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Original poster

I just need to check before I have a difficult conversation

129 replies

Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:20

This is someone I'm involved with.

He drinks tins of lager every night, average of 6-8, if sport is on its often 10 or more.

If I mention his drinking he cuts it down for a few nights to 4.

He used to drink a lot of spirits and got verbally nasty with it. He said he would stop drinking spirits entirely after a night he can't remember where he was telling me I was worthless, that I was nothing and just generally being awful.

He has stopped spirits for the main part now, but the minute he is out with someone else he is back on them again.

If he has to drive somewhere he will, but open a can the minute he gets back.

He says he can happily go without and occasionally does, but its only ever for a day or 2.

He can consume a lot without getting drunk, but when he gets drunk he is argumentative.

On the very rare occasion we are out together I am abandoned while he goes drinking with others.

He is totally thoughtless towards me when he has a drink in him.

I have now stopped drinking because I don't want to end up in an argument. If I'm sober I just listen and be quiet until he falls asleep.

I know, deep down, I know, but I think I just need to hear it.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/05/2022 13:09

Why are you with this prick?
Do you have low self esteem, feel you can't do any better?
Get rid, if I was going out with someone like this his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

CheesyWeez · 06/05/2022 13:09

Sorry that this is happening to you OP. Put yourself first.

6-8 tins of lager every night? eh?
How dare he laugh in your face about the tickets. Deliberately nasty.

He could choose not to go the same way as his father, and he could choose not to encourage it in his son. But he hasn't.

You do know what you need to do, sorry that you have to do that now. Rip the plaster off. Do it, we are all confirming that you need to do it.

By tomorrow night you could be watching what you want on your telly, peacefully, no arguments, and no sea of lager cans on your sofa. Won't that be lovely Flowers

mistermagpie · 06/05/2022 13:09

Is there some reason why you need need to be with this man? What on earth are you getting out of it?

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 13:10

He gave up a lot to be with me in the beginning.

I made a lot of allowances for that.

He supported me in a very practical way through a health condition I had, but there was no emotional support there at all (in fact this was the time when his son was being abusive to me). If I needed a lift he was there, no question. If I needed a lie in, he got up early and did all the housework. If I wanted to express concern, or cry he got annoyed.

Since my health condition I can no longer work which makes life a lot more difficult for me.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 06/05/2022 13:10

He is an alcoholic. Get him out of your life.

hattie43 · 06/05/2022 13:11

Why are you even with him

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 13:14

My self esteem is non existent at this point.

Abusive childhood, followed up by my child dying, followed up by an abusive marriage, another of my children died, I'm nc with my whole family, I lost all my friends through my abusive marriage and then my children dying made my mental health shot to pieces, I don't make friends with people anymore because I can't deal with losing anyone else.

He came along and made these big declarations of love, followed up by actions, and now we are here somehow.

OP posts:
Ilady · 06/05/2022 13:16

Your not happy at the moment because of his behaviour and he won't change as mean drunks never do.
My advice is to end things with him and get him to leave your house. I change the locks also so he can't get back in. All he cares about is drinking and he is then giving you dogs abuse when drunk. He will continue to put his drinking first.

LetitiaLeghorn · 06/05/2022 13:17

He's an alcoholic. Sadly he wants alcohol more than he loves you and his child. Until he truly comes to terms with that, he's not going to change. He can give up, he's shown you that, but he needs to do give up forever and, for whatever reason, he can't do that. As you saw before, you splitting made him sort himself out; staying let him sink back into horrible behaviour.
So, honestly, ending it would be the best outcome for you all - his child included.

itsmeagainlol · 06/05/2022 13:18

This will get worse never better

myceliumama · 06/05/2022 13:18

This man is a parasite. He is distracting you with occasional crumbs of kindness/help and then while you are distracted, he is feeding off your self worth and dependence on him. He treats you badly INTENTIONALLY and then when you get so ground down he throws you a crumb (reducing drinking) to keep you in line and then reverts back to bad behaviour.

This is very unhealthy for you. Please find the strength to end this relationship. If is about money/support then get rid of him but get a lodger of a similar age. You really need to get him out.

WonderingWanda · 06/05/2022 13:24

Op this doesn't sound like any kind of life for you. He is an alcoholic in denial so this won't get better. You sound like you've had a rotten life and I get that it's hard to make a break when you are feeling down but honestly you will be able to start your life anew without him, rather than just sitting at home watching him drink. Be brave and go for it!

IncompleteSenten · 06/05/2022 13:25

He's a piece of shit.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It doesn't change the core of who you are, no matter how much people who are nasty cunts when drunk try to convince themselves otherwise.

Ballcactus · 06/05/2022 13:26

Detach in love- for yourself.

Sparkletastic · 06/05/2022 13:27

What would be your financial position once he leaves - can you cope with just your benefits or might you need to consider moving / getting a lodger?

viques · 06/05/2022 13:28

An alcoholic who drives after drinking, who laughs at you, allowed his son to be mean and abusive to you….., clearly a prince. I know you say he was good when you were unwell, but you still have health issues that stop you from working and he isn’t being supportive now is he? It sounds as though he is actually causing you much more stress by being in your house than the stress you would initially feel if you told him to leave.

ValerieDoonican · 06/05/2022 13:30

You have had an awful, awful time. I am so sorry to hear about it. Even a wonderful man could not really make you better - if at all possible, you need (and deserve) to get some professional support to rebuild your lovely, battered self and find a way forward in peace.

This man is the absolute opposite of what you need. Be kind to yourself and show him the door.

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 13:31

I think because my childhood was so abusive, and then my marriage was very physically, mentally, financially, sexually abusive, he doesn't seem as bad. When he is kind he is very kind.

He reminds me a lot about how he isn't like my exes, and, in truth, he isn't as bad, I don't have bruises, I don't have to have the house immaculate, he doesn't make me sleep on the floor etc, but I do have low self esteem, and I do have strategies to cope when he gets drunk and nasty.

I wonder if "not as bad as my ex" is the best that I can do sometimes.

My health condition has made me gain massive amounts of weight, and prevents me from exercising so I won't get slimmer.

I cant believe I'm back here again, 45 years of life, full of abuse for no bloody reason.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/05/2022 13:35

LIZS · 06/05/2022 12:47

He needs to accept he is an alcoholic and address it. You cannot do it for him and are enabling it. I suspect you are his childcare while he gets wasted. Tell him to go.

I agree completely, @LIZS. I do believe that he could change, if he accepted he is an alcoholic, and got the help he needs - and maybe he would be a different, better person if he wasn't drinking - but his recovery is his responsibility, and I agree with all the posters who have said you do not need this man in your life, @Isthiswhatithink.

AlisonDonut · 06/05/2022 13:42

What is it you need to check and what conversation is it that you need to have?

OriginalFloorboards · 06/05/2022 13:45

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/05/2022 12:22

He has chosen alcohol over you. He won't change

This.

bloodywhitecat · 06/05/2022 13:47

"I wonder if 'not as bad as my ex" is the best that I can do sometimes."

You can do better and you deserve better. Sending you a bloody great big bunch of Flowers and a big unmumsnetty hug.

Original poster
Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 13:47

I think he's an alcoholic and he needs to leave.

He says he doesn't have a problem as he can stop and that he works and doesn't get hangovers.

If he leaves he can't afford his own place, he will have to move in with a family member into a house that makes a health condition of his worse. I feel somewhat responsible, he has masses and masses of debt and I've been paying most of the bills so he can get out of debt. I know if I kick him out he won't be able to get a place of his own for probably 2 years or more.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 06/05/2022 13:48

You're held in this relationship by fear and guilt. Yes, you do deserve better. After all you've been through, you deserve to be treated well. This man is a functioning alcoholic and he IS abusive. Good luck. You're finding your way.

SunshineCake · 06/05/2022 13:48

Bad things happen to good people. It doesn't mean all you deserve is bad stuff. Get rid of him. Right now. You will feel so much lighter. Value yourself as much as he calories drinking.

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