So angry at DH it scares me.

[BlueBloodedBlue]

Quick background. Due to covid cancelled holidays, we have credit which we have to use on a holiday this summer. Like many people, I am totally exhausted (worked all the way through the pandemic) and desperately need a break and have been looking forward to this holiday so much.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this.

He has resisted booking this holiday for months and announced a couple of weeks ago it's because he doesn't feel he can fly (never had a problem with this before).

I am trying really hard to understand but to be honest I'm so angry at him. He says go without him but then I'm looking after the kids on my own which isn't exactly a holiday and also how the hell do we explain why he isn't coming.

The thought of not having a holiday in the sun actually makes me feel sick - without being dramatic (which maybe I am) it's what's kept me going over the last few months.

I don't think there's any answer but I'm concerned at how furious I am at him. Not sure what I'm asking really!

Right, well if kids are teens then the ‘looking after’ bit on holiday can be basically benign neglect while you sit by the pool so book whatever version of holiday allows you most relaxation- i.e. all inclusive with excellent teen-friendly activities they can do alone.

Deal with the issue of telling them why DH isn’t coming by telling them he is too anxious to fly. They’re surely not unaware he deals with anxiety - I don’t like motorway driving and my kids know that. I wouldn’t expect them to ‘think less of me’.

Tell DH he needs to seek help his counselling.

Book the holiday.

Blimey. I’m reading these responses and wondering what marriage vows mean to some of you.

what happened to better or worse? The guy has a mental illness and you’re suggesting leaving being the answer?

OP I can totally see that’s not where you’re at. You absolutely can go away on your own or with the kids - as teenagers they’re likely to give you plenty of your own space. I understand it’s probably anger from a place of sorrow rather than anything else.

He DOES need help and maybe this is the trigger that will get him moving in the right direction

have a lovely holiday x

Are there any EMDR practitioners anywhere near you? This is a therapy with very impressive and often quite fast results with a very good evidence base. Or if not EMDR, hypnotherapy. These are very good methods for treating phobias and anxiety. I've tried it myself with excellent results and friends of mine have also done this and seen a huge reduction in phobias / addictions / anxiety. It can be expensive but I only had a couple of sessions to deal with the specific issue I wanted to tackle and this was enough.

He's ill! He's not doing this on purpose, and the failure to seek help is likely also part of his mental illness.

Would you be so angry if it was a physical illness, rather than a mental illness that was preventing him from going?

You need to be supportive, and kindly and gently try to encourage him to seek help, not be angry at him for having a mental illness that he cannot help. He'll need your support - for someone with mental illness, seeking help can be a very difficult thing to do.

He's not trying to restrict your life. He's happy for you to go without him. And since the "children" are in fact teenagers, there's no looking after required, and they're likely to be good company.

what happened to better or worse? The guy has a mental illness and you’re suggesting leaving being the answer?

I’ve gone back and re-read the thread.

Not one person has suggested leaving him.

Several people have suggested going on holiday without him.

I'd organise something for yourself and the kids for this summer but explain to your dh that he needs to get help.

It can take a long time to get a therapist (depending on area) on the NHS so the sooner he gets on the waiting list the better.

It can be difficult to know how bad an anxiety condition is for the person with it as the anxiety and adjustments just becomes normal.

Having said all that, even if he goes through therapy, he may not be entirely cured. I've had years of therapy and I'm still fairly limited in many ways. Lockdown has made it worse. I can do some things but it isn't pleasant for me.

A holiday, depending on the location, would be very difficult for me. I could go but it would be physically painful and more of an endurance test than I happy occasion.

Yes if a DH was ill and refused to do anything about it but continued to allow his illness to drag his family down then I would give the same response.

Regardless of what or how this is affecting him his failure is in being selfish and allowing it to get worse without seeking any help. They are not obligated to worsen their lives to pander to him.

I'm really scared to fly after a traumatic experience years ago but this year we want to take our girls abroad on a plane and so I have to get a grip.
I know there are levels of fear and anxiety but he could at least see the GP and ask about medication. I would be angry too as he's shutting the door on a big part of family life.
I would go with the kids and make the best of it, as you need the break.
Unless I could see some real effort to get help I would be thinking about the future and all the other things you will end up doing alone.

Book the holiday for you all. Tell him that you've done this. He doesn't get to refuse to do a perfectly normal thing that he was OK with doing in 2020 (hence you having the credit!) and pretend he is mentally healthy. Either he sucks it up and goes, or if that's not an option, then he gets help. He doesn't get to pretend he's not suffering from a mental illness that is negatively effecting you and the children. He doesn't get to pretend he's not changed when this was fine in 2020.

Book the holiday and tell him he comes along or if he refuses he gets help. But just refusing to go and refusing to get help is marriage ending. Please be this blunt. Please be clear as far as you are concerned, you are done accommodating rather than treating his illness.

Get angry. Hopefully it will be the kick up the bum he needs to face that actually he's not the same person he was in 2020 and might need help to get back to the old him. Good luck. Its going to be a long road. X

This!

He needs to realise that this impacts the entire family. I couldn't.live with this: why do his needs trump yours? You're exhausted and he's not seeing this as important here.

I agree he needs to get hep but that doesn't mean he'll be 'fixed'. I've had years of therapy and now medication over very similar anxiety to your DH.

I still feel like I'm dying when I'm in similar situations. I feel pure abject terror. It doesn't matter that it's irrational, by body reacts and feels like it's being destroyed from the inside out.

The best thing is when the people I'm out with understand and follow my lead. Anyone issuing ultimatums would make it much worse and probably trigger and attack.

But the refusal to do anything about it is part of the mental illness. For someone mentally well, it's easy to say "just get help", but for the person with anxiety it will be an extremely difficult thing to do.

It's like being angry with someone with a broken leg because they haven't managed to grow bone back quickly enough!

It's not currently within his control, and he will need help, kindness and support before he is in a place where he is able to get the help that he needs.

Yous could look at getting a sedative for the car ride and or flying lots do it. Just a thought

Your kids are teens. I don't understand why you can't go without him or why you're worried about how to explain it. Who do you need to explain it to?

I get why you're frustrated. My DH's health anxiety has increased enormously and it is exhausting. Help him seek help. Then go on the holiday with your teens. Take a friend too if you want.

Just to add, there is a lot of misunderstanding about MH issues and anxiety on this thread. I'm shocked that such views exist in 2022.

Ultimatums, getting angry and pretending the world hasn't changed since pre-pandemic won't help. Your DH isn't trying to deliberately make your life harder. Support him to find an appropriate counsellor.

That's a ridiculous comparison. She isn't expecting him to recover instantly. If he had medical assistance with a presumed recovery time frame all the will in the world couldn't rush it.

But he's done sweet fuck all.
She doesn't have to put up with this.
Pandering to him won't help. He could end up getting a lot worse. Hard boundaries would help him more.

I used to be terrified of motorways, planes, tubes, basically anything that meant I was ‘trapped’, so I totally understand your DH.

However, knowing how crippling it was I absolutely didn’t want my then small children to think there was anything to be fearful of and develop their own phobias, so I had to just bite the bullet. Also realised that anxiety makes you very selfish and that’s just not fair on the family around you.

i did the Virgin Fear of Flying course which was amazing at examining any and all my phobias. Also included some self hypnosis and EMDR. Would he consider giving something like it a go?

I really wouldn’t lie to the kids, if they’re teens they’ll have probably figured it out anyway and lying just gives power to the thoughts. You need to expose them for what they are.

And it’s nothing like a broken leg, it works be like having a broken leg, not putting plaster on it and jumping up and down on it 20 times a day and complaining it’s a but iffy. Knowing someone has sought help/to try and overcome their phobias but still can’t manage is different from someone just shrinking their world to accommodate them.

Good luck

I’d argue that your example is wrong for this situation.

it’s more like, husband has a sprained ankle which he wouldn’t seek help for even though he should have and it’s deteriorated so badly that now he can’t stand and bones are becoming severely damaged, but he still won’t seek help even if that means missing out on family activities, causing detriment to family life.

if it was the psychical I’d be so angry so why can’t op be angry?

I work in mental health, it is in his control the support and kindness you speak of probably means enabling, enabling the anxiety to get worse and worse. how else do people with anxiety disorders seek help, he’s not motivated or willing to get the help is the issue I see.

For the people saying oh just go on your own, most people like some adult company in holiday, especially if you have a partner/spouse, of course he needs support and treatment, but this has been going on for a long time and his choice not to access it is having a negative impact on his family

Actually two posters have pretty much implied it...one said to reconsider the marriage and the other was issuing ultimatums.

OP, I would hope your DC wouldn't think less of him due to his MH issues but that's on you to help guide them through it. Your reaction and response will, in part, determine theirs.

I can understand it’s very frustrating for you. I don’t know your husband but I’m pretty sure he’s not doing it on purpose. I live with anxiety every day. It is debilitating and horrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone - especially the way it makes some people act towards you.

The thought of flying makes his anxiety worse. The idea of you going without a holiday makes you feel angry and sick. The compromise is that you go with the kids and he gets help for his condition.

He has a mental illness. He cannot seek help because he is mentally unwell. This is outwith his control, and that is why he is currently unable to seek help.

It's his ILLNESS that is preventing him from seeking help. He cannot help that.

Do you also tell people with anorexia that they should "just eat", or depressed people that they should "just cheer up"? Because saying that someone with anxiety should "just seek help" is in a similar vein. I'm sure he'd love help, and love to get better and be able to go on holiday with his family. But that's not that easy for someone with anxiety to do, because they are unwell.

It is very much within his control. He can seek help, he is choosing not to. He doesn't have to like it. He doesn't have to enjoy it. But he does have to do it.

OP does not have to suffer for his choice to not seek medical attention for something that can be dealt with by professionals

Sorry I disagree, I think you are being harsh. Sounds like he has full blown agoraphobia. It’s horrendous. Yes he needs to get therapy - probably CBT - do you have a local service through gp? If not at the very least looking up some basic cbt on how to deal with panic and agoraphobia will help. Getting angry will not help. Ido feel bad for you as it is draining to deal with but I wouldn’t wish that level of anxiety on anyone.

Also no it’s not always in control. He may not understand how bad he is or how he is sliding into agoraphobia