So angry at DH it scares me.

[BlueBloodedBlue]

Quick background. Due to covid cancelled holidays, we have credit which we have to use on a holiday this summer. Like many people, I am totally exhausted (worked all the way through the pandemic) and desperately need a break and have been looking forward to this holiday so much.

DH has anxiety which has manifested itself over the last 30 years in him not being able to drive (or be driven) on motorways, can't go over bridges and he doesn't go on the tube. Despite me suggesting it many times, he's never tried to do anything about this.

He has resisted booking this holiday for months and announced a couple of weeks ago it's because he doesn't feel he can fly (never had a problem with this before).

I am trying really hard to understand but to be honest I'm so angry at him. He says go without him but then I'm looking after the kids on my own which isn't exactly a holiday and also how the hell do we explain why he isn't coming.

The thought of not having a holiday in the sun actually makes me feel sick - without being dramatic (which maybe I am) it's what's kept me going over the last few months.

I don't think there's any answer but I'm concerned at how furious I am at him. Not sure what I'm asking really!

Tbh yes it can be hard, esp for a man, to go and see his GP.
And yes lockdowns has made things worse for a lot of people re anxiety.

But the issue isn’t that.
it’s the fact this man hasn’t sought ANY help at all in 35 years.
it’s the fact he hasn’t mentioned that things we’re worse to the OP with the lockdowns and STILL hasn’t done anything to help himself.

So yes ‘be nice’ blablabla.
But as far as I’m concerned, it only comes when the person has tried to help themselves too.
Its not ok to expect people ‘to be nice’ and make efforts to work around you whilst you make no efforts at all to make things better for yourself and easier on people who live with you.

IF one has tried their best, (GP as a minimum but over 35 years, I’d be expecting them to have done other stuff such as counselling or hypnotherapy. Having issues going under a bridge is not a small issue for example), THEN yes ‘be nice’ is appropriate (and I suspect that OP wouldn’t be anywhere as angry as she is)

I wouldn't stay with a man who limited both our lives so much without even considering therapy.

OP please go without him.
I know you don't want to but the DC want a break and so do you. As they're teens it shouldn't be too hands on for you - book AI or something like Neilson with activities if it isn't too expensive. You deserve a break and there's no reason why you shouldn't have one - it will just be a bit different from how you anticipated within DH.

I didn’t mean YOU were afraid, I meant more

One has to be uncomfortable to break the routine of anxiety etc etc

to make any improvement in this kind of thing ONE has to dig deeper, be braver and feel the fear but keep going

it’s the only way to shake it.

your h needs consequences

my h loves a bit of sun… I told him that if he can’t even be a passenger then we won’t get a holiday and that’s not acceptable to anyone

it was the trigger he needed to do something about it

but HE did it. I can’t do that for him anymore than you can do anything for yours

im sorry you didn’t see my post for the advice/insight intended

I think you’ve got too close to this. Step back, outline the life he’ll create or limit him self and his family to and remind him that lockdown is over and he has no right or business continuing it for you all.

And the psychologist guy was for your husband, clearly - he’s a specialist in ptsd and irrational fears

transformed my h

My daughter has crippling anxiety. Her behaviour is often intolerable as a direct result. It has taken us five exhausting years to persuade her to get any treatment. And, yes, I do mean persuade as it’s pointless shoving someone into a room with a counsellor if they are not ready to engage.

I have never once considered walking away from her because her mental illness makes things hard. Because I love her.

Whether it is daughter or husband you make a commitment to that person. It comes with the territory.

Whether it is daughter or husband you make a commitment to that person. It comes with the territory. @Tiredalwaystired forever and no matter to the impact on you and the rest of the family? I think there's a huge difference between a never ending commitment to a partner/spouse and a child though!

Of course there is. It’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that things may become untenable in a relationship, but neither party should be able to end it.

Divorce exists for a reason.

@Tiredalwaystired a dd isn’t the same as a husband.
an adult child isn’t the same as a teenage child.
there is a point in your life when, even with your own child, you have put boundaries and say enough is enough.

of you have a child whose behaviour is intolerable and they are children/teen, then yes you don’t give up and walk away.
when you have a child whose behaviour is intolerable and they are adult. They’ve many opportunities to get better or at least try. Then yes I believe that by still accepting the behaviour, you, as a parent, are only facilitating the problematic behaviour.
If it’s your dh (and you have dcs etc.,,) then I think the dcs and yourself should come first. There is no reason you should facilitate crap behaviour from an adult. Even less so when doing so is detrimental
to yourself and impacting your dcs too