So angry at DH it scares me.

[BlueBloodedBlue]

Quick background. Due to covid cancelled holidays, we have credit which we have to use on a holiday this summer. Like many people, I am totally exhausted (worked all the way through the pandemic) and desperately need a break and have been looking forward to this holiday so much.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this.

He has resisted booking this holiday for months and announced a couple of weeks ago it's because he doesn't feel he can fly (never had a problem with this before).

I am trying really hard to understand but to be honest I'm so angry at him. He says go without him but then I'm looking after the kids on my own which isn't exactly a holiday and also how the hell do we explain why he isn't coming.

The thought of not having a holiday in the sun actually makes me feel sick - without being dramatic (which maybe I am) it's what's kept me going over the last few months.

I don't think there's any answer but I'm concerned at how furious I am at him. Not sure what I'm asking really!

I don’t know why people are suggesting you go without him. I couldn’t fly for over 20 years but we worked it out.

A cruise from the UK? Southampton maybe? Royal Caribbean is made for families with teens. Go the long way round to avoid motorways and bridges. There is always a way.
We didn’t do this every year because we couldn’t afford it but managed 2 very special cruises over a 10 year period and made loads of memories for the kids which they all remember in great detail. More so I think than if they had gone on a package holiday to Greece or Spain every year.

Your DH is suffering with his mental health. He probably feels embarrassed about going to the doctor about his anxiety. You can try gentle encouragement but if that doesn’t work you will just have to put your big girl pants on and take your kids on holiday without him. It won’t be that hard if they are teenagers surely?

For people suggesting cruises and alternative holidays. Missing the point and READ THE OP, he can’t go on motorways so how does he get to Southampton! This is way behind a fear of flying.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube.

Thank you for all the replies.

Im not going to leave him, we've been together for over 35 years and this is just a part of a very good and kind man. None of us are perfect and this is an illness that he hasn't chosen. We've managed to work around it for a long time.

That said, you're all right, he really does have to try and conquer it. I think the last 2 years have had such a damaging effect in everyone's mental health but this is escalating for him and needs to be addressed.

Thank you for all the ideas and advice and I'm sorry to hear so many people have similar issues.

He needs to see a doctor about this. If he doesn’t then he’s not participating in family life, and his MH will enforce more and more restrictions on your life.

Sorry, re holiday - it's not that I can't go without him, I don't want to. It's unlikely we will be able to afford another holiday for a few years (if the money wasn't already there, we couldn't afford one this year) and I feel this might be the last proper family holiday while the DC are young enough to want to come with us!

I think that's why I'm so upset and angry that it probably won't happen.

My daughter has agoraphobia too. Try not to be angry. Try to understand how he is feeling. It's terrifying. He's probably having panic attacks and required Sertraline.

Well your options are limited then aren't they? He won't fly and you don't want to go without him?

I personally wouldn't want us all to miss out. I would ask someone else to come with us (actually took my MIL away instead of DP last year as he couldn't get the time off work!)

Ashwagandha may well help him, we used it on a teen refusing to go to school and it's been amazing. Said teen is now going in daily and is more communicative and even more amazingly, smiley. Available over the internet counter, takes about four days to start working. Contra indicative for auto immune issues. Fingers crossed for your family holiday.

Feels unfair that the children miss out on a holiday when there is a parent able to take them- especially as your husband is unwilling to consider getting help.

Ok well that makes sense then. I totally get it when you put it like this. Have you explained your feelings to your DH nicely like this. I think if you did it would be more likely to touch his heart, thus hopefully spur him on to get help, rather than any ranting and raving would.

I think i would go without him. When my kids were younger my DH was studying a lot - over a period of years. So I went away without him, with the children. We had a lovely time together and had fun. Once we had the opportunity to visit my brother in a country 9 hours flight away. DH didn’t want to use his holiday allowance for that - so I went with the children. He actually regretted not coming as we had a fabulous holiday.
Maybe some time to reflect on what he really wants will help him. Also why should the children, and you, miss out on a holiday and a rest because of their Father? He can be at home, in his comfort zone. Your and the children can enjoy different activities. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face - where is the break/relaxation you need if you don’t go away?

I think the OP would have tried this. It's been going on for thirty years! Her DH knows he's got depression but refuses to do anything about it but some people on here seem to think that he's the only one that deserves compassion, not the OP. It's clearly the DH that needs to take action. His lack of addressing it is what has caused it to get worse. Anxiety feeds on avoidance, so the more things he avoids things the more things he'll start to become afraid of; it's the opposite to exposure therapy.

I hope you enjoy your holiday OP. I can really understand your frustration. I think it's perfectly reasonable to sit your husband down and explain how it's affecting you and your family life, and you're at the end of your tether.

But then the credit for this summer's holiday will be lost, and you just won't ever get this 'last family holiday', with or without him. So surely it's better to go and make the best of it, especially since you really need a break yourself?

Flip your thinking.

It probably will happen if you book it and tell him it’s booked, and that it’s happening on X dates and you’re flying to and from Z.
Then he just needs to go get beta blockers etc and take the appropriate action fit himself.

You’ve become so accustomed over the years of ‘working around it’ that you’ve automatically defaulted to this being a situation you have to work around too - by avoiding it. That’s not helping you and importantly it’s also not helping him.

And if it turns out he cannot come in the end, then if you go with the DC at least you will have had a last holiday with them where they want to come. If you don’t book it you’ll definitely lose out.

Given that the kids are teens I would book somewhere all inclusive that will really appeal to them and has plenty for them to do, and go without him this time. I would also insist he gets help for this otherwise it will taint your life forever more.

I get why you are angry.
But I also think you’ve facilitated him for the last 35years. That’s why he has never done anything about it. He didn’t need to as you have been done the work/adapting.

But now YOU need support. You need the holiday to recover from the last two years. For your own health and MH you need to look after yourself and instead he is putting yet one more barrier in the way.
im afraid the answer here is to put yourself first. You need a break, take the break. For your own MH if anything.
Depending on your independent your teens are, go on your own or take them with you. But I’d say that going in your own will be better in helping you recover. Whatever you do it HAS TO be something that will allow you to rest, recover and enjoy yourself, even if he isn’t there. (that also means not a hols centred around what the dcs want to do but you don’t)

Then have a chat with him about the impact his condition has and why is it that he STILL hasn’t done anything about it. Remind him that having a condition that restricts what you can do is Ok and not an issue but not doing anything about it isnt.

Btw re the last holidays with the dcs etc…

If you go, you get the holidays with the dcs. You get your holiday knowing that you won’t have anouther one for a few years. You basically get what you were after.
The person who doesn’t get that is your DH. And he doesn’t get it because for the first time ever, you haven’t facilitated his head in the sand attitude. He doesn’t get it because for once, his wants and needs haven’t been put first, before anyone else (Let’s be honest, how many things have you nit done because ‘he couldn’t cope with it’ despite the fact it’s something you really wanted to do?). And that’s ok because he’s had 35 years to actually seek support for himself and he hasn’t. That’s not your fault nor your responsibility.

So go away and enjoy that holiday with your dcs. Hose something that means it won’t be too taxing for you but they will enjoy.
But don’t stay at home and see that opportunity disappear in from of you. It will make you resentful, unhappy AND won’t allow you to recover from the last two years (which you need).
For once, put yourself first

Btw, I have ME.
Basically all the things my dcs and DH enjoy doing, the stuff they want to do during the hols I cannot do anymore.

i would NEVER expect all my family holiday to be planned around me. In a case like this (hols booked a year ago but not well enough now to do it), I’d expect them to go Wo me.
Then we’d organise something at home for all of us (even if it’s just a few days out etc…) that I can participate.

Thats life. It’s crap. For me, for DH and the dcs (because we can’t share all the stuff we used to share) but that’s life. Your life can’t stop because his is getting smaller

'Not being very understanding'? What would more understanding look like? I think op has been very understanding in past 30 years! Of course there's also that always directed at woman be 'nice', who cares if you are upset or negatively affected by things, you can have no opinion or have thoughts taken into account and if you try to have this, you just have no compassion... 🙄🙄

People can be frightened to go to the doctor to address mental health issues.

I'd speak to him again and explain how you feel and see if there is a way round this. If he can't go on motorways or bridges driving, would he consider travelling by train or boat?

If you can get him to the doctors then maybe something like Valium taken on the day of travel would help. There is a lot of help out there but none of it works overnight.

Maybe some apps online to help. Look at things such as breathing exercises and other ways to help in times of panic.

Good luck. Don't give up on him or your holiday.

Book the holiday for all of you. Tell him this is rock bottom for you, you have helped and accommodated and worked round his mental health problems (and do call it mental health problems, dont sugar-coat it), but now you need this trip and you need him to at least try to fix his problems. If he can't go on the holiday, he needs to admit this is now beyond finding some things a bit difficult and he needs professional help.

Your allowing his behaviour, therefore he sees nothing wrong with it.

If I was you I'd be taking to the GP and going with him and explaining how bad it is. He needs mental health support. The sooner the better.

Your DH needs to seek real life support as his anxiety is not impacting on others in the family. That isnt acceptable.

is now....