Freaking out that move was a mistake

[waterrat]

Just made a huge move with husband and kids. Moved from large city to very popular seaside town....my obsessive dream for years.

I love the town and we now have a lovely rental on a great family road. People are friendly. But I am stunned by how heartbroken we all feel. My 9 year old is in pieces he keeps saying but we had such a great life. Younger child is okay but has gone very quiet. They had a really lovely circle of friends. Both children left behind friends of entire lifetime. We had an amazing community in thr city. My family are also back in the city. I loved my old neighbours so much I cry when I think about them. My husband didn't want to move generally although did go along with it. He says he feels heartsick now.

We could potentially change our minds as our house in thr city has not sold yet. But its under offer and would be v harsh on our buyers.

Secondary schools better here. Sea air etc and countryside better here but now I'm feeling we swapped community for a daydream. Although this is a friendly place I just didn't think quite clearly how much we lost and how hard it will be to build up again

Also. We built up a life on friendships from toddler age on. But now children much older and the playground and primary school just car less opportunity to meet people. It's a rapid drop and go at new primary I cried yesterday as I walked away

Could you pull out of selling your house and maybe rent it out for 6 months which would give you guys time to settle in the new place and see how you feel? Especially in the summer I expect it would be nice to be by the beach. At least it would give you time to think about it.

How long have you been in new area? At that age the kids should find new friends fairly quickly and start to feel more settled.

Agree - pull out of selling and rent the house for six or 12 months. People underestimate how important local friends, great neighbours and a supportive community are. You might get all that again where you are, but it will take time. And you also might realise that seaside towns are pretty bleak in winter.

It will be upsetting for your buyers....

But.... if you're sure this isn't very early usual 'settling in' problems....

I'd take the house off the market, and offer it on first refusal to your buyers if you do decide to sell in a year /eighteen months time?

Ive seen this happen to so many folk... I grew up in a very pretty seaside place... Many city dwellers just don't settle... Some do, most don't.

How would you feel if 3 of your neighbours sold?

And your DC best friend moved?

Would you feel sad you weren't leaving/left or would you think, they'll regret that...

That's how I think you know.

It's still VERY early days in your new location. Give it time!

If you pull out of your house sale, are you comfortable with renting it out?

Sounds like you may have made a mistake but it's not too late to undo it

Good luck

How long have you been there? How old are your DC?

Different places are different. You can’t expect to replicate your old life immediately. There will be a period of adjustment.

Drop the house sale, rent it out until end of next school year, then see how you feel. Or cut your losses and move back this summer.

Dont beat yourself up. You’re trying, you have tried it. You have options, it will all be ok.

So you made the family move because it was y6dream? Sounds very selfish given you all had a very happy life where you were. Your dh seemed reluctant but did it to make you happy. I would admit you made a mistake, unfortunately pull out of the sale and go back. You can pursue your own dreams later on when your kids have left home.

"You can’t expect to replicate your old life immediately.

Dont beat yourself up. You’re trying, you have tried it. You have options, it will all be ok. "

^^ this.
Don't panic. Acknowledge it takes time to settle - and that it requires a bit of hard work.
Whilst you are mulling over your options
can you arrange a few play dates, swimming lessons, football training or whatever your children enjoy.
Is there a class WhatsApp? Can you say we've moved and would love to meet a few people is anyone free for a drink/pizza/coffee? What about Parkrun or PTA (yes I know MN hates the PTA but they are not all bad).

Moving to somewhere lovely with good secondary schools etc is hardly selfish. People move all the time. And nobody should be putting off quite ordinary dreams until their kids have gone to university. She's gone to live at the seaside not the Antarctic.

But you have choices - it may mean letting your buyers down. (Do check you can still get a school place before you do this though)

I think if you have dreamed of it for so long you should stick with it and give it a go. Neighbours and friends change and move on all the time. Try and remember all the reasons you wanted to move, they must have been pretty good ones.

Thanks so much everyone. I lay awake for hours churning this all over last night.

I do wish we could take the house and just rent it but it's a very hard decision when you are far into the sale process and have a good price.

I agree it was selfish of me although I also moved the kids away from an area with high crime and pollution and very poor secondaries....it was London so of course it comes cheek.by jowl with great parks and neighbours too..but it Was a difficult decision

We have only been here 2 weeks. Children have more freedom here generally and play out more which I like.

I thought before I arrived thst I would.be able to suggest meeting up in the class WhatsApp but thr reality has been more nerve wracking than I expected. People were friendly on the WhatsApp but totally absent in the actual playground.

It has been a hard decision involving uncertainty all along and thst is what continues to paralyse me. Also I'm aware how privileged we are to have the choice but....that doesn't help.

I think the DCs will settle quicker than you think. It's still very new for them, but they'll form friendships quickly and from that you'll get your mum friends. Takes effort, you'll have to work at it, but you'll get there. Make the same effort with your new neighbours and find a local hobby. Don't give up on it just yet - it has the chance to come good for you

The point about neighbours moving is a really really important one in my decision.

Because schools were crap it was likely that children would scatter across London. My child could have ended up not knowing anyone at secondary.

I did them he same thing two years ago. Moved q
150 miles.

It want a choice though, we were forced to. We were finally priced out of renting in the city we were in. A. we’ve had to move to a cheap shithole, so hardly lining a dream.

Like you, my children had built up friendships from toddlers.

It’s been horrible, it’s two years on now and we still miss it. People get bored of keeping in touch because their lives move on.

We could never go back, but you can.

It doesn’t sound like you are struggling for money if you could rent while your house is being sold, so go back and if you or the seaside town so much, go there for a week or so each school holiday.

it wasn’t a choice, I meant.

@LeeMucklowesCurtains thank you. You are right we are lucky to be able to cover rent although we have borrowed from family and paying back when we sell house. So would be stressful if it was all I'm vain though not impossible.

Your.point aboit losing touch with people is a sad and wise one

Sounds like early days

But...

Wait until you've wintered in the seaside location before you devode to stay. Rent your London house out if you can. Seaside in summer is a totally different place and is only 1/3 of a year....

i would pull out of the sale and go back , i can only speak from personal experiance , but i left my large east london hometown on the london essex border to move upto a large city in bucks , i was bored and i thought this city would be excited and better , its a new city loads of green spaces , better for kids to grow up , more to do and although iv been here for 19 years now i really dont like it , that feeling borders on hate sometimes , i cant go back , i have a dd whos 14 now , my mum moved up here , but honestly id love to go back to my hometown , if i had a lottery win id be back there like a shot , theres not been many a day that i dont think about it , once your house is sold your stuck where you are , so id go back and see how it is , and then in a years time if you then want to try again you can

I’d still suggest the meet up, in the class WhatsApp I’m warm and welcoming - on a morning drop off I’m dropping ds off at 8:50 and arrive at my desk at 9 so it is a mad dash - that doesn’t mean I’d turn down a weekend meet up or a coffee on my day off, it just means I don’t have time for chat on a morning.

the kids will settle, but yes of course they’ll miss their friends - it is yours and your husbands jobs to help them with this transition, weekends at the beach, gardening, get them involved in making the new house into home

It's only been two weeks. You need to give it more time.

People generally are friendlier on WhatsApp than in person because they have time to reply and the playground can be rushed. Make social plans on that WhatsApp group, park or beach after school one day. Or invite one or two round for coffee. It's hard but you're going to have to stick your neck out.

I agree with the PTA comment (I'm the chair of one). They're always keen for new members as organising stuff takes massive amounts of manpower. It's a good way to get to know other parents and the school itself.

It took 18 months to settle after we left London. I used to Google our old house and street all the time.

Been here 12 years and would never go back.

That's not to say you shouldn't just that it can work out.

The first few weeks of a house move are just an unpleasant shock. I moved a month ago to what should be a dream house, it would be for many people. Its got loads of things wrong with it that need fixing that really weren’t obvious and DH and I had what could have been a marriage ending row two weeks after we moved.
Peace now prevails in our relationship and we are slowly getting round the essential jobs.
I suggest you get out and about and enjoy what the local area has to offer. Go to community events, visit attractions

if you’ve moved partly because of schooling when your children are older then others in your old neighbourhood will most likely move in the next couple of years as well.

Yes, it is sad. But it’s the reality. Peoples lives carry on. I’ve done two bog moves in my life and after the initial visits and keeping in touch, it always dies off.

We left London too, I would never have done if I wasn’t forced to. My eldest was in secondary and doing well.

You just need to think everything through carefully.

@QforCucumber thank you that is v good point re. Morning rush etc

@hellrabbitishere I'm.sorry to hear that...moving is such a massive and hard decision isn't it. I keep getting a sick fear that my uncertainty will suddenly be come something I just can't undo.

Because I've weighed it up so much and considered every angle so many times it really does become difficult to make any sort of decision.

You have do what's the right move for you without being dependent on others in the picture. So you move back, what if your lovely neighbours in London move and what if the kids friends all move or even go to different secondary schools.

I think stick with it. You've not been there long. You said the parents WhatsApp is friendly, ask if anyone would like a coffee after drop off or park / beach meet up after school?

Encourage your children to write to their mates. But this will build resilient children, they will make new friends. Flip flopping and going back to London seems a daft idea when you were so committed. It takes time to settle after a move, you all need to make the effort to get to know the area and people.