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Original poster

So angry at DH it scares me.

134 replies

BlueBloodedBlue · 28/04/2022 18:51

Quick background. Due to covid cancelled holidays, we have credit which we have to use on a holiday this summer. Like many people, I am totally exhausted (worked all the way through the pandemic) and desperately need a break and have been looking forward to this holiday so much.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this.

He has resisted booking this holiday for months and announced a couple of weeks ago it's because he doesn't feel he can fly (never had a problem with this before).

I am trying really hard to understand but to be honest I'm so angry at him. He says go without him but then I'm looking after the kids on my own which isn't exactly a holiday and also how the hell do we explain why he isn't coming.

The thought of not having a holiday in the sun actually makes me feel sick - without being dramatic (which maybe I am) it's what's kept me going over the last few months.

I don't think there's any answer but I'm concerned at how furious I am at him. Not sure what I'm asking really!

OP posts:
user1506328491 · 28/04/2022 22:00

Is taking anyone else an option? He needs to take steps to fix but sounds like it won't be sorted by summer and you need a holiday. I think when you get there you won't miss him as much / it won't feel a 'lack.' And you going might be the spur he needs (ie to feel the seriousness of the situation- my feelings stop me enjoying everyday family life.)
Don't not go just because he can't. Not fair on you or kids.

declutteringmymind · 28/04/2022 22:02

I'd get him to the GP if I could.

Clymene · 28/04/2022 22:04

Mental illness isn't a choice but the way you deal with it is

"DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this."

The bit in bold is the problem. He has a wife and children. He needs to at least try to address his creeping phobias. And not make his family suffer because of them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
MadKittenWoman · 28/04/2022 22:19

MargosKaftan · 28/04/2022 19:58

Book the holiday for you all. Tell him that you've done this. He doesn't get to refuse to do a perfectly normal thing that he was OK with doing in 2020 (hence you having the credit!) and pretend he is mentally healthy. Either he sucks it up and goes, or if that's not an option, then he gets help. He doesn't get to pretend he's not suffering from a mental illness that is negatively effecting you and the children. He doesn't get to pretend he's not changed when this was fine in 2020.

Book the holiday and tell him he comes along or if he refuses he gets help. But just refusing to go and refusing to get help is marriage ending. Please be this blunt. Please be clear as far as you are concerned, you are done accommodating rather than treating his illness.

Get angry. Hopefully it will be the kick up the bum he needs to face that actually he's not the same person he was in 2020 and might need help to get back to the old him. Good luck. Its going to be a long road. X

This.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/04/2022 22:19

Many posters have told OP to be patient and understanding. I think they may be missing that this has been going on and worsening for 30 years. Has she not already been patient? Is she never allowed a lapse from understanding?

I didn't think she was justifying her anger towards him. More that she was conflicted and guilty about it. Interesting how the woman has to be endlessly tolerant and any resentment from her is the worst crime ever, and presumably doesn't merit any understanding or patience from others.

OP, I would get a friend to go with you for adult company, take the pressure off him for this holiday but say you really want him to work on this for the future. What had the plan been when you originally booked your holiday pre Covid?

ctd11 · 28/04/2022 22:22

For starts you're not being very understanding? My dad deals with this anxiety and so do I. Over lockdown (I'm not sure if anyone else is the same) but my anxiety has got considerably worse so being a bit more understanding with him may be the nice thing to do.

Luculentus · 28/04/2022 22:22

If the kids are teens, they won't need that much looking after, will they? In fact it could be your chance to say to them that as this is your holiday too you are fully expecting them to muck in with packing and any other work that needs to be done.

KateMcCallister · 28/04/2022 22:25

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/04/2022 22:19

Many posters have told OP to be patient and understanding. I think they may be missing that this has been going on and worsening for 30 years. Has she not already been patient? Is she never allowed a lapse from understanding?

I didn't think she was justifying her anger towards him. More that she was conflicted and guilty about it. Interesting how the woman has to be endlessly tolerant and any resentment from her is the worst crime ever, and presumably doesn't merit any understanding or patience from others.

OP, I would get a friend to go with you for adult company, take the pressure off him for this holiday but say you really want him to work on this for the future. What had the plan been when you originally booked your holiday pre Covid?

This.

If he's taken no steps to try and alleviate his anxiety then he's wallowing in it.

I say that as someone who's got severe anxiety around trains but still manages to commute daily on a train. Some days I can't breathe, but I need to get to work.

Mariposista · 28/04/2022 22:32

While having a MH issue is understandable, refusing treatment when that is having an effect on the rest of the family is just selfish. I hope you and your kids get a nice holiday, you deserve it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 22:36

ctd11 · 28/04/2022 22:22

For starts you're not being very understanding? My dad deals with this anxiety and so do I. Over lockdown (I'm not sure if anyone else is the same) but my anxiety has got considerably worse so being a bit more understanding with him may be the nice thing to do.

Her husband has done nothing to try to combat his anxiety though and it's affecting family life.

I have bipolar. If I refused to take my meds I would be unwell. My partner wouldn't be being nasty if he walked away if I did that, as it would make my behaviour unfair on him and it would be an active choice of mine not to take meds rather than engaging with help and support.

I want to be well for me and for our shared life.

Nobody's mental health outweighs that of their partner and if he hasn't proactively been seeking any help, despite being encouraged or asked to, then he's being very selfish.

ImTheFuckOffCar · 28/04/2022 22:45

Encourage him to seek help.
Book a holiday for all of you.
Be prepared to go alone.

HerbErtlinger · 28/04/2022 22:47

I feel your pain. My oh has PTSD from an accident a few years ago and one of the triggers is being away from home. We haven't been abroad since it happened but he's seen a counsellor and we are making small inroads. We managed 3 nights away with the kids to the Isle of Wight and actually had a good time and kept the anxiety at bay. Previous UK trips of a week or so have been disasters so this was a big deal. We're planning on 3 nights in Cornwall over the summer. Going abroad though seems quite far away still so I sympathise. Like your DH, mine says to go without him but I want to go with him. I have felt angry and disappointed with him, even a night away at a nice hotel for a birthday would have been too much. I eventually told him that life feels very boring and sad without these things to look forward to which prompted him to get some support. I think your DH would benefit from it too

BeeBeeBea · 28/04/2022 22:50

That sounds miserable OP. I'd take your DC on hols and leave him home.

He can make his choices to not do certain things, but it shouldn't negatively impact on all of you.

Hope you manage to book somewhere lovely and sunny and enjoy a break!!

OuchitHurtstoomuch · 28/04/2022 22:52

I can't believe the lack of understanding and lack of compassion on this thread. It's shocking. I also don't get the issue about the OPs world shrinking. The OP can go with her kids on her own if she wants. The OPs husband has had MH problems for a long time it's not something that's easy to fix. As long as he isn't trying to control what the OP does then it's up to him how he deals with his own mental health issues. Having said that I'd obviously be encouraging him to get help.

D0lphine · 28/04/2022 22:53

He needs to work on his anxiety as a non- negotiable for your marriage going forward.

Can you go away with mum / friend / siblings to lessen the work with the kids?

Alternatively go away yourself!!!

DONT let him stop you doing things! It's not fair!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 23:02

OuchitHurtstoomuch · 28/04/2022 22:52

I can't believe the lack of understanding and lack of compassion on this thread. It's shocking. I also don't get the issue about the OPs world shrinking. The OP can go with her kids on her own if she wants. The OPs husband has had MH problems for a long time it's not something that's easy to fix. As long as he isn't trying to control what the OP does then it's up to him how he deals with his own mental health issues. Having said that I'd obviously be encouraging him to get help.

She has tried: "Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this."

And it does impact his wife and kids, of course it does.

As I said upthread I have bipolar. I need medication and so take it daily because it's my responsibility to keep myself safe and well and also not negatively impact the lives of the people I love.

Juniper68 · 28/04/2022 23:10

Have you thought of taking the kids on a Mediterranean cruise? Plenty for them to do and you can relax. Plus chat to others.

Allthe4s · 28/04/2022 23:11

I feel for you OP, sounds like you really need this holiday. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all and personally would plan to go with the DCs.

The holiday is tip of the iceberg/straw that might break the camels back - did you say he can’t be driven over bridges? This is becoming really severe level of anxiety that he needs an intervention for; him not going on holiday and reflecting on that might be it.

D0lphine · 28/04/2022 23:12

Juniper68 · 28/04/2022 23:10

Have you thought of taking the kids on a Mediterranean cruise? Plenty for them to do and you can relax. Plus chat to others.

Take them somewhere with a kids club? Have a few hours a day to yourself

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 28/04/2022 23:16

I agree he needs help. But to get a holiday booked could you not consider a cruise? You can go from Southampton, travel down by train. The kids will have kids clubs and pools and a great time and you will have more food and drink than you've ever seen, west end shows and a five star service.

Can you tell I love cruising? We resisted but once we did it - never looked back. Our kids are now adult and they love it too.

Juniper68 · 28/04/2022 23:19

D0lphine · 28/04/2022 23:12

Take them somewhere with a kids club? Have a few hours a day to yourself

Show quote history

Cruises have kids clubs.

@Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly snap!

Saracenia · 28/04/2022 23:41

He could see his doctor and get some anti-anxiety meds for the journey. I know people who do that. At the same time it would flag up to his GP his fears and they may explore that a bit more whilst he is there. If you can get him to go, that is.

Ormally · 28/04/2022 23:47

PenelopeLively · 28/04/2022 20:43

If he hasn’t ‘tried’ then he possibly isn’t self aware enough of what is happening yet. It’s a slippery slope and there’s a fine line between pushing someone out the door and being kind. Pushing someone too much will make it even worse and might cause him to become unable to leave the bloody house.

op what sparked it all off? Mine was my mum dying suddenly, I didn’t realise anything was wrong for a while until I was shaking just walking down the street. Then I couldn’t get on buses, couldn’t drive, couldn’t sit in a cinema. The common theme is escape. You fear anywhere that you cannot escape from in case you have an overwhelming panic attack of surge of adrenaline.

You need to use some mental trickery once you’ve undertaken cbt to let go of the control aspect. A fabulous book he could read tomorrow is Dr Julie Smith Why has no one told me this before - it’s got lots of cbt techniques and full of info and easy to read.

hope any of this helps and I get how hard it is when it’s not you feeling the way he feels, I’m sorry.

This is a post that resonates - the 'What sparked it all off?' part.

I am now anxious about some parts of travel, which if I try to suppress it, it will seep through as a physical reaction, like adrenaline waves or being really, seriously wired on caffeine. Eventually you can feel or be sick, but not for some time. It can be far worse when travelling with kids or people you feel responsible for or just don't want to 'derail'. Mentally, if you like, I don't feel noticeably terrified or uncontrolled especially, as I have a background where I used to travel a lot, and mostly found it boring but rewarding, so the physical sensations are weird and seem to come from something unconscious, although there will be a trigger or association for it.

So where did this come from? The serious illness and near-poisoning of my Dad, due to a medication, 8 years ago. To me this has very little to do with travel, but was a lifechanging experience that I can do nothing to change. Did the pandemic make it worse? I don't believe so, but it adds an extra layer of health-related roulette that is not helpful. Had therapy, taken a lot on board, can tolerate the situation but not enjoy it. Therapy or medication can't just take things away to leave fully predictable effects. Could I fix it in time for a 2022 summer holiday? If only.

Allinhistiming · 28/04/2022 23:58

Please get your husband to seek help. My Dad was undiagnosed for years and a few events tipped him over the edge. His anxiety turned into depression but thankfully he's okay now. He was prescribed some meds and is only on one now. They really helped as did us advising him to set boundaries and be kind to himself. Everyone's situation is different though I know. Take care I hope you all get a holiday you definitely deserve it . ❤

SomersetONeil · 29/04/2022 00:24

ctd11 · 28/04/2022 22:22

For starts you're not being very understanding? My dad deals with this anxiety and so do I. Over lockdown (I'm not sure if anyone else is the same) but my anxiety has got considerably worse so being a bit more understanding with him may be the nice thing to do.

30 years.

30 years of patience and understanding.

Some of you seem to expect absolute martyrs / doormats / robots as partners - with no feelings, emotions or even (no doubt highly exacerbated) mental health issues of their own.

Good luck with that.

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