to grow up. My Mum was keen on a clean house but not to a manic extent. I am not too bothered now, I do housework ad hoc when I see dust!

Wow, thank you for posting OP. I grew up in a very similar environment. My childhood was great in other ways but our home was always dirty and messy. It was generally chaotic with a lot of screaming and shouting and our personal hygiene wasn't great.
All of it has stayed with me and like others, I really have had to train myself to be tidier. I still struggle but am much better than I used to be. I had no idea at all when I first left home.
There is a shame that never goes away and it's hard not to feel resentment. I have a reasonable relationship with my parents now but the house is worse than it ever was and I find it stressful and difficult to be there.

My husbands home growing up was the same,didn’t even have proper bedding just old coats over them.
Now he is a clean freak,our house is like a show home and our 2 sons are the same,I love it though,he definitely does his fair share of housework if not more,oh and he loves ironing,even irons tea towels.

Yes I’m the same! I find keeping things clean and tidy difficult as I suppose I wasn’t really taught how…but I would never want my house to be embarrassing for my kids to bring friends over etc so I make extra effort (and have a cleaner) so it would hopefully not be like that
i think it’s probably normal to try and make up for things we didn’t like our parents doing by sort of being the opposite?

I'm a single parent and I do my best. The house isn't the cleanest and nor is it the tidiest but I do get fed up with it and deal with it and then start again. From a cleaning point of view, I am just one person. I am out of the house from 7:30am - 6pm most days. I also work in the evenings and do a second from home job as well. When it comes down to it, something has to 'give'. My children do not want for anything - clean clothes daily, clean sheets, clean towels, hair cut regularly, clubs and activities, etc. I think sometimes you have to look at what's going on behind the mess. It's not as easy as 'just clean it'.

check out personality disorders, there's many and sounds like these could have affected 1 or both of your parents. Narcissists cant show any emotion to anyone and live in a mess etc like you have said. there's also the borderline varieties. its quite common not to notice this until many many years later as it was kind of normal to you at the time. dont take it personally tho, it could be you or anyone else theyre treating the same