So angry at DH it scares me.

[BlueBloodedBlue]

Quick background. Due to covid cancelled holidays, we have credit which we have to use on a holiday this summer. Like many people, I am totally exhausted (worked all the way through the pandemic) and desperately need a break and have been looking forward to this holiday so much.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this.

He has resisted booking this holiday for months and announced a couple of weeks ago it's because he doesn't feel he can fly (never had a problem with this before).

I am trying really hard to understand but to be honest I'm so angry at him. He says go without him but then I'm looking after the kids on my own which isn't exactly a holiday and also how the hell do we explain why he isn't coming.

The thought of not having a holiday in the sun actually makes me feel sick - without being dramatic (which maybe I am) it's what's kept me going over the last few months.

I don't think there's any answer but I'm concerned at how furious I am at him. Not sure what I'm asking really!

I wouldn't put up with this. He hasn't even made any effort to try therapy, get hypnotised, anything. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Go to a resort with a kids club/ activities for teens so you get a break on your own during the day.

Do you also tell people with anorexia that they should "just eat", or depressed people that they should "just cheer up"? Because saying that someone with anxiety should "just seek help" is in a similar vein. I'm sure he'd love help, and love to get better and be able to go on holiday with his family. But that's not that easy for someone with anxiety to do, because they are unwell.

Sorry, but once again, your analogy doesn’t work. You’re not comparing like with like.

I wouldn’t say ‘just eat’ to an anorexic, or ‘cheer up’ to someone with depression. But - if it were a family member with either of those conditions. I absolutely would be urging them to seek help.

I wouldn’t say to someone with anxiety ‘stop being anxious’, because that’s not helpful. But as above ^^ I’d absolutely be encouraging them to seek help.

Because otherwise, what’s the alternative? What’s your suggestion?

Everyone just live with it? Put up with into perpetuity? Pander to it? Accept it? Ignore it? All be affected by it? Have the whole family’s lives shrink because of it?

Be careful with things like St. John’s wort - if you are taking any medications concurrently it can affect how the drugs are processed (so the dose of the med may need to be altered - inform the gp/pharmacist if you are taking it and they can advise).

If he hasn’t ‘tried’ then he possibly isn’t self aware enough of what is happening yet. It’s a slippery slope and there’s a fine line between pushing someone out the door and being kind. Pushing someone too much will make it even worse and might cause him to become unable to leave the bloody house.

op what sparked it all off? Mine was my mum dying suddenly, I didn’t realise anything was wrong for a while until I was shaking just walking down the street. Then I couldn’t get on buses, couldn’t drive, couldn’t sit in a cinema. The common theme is escape. You fear anywhere that you cannot escape from in case you have an overwhelming panic attack of surge of adrenaline.

You need to use some mental trickery once you’ve undertaken cbt to let go of the control aspect. A fabulous book he could read tomorrow is Dr Julie Smith Why has no one told me this before - it’s got lots of cbt techniques and full of info and easy to read.

hope any of this helps and I get how hard it is when it’s not you feeling the way he feels, I’m sorry.

Before you make a decision on the holiday, how about you sit him down for a proper conversation about how much of an impact his mental health is having on his family? Get a feel for where he is with it. What is he worried about with the flying? Does he want to do something about it and what is he willing to do? Ask him plenty of questions, but make your own feelings on this clear and how it is affecting you and your DC.
Off the back of that, you can then make a decision on the holiday. Perhaps you could go with the kids and other adult family members, or a friend and their kids? You may feel better making your own plans where you and the kids get to go away. Your DH needs to know that he has to address this, for the sake of his family’s mental health too.

Also op look up exposure therapy, that and cbt and also if he goes to his gp some people have success with beta blockers which stop the physical effects of panic and adrenaline which might help break the cycle for him. All 3 of those were life changing for me. Well tell a lie, I didn’t get on with the beta blockers so cbt and exposure therapy. Good luck. 💐

It’s v difficult when someone is resistant to seeking help that they need. Personally I would see if they have things that they want you to do and see if I can use it to bargain with them about seeking help (not necessarily to go on holiday - I would just go without him). But for his long term benefit.

Some folk on this thread are talking rubbish.

I've been very mentally ill, it sucks and compassion is useful, BUT it has always been my responsibility to seek help. It was also never fair of me to hold others back just because I was struggling. Having a mental illness doesn't negate you of any personal responsibility or accountability and it doesn't mean people have to pause their entire lives for you either.

OP urge him to get help. It's unfair that he's not even tried and it will continue to limit your lives a lot more if he doesn't get some therapy and maybe some medication. In the meantime enjoy a lovely solo holiday or book somewhere AI with loads of teen activities, a nice pool and ignore them for the holiday haha. They will be fine!

Ex agoraphobic here too. Helped with SSRI, a lovely doctor and a self help book "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY"

I did have diazapam for a very long connecting flight once as well.

It's so hard but you have to fight back

Of course it’s your responsibility pp above but no one dealing with crippling anxiety as in you can’t live a normal life, deserves ‘furious anger.’

At no point have I said that I wouldn't encourage them to seek help. It is very obvious that he needs help.

I just don't think it is easy for him, and I don't think getting angry with him and blaming him is an appropriate response.

To me, and appropriate response would be to be kind and compassionate, be patient with him, and recognise that him seeking help will be difficult to do. Of course I'd be encouraging him to seek help. But I would not be angry with him that it is hard for him to do. Nor would I think it was somehow his fault that he was struggling to get help. I would keep signposting him in the right direction, and would seek any help I could for myself and as far as I could on his behalf (e.g I'd talk to the doctor - find out the process for referral etc). I'd be reading up on any strategies that could help, and look for further ways I would support him.

Where as you advocate being angry with him, because you think it is his fault that he is too unwell to seek help. And presumably, you think that getting angry with him will somehow make things better? Or that he deserves it? I disagree with this.

I’m going to disagree. I don’t think he is a good husband if he hasn’t sort help for his mental health problems.

Yes, exactly!

If he is up for seeking some help, I would also really recommend EMDR. I had/have PTSD and it made an enormous difference to me

I am afraid I’d leave my husband over this - you only get one life and it’s too short to spend living in someone else’s self-imposed prison!

Also a tip to pass along to your H, a poster above says feel the fear and do it anyway, this is really true. There is a book about this and certain military use that tip - cheesy as hell but make friends with fear. The more you fight anxiety and panic, the more this digs in and in, if you can say okay there you are again, thank you but we have nothing to worry about and try to let it wash over you. It takes practice and it’s not easy but a huge help for me that suffered like your H.

I think I’m out of this thread. The lack of compassion is crap. Op I was the same, feel free to pass my tips along to him if it can help him as a starter to seek advice and help.

He NEEDS to work on his anxiety for you as well as himself.
If all of a sudden now it's flying then what is going to come next?!
So sorry OP I can't imagine how this must feel for you :(

For better or for worse yeah? Taking those marriage vows very seriously!

Has he tried medication?

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo this man isn’t seeking help, he has his head in the sand and expects everyone else to live a restricted life to suit him. Nothing in the marriage vows about pandering to someone who won’t seek help for a medical condition as far as I remember!

If my partner wouldn’t go on motorways etc. I know I’d get frustrated.

But… I’ll say that therapy doesn’t always fix the problem. some people talk about therapy as though it’s a glorious solution to everything but it isn’t. I know it’s frustrating that he hasn’t tried though.

I genuinely feel for you both in this situation but pls try to remain calm and patient with him mental health problems can be absolutely debilitating and he will genuinely want to go but the fear of panic attacks and losing control just take over this is the reality of suffering from poor mental health. Just focus on encouraging him to get help I found exposure therapy really helpful. Just be aware mental health waiting lists are long and it's far from a magic fix iv been under mental health services for 20 years and still barely leave the house all you can do is be there for him and keep reminding yourself he's not doing it on purpose

Has he actually been diagnosed with anxiety, has he been to the gp? Could the Gp give him something for the flight?

I definitely think he needs help. I hope you get your holiday!!

I'm really torn on this.
I have developed a phobia of driving on motorways, which was made worse by lockdown. No idea why it started, other than maybe the fact that I'd let DH drive us everywhere without me noticing that's what I was doing. (I was carjacked at knifepoint about 13 years ago, so that may have had something to do with it too).
It became a big deal, to the point that I'd be awake all night before having to drive even a few miles on a motorway, and I'd feel tearful and shaky getting behind the wheel.
So, I understand the terror the OP's DH feels, I really do. It's a horrible feeling.
That said, I hated the idea that my world was going to shrink, so much so that I wouldn't be able to visit my children in the future, when they'd left home.
It was the fear of that that made me determined not to give in to it. Even if I was shaking, with my heart beating out of my chest, feeling like I was suffocating, I made myself do it. My DH offered to drive me, or told me I could go a different way to avoid the motorway, but I knew that the easy option was only going to make it harder in the long run.

I still don't enjoy it, but I've developed strategies and I make myself do it, which means it's got easier over time.

My DH has never got angry with me about it; he's nothing but supportive and understanding, while cheerleading me on from the sidelines, but that's because he knows I'm hard enough on myself, without him pressuring me. Gentle encouragement has definitely helped.