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Original poster

Freaking out that move was a mistake

128 replies

waterrat · 06/05/2022 03:58

Just made a huge move with husband and kids. Moved from large city to very popular seaside town....my obsessive dream for years.

I love the town and we now have a lovely rental on a great family road. People are friendly. But I am stunned by how heartbroken we all feel. My 9 year old is in pieces he keeps saying but we had such a great life. Younger child is okay but has gone very quiet. They had a really lovely circle of friends. Both children left behind friends of entire lifetime. We had an amazing community in thr city. My family are also back in the city. I loved my old neighbours so much I cry when I think about them. My husband didn't want to move generally although did go along with it. He says he feels heartsick now.

We could potentially change our minds as our house in thr city has not sold yet. But its under offer and would be v harsh on our buyers.

Secondary schools better here. Sea air etc and countryside better here but now I'm feeling we swapped community for a daydream. Although this is a friendly place I just didn't think quite clearly how much we lost and how hard it will be to build up again

Also. We built up a life on friendships from toddler age on. But now children much older and the playground and primary school just car less opportunity to meet people. It's a rapid drop and go at new primary I cried yesterday as I walked away

OP posts:
LeeMucklowesCurtains · 06/05/2022 07:05

Big moves! Typing in the dark hoping the baby doesn’t wake up yet!

Original poster
waterrat · 06/05/2022 07:06

@Notonthestairs ah the looking at rhe old house. What triggered my panic last night was my 9 year old video called our old neighbours kids...(bad idea tbh) and the kids took the phone out into the street tonshow him our old home ! Both me and 9 yr old ended up crying when the call ended.

OP posts:
RhubarbFairy · 06/05/2022 07:07

QforCucumber · 06/05/2022 07:01

I’d still suggest the meet up, in the class WhatsApp I’m warm and welcoming - on a morning drop off I’m dropping ds off at 8:50 and arrive at my desk at 9 so it is a mad dash - that doesn’t mean I’d turn down a weekend meet up or a coffee on my day off, it just means I don’t have time for chat on a morning.

the kids will settle, but yes of course they’ll miss their friends - it is yours and your husbands jobs to help them with this transition, weekends at the beach, gardening, get them involved in making the new house into home

Couldn't agree more with this.

I've arranged groups of us to go for a coffee in the past when there's been a new mum join the school. Just so they can meet other mums.

But like above, I don't hang about these days. I used to walk to school to drop off but now I work so I pull up and DS jumps out of the car because I have to get to work. I'm sociable and would love a park or coffee meetup after school or at the weekend though.

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9 year olds
hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/05/2022 07:08

I also moved the kids away from an area with high crime and pollution and very poor secondaries....it was London so of course it comes cheek.by jowl with great parks and neighbours too..but it Was a difficult decision

These are good reasons for relocating. It doesn't sound like a selfish move.

Come secondary years you'll find quite a few of your London friends have moved away too. If local secondary poor, local kids will probably be dispersed around multiple different secondaries where they can get in.

Honestly I'd try and make the best of your move. The kids need some confidence from you and dh that the move is the best thing long term (even if initially difficult) and encouragement to get stuck in.

Be proactive and ask in the class WhatsApp who wants to meet for a walk/ coffee.

Original poster
waterrat · 06/05/2022 07:11

True about others moving about @rattlemehearties it was a main factor in my argument tho my husband says not everyone would have moved. I actually feel calmer reading these comments.

I think it is almost impossible to turn this juggernaut round now. Partly for good reasons...wr lucked out on finding rental in nice family area etc.

I did say to dh that given we were in shit catchment anyway wr could always buy again in London if all really failed here and see it is getting better secondary.
I will.br galvanised by women of mumsnet and be brave on class WhatsApp.

V emotional being a stranger in primary playground after knowing everyone. Feel like an idiot thst I expected it to be easier.

I have adhd and really hate anything to do with organising so thst puts me off the pta but maybe I can be honest and see if I can do something useful...

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 06/05/2022 07:22

WhatsApp is easy - ‘Thankyou all for your kind welcomes, now we are starting to get settled in the new house I wondered if anyone would be happy to meet up at the park with a coffee on Saturday morning so the kids can get to know some of their classmates (and I can get to know some local adults?) it’s such a nightmare coming to a new area and knowing no one’

admit it’s tough, people will want to help!

Original poster
waterrat · 06/05/2022 07:24

@tothemoonandbackbuses so true that moving is a horrendous shock

OP posts:
Original poster
waterrat · 06/05/2022 07:27

Thanks @QforCucumber ...I'm a v outgoing person but been bowled over by fear and sadness
! There was an event at school this week and I thought I would meet people but instead kids looked nervous just wanted to go straight home and I felt like a random stranger milling about ....

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 06/05/2022 07:34

We were distraught in the first months after a similar move (I was a child). It was the loss of a solid community that hurt the most but, after a year, we had new friends, we had settled in school and started enjoying the benefits of the move so much we didn’t want to go back.

I made a similar move as an adult and, although I regret it in many ways, I don’t yearn for going back to where I was before as that place doesn’t exist anymore as I knew it, all my friends have moved on with their lives and most have left the area.

Bathroom2022 · 06/05/2022 07:43

You've moved for legitimate reasons, so stick with it, but you absolutely have to lead this with positivity even if it's fake. The kids cannot see you wallowing. It's OK to cry and miss people, but you move on. We're a year into our big move and are still unconvinced by our location, but we know our move was right.

Ragwort · 06/05/2022 07:44

We moved to the other side of the country for work reasons, it was much more difficult for my DH to 'settle' but my DS (9 at the time) really flourished and made great new friends, he has a sporting interest and got into the team at county level etc which helped. He had to start at two different primary schools within one academic year but he managed it very well ...even going on a residential week after just 10 days at one school!
I agree with the suggestion to join the PTA and to just throw yourself into as many activities as possible.
I was always very aware that if we moved 'back' it would not be the same as it had been before.

Loopyloopy · 06/05/2022 07:52

The first weeks after a move are hard. It's to be expected.

It sounds like you had really good, solid reasons for moving. I would give it at least 12 -18 months, and really do your best to settle in. If you still want to move back after that, you can do it, into a better catchment.

I've just moved back after 12 months away ( always intended to be temporary) and slotted right back in. We made some lovely friends in the time away, though!

thesunwillout · 06/05/2022 08:02

One thought that I have, because of experience is that wherever you live, as soon as the kids go to secondary school, daily life dynamic really changes.

You don't have the daily contact face to face with other parents. Even those you've seen casually, drop off the radar very quickly.

Through noones fault.
So even if you did go back that will change, because life and people move on.

Perhaps try to look at the overall benefits of your new life.
The change for you has been enormous, but there really could be many positives, opportunities to live a new life.

ResidentHortensia · 06/05/2022 08:10

OP it's been two weeks! Calm down. Easier said than done I know. We moved from a big city suburb to a semi-rural village when our DC were young, and honestly, for the first year, I would have moved back like a shot if I could. I was so homesick and missed my friends so much. I felt isolated and anxious for months. Our eldest was devastated to move too which was hard to handle.

Our move was for the same reasons as yours, and it was ultimately the right decision but not without sacrifice. That was many years ago, and our now adult DC are grateful that we made that choice.

Give it time. I agree that if you eventually decide you want to move back, then a different house in a better area is probably the best idea.

Trixiefirecracker · 06/05/2022 08:12

I think it’s very early days, takes at least two years to settle in to a new place. I pulled my kids out of a city school to live in my dream countryside area. They had grown up with my friends kids so it was a big division but ultimately it worked out. Schools are much better here and it’s safer and cleaner and they now have a much better life…outdoors all the time and have a great group of friends. It won’t take long for them to make new friendships. The bottom line is, nothing is ever set in stone so you can always move again if it really isn’t for you further on down the line.

FleurDeLizz · 06/05/2022 08:21

You’ve only given it two weeks! You need to stop crying in front of your kids, put a brave face on and start having the attitude that it’s done now and start living your new lives. I know it’s difficult as you essentially still have a foot in the door of your old home, but you moved for a reason and living in a seaside town is great even in winter.

are there clubs you can enrol your kids into? Maybe part of it is that you seem to be putting all of your friend making eggs in the playground basket - branch out a bit and you might feel more connected to your new town more quickly

Pinkdelight3 · 06/05/2022 08:21

Really feel for you. We've come close to doing a similar move and ended up staying much to my relief. Sea air just doesn't pip it for me and few London schools are terrible. Despite the strength of the daydreams, I freaked out before the move so could pull out more easily whereas you sound less decided so perhaps that means it might work out there. A nice rental wouldn't be enough to keep me there while the house was still unsold and there was a chance to go back now I'd realised what I'd lost. But if the positives are still there for you then maybe it's better to stick it out. Definitely don't stick with the plan though just because you don't feel you can change your mind. Better to be decisive if you truly know deep down.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/05/2022 08:23

2 weeks???? Oh please… you won’t see any proper benefits or downsides at least until you have been there for 6-12 months.

LIZS · 06/05/2022 08:26

It has only been two weeks! How far away are you from the city? Can old friends come down to visit for day or weekend and they can show them round? Your dc will move on but you need to be more positive and help them forge different social circles. Summer term is usually full of activities at school which will distract them.

gomble12 · 06/05/2022 08:28

I think your feelings are normal but it's early days.

CheshireCats · 06/05/2022 08:30

I moved my family to a new location when they were v similar ages to your DC. They still resent it 9 years later. Yes, we have a nicer environment and a much bigger house, but they don't care about these things. They just care that they were uprooted.
If none of you are happy, I would go back while you can.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 06/05/2022 08:30

It’s a big move, but sounds like you made the right decision. 2 weeks isn’t very long, it is going to take some time to adjust, but you all will. I’d focus on the kids and find lots of fun things to do, remember why you made the decision to move in the first place.

gomble12 · 06/05/2022 08:32

Also depending upon the part of London the population can be very transient. I made great friends but they have all leftovers

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/05/2022 08:37

OP, it is difficult to break in formed school friendship groups when the children are older. Try to find other parents and kids who have moved into the area recently or who have a similar set of circumstances as yours, those are the ones more likely to be open to make new friendships.

SpritzingAperol · 06/05/2022 08:56

OP please get a hold of this.

I feel for your sadness and confusion but only you and your OH can make this work.

You DO have choices. However hard either of them seem. You have choice. Remember that.

If you are going to stay you need to LEAD your children in this. Misery loves company. It's probably not going to be straight road with instant results but you have to have positivity and stand by what you have done. Focus on what you do have.
Lucked out on a good rental, good schools, seaside, good price for the old place, making the dream a reality, playing out etc etc

If you're going to go back - you still can. Grab the mettle. Make it happen. People have done a lot worse. In the grand scheme it's nothing.

But in reality you've been there 2 weeks. Please get some perspective and a deep breath. Lower your expectations for a bit and take a look around. Try and be positive OP.