Freaking out that move was a mistake

[waterrat]

Just made a huge move with husband and kids. Moved from large city to very popular seaside town....my obsessive dream for years.

I love the town and we now have a lovely rental on a great family road. People are friendly. But I am stunned by how heartbroken we all feel. My 9 year old is in pieces he keeps saying but we had such a great life. Younger child is okay but has gone very quiet. They had a really lovely circle of friends. Both children left behind friends of entire lifetime. We had an amazing community in thr city. My family are also back in the city. I loved my old neighbours so much I cry when I think about them. My husband didn't want to move generally although did go along with it. He says he feels heartsick now.

We could potentially change our minds as our house in thr city has not sold yet. But its under offer and would be v harsh on our buyers.

Secondary schools better here. Sea air etc and countryside better here but now I'm feeling we swapped community for a daydream. Although this is a friendly place I just didn't think quite clearly how much we lost and how hard it will be to build up again

Also. We built up a life on friendships from toddler age on. But now children much older and the playground and primary school just car less opportunity to meet people. It's a rapid drop and go at new primary I cried yesterday as I walked away

Ah, interesting, it was Brighton for us too. And I know lots of people who have happily made the move, but I've not regrets staying put. We can still pop down there easily enough but feel that we've 'done' it in a way I don't feel in London even after decades here. It really isn't the worst place to have moved to though, it's still close and the journey there/back is easy enough. Are you guaranteed to get into the secondaries there? I remember it being crazy oversubscribed a couple of years ago so hope if you stay that it all works out worthwhile that way.

Two weeks is nothing at all. You have moved the children from a high crime/poor schools area, so the move is not selfish. They feel a bit adrift now, but they are not old enough to understand the dangers and deficits of where they were living.

Moving is a massive upheaval. Give it time and you will all slot into the possibilities in your new area - that isn't going to happen in two weeks!

You will all reap the benefits as time goes by.

Far from it
the traffic and parking situation is pretty much worse i have ever encountered

I totally understand how you feel OP but as others have said your life would change anyway , London(and I love London) is pretty transient and you may not have felt the same once neighbours and friends moved on. and as teens Brighton is not exactly in the sticks!! Personally I would pull your house and rent it out for a year and then reassess. We've had a similar situation except moved to Scandinavia and without kids in tow- lifestyle is great, but friendship making is very hard , especially as an older couple. Like you this was my Hs dream, but he now feels no amount of lifestyle makes up for lack of friendships and colleagues on tap , plus Brexit has made everything that bit harder and more beuracratic , so we are returning after 19 months. After a year ask your kids how they feel too and make it clear the same friends and neighbours cannot be part of the equation- because that can totally change

for me the key thing is schools. If schools in your old area weren;t good, you would bitterly resent staying.

You haven't settled yet. Give it time. Much as children love their from-toddlerhood friends, as they move to secondary, those friendships get replaced by new ones. You and they will all make new friends. You live by the sea - you will be inundated with visitors. Half my family life by the sea and basically run a free B&B for family and friends all year round. I'd hate that but they are very laid back and sociable, and they love it. Why not get a sofa bed and some Z-beds and invite DCs best friends and family for the weekend?

Imagine if you moved back and then one by one their friends' families moved away and they were stuck in a lousy school. You can't make life rosy all the time. There are times of upheaval. And you're renting. You haven't even found your perfect home yet.

But if you wholeheartedly know it's a mistake - you are very lucky - you haven't sold yet and you can go back. Don;t put prospective buyers' needs before your own.

Thank you so much I am finding everything here helpful. One thing I'm sure of is that as a place I prefer brugjton. I grew up in London and wanted a change. But seeing kids and husband sad and missing friends is very painful

The hard thing with q massive decision like this is that it aquires momentum. As we were packing up the house it felt so huge to pull out especially once we had told the children. It might seem like I was crazy to move but we have moved moved a beautiful place ! And we were not even in a clear catchment in London for any single school. And they were all shit !

@waterrat It's only been two weeks! You have to give it a chance.

We moved when our DCs were exactly the age of yours. Everything was so different, and weird.
At the new primary school, there was one horrible mum who turned her back on me whenever I walked into the playground and I thought... shit, what have I done?
(We moved because of a brilliant secondary school)

HOWEVER, it really didn't take too long before my kids palled up with others in the village, they were a real gang, I met people, I got involved in stuff and it just got better and better.
It was honestly honestly the best move we made. I am just so so glad we didn't hang around where we lived before even though it was hard at first

My DCs are now in their 30s and living their lives to the full and doing really well and most importantly they say they cannot remember life before we moved but continually they talk with such affection about how much they loved living in the area we moved to, the schools, the friendships... and even now in their 30s they still see those friends.

So waterrat just give it a chance... I betcha it will all just slot into place

If this was a woman in your DH’s shoes

Everyone would be crying “abuse!” “LTB”!

Brighton is quite friendly, I am sure you will make mum friends soon, and the kids will make new friends. Two weeks is no where near long enough to know how you will feel in a few months. You have left all that is familiar behind, so of course life feels out of sync.

we moved 15mths ago from the south coast to a city, 3hrs away, our kids were adults, youngest DS was 17 he would happily live anywhere as long as he had, us and his brother. DS1 19 was very anxious about the move, the change in area, it was also a massive downsize. He said he was going back for his birthday, which was about four month, after we moved. When it came to his birthday, I said when are you going back, he denied all knowledge of saying it! He loves where he lives now. We are all really happy, in our new home and location, but yes in the first few weeks, I thought a few times, what on earth have I done.

My advice would be give yourself some time.

I don’t know Brighton very well but I live in Cornwall and like anywhere it’s massively different going on holiday somewhere and living somewhere.

I know several people who came on holiday every year for years and when they finally move down and for 99% of them they absolutely hate it and feel very isolated.

Many choose to move back but some do stay and end up getting used to it.

You say there are good schools etc in Brighton so it sounds like it’s just the people you are missing, which is less of a reason to move back.

It sounds like the entire family has had to give up a lot for your dream life and do I can see why you feel guilty.

I would speak to your DH and set a date in 6 months time.
If none of you are happy when that date comes around then I’d think about moving back.
Obviously you’ll have to buy another house but if you make a decision too soon it could be just homesickness and you’ll regret and if you take too long to make a decision then everyone would have moved on and it won’t be the same anyway.

I'd go back to your old place. We've just moved back very close to where we used to live, having moved away for 10 years. I never really settled and only made one friend. Now I'm loving having all my old mates again. Also, I remember my mum pulling me out of my beloved primary school at the end of year 4. I begged her not to and there was no reason to. We'd moved house but the school was the exact same distance away. I always felt like the outsider and hated it as I missed my friends.

It’s really early days. If you’d moved to Australia you’d probably be thinking of taking a year or 2 to settle.
Brighton is a big bustling place (not compared to London but compared to most U.K. towns) and will have stuff on all year.
we moved when my DS was 8. He’s 17 now and barely remembers his old school, house or friends. He very much feels he is from where we live now.

Good luck!

I think its so normal to feel like this! We moved slightly further out of London and honestly i was so upset for ages because I missed the familiarity of my old life, everything seemed new and scary rather than new and exciting.

Now we are settled and we love it and PP are right, come secondary the kids friends will be scattered anyway.

We left London and moved further away than Brighton and have maintained friendships, even though we moved shortly before Covid. As soon as they were allowed DCs school friends and parents and our other friends were straight down to stay by the seaside. Even friends of DD whose parents I hadn't formed a particular friendship with get in touch when they are in the area.

Brighton is only down the road from London!

I agree with giving this a year or so and pulling out of house sale.

I’m going to be quite honest here. You and your husband need to try to hold it together as you are making this really rough on your children. They will purely follow your lead and him being heartbroken and you sitting crying at the site of your house is not ok behaviour to have in front of them. As adults you took this decision and as adults you need to try to make it easier for your kids, not behave like this as they will react the same, it’s awful for them to be invovled like this.

it is not your “old house” it is your house, you have not sold it yet. The pair of you need to sit down and talk, can you make it work and if so can you actually make it a happy time for your children and can you help them settle in. If it is not possible then call a halt to the sale and move back

I know it’s hard but you have to be the strong one when something like that happens.

It was the same with my children when we moved.

We loved the house we rented in London, it wasn’t ours but we had lived in it for 8 years and took care of it.

After we moved, the landlord filled it with students as he could make double the money, we had friends send photos of the absolute state of the front of the house, the mess the front yard Id worked hard on had become, the broken blinds that dh had fitted in the windows.

My children were upset(my teenager uses to get them sent directly “look at what a shithole
your house is now!”) I was upset but I didn’t let it show.

One of my then 6 year old dds friends, her mum would facetime from the park showing dds friend and everyone else she knew playing together - that was very unhelpful. That stopped as they soon forgot about us but dd was so upset at the time. I had to be the one to keep her positive about the new friends she would meet when she had a school place here etc.

If you stay, you are going to have to be the strong one and hide any upset, lead by example and keep reiterating the positives.

Not every secondary school in Brighton is good. Just as with London there are schools you may want to avoid. My understanding is that some schools are vastly over subscribed, and you won't necessarily get either your first choice or nearest.

Brighton is friendly. I live 15 minutes from it and don't visit very often, much less so in summer. But its impossible not to find yourself talking to new people.

I'd give it a few more weeks. You'll either throw your arms up in horror at the crowds, the refuse covered streets, the traffic, ridiculous bus lane situation, parking and pebbles or you will throw yourself into new activities and make the best of it. I'd rent the house out, and make a decision again after you've enjoyed or endured the summer.

I used to love Brighton, but its very different to the Brighton it was 20 years ago. I'm thinking of moving to London next.....I am wanting architecture, history, mud larking, museums and old victorian pubs. My DC are 17 and 21, not keen on the unknown, but they will adapt, people do! your DC are going to as well.

Only if they were batshit drama queens...

OP, you're all having a very normal reaction to moving house - don't 'feed' those negative feelings by hunting around for things that justify them. Yes, you were the one pushing the move but there were also several very good practical reasons for it.

As others have said, just give it time. See how you all feel in 6 months (or whenever your rental contract comes to an end) and make a decision then.

It's far too early to have settled in! Will take kids at least 6 months. You might take longer! Your old friends might also move...secondary schools really focuses the mind from year 5 onwards.

We are 5 years onto our move away from the city. Kids and DH love it, I've never loved it nor made much friend inroads but we have good neighbours and I like the quality of life and I love that my family have settled so well! Kids wouldn't dream of returning now. They get sentimental but then horrified if I ask if they wished we'd stayed!

Eh why would people.be saying ltb ?! My husband is a strong minded man who has had many many opportunities to say he really doesn't want to go! He knows and has said that even though I've led on it it's a joint decision

I think that one problem may be that because your house hasn't sold yet you still have one foot in the door of the old place, you still have this little limbo period of uncertainty where you could back out. I think you made a move for very valid reasons (secondary schools, the downsides of city life) and it will pay off in the end. But there will be an adjustment period, and while you are still ruminating on your decision you're not throwing yourself actively into your new life. This is going to be a period of massive change and adjustment, but at the other side I see a much more happy peaceful life for you with just as happy a social life. But nothing happens instantly. And whilst your heads not in it you won't find your new life, propel yourself into action in building your new life, spend your mental energies in architecting the future, this move will pay off in the end and probably sooner than you think.

But don't stall on selling, that's just prolonging this painful purgatory period. Get it sold. Thrust yourself head first into your new life.

It's practically guaranteed that on any thread where posters are being supportive of a woman who is feeling bad about ANYTHING, someone will pop up and say 'Yeah, but if this was a man you'd all be saying LTB'.

It's sunny today ! Have a walk down to the beach, that'll cheer you up.

I returned to Btn ten years ago, then kids were younger. It took a while to get back in the swing. I did the dreaded PTA and that was a short cut to meet new people, plus just joining random stuff where I could. We're spending next weekend with London friends, so it's easy to stay in touch.

Keep the faith, the summer will be glorious. Just use Ovingdean or Shoreham beach not nr the pier!

Brighton is so much better than it was 20 years ago, more places to eat and nice shops. Just don't drive anywhere.