I just need to check before I have a difficult conversation

[Isthiswhatithink]

This is someone I'm involved with.

He drinks tins of lager every night, average of 6-8, if sport is on its often 10 or more.

If I mention his drinking he cuts it down for a few nights to 4.

He used to drink a lot of spirits and got verbally nasty with it. He said he would stop drinking spirits entirely after a night he can't remember where he was telling me I was worthless, that I was nothing and just generally being awful.

He has stopped spirits for the main part now, but the minute he is out with someone else he is back on them again.

If he has to drive somewhere he will, but open a can the minute he gets back.

He says he can happily go without and occasionally does, but its only ever for a day or 2.

He can consume a lot without getting drunk, but when he gets drunk he is argumentative.

On the very rare occasion we are out together I am abandoned while he goes drinking with others.

He is totally thoughtless towards me when he has a drink in him.

I have now stopped drinking because I don't want to end up in an argument. If I'm sober I just listen and be quiet until he falls asleep.

I know, deep down, I know, but I think I just need to hear it.

He is a functional alcoholic.

Get support from somebody else when you ask him to leave.

He needs to reach rock bottom to want to get better - you are not helping him by paying the bills and letting him stay in your house for free, you are enabling his behaviour.

I wouldn’t dwell too much on the affirmation “oh this has happened again, everybody abuses me”
—> you recognised there was a problem and gave him a chance to get better
—> you recognise now you need him out of your life.

Make new positive affirmations for yourself and go and be happy you deserve it. Everything will be ok.

I couldn’t put up with it but then I’m t total, mainly because I have dated my fair share of alcoholics and have worked in pubs seeing the same guys (and a few ladies) come in every single night and neck 8 pints or more, most of them still smelt of alcohol from the day before 🤢.

Please, if your not happy (and your not) with his life style and the way he treats you then leave, you deserve much better, it all men are like this and tbh I would rather be alone than be with someone who drinks every night and goes out on the puss with his mates more often than he takes me out.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if you have had a very tough time in so many different ways. He is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do - you need to leave him. Wishing you every strength and a happy future

Walk away. You can’t change someone like that and you deserve better

What a nasty thing to so. I would ditch him for this alone.

No wonder he's got no money. He must be spending a fortune on alcohol. Why are you subsidising this habit? Don't you need the money ?

I mean, the only difficult conversation that should be happening is that you're leaving him. Sorry that you had to put up with this awful situation.

Please see your own GP and ask for support around your own mental health. Ask for counselling.

From what you have said about your past, it looks as if you have never had any examples of loving relationships.

This could mean you are unsure of what boundaries to put in place in your own relationships.

You seek out 'broken men' or they seek you- and you accept the crumbs they offer because you have no self worth and don't feel you are worth more.

This is why you have had to ask online for validation of this 'conversation' you want to have.

Please don't be one of those women for whom any man is better than none.

Set yourself some small goals, like walking for 20 mins a day, making one small change to what you eat, get yourself fitter, and look forwards to a new life.

This was my entire childhood.
My dad would go to work by 5:30am and then come home between 5:30-6:00pm. He owned the business, lots of pressure, I’m sure.
The very first thing he’d do when he walked in the door was make a cocktail - then he’d shower. Then he’d continue with the cocktails until he went to bed, including during dinner.
He was never abusive or violent - always sat silently in front of the tv, day in & day out. On occasion, he & Mum would argue & he behaved in a juvenile way calling her horrible names and doing stupid things like putting a coathanger under the sheets on her side of the bed. He only said bad things to her in front of me, because he thought I was too little to understand - but I remember.
Then, at 60, he just stopped drinking & smoking. He just stopped. My mum had hung in with him all those years.

So a person can change — it’s possible. But do you really want to wait decades to see if maybe it’ll happen? Because it might not.
I don’t think I could do it, no matter how much I loved someone.

He made a sacrifice you didn't ask him to make (leaving his wife) and then expected you to be grateful for it and has continually used the 'debt' of that sacrifice as a stick to beat you with.

He is not a healthy, safe partner. Especially for someone who has experienced as much trauma as you, for which I'm so very sorry.

You've been dealt some unfathomably cruel hands in life but are still clearly a capable and kind person.

Your life will be better without having to manage the emotional abuse of an alcoholic.

I’m so sorry, OP. You’ve been through more than anyone could reasonably bear and now you have this horrible man taking up space in your life and sucking your self-esteem. Doesn’t really matter if he’s an alcoholic (he is), that he has nowhere to go (not your fault) or that he did some practical supportive things while you were ill (as anyone ought to). You deserve much better than the bare fucking minimum of “not as bad as your abusive ex”.

Tell him to go. Gather your strength. Then try to trust enough to make better friends.

He does have a problem though and he can't stop. His relationship is being negatively affected by his drinking and he is being abusive to his partner when he's drinking but he hasn't stopped drinking.

I was with an abusive alcoholic for years before meeting my now husband. In the early days with my husband he had a few drinks one night and I was utterly terrified. He'd done nothing wrong at all, it was all just me and my fear from my previous relationship. But my husband hasn't drunk alcohol since because he cares about me more than he cares about alcohol. 20 years now. Your bloke doesn't I'm sorry to say.

If this doesn't change would you be happy to be in the same situation or an even worse one 10 years down the line? He's an alcoholic and unless he chooses to address this then there is nothing you can do or say that will make any difference. You deserve better

You deserve better.

OP, please get rid of this awful man. You deserve better.

Frankly he sounds like a nasty bastard with or without drinking.
His son does too.
Seriously you know what you need to do.

Thank you all.

I know it's all true.

Hes come home from work all happy and cheerful as usual, I don't know how I'm going to start this conversation, he's so awful at talking, usually when he shuts down and walks away when I'm saying something he doesn't like I have to text him just to get it all out so I may have to do that.

I've tried counselling before, I just don't know where to start, there's too much and I cant deal with it, nothing will change what has happened.

I did the freedom programme after I left my abusive ex, I just didn't see this coming with him, even now I can see what's happened I feel endebted to him which is ridiculous.

I'm so sorry that some of you have also been here. It's rubbish.

I'm not unhappy most of the time, but I'm not happy either, just sort of there feeling despondent.

A far more likely scenario is that his wife finally reached the end of her tether and kicked him out. And I don't blame her.

You need to do the same.

Abusers very often home in on people who are vulnerable and/or have been abused before, and it is easy to get sucked in, and not realise because they are so different from the previous abusive partner.

"I know, deep down, I know, but I think I just need to hear it."

Split again. Throw him out. Change the locks. NEVER take him back again. This is who he is, a nasty man whose primary relationship is with alcohol, not you. Set yourself free and get rid.

Your story is heartbreaking, you poor woman.

He is an abusive alcoholic and you and your home are being used.

I realty hope you get him out.

You deserve so much better.

Where he goes is not your responsibility or concern.

Please call the police if he won't leave YOUR home.

Wishing you strength.

I'm so sorry for your losses and abusive relationships.

Please get this man out of your house.

Please remember you do not have to have a conversation with him. That implies there is going to be some going and froing. You do not need to explain yourself, or get him to agree or accept your point of view. Do not ask him to leave. You tell him to leave your house.

Tell him this is not working for you and you expect him to pack his bags and leave. Call the police if he gets aggressive in any way.

Please make this be the first step in taking control of your life. You deserve nothing but kindness and happiness.

When we had been dating a few months my coil failed and I had an abortion. He wanted to keep the pregnancy, I didn't, I was too old, have been through too much and didn't want to be tied down with a baby again, and not to him.

When I was in a state about this I told him about an abortion my abuser gave me when I was 12.

He has implied now that he will tell my children about both instances, and how I aborted his much wanted child.

Hes not a good person.

He knows what I have been through and is choosing to put me through more anyway.

He has implied now that he will tell my children about both instances, and how I aborted his much wanted child.

"That's a disgusting threat to make, it just convinces me I'm right to need you gone. Get packing. I don't care what you say & neither will anyone else. If you are not gone in 10 minutes, the police will be arriving to escort you off my property."

I don’t think I can add much to the excellent points and advice others have made, but here goes anyway. First, speaking as a health care professional, he is an alcoholic and alcohol evidently comes first in his list of priorities. Alcoholics can be good at turning on the pathos just so people back off- and so they can get back to drinking. Somehow you have ended up thinking you owe him, when really you don’t, and the simple fact that he is dragging you down is enough justification for you to get rid. Don’t feel you have to morally justify ending your relationship, either to yourself or to him. He’s bad for you and you’ve had enough. You don’t have to enable him anymore.

I've tried counselling before, I just don't know where to start, there's too much and I cant deal with it, nothing will change what has happened.

No one can change the past.

What you can do is learn to deal with it, recognise how you react to certain people and situations, and avoid those in the future.

Sadly, you have a life of being abused, either by people you couldn't choose to have in your life, or those you could. Counselling will help you raise your self esteem so you spot these abusers before they get too close to you.

For example, you would have spotted the 'grooming' and love bombing of a man who was already married. He chose you because he could sense your vulnerability. He preyed on you and you fell for it.

This was not your fault. But you need help to unravel why you did fall for him, and not to make those mistakes again. Your posts show- you said it- that you can't believe it when a 'good guy' says things as you feel you don't deserve that.

You are only 45. Another 40 years ahead to make your life happier and fulfilling.

Get yourself a plan. Start with telling him to go. If he walks away from that conversation, tell him he has a deadline- whatever it is- and after that you will clear his things out and change the locks. Get a friend round when you have that conversation.

Threatening you like that is absolute blackmail. And remember that terminating a pregnancy is NOT a crime nor anything to be ashamed of. I doubt he'll carry through, but if he does your DC are old enough for a rational discussion about why someone might choose to terminate and why it is the right and only decision in situations like yours, both of them. The fact that he said that is enough ON ITS OWN to tell him to GTFO tonight. It's the icing on the shitcake of his drinking and other behaviour far as I'm concerned.

As pp said, tell him to leave NOW and if he doesn't you call the police. In fact, where I live in the US if an individual has a tiny inkling that the abuser (because that's what he is) will act up, they're encouraged to call the police before telling someone to leave, especially if that person has been drinking. Our County Sheriff's office has even been known to send a deputy round to 'assist in the departure'.