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Original poster

I just need to check before I have a difficult conversation

129 replies

Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:20

This is someone I'm involved with.

He drinks tins of lager every night, average of 6-8, if sport is on its often 10 or more.

If I mention his drinking he cuts it down for a few nights to 4.

He used to drink a lot of spirits and got verbally nasty with it. He said he would stop drinking spirits entirely after a night he can't remember where he was telling me I was worthless, that I was nothing and just generally being awful.

He has stopped spirits for the main part now, but the minute he is out with someone else he is back on them again.

If he has to drive somewhere he will, but open a can the minute he gets back.

He says he can happily go without and occasionally does, but its only ever for a day or 2.

He can consume a lot without getting drunk, but when he gets drunk he is argumentative.

On the very rare occasion we are out together I am abandoned while he goes drinking with others.

He is totally thoughtless towards me when he has a drink in him.

I have now stopped drinking because I don't want to end up in an argument. If I'm sober I just listen and be quiet until he falls asleep.

I know, deep down, I know, but I think I just need to hear it.

OP posts:
Miyazaker · 06/05/2022 12:21

Please get this man out of your life. You deserve more.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/05/2022 12:22

He has chosen alcohol over you. He won't change

Crunchymum · 06/05/2022 12:23

How involved with this man are you? Children? Living together? Shared finances?

bloodywhitecat · 06/05/2022 12:23

Your conversation needs to include the word "goodbye". He is not ready to change and until he is the relationship will continue in this downward spiral.

dudsville · 06/05/2022 12:23

I agree with the pp's, and alomost everyone will tell you the same. Leave. He loves alcohol and is ok with the fact that he treats you badly when he's had too much.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/05/2022 12:24

Do you live together?

You need to get out, he has issues which he needs to deal with if he wants to,he clearly doesn't at the moment.

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:25

We are living together. Shared finances. We don't have children together. I have older children who don't live at home, he has a younger child and no fixed contact schedule, he comes over for sporting events and he often mentions his dad's drinking.

OP posts:
Iamnotamermaid · 06/05/2022 12:26

I think this one is a lost cause. Flowers Unless there are compelling reasons to stay I would end this and walk away. He loves and values alcohol more than you.

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:26

This is my house in my name only, we split last year and he made a big effort to stop drinking then, I took him back and its slowly descended back into this again.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 06/05/2022 12:28

I think you know you need to ask him to leave. He is never going to change.

LIZS · 06/05/2022 12:47

He needs to accept he is an alcoholic and address it. You cannot do it for him and are enabling it. I suspect you are his childcare while he gets wasted. Tell him to go.

Lottapianos · 06/05/2022 12:50

He is an alcoholic and life with him sounds utterly miserable for you. You deserve so much better. You are nearly there. Go for it

Silversprinkles · 06/05/2022 12:51

Oh it's tough, but I agree those drinking levels indicate alcohol is the most important thing in his life, not you.

Time to split for good if he won't reduce consumption and stick with it (which is unlikely as he must be physically addicted and I would think will need professional help to do so).

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 06/05/2022 12:52

Well, now you absolutely know. It's not guesswork any more.

You know he cannot and will not stop drinking.

So you have a choice. Put up with it or put him out. Because you cannot fix it and, as he is showing you, he doesn't want to. He may change his mind in a year, a decade, never. But you don't have to wait and you can't really help.

The choice is all yours. He gets no input. Your shout

RoyKentsChestHair · 06/05/2022 12:52

LT Abusive Alcoholic B Flowers

Beautiful3 · 06/05/2022 12:53

He is an alcoholic. You don't have any kids together, if you did then social services would be involved. You literally have no excuses, you can leave. Go now and you'll meet someone better.

Purpleavocado · 06/05/2022 12:56

I'm sorry, but I think you already know he's an alcoholic. I would split up with him, this is no life for you. He might change, he might join alcoholics anonymous and clean up his life. Until then, you deserve better, and even if he does change, it's still up to you.

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:57

His son is a teenager, I don't have a lot to do with him due to some previous abusive behaviour by him. A year after I went no contact he apologised, and I accepted it, but I cant forget it, and what his dad enabled. I started allowing him back in the house again his dad wants me to fawn all over his son again and I just can't.

Even since the apology his dad is pretty awful.

For instance just the other week I said X thing to do is my favourite thing in the world.

A week later he showed me he was about to book tickets and I was so happy, then he laughed in my face and said it wasn't for me it was for him and his son.

Every time I try to talk he either walks off or says there's no point in discussing anything because I always think I'm right. We never get to the conclusion of any discussion though so goodness knows what he is going on about.

I used to plan all sorts of fun things for us, for the last year or so I've matched his energy and he doesn't like it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:59

I have told him he is problematic when drunk before. He has an alcoholic family member who is totally clean now, and he judges his intake by family members. He keeps his job, gets up at the crack of dawn every morning, never has a hangover etc so doesn't think its a problem.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 06/05/2022 13:00

The good thing is that the house is yours.
Kick the fucker out for good this time.

Blone · 06/05/2022 13:03

You poor thing that's no way to live and sadly I don't think he'll change.

Sapphire387 · 06/05/2022 13:05

Why are you even with this man? He's an alcoholic who treats you badly.

BronwenFrideswide · 06/05/2022 13:07

You say that you know but that you need to hear it OP, well hear it and please take heed - this man is not worth your time or energy, dump him and make sure he stays dumped.

In addition to being an alcoholic he is a nasty, spiteful piece of work as shown by the ticket booking episode. He doesn't like or value you at all, stop wasting your time.

ChurchlightJane · 06/05/2022 13:08

It sounds like the drinking isn't even the biggest problem with this chap. He's horribly abusive it would seem and your life would be better without him in it. You are worth so much more.

Badger1970 · 06/05/2022 13:08

You didn't cause his drinking, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

Don't waste your energy trying to make him better. You won't and you can't.

Time for that conversation, then you leave the past firmly behind you.

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