Freaking out that move was a mistake

[waterrat]

Just made a huge move with husband and kids. Moved from large city to very popular seaside town....my obsessive dream for years.

I love the town and we now have a lovely rental on a great family road. People are friendly. But I am stunned by how heartbroken we all feel. My 9 year old is in pieces he keeps saying but we had such a great life. Younger child is okay but has gone very quiet. They had a really lovely circle of friends. Both children left behind friends of entire lifetime. We had an amazing community in thr city. My family are also back in the city. I loved my old neighbours so much I cry when I think about them. My husband didn't want to move generally although did go along with it. He says he feels heartsick now.

We could potentially change our minds as our house in thr city has not sold yet. But its under offer and would be v harsh on our buyers.

Secondary schools better here. Sea air etc and countryside better here but now I'm feeling we swapped community for a daydream. Although this is a friendly place I just didn't think quite clearly how much we lost and how hard it will be to build up again

Also. We built up a life on friendships from toddler age on. But now children much older and the playground and primary school just car less opportunity to meet people. It's a rapid drop and go at new primary I cried yesterday as I walked away

2 weeks is no time at all! You are all still adjusting.
bear with it - there are reasons you moved and these are all good. It’s very common to look back but just keep looking forward - imagine yourself in the summer - kids have found friends - eating ice cream on the beach or whatever your dream looked like.
you will absolutely get there.
kids are adjustable and adaptable - but you have to give it time.
we moved similarly a few years ago and I felt the same for the first month - now I look back and realise it’s the best thing we’ve done for our family. We built a better life in our Brest area, kids are settled, found friends, found happiness.
keep moving forward OP.

My husband didn't want to move generally although did go along with it. He says he feels heartsick now.

This really stood out for me. If your DH is not on board it's 100 times harder. The kids will adjust because they're young and adaptable, so you just need to give them time and accept that they're probably feeling a bit homesick right now.

I think you probably need to sit down with your DH and find out what he's thinking - is he just finding it hard in the early days, or does he really feel you've (collectively) made the wrong decision? If the former, can you agree to pull together and get through this tricky patch until you all feel more settled? If everyone is feeling wobbly then the adults need to put a positive spin on it for each other as well as the kids.

New not Breast!

It all changes when DC go to secondary school. We had a wonderful time at primary, lovely neighbours, lovely class mates, I was friends with the parents etc real happy times. Once DS started secondary it all changed. He stopped playing out in the street and I didn't see the school mums anymore. He created his own social network in school.

The point im making is that what you feel you've lost now would have been lost in a few years time anyway however, you'll now reap the benefits of good secondary school, living by the sea etc. plus it's very very early days and you will make connections in school, your DC will make friends and it'll develop from there.

Oh my goodness. It has only been two weeks.
I remember moving away and thinking what the fuck have I done but you adapt.
It sounds like you did it for the right reasons and. Personally I think you just need to give it time. Kids will adapt quicker than you.
Keep remembering the reasons why you did it.
Summer is approaching and You will feel better next week when a heatwave hits us and you are on the beach x

@waterrat

It might be the case that leaving London was the right decision.

It might also be the case that this seaside town you have moved to (would you be brave enough to share-one seaside town is very different from another), is not the right place for your family.

You are renting right now, so haven't commited. Maybe sell the London place as you have a decent price and a good way into conveyancing and then pause to really consider next steps.

The seaside place is Brighton 🙂

Only two weeks? We used to have to shift around the world with DH's job. The popular lore was that it took a minimum of 6 weeks to begin to 'get' the new place and settle. If at 6 weeks you feel you haven't started to move into he right direction emotionally then think again. But two weeks is too soon!
And each time we moved our DC mourned a little bit then immersed themselves.

There is so much going on there and plenty of other families will be ex London. Festival should be starting around now, take the dc along to some of the activities and shows.

Moving is discombobulating and kids always hate it. Your expectations are way too high at this early stage. You need to give it time, and you need to put in the effort to get to know people. Joining the PTA is a great suggestion - you don’t have to be an organiser, you can just be a do-er.

Throw yourself into social situations. Suggest the meet up on WhatsApp. You only need two or three people to come along to start to get to know people. Is there a local park run? Take the kids along. Eat cake in the cafe afterwards and chat to the other people there. Maybe volunteer to do some marshalling.

Try to persuade your Dh to make an effort too. I pushed to move out of London to Sussex years ago, and my Dh was pretty resistant - he only agreed in the end because the local secondary schools were awful. At first he pined for London, but then he joined a local cycling group, and that was a huge turning point. He loves it here now.

Finally I agree with the other comments that secondary school stage changes everything anyway. The fluffy playground days will be over and nobody has time for coffees and chats any more. Kids’ friendships change as they disperse to different schools. It’s sad, but don’t stay somewhere just for the primary school social scene.

Thanks all this is really helpful

It's really good to be reminded of the big shift coming up at secondary. What is hard is moving ahead of thst shift...so my son just sees life at home carrying on as normal but in reality several of his friends will move or go private.

Honestly OP - you'll be fine! Brighton is a friendly city, with loads going on, and you've moved at a great time of year to really appreciate the weather/beach/activities. Do you have any hobbies yourself you'd like to take back up in a new area? Join a choir, go to a yoga class, learn pottery, join a running club - you can guarantee it will all be on offer somewhere in Brighton!

The good thing is that you're renting at present. While it would not be ideal, you could cast your net a bit wider when buying. Maybe look at other towns in the area - Worthing for example. Or what about places in the South Downs which are lovely - Chichester, Bosham, Petersfield area. You obviously chose Brighton for a reason, but it's not for everyone when you get past the superficial gloss - the huge dichotomy of income and social challenges evident when you look close are disturbing.

Just put on WhatsApp group you new to area and would like to put a face to names. Invite any available over for coffee/cake one morning. Ask if there are any quiz nights locally. Get kids to invite someone home for dinner one night. Ask about local clubs activities for kids. Offer to drop off pick up another child with yours. Give yourself a chance to fit in. Rent your house in London for 1 year and try hard to make it work and if it does not work after 1 year move back to London.

I'm guessing you moved to Brighton. I would highly recommend letting your kids settle into school for the summer term, and then spend a summer at the beach experiencing the best the city can offer. It really is an amazing place to live and you will make new friends quickly.

@DaphneduM OP came from London, so no doubt understands social and economic disparities. The issue is she is missing her past life, so moving even further isn't going to help. She's not mentioned not liking Brighton

Bloody hell
i really am struggling to see why you decided to move

Where people are saying it really changes when kids go to secondary , i confirm it really does, especially if the local one isn’t good so parents move house or the kids all go to a number of different schools and scatter far and wide and make new friendship groups . So in regards to schooling, what you had at old house wouldn’t last forever anyway.

I did a move like you, when youngest was in year 5 and at first it was lonely at the school gate and it was hard to initially integrate existing playground friendship groups . But it can be done . It takes to settle in to a new house and area

You’ve moved to by the seaside … how lovely. I honestly believe the key thing to do for the kids is to get them involved in local clubs , especially sea activities , yachting clubs, paddle boarding clubs , canoeing clubs. That way they’ll make friends and grow up appreciate where they are now .
Girls brigade was a lifesaver for us when we moved area .
Go for a long walk in your new area and end it with a fish and chip picnic supper on the beach . Learn to appreciate what you have on your doorstep. I bet if you took a photo on a sunny day of your husband and kids enjoying the beach it would be your old neighbourhood friends feeling a bit of envy , as opposed to you crying over a video of your old house. Good luck in your new adventure .

I don't understand why parents move their kids out to the countryside 'for a better life'. The things kids care about are not in the countryside, this is not an Enid Blyton novel where they'll be running through fields all day. Being a car journey away from friends or places they actually want to go, rather than a short walk or bus ride isn't great. It ruined my childhood.

Brighton isn't the countryside though

We moved last year - mainly as in a secondary school no man's land. Just out of catchment for about 4! Moved from our ideal house, where kids were born and a lovely primary - goid friendships built up over years. Has been hard - especially as I was made redundant and finished work just before moving. Moved when kids 7 and 9, so time to adjust to new primary and hopefully form bonds before secondary. Having the extra time from not working has meant I have been able to join in pta - this has been where I have met more mums from school. And they are all lovely. Have organised playdates by giving kids a note to pass on with contact details and then being able to organise them. Then got to know some parents of kids that mine wanted to play/hang out with. Also got kids into beavers and cubs here so they could meet more kids. No class what's app, but are fb pages for each year - so just put out a message saying new to area, would anyone fancy coming to mine for a coffee and met some people that way. We didn't move too far though, so still get gave to old town in under an hour , and kids can still do sleepovers / zoom calls with old friends - so keep a connection. However, a year later, I do still get a bit teary if go back to old area as still had everything we wanted. Just have to commit to being here and making the best of it!

Sorry - that was a bit of a whinge. Basically, keeping in contact with old friends helped our kids to embrace the new, and they have been able to find new friends here. As have I - just needs some work and time invested. At least with summer coming up you can invite people for bbq etc to try and meet people. Maybe rent your old house if poss to keep options open. If not going to sell, please let your buyers know ASAP so they can plan. How far away have you moved? Does it make visiting friends impractical?

I live in London and get mad at everyone who leaves 😀but I also think you should stick it out. 2 weeks is no time at all! And as lots of people have said, loads of your London friends will likely make the move out anyway, it’s a transient city. So it won’t stay the same. Your kids will make friends and so will you. And now the weather is starting to be nicer you’ll be able to make the most of living by the sea.

unless you’re one of my friends who have moved away and then you need to come back here immediately!

Oh, OP, I really feel for you as made a similar move 9 years ago and have never loved the new place like I did the old one, and the people who lived there.
I have made a new community of sorts but still sometimes feel 'heartsick' like your husband, even now.
Go back.

Not quite the same as you, but we moved for more space and investment. On moving day, our neighbours were in tears, it was awful. We moved in a house on a dream road (over the years we'd often walked along a few roads on the estate looking at properties for sale). Quite soon after the move, I regretted it - I missed our old house, the road had a nice look, better view and our neighbours were lovely. We're now eight years on, still miss the house, road, neighbours (we are still in touch with the neighbours who were in tears though). We moved for the the right reasons, space and investment and looking back that was the right move for us. Neighbours are nice, I choose not to get so involved with them as I have more going on in my life now, but a couple of older ones who've moved to the road are regularly out seeing friends, going to clubs.

You can keep in touch with old friends, and in time you'll all make new ones through neighbours, work, clubs, even parents of your DC (even though they're older you'll still need some contact). Personally, I'd stick with your new life and make it work - we live in a nice area and there's no way I'd swap it for London (sorry if you live there, I know it's not all bad really).

Having said the above, your house isn't sold yet and you're under no obligation to sell. We pulled out at 9am on the day we were due to exchange (had had a lot of ongoing purchase problems and had had something else thrown at us day before though).