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Original poster

Freaking out that move was a mistake

128 replies

waterrat · 06/05/2022 03:58

Just made a huge move with husband and kids. Moved from large city to very popular seaside town....my obsessive dream for years.

I love the town and we now have a lovely rental on a great family road. People are friendly. But I am stunned by how heartbroken we all feel. My 9 year old is in pieces he keeps saying but we had such a great life. Younger child is okay but has gone very quiet. They had a really lovely circle of friends. Both children left behind friends of entire lifetime. We had an amazing community in thr city. My family are also back in the city. I loved my old neighbours so much I cry when I think about them. My husband didn't want to move generally although did go along with it. He says he feels heartsick now.

We could potentially change our minds as our house in thr city has not sold yet. But its under offer and would be v harsh on our buyers.

Secondary schools better here. Sea air etc and countryside better here but now I'm feeling we swapped community for a daydream. Although this is a friendly place I just didn't think quite clearly how much we lost and how hard it will be to build up again

Also. We built up a life on friendships from toddler age on. But now children much older and the playground and primary school just car less opportunity to meet people. It's a rapid drop and go at new primary I cried yesterday as I walked away

OP posts:
HannahDefoesTrenchcoat · 06/05/2022 13:56

I have adhd and really hate anything to do with organising so thst puts me off the pta but maybe I can be honest and see if I can do something useful...

2, no actually 4, things about this.

  1. tell the pta you are best turning up and helping on the day
  2. you have adhd and you have just moved house. Super exhausting.
  3. all your usual coping, recharging stuff has changed or is gone for the moment. Super exhausting.
  4. you will be anxious and tired so this will affect your thinking and problem solving. Super exhausting.

your adrenaline will be dipping now.
All change is loss and gain. All the disadvantages of the move are obvious and not yet the advantages.

Camomila · 06/05/2022 14:08

Keep the faith, the summer will be glorious. Just use Ovingdean or Shoreham beach not nr the pier! Those are our "go to" beaches too, we occasionally go further out to Lancing or Worthing for the sand at low tide.

It's the children's parade tomorrow OP why not take the DC to watch? (assuming they aren't in it already)

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 14:33

I wasn’t meaning that I think the dh should LTB or abuse!

just meaning some mumsnetters will pounce on anything as abuse and a partner moving despite not wanting to would fall under abuse in their eyes!

I have adhd

I was not surprised to learn this op, and I don’t think anyone who has been married or had a partner with adhd would be. This is hall mark adhd behaviour. Impulsive, itchy feet, not much planning etc

embrace it. It could be a disaster. But it could be the best thing that’s ever happened to your family

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

9 year olds
sunnysaturdaydaffs · 06/05/2022 15:15

It is hard. Give yourself a few weeks. I'm also quite adhdy and actually loved the buzz of chaotic PTA events.

Thought of another one, get yourself a tide app and go to the beach at low tide to play on the sand.

@Camomila good call on the children's parade. Def join in if you can. That's really chaos.

2DemisSVP · 06/05/2022 15:19

Invite some of your old friends down. Brighton is so commutable to London. You don’t need to lose touch. You’ll become the sought after weekend away , and have best of both worlds. Too early to give up !

Fluffruff · 06/05/2022 15:21

Op, we’re set to make a similar move in the summer. From busy part of London to a coastal town hundreds of miles away. DH is onboard and fully committed. We’ve said to each other we must give it a good year, to at least give the place a chance. And we both want to throw ourselves into community stuff to try and meet as many people as possible, PTA, scouts etc maybe even volunteer to train for the lifeboats rescue etc. I’m terrified but hope it will all work out! The town were moving to is probably like Brighton where people move in and out all the time so hopefully the kids won’t have that ‘new kid’ feeling for too long!

LIZS · 06/05/2022 15:34

I also think you may need to filter out the information coming from those you have left in London. There may be more than a tinge of envy at you being able to move and them feeling the need to reinforce their choice to live there. Invite them down at weekends or for the day at half term. Eventually your dc would be old enough to do the trip alone if friendships endure.

espresso14 · 06/05/2022 15:36

I'm at the end of a first week of a big move and worried we've made a big mistake. Children have settled very quickly, but I've gone from a friendly school where I'd known everyone since their birth, to a very different environment. I'm not even sure they have parents chat groups here, back home I'm seeing messages about park meet ups with the new child in the class, here I haven't even been able to get anyone's eye contact amongst my children's new friends. We've decided to rent our house back home, gives us the option.

GodspeedJune · 06/05/2022 15:45

I did a big move and really think you need at least one year to settle and adjust to the whole thing. The first year in a new place where you don’t know anyone can be discombobulating. FWIW I didn’t regret moving once that initial shock period had passed.

Please don’t cry infront of your children about this though. They’ll be taking their lead from you,
and need you to have a positive outlook to the situation. Moving is also an exciting adventure to meet new people and find new places.

Original poster
waterrat · 06/05/2022 16:01

Thank you everyone these are really kind and helpful messages

OP posts:
Original poster
waterrat · 06/05/2022 16:01

I am going to go through this thread this evening and take notes!

OP posts:
movingblues · 06/05/2022 16:21

We moved out of london back “home” to Scotland, took me 18 months to fully settle. That was 13 years ago and was truly the right decision for us as a family. Still love London and now my teenagers do too. Hang in there it’s a grieving process at first but slowly you get through that and all those benefits you’ve researched start to come through. Wishing you good luck!

movingblues · 06/05/2022 16:22

Just realised that was when I joined MN hence the movingblues name!

Scarecrowrowboat · 06/05/2022 18:59

I'd go back but then I've already tried seaside life, moved to Brighton which out of all the places I've lived was by far and away my least favourite. Always end up moving back to London because it's my home and I love it.

Wilkolampshade · 07/05/2022 09:22

I thought initially your post would be a London to Cornwall/Lakes/Borders type move but London to Brighton seems not so extreme?
BUT I recognise the grief in your OP. My kids were like this, and myself too. FWIW, we did London to Cornwall when the kids were tiny. Bought a money-pit house. Husband worked away.
I had a realisation it was a terrible terrible mistake much too late and would have sold up and gone home within weeks if possible but was too depressed and upset. Also, firmly believed we were the only idiots who would have bought that particular house, (probably true).
Kids never really had to same ease of friendships as house was detached so none of the popping along the street to someone else's we'd enjoyed where we were. I also massively underestimated how difficult it would be to build up the huge network of friends and even acquaintances I had back home. TBH, this never really got any better and I always felt like an outsider.
Soooo, came back to London 15 years later, adult children in tow. 😊
So from my personal experience? In your shoes? I'd listen to your gut, and what your DH and DC are saying, and go back in a shot.

Bramshott · 07/05/2022 09:47

Why not head off to the Children's Parade today OP? It's a great Brighton tradition and could be a reminder of why you moved.

Original poster
waterrat · 07/05/2022 21:59

@Wilkolampshade thanks for your story...thst does make me think. Although objectively vrighton is a fantastic place to live and I know we will settle if wr stay...I think sometimes we can blind ourselves to the impact of loss. I was looking at pictures if my son in thr Park in London with huge group of friends he has known since toddler years...and i think I've only just clicked he will never replace thst.

OP posts:
Original poster
waterrat · 07/05/2022 22:00

We didn't make it to the children's parade as my son has already filled his week witj multiple football training 🤣

OP posts:
HannahDefoesTrenchcoat · 07/05/2022 23:47

was looking at pictures if my son in thr Park in London with huge group of friends he has known since toddler years...and i think I've only just clicked he will never replace thst.

may be a loss for now but kids rarely keep toddler friends through secondary school. My kids are older and between them they have one or two but in both cases I’m also good friends with the mums so our families continue to see each other. Otherwise their best friends are secondary school and uni friends. That’s when kids find their tribe rather than kids they happen to live near.

Wilkolampshade · 08/05/2022 01:43

Well OP, I so genuinely wish you well. X
I would love to have made things work for us but we had such a culture clash it was always going to be impossible. I think Brighton may well be a very different story,
Very very best of luck. Xx

Trixiefirecracker · 08/05/2022 08:46

I don’t know many people still besties with their primary school friends, people tend to form those long-lasting friendships in secondary or at Uni. I think it’s still very raw for you and you need to give it much more time. Sounds like your son is already settling in well with all that football training!

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 08:48

Op
was it just schooling and being by the coast that swung Brighton?

because seems to me like you and your family are true Londoners. Have built up a fabulous network, like urban, and all actually happy

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 08:50

Re school.
the thing about london is that whilst one school can be shite, just around the corner can be utterly outstanding.
did you consider staying within London but moving to a life area near by for a good school. Perhaps renting out your place and then you guys rent?

All the local friends you have… what schools are their children going to?!

Loopyloopy · 19/05/2022 08:54

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 08:50

Re school.
the thing about london is that whilst one school can be shite, just around the corner can be utterly outstanding.
did you consider staying within London but moving to a life area near by for a good school. Perhaps renting out your place and then you guys rent?

All the local friends you have… what schools are their children going to?!

All the local friends would be moving to better catchments.

Original poster
waterrat · 20/05/2022 09:30

Hello @espresso14 how are you feeling about the move ? I'm still in tears all the time

However there is so much good here that I now think my constant anxiety about the decision (both before and after ) is a massive symptom of my adhd

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