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Original poster

I just need to check before I have a difficult conversation

129 replies

Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 12:20

This is someone I'm involved with.

He drinks tins of lager every night, average of 6-8, if sport is on its often 10 or more.

If I mention his drinking he cuts it down for a few nights to 4.

He used to drink a lot of spirits and got verbally nasty with it. He said he would stop drinking spirits entirely after a night he can't remember where he was telling me I was worthless, that I was nothing and just generally being awful.

He has stopped spirits for the main part now, but the minute he is out with someone else he is back on them again.

If he has to drive somewhere he will, but open a can the minute he gets back.

He says he can happily go without and occasionally does, but its only ever for a day or 2.

He can consume a lot without getting drunk, but when he gets drunk he is argumentative.

On the very rare occasion we are out together I am abandoned while he goes drinking with others.

He is totally thoughtless towards me when he has a drink in him.

I have now stopped drinking because I don't want to end up in an argument. If I'm sober I just listen and be quiet until he falls asleep.

I know, deep down, I know, but I think I just need to hear it.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 06/05/2022 14:30

OP what a tragic life you've had and I am so sorry you are still allowing yourself to be treated so badly.
Surely you deserve a bit of happiness.💐

KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 14:46

Isthiswhatithink · 06/05/2022 13:56

I'll be honest here.

He was married when we met.

He pursued me and I refused to do anything, I blocked him on everything, he came into my work, sent flowers, showed up at my house etc.

One night I was out at an event, he showed up, I stupidly told him if he was single I would probably be with him.

A week later he appeared at my door with his bags saying he left his wife for me. It was a bloody awful time, I was blamed for everything although I had done nothing with him at all, not even texts or calls or anything that could be construed as an emotional affair. His wife moved on within 3 months (engaged and pregnant) so after 4 or 5 months we began seeing each other. Then lockdown happened, he moved in and just sort of never moved out again.

I feel that he gave up his home/family/friends to be with me and I feel responsible because I said if he were single....

Reading between the lines now, after seeing how quickly the ex moved on, I think there were troubles in the marriage anyway, and I somehow got entwined in it all.

JFC.

OP, if you get one thing straight in your head this afternoon,please let it be this:
"He gave up a lot to be with me in the beginning."
NO. HE. DID. NOT.
He saw a mark with a house who he could start using as soon as his wife would no longer tolerate his shit.

You did not "somehow get entwined with it all". You were targeted by a predatory booze-hound.

I can't even ... am sorry, so sorry about the loss of your children. And the horrible background you have survived. But am starting to feel a little triggered, apologies as this is NOT about me, so am cutting to the chase now:

There is no need to have a "difficult conversation".
You tell him - straight up - "this is no longer working for me. I do not want to be involved with an alcoholic, I do not want to hear any more about it, & you need to move out this weekend."

That is ALL you say. Repeat it if necessary. But try not to - because he will be going all out to keep you engaged, so he can talk you out of it.

You know what he is going to say & do - he is going to make you feel responsible, & will use all the things you referenced about his housing situation once he's no longer able to cocklodge off you stay at your house.

If he refuses to leave? - "as I said, this is no longer working for me, & I need you to leave this weekend. If you refuse, or even carry on making a fuss about it now instead of packing & going, I will call the police. This is my house, you have no rights, you need to go & stay with one of your relatives while you sort out your drinking problem."

Go out yourself to get away from him if necessary.
The cops WILL help you.
If you are wise - you will put in a quiet call to your local station today. Tell them the absolute truth - that you are asking your abusive, alcoholic ex-boyfriend to move out of your home, that you are concerned that he will refuse, or get nasty - & please can they provide you with advice, support, & reassurance that you can call a special number if you need them over the weekend.

SailingNotSurfing · 06/05/2022 14:47

Kick him out. You are worth more than this.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 14:50

Apologies - re: "call a special number" - am sure PP can advise, but I THINK it is called something like "put a tag on your number" so it is recognised as a Domestic Abuse Situation if you need to ring.

Also - rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/What-Are-My-Legal-Options.pdf
I want my partner to leave the
family home, can I force him to
leave?
If your partner has no right to live in the
family home then you can ask the police
to help you remove him from the home or
refuse him entry to your home. You may
choose to apply for a non-molestation
order to forbid him from coming within a
certain distance of your home.

Silversprinkles · 06/05/2022 14:53

These types are hobosexuals - when one relationship ends and they have an "accommodation emergency", they quickly find a woman to fall in love with. "No man falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live".

This needs to be pinned at the top of Relationships. So very very true!!

CountessOfSponheim · 06/05/2022 14:53

Once you've got rid of him, look at getting yourself onto a Freedom Programme course. Will help you to spot physically or emotionally abusive cocklodgers before they get their hooks into you during the initial lovebombing stage.

Silversprinkles · 06/05/2022 14:58

*OP, if you get one thing straight in your head this afternoon,please let it be this:
"He gave up a lot to be with me in the beginning."
NO. HE. DID. NOT.
He saw a mark with a house who he could start using as soon as his wife would no longer tolerate his shit.

You did not "somehow get entwined with it all". You were targeted by a predatory booze-hound*

I've just read your updates and im so so sorry about the loss of your children, utterly devastating. You've had such a tough life. I can see why any little bits of kindness wld go a long way.
But you need to recognise you are NOT responsible for him, his choices, his debt, his behaviour or his future.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 06/05/2022 15:03

If he leaves he can't afford his own place, he will have to move in with a family member into a house that makes a health condition of his worse. I feel somewhat responsible, he has masses and masses of debt and I've been paying most of the bills so he can get out of debt. I know if I kick him out he won't be able to get a place of his own for probably 2 years or more.

THIS IS WHY HE IS STAYING WITH YOU.

Please do yourself (and him) a favour. Kick him to the kerb. You deserve so much better and he needs to get his ass in order instead of finding someone to do it for him.

DomesticatedZombie · 06/05/2022 15:12

OP, you are breaking my heart.

Please take steps to find the help you need, and deserve. There are plenty of people out there who can and will help. You've been through so much, I really found it hard to read your posts. Flowers

(And obviously get rid of this man, that goes without saying, don't waste a second more of your time, life or energy on him).

LunaTheCat · 06/05/2022 15:14

OP your loveliness and kindness shines through.
At 45 years you have heaps of living ahead.
Abuse is a pattern, trauma is a pattern.
tell people in real life what is happening.
you deserve more than this.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 06/05/2022 15:17

My step-father was an alcoholic. He eventually drank himself to death but not before he'd mentally and emotionally scared us all and run up massive debts my mother was left to pay.

She got a lot of help and support from Al-anon Uk so it might be worth taking a look and seeing how they could help you too.

GodspeedJune · 06/05/2022 15:18

Where he lives and his debt aren’t your problem. The fact he left his marriage isn’t your responsibility. Don’t wait for him to be sober, alcoholics are never truly sober. Just kick him out and get your locks changed. I agree with PPs that men like him are leeches and he’ll have lined up another woman/ victim before you can blink.

This man is draining you and I guarantee your life will be so much more enjoyable without him in it.

If the thought of being single is keeping you there, you’re missing the chance of meeting someone lovely who will treat you well while wasting time with him. Get some counselling for your self-esteem and the trauma you’ve lived through first Flowers . You may find after that, being alone isn’t so daunting, but if you want to meet someone new you’ll be much more able to spot red flags.

amusedbush · 06/05/2022 15:18

If he leaves he can't afford his own place, he will have to move in with a family member

That sounds very much like a "him" problem. You're not responsible for him - not his debt, not his drinking, not his decision to leave his wife.

This man is adding absolutely no value to your life so he needs to go.

Ellie56 · 06/05/2022 15:20

Why do you even need to check?

Just because you were with a Level 10 abusive shit before doesn't mean you now have to settle for the Level 6 abusive shit who comes along afterwards.

Stop putting up with this alcoholic abusive knob and his ghastly son.You are not responsible for his debts, his drinking or his housing problems.

Pack his bags and dump him now. You can do better.

BowerOfBramble · 06/05/2022 15:20

It sounds like you've had a life so far FULL of people who are willing to put the blame on you for their shit. So I'm here to tell you - NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You didn't ask him to leave his wife, you weren't even seeing him. You don't ask him to drink. You don't even expect him to cover his costs. He's the villain here. Call the police non-emergency and have him gone by Monday.

Tell me three ways his absence would improve your life - I'll start, less recycling!

BowerOfBramble · 06/05/2022 15:21

Also read this PSA www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

MoonminMummy9 · 06/05/2022 15:25

Next time if you need a life, you can get a taxi/ Uber

If you need some cleaning, get an ad-hoc cleaner

Get this man out of your life.
Don't make it a co-dependency situation

He will likely to die from liver problems. Accept that. It's from the cumulative effect from his drinking. He knows this but he needs to make changes to stop.

MoonminMummy9 · 06/05/2022 15:26

Lift

MardyOldGoth · 06/05/2022 15:41

He says he doesn't have a problem as he can stop

...but he hasn't, despite knowing how you feel about it, because your feelings aren't important enough to him.

SunshineCake · 06/05/2022 15:43

I doubt his wife was that sad to see him go so I wouldn't waste any more time feeling responsible or that he gave up a lot to be with you. He really didn't. Don't fall for the suck costs fallacy. He won't change so you need to or put up with this forever. He's not that special that he comes before you and is deserving of all you give him more than you deserve all the crap he brings to your life.

RedToothBrush · 06/05/2022 15:50

This isn't a conversation about how much he drinks.

Its a conversation about why you stay with him.

He loves alcohol, not you.

caringcarer · 06/05/2022 15:50

You gave him a final chance last year and he blew it because he is an addict and will always put alcohol first and ahead of you. Be very glad you don't have an children together. You are in a strong position as you own the house. Ask him to leave and by totally block him out of your life. Only in way to do it. Don't let him manipulate you and wheedle his way back in. He won't change while with you. I am certain you deserve more. Someone to share you life not ruin it.

tortadicarote · 06/05/2022 15:55

What's done is done. He made the decision to leave his wife, and from the speed with which she moved on, I think you're correct that things were already bad between then, probably for the same reasons that you're now realising you'd be better off without him.

You deserve better. Don't let him stay out of guilt, because his problems are of his own making. If he treated you decently, you wouldn't need to cut him out of your life. He's the one making the decisions that are driving you to this, and he's already shown that he's not willing to make a lasting change.

caringcarer · 06/05/2022 15:55

You are not responsible for his debt, his addiction or his future. Look after yourself. He has played on your vulnerability. There really are so many nice men out there who would focus on cherishing you not manipulating you. Kick him out.

kateandme · 06/05/2022 15:56

Oh op.you been through it.hve you got support.have you got medical team support too.youvehad a real shocking time and I'm sorry for what life handed you.
But that means that even MORE now you do not deserve this.it means your fucking tough so you can be now.all you've gotten through you can do this.do not accept this.nor think it's deserved.
For anyone.
Especially you.
You can have a better life than this.
You deserve it.
It is possible.
Your own recovery is so worth it.
Don't fear what s next.go for it.look forward to being you and free.this man is a shit.a wicked cruel shit.you do not deserve that pain.fight just once more for your freedom.what if u could?what if you could feel free?