I just need to check before I have a difficult conversation

[Isthiswhatithink]

This is someone I'm involved with.

He drinks tins of lager every night, average of 6-8, if sport is on its often 10 or more.

If I mention his drinking he cuts it down for a few nights to 4.

He used to drink a lot of spirits and got verbally nasty with it. He said he would stop drinking spirits entirely after a night he can't remember where he was telling me I was worthless, that I was nothing and just generally being awful.

He has stopped spirits for the main part now, but the minute he is out with someone else he is back on them again.

If he has to drive somewhere he will, but open a can the minute he gets back.

He says he can happily go without and occasionally does, but its only ever for a day or 2.

He can consume a lot without getting drunk, but when he gets drunk he is argumentative.

On the very rare occasion we are out together I am abandoned while he goes drinking with others.

He is totally thoughtless towards me when he has a drink in him.

I have now stopped drinking because I don't want to end up in an argument. If I'm sober I just listen and be quiet until he falls asleep.

I know, deep down, I know, but I think I just need to hear it.

His problems are not your responsibility to fix

This is really sad.

Sad for you as you are bearing the brunt of his addiction.
Sad for him as he won't own it, and get help. He's on a slippery slope to an early death.

All you can do is end the relationship but perhaps try once more to tell him to seek help, starting with his GP or Al Anon.

That is not your problem though. He has used money to fund his drinking habits rather than his debt.

I'm so sad reading this. Somehow he has doled out limited amounts of kindness, and in return you are covering his living costs and helping him get out of debt while putting up with vile abusive behaviour.

It would be far cheaper to pay a cleaner than to keep him and his unpleasant child.

He says he doesn't have a problem as he can stop and that he works and doesn't get hangover.

Functioning alcoholics can take their drink and work.

If he could stop, he would. He can't. What he is doing is what some alcoholics do- stop for a day or two then go back to it.

I feel very sorry for him as all addiction is a mental health issue. It's the same as drugs or eating disorders.

You need to get support for yourself. Ask your GP to refer you for counselling to help your self esteem. Ask for support to lose weight. Weight is 80% food and 20% exercise. So you can control what you choose to eat.

And you could think about finding work where you could work from home.

Stop writing yourself off at 45. You can have a future if you want it and ask for help.

He is an alcoholic, he is abusive to you and you are wasting your life with him. You cannot solve his problems and addiction for him. You can, however, choose not to be a part of what sounds like an entirely miserable relationship.

You deserve better than this.

I'll be honest here.

He was married when we met.

He pursued me and I refused to do anything, I blocked him on everything, he came into my work, sent flowers, showed up at my house etc.

One night I was out at an event, he showed up, I stupidly told him if he was single I would probably be with him.

A week later he appeared at my door with his bags saying he left his wife for me. It was a bloody awful time, I was blamed for everything although I had done nothing with him at all, not even texts or calls or anything that could be construed as an emotional affair. His wife moved on within 3 months (engaged and pregnant) so after 4 or 5 months we began seeing each other. Then lockdown happened, he moved in and just sort of never moved out again.

I feel that he gave up his home/family/friends to be with me and I feel responsible because I said if he were single....

Reading between the lines now, after seeing how quickly the ex moved on, I think there were troubles in the marriage anyway, and I somehow got entwined in it all.

Oh, thats awful OP. I am so sorry about your children
This man basically groomed you
He sounds awful even when sober, please please get rid of him. He adds nothing but pain to your life and you had had more than enough of that

my heart goes out to you, what a difficult time you’ve had. And you are deserving of so much more.

Imagine how amazing your life would be without him in it!

Youre the same age as me, and have so much time and life left to live.

time for him to go.

get a gp referral for your local gym who will design you a fitness program suited to your needs. You CAN do so much. You really can.

you could join your local library- a wonderful way to join gently activities in your local area. I bet there is a walking club. You could volunteer locally. You have so much to give people as it shines through your kindness on this thread.

His finances and how he sorts them out are not your responsibility. He has made that part of his life difficult for himself. Picture yourself without the stress of his drinking and maybe moving on and finding happiness with someone who puts you first. Aim higher. You only get one life.

If he leaves he can't afford his own place, he will have to move in with a family member into a house that makes a health condition of his worse. I feel somewhat responsible, he has masses and masses of debt and I've been paying most of the bills so he can get out of debt. I know if I kick him out he won't be able to get a place of his own for probably 2 years or more.

None of this is your responsibility at all.
His life choices led him to get into debt. OK, I appreciate that people can get into debt through bad luck too. But at the end of the day he has chosen to drink that much and is continuing to choose to do this.
What he does when you kick him out is not your responsibility at all. It is not your fault if he then has to move in with a family to a house where his health condition worsens. He can choose to live somewhere else if he can find somewhere. But none of it your problem to solve. Not your problem if he can't get a place of his own for 2 years or so.

That sounds harsh but he's shown you who he is. He is abusive to you when he is drunk. He is making your life a living hell and making you ill as well as you paying his way while he gets out of debt (but that doesn't include cutting back on booze to save money).

My ex was exactly like this with drink. And he had issues with his family and all the rest of it and would have no place to go and blah blah. All of it is emotional manipulation. Yes, my ex has mental health issues due to the way his family abused him but after five years of toing and froing with him, I ended up a shell of my former self and it ended up more and more difficult to get rid of him. He would get wasted, trigger arguments, say I was ugly and he didn't find me attractive, then he'd say he was leaving to take up with some woman or other he'd been WhatsApping for a bit. Then he'd be back after a couple of weeks begging me to take him back and promising me the world.
And many people on MN don't understand how hard it is to get rid of a fucker like this... because they've never had their self-esteem so systematically wrecked (deliberately) by a partner that kicking them out and starting afresh is terrifying.

I can promise you that if you do get rid of him, you will have hard times and you will struggle but in the long-run (and it might take a few years) you will come back stronger than ever before and you will be better off in every way.

And do not worry about what your ex is going to do for one second.... these types quickly find some woman to take them in with various sob stories. Mine has moved on to someone who is nearly 25 years older than him (I was 10 years older and he constantly used this to bash me with - old and ugly, want new pretty girlfriend). He's now living in a flash house with her. He basically swooped in on her less than a month after her husband left her out of the blue. These types are hobosexuals - when one relationship ends and they have an "accommodation emergency", they quickly find a woman to fall in love with. "No man falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live".

He is not a good guy.

you didnt ask him to do any of that!
His wife probably wanted to get rid of him and he saw you as the next convenient victim
His finances arent your problem either, he would be in a much worse position if you hadnt let him live with you so you have given him a reprieve from living with his family thats all

You say you know deep down.

Write those thoughts out. Take them out of your head and put them on paper.

Now imagine your best friend told you those things.

What would your advice be to her?

Thank you all. I needed to hear it.

My brain sort of takes the good bits and intensifies them so the bad bits don't seem as bad.

I cant believe I've allowed this to happen again.

I'm going to need to find a time when he isn't drinking and talk to him.

Sadly when this happens he walks away, then forgets and tells me not to dwell on things, he says we are very different people because I cling onto stuff from the past and he just gets on with things, but I've never once mistreated him.

In an odd way I sort of felt relief when he started being verbally abusive. When I've dated in the past I get really weird about it if they are too nice, I feel more comfortable if their flaws/abuse is clear to me because I don't have to look for it, or wonder when it's coming.

A week later he appeared at my door with his bags saying he left his wife for me. It was a bloody awful time, I was blamed for everything although I had done nothing with him at all, not even texts or calls or anything that could be construed as an emotional affair. His wife moved on within 3 months (engaged and pregnant) so after 4 or 5 months we began seeing each other. Then lockdown happened, he moved in and just sort of never moved out again

You updated while I was posting my long post.
Just confirms what I was thinking.
Classic hobosexual behaviour.
It sounds like their marriage was on the rocks anyway, otherwise his wife couldn't have moved on that quickly. Perhaps she had already told him he needed to leave. Perhaps she was having an affair with the other guy and your bloke knew about it.
This meant that he had what I term a looming "accommodation emergency". He started grooming you - looking for his next person to ensure he wouldn't end up homeless or end up back with the family member you mentioned. Once it's got that far with you his relationship with the ex magically ends and he shows up on your doorstep claiming to have left the wife for you. Then he's moved in by stealth and there you have it - hobosexual/cocklodger.

I wish they would teach people at school in PHSE (or whatever it is called these days) about this sort of thing and how to identify cocklodgers - and not just teach people how to put condoms on.

He groomed you to give him an out from his marriage. If you put pressure on him now, he'll start lining someone else up. That's who he is.

It isn't who you are. Kick him out.

""I'm going to need to find a time when he isn't drinking and talk to him."

No you don't. Pack his stuff, change your locks. You asked him before, he doesn't go.

Have you got a friend you can ask to be with you?

I’ll bet she moved on. You took the trash out for her.

No man equals no abuse equals better than where you are now.

I feel sorry for you that you think he gave up so much for you so you owe him when really he was probably already on the way to being dumped and looking to cocklodge. Wise up. No man is better than a bad man.

Yep.. you know what you need to do. he will never ever change.
Don't waste your life on this person. Good luck for your future.

So the fuck what? It's not your problem.

What are you wanting from this thread OP. It's staring you in the face.

Before you have a 'chat' i.e. tell him it's over and leave - you need a plan.

He will most likely apologise, say he'll change ............. but you have been down that road before and he defaulted back to alcohol.

Get your ducks in a row, finances locked down, locksmith booked etc.

You need to be firm and consistent

He has a drink problem. You don't.

He is abusive. You're not.

He prioritises himself over you. You are allowing yourself to be belittled.

You need to get out, OP.

I know it's not easy. I say the same thing to my Dad every week, who's fiance drinks 2 large bottles of gin a week plus countless bottles of wine, drunk every night and is argumentative, abusive, belittling & mean. She smashes his things and goads him for physical fights, calling him a coward when he refuses to engage, but he just takes it and allows her to hurt him over and over again.

THEY. WILL. NOT. CHANGE.

Put yourself first for once, OP. Don't waste another day of your life on this mean spirited, nasty man who is in utter denial.

What happens to him when he leave isn't your issue.

Just get him out of there.

I'm sorry about your children, you've really been through it