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Original poster

So angry at DH it scares me.

134 replies

BlueBloodedBlue · 28/04/2022 18:51

Quick background. Due to covid cancelled holidays, we have credit which we have to use on a holiday this summer. Like many people, I am totally exhausted (worked all the way through the pandemic) and desperately need a break and have been looking forward to this holiday so much.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this.

He has resisted booking this holiday for months and announced a couple of weeks ago it's because he doesn't feel he can fly (never had a problem with this before).

I am trying really hard to understand but to be honest I'm so angry at him. He says go without him but then I'm looking after the kids on my own which isn't exactly a holiday and also how the hell do we explain why he isn't coming.

The thought of not having a holiday in the sun actually makes me feel sick - without being dramatic (which maybe I am) it's what's kept me going over the last few months.

I don't think there's any answer but I'm concerned at how furious I am at him. Not sure what I'm asking really!

OP posts:
VeryQuaintIrene · 28/04/2022 18:54

Could you go on your own/take someone else?

TabithaTittlemouse · 28/04/2022 18:54

Would he consider therapy?

Crispynoodle · 28/04/2022 18:55

The obvious solution is to go with a friend and leave the children with him

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ComDummings · 28/04/2022 18:55

Leave the kids with him and holiday by yourself?
It does sound very frustrating that he hasn’t made any effort to do anything about his anxiety though. I’m not sure what you can do though, if he won’t help himself then that’s it really.

BadNomad · 28/04/2022 18:57

Let him take the kids to a caravan park or something. You take a friend/sister/mum for a sun holiday.

YellowHpok · 28/04/2022 18:58

I can see why you're annoyed.

As a minimum he needs to request a referral to primary care mental health services to deal with his increasing list of restrictions that are impacting on all of your lives. Failure to engage swiftly and meaningfully would leave me seriously questioning the relationship tbh.

Doona · 28/04/2022 19:03

Go without him. You'll be able to hire a car and go on the train and everywhere without him. Then, when he has his holiday (a different time) you can get time off the kids to make up for it. A holiday with the kids is obviously hard work but it can still be fun.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/04/2022 19:04

Depending on ages of children. I would find an AI with a great kids club and go. Its what i do all time as a Lp..

That said minimum I woukd expect him to be accessing help although accept there could be a waiting list. But would expect him to be making steps.

Does he work ? Dad can't get holiday is simple enough answer

RNBrie · 28/04/2022 19:09

I'd either go with a friend and leave the kids behind with him or I'd take the kids but go somewhere all inclusive so I didn't have to cook a single meal.

You do have options here but you have to be willing to rock the boat a little to make it happen. He might change his mind once he realises its happening without him.

P.s my mum had hypnotherapy to help with her massive fear of flying and it completely cured her, but she desperately wanted to be able to travel.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/04/2022 19:10

I’d be reconsidering my marriage as it sounds like he will continue crossing things off this list until he’s a full recluse

MzHz · 28/04/2022 19:12

Do you know what caused this problem?

my oh had panic attacks (his ex triggered them) and during covid it suddenly got so bad I couldn’t even drive him on a motorway, he was having panic attacks even as a passenger

he saw a PTSD Therapist for a few weeks/months at most, and while he gets a bit stressed at the idea of driving on ‘big’ roads he can be driven again and we’re working on his pushing boundaries to cope with more.

your H CAN overcome this. He really can. Get him to a therapist now and he should be ok to travel

if not, you’ll have to go without him while he seeks help

I get the anger. I got really pissed off having to sit in a fucking car showroom for hours because I couldn’t leave my car and come back later because he could not drive behind me

but they gave me lovely coffee, got to sit and chill for a couple of hours in a comfy chair… in a mask… but you get it, bit of quiet time wasn’t all that bad…

we’re taking his car in for service tomorrow… I ought to say he should wait there just so sees what effects his limitations have on others … 🤣😂

Soultrader · 28/04/2022 19:12

I couldn't put up with this. Its all very well having anxiety but he has a duty to seek help, not just make your world get smaller and smaller.

I say that as someone with severe anxiety and depression.

MzHz · 28/04/2022 19:14

Anxiety has claws. It gets the claws into you and keeps digging them in further and further

im an ex agoraphobic myself

you have to be a bit uncomfortable to get yourself out, you can turn this around

if you’re in north Hampshire sort of area, pm me, I know a guy 🤣😂

AdoraBell · 28/04/2022 19:15

I would go on holiday with a friend/sister/DM and let him deal with the children.

Original poster
BlueBloodedBlue · 28/04/2022 19:15

I'm glad I'm not just being a cow. I do really sympathise with him because I know he doesn't want this but my frustration comes from the fact he's never done anything about it.

He is such a good man and husband and an amazing father but does definitely bury his head in the sand and ignore anything that scares him. I've always managed it in the past but I really need this holiday and my patience has worn thin.

He's self employed so no holiday isn't an excuse sadly. Kids are teens and also are looking forward to a holiday so I guess the most likely solution is that we go without him but I know the rest of us don't want that and I don't want them to think any less of him because of this iyswim.

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 28/04/2022 19:17

I would be issuing some ultimatums. He doesn't get to shrink your world.

He is getting worse and there is still worse to come if he refuses to do anything about it

halfgirlhalfturnip · 28/04/2022 19:18

Go without him and encourage him even more to get therapy. Maybe you moving forward will be the sharp shock he needs.

Original poster
BlueBloodedBlue · 28/04/2022 19:19

MzHz · 28/04/2022 19:14

Anxiety has claws. It gets the claws into you and keeps digging them in further and further

im an ex agoraphobic myself

you have to be a bit uncomfortable to get yourself out, you can turn this around

if you’re in north Hampshire sort of area, pm me, I know a guy 🤣😂

We're not I'm afraid, but thank you.

maybe this will be the trigger that makes him seek help, as PP said, I feel like my world is shrinking and that also makes me cross.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 28/04/2022 19:20

YellowHpok · 28/04/2022 18:58

I can see why you're annoyed.

As a minimum he needs to request a referral to primary care mental health services to deal with his increasing list of restrictions that are impacting on all of your lives. Failure to engage swiftly and meaningfully would leave me seriously questioning the relationship tbh.

This ⬆️

PickySlackTastic · 28/04/2022 19:23

If the kids are teens, how much looking after will there really be?

Its okay to be really angry - especially given your dh won't seek treatment. Allow yourself that anger but then see if you can find some compassion too.

Badger1970 · 28/04/2022 19:23

OP I think you're being far too tolerant of his MH issues. They're not rational and yet you're all living around them.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 28/04/2022 19:31

I suffer from anxiety for random things and it sucks the joy out of life. When it got too bad earlier this year I started taking daytime kalms and also passion flower. All herbal. St John's wort helps too. Could he try one of these to see if he starts to feel better? Could he take beta blockers for travel? It must be so debilitating for him and for you all

SomersetONeil · 28/04/2022 19:36

You’re a far, far better person than I am.

My sympathy would have worn thin a long time ago.

He needs to sort himself out. Now.

It’s seriously impacting on all of his family and his relationship with you and that’s not good enough.

NerrSnerr · 28/04/2022 19:37

If the kids are teens I'd book an all inclusive holiday with them. They must know about his anxiety just through day to day life. They must know he doesn't go on the motorway or bridges surely? I'd tell them the truth (I bet they know anyway).

SomersetONeil · 28/04/2022 19:38

PickySlackTastic · 28/04/2022 19:23

If the kids are teens, how much looking after will there really be?

Its okay to be really angry - especially given your dh won't seek treatment. Allow yourself that anger but then see if you can find some compassion too.

He is actually the one who needs to find some compassion. For the OP and his family who’ve been living with this and have zero control over it for years. And now it’s getting worse.

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