Nobody got our DC an easter egg

[HappyEaster2022]

Before anybody accuses me of being grabby, it's the thought that counts and its the fact nobody thought of them which has hurt me.

I have 3 children (one is just a little baby but the older two are well aware of easter)

I don't have much family and the ones I do have are complex characters which means my children miss out on having traditionally good relationships with family.

My relationship with my DM has gone because of her drinking, we've been pretty much NC, I stopped calling and the contact just stopped as it was always me making the effort - but it wouldn't have killed her to drop an egg off at the door for the kids would it? I thought she would have done as despite her habit I believed she loved them in her own way. They adored her.

I'm also NC with my aunt now, the only other relative who ever really bothered with the kids at easter and other occasions, because she was enabling my mum and was becoming really toxic for me.

So there's nobody on my side who bothers with the kids now. I have a DB who lives quite far away and our relationship has suffered because he and his DW are having fertility struggles and I think they find it hard to see/be around me and my DC we represent the unfairness of it all. Its not nice but I understand it.

OH's family are completely uninvolved and we don't hear from them unless they want to borrow money, none of our kids have ever had so much as a birthday card or call wishing them a happy birthday.

Obviously the lack of easter eggs is just symptomatic of the bigger picture and it's not really about chocolate at all, special occasions just make you look at the disparity with other families I think.

What a shit family we've brought our children into. I feel so sad for them and myself if I'm honest

I buy my kids one Easter egg each. The in laws used to go OTT with eggs fir them too but thankfully that’s stopped. Mil has dementia now so doesn’t know what Easter is and we went NC with sil for years.

I certainly wasn’t aware that I was supposed to be buying for all and sundry.

@coffeeisthebest

Can you access therapy OP? It will be all manner of hell looking for a substitute mother and the women I know who do this are like eternal children looking for validation. The healthiest way to do this is to access your own inner mother through therapy. I would strongly advise it!

God that sounds like me

The only therapy I've been able to access via the NHS has been CBT and that was a long wait in itself and not particularly helpful for the mother/abandonment issues I have.

We don't have the funds to pay for the type of longterm therapy I'd need to unpack everything to be honest.

Perhaps some self help books would be a good start

Apart from me, nobody ‘bought’ my DC an Easter egg either. Sure you’ve issues with your dd lily but equating a lack of Easter eggs with lack of love is silly.

I’m in great terms with my family and my children know they love them.

@HappyEaster2022

((HUG)) I'm sorry you & your kids don't have the extended family that you'd love to have.

It's about being thought about & cared for, it's understandable that you long for that.

It's definitely more difficult to make good friends when you have children with additional needs, but hopefully that new group will help!

My phone or MN is playing up, so can't write much more, but know that someone old enough to be your mum is thinking about you & your kids today 🐰 🌸

They got an egg from you!

I don't remember who got us eggs or not as kids. I liked Easter because it was spring, because the weather was getting better, because I could play out with friends and my siblings, honestly not because of chocolate.

Do some fun stuff with your kids and forget about who hasn't bought them chocolate.

Yabuuuuu
You buy eggs for your own kids and thats that.

I cant even imagine the chaos if other people would have sent us chocolate eggs today. We were already drowning in chocolate.

And lets be honest
Didn't we all ate way too much chocolate today? We dont need to be sending chocolate chocolate to other people

And yes. You do sound grabby. Not a nice characteristic trait

I can sympathise. It is times like Easter that highlight where dissatisfaction lies with your family situation. DH’s family all live abroad —thank fuck—, my sister in law never spells DS2 name right. Other than them, we have my Mum and my DB also lives really far away. He is a crap uncle, example of recent crapness: I sent him a photo of an Easter website DS2 has to design for school. DB works in tech. He replied “why do they make them do this pointless stuff?” not a single positive word for his nephew.
Families can be large and very small and not function how we would like, or how we see other families functioning. It can sting. Then we realise as long as our children are loved by us, it doesn’t matter really.

@Marvellousmadness

Yabuuuuu You buy eggs for your own kids and thats that.

I cant even imagine the chaos if other people would have sent us chocolate eggs today. We were already drowning in chocolate.

And lets be honest
Didn't we all ate way too much chocolate today? We dont need to be sending chocolate chocolate to other people

And yes. You do sound grabby. Not a nice characteristic trait

Thank you for your kindness.

My children when little didn’t have a relationship with aunts and uncles etc, they did with my mum n dad! But we as their parents made sure they were happy loved well fed and watered! We bought their Easter eggs it’s not always about buying things! Easter buying seems to be getting crazy

I must be a terrible sibling then as I’ve never bought my nieces and nephews an Easter egg. I might pick up some mini eggs if I was actually going to see them over Easter, but that rarely happens. I’ve never been made to feel bad about it, but perhaps they’re secretly seething… ;)

From memory it was the same when I was little… an egg from my parents, and I think grandparents sent money to my parents so they could give us an egg on their behalf. Otherwise, unless we were seeing people that was it. I suspect that the whole chocolate egg thing was seen as a little common though by my grandparents - a nice Easter card and some home made hot cross buns after church were far more appropriate. But we didn’t go to church

I get totally get this single parent with no family or friends. I don’t care about Easter but it w symptom of a bigger picture

Sorry to sound like an asshat here but they're your kids. No one is obliged to buy them anything and whilst they may be centre of your universe, rightly so, they are not at the forefront of everyone else's life and neither should they be.

A bit weird of you to expect it tbh

@TonksInPurple

I get totally get this single parent with no family or friends. I don’t care about Easter but it w symptom of a bigger picture

I'm sorry, special occasions sting don't they?

I feel bad for even complaining as I know there's always somebody in a worse position, I'm fortunate in that I have OH atleast.

I hope you and your children have had a nice Easter regardless

@Marvellousmadness

Yabuuuuu You buy eggs for your own kids and thats that.

I cant even imagine the chaos if other people would have sent us chocolate eggs today. We were already drowning in chocolate.

And lets be honest
Didn't we all ate way too much chocolate today? We dont need to be sending chocolate chocolate to other people

And yes. You do sound grabby. Not a nice characteristic trait

Does kicking someone when they’re down - and when it’s quite clearly fuck all to do with the actual chocolate and all about the love, closeness and support it represents - make you feel like a better person?

My girls didn't get any from family but they are 16 and 22 now. I somehow just expect grandparents and the like to do it 😁 I bought them one each though and a little rabbit for the youngest as she was going to an Easter gathering with a small child there. It's a nice tradition that I hope they will carry on with their children.

@IdiotIntrusion

Sorry to sound like an asshat here but they're your kids. No one is obliged to buy them anything and whilst they may be centre of your universe, rightly so, they are not at the forefront of everyone else's life and neither should they be.

A bit weird of you to expect it tbh

It's not about the chocolate. I'll feel the same way next week on DD's birthday when nobody reaches out to wish her a HBD or bothers to send a card.

It's not the fact that nobody is sending chocolate, it's the fact nobody appears to care about them beyond me and OH. That is what hurts.

Almost everybody else got that.

@WindsChange

Your children will be just as happy to have fun at home with you. Children don’t really have expectations of lots of eggs from family members unless you put that idea to them. Make it special yourself - it doesn’t even need to cost money just play some games and do some crafts and enjoy the spring sun.

When I was in primary school I used to get two or three eggs - from my parents and paternal grandparents.

Other children in my class often had 8 or more as the whole extended family bought eggs for them. I always felt I was missing out! But lots of them had a lot of family living close by - old mining community, aunts, uncles, grandparents living within a few streets of each other a lot of the time.

I totally get where you’re coming from.

My child only sees her father three days per year (his choice, not hers or mine) and Im the only one to buy her any Easter chocolate usually.

TBH I kind of see this as a good thing as i can see how much sugar might be going in!

This year, my parents also happened to buy her an egg but as i say, usually its just me as we don’t tend to go crazy over Easter treats.
Sometimes I feel sad that there aren’t others to fuss over my DD but generally just see it for what it is, IYSWIM. Tend to feel it more on Christmas/her birthday.

My parents are millionaire and we are NC with them. They don’t send even a card, text or Amazon voucher. I don’t care. I don’t want gifts from shitty people. I buy my children them - you have a family - you and your children - in addition you can adopt - a neighbour on their own - etc make your own family and network

If you’re interested and in some reading, I’d have a look at:

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/robert-ackerman/perfect-daughters/9781558749528

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127/ref=asc_df_1558741127/?hvlocphy=9045632&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310973726618&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-433835316867&hvrand=2505450287542146984

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/susan-jeffers/feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway/9780091907075

My point is... You are their parents and as long as you love and care for them then that is all that should matter to you.

I say this with good intentions, I just don't know how to write it without it sounding shitty; You will love your own children to the end of the earth and back but (this is the shitty bit), other people will not feel the same about your kids and probably have no feelings towards them at all. I have little to no feelings towards my niece/nephew.

Nobody should really care about them beyond you and your husband... As long as they are treated with respect when they do interact with them then that's all that should matter?

I have little to no feelings towards my niece/nephew.

Nobody should really care about them beyond you and your husband...

That truly says more about you than OP, @IdiotIntrusion.

Not everyone has good relations with extended family, but it is very beneficial for children to have other interested adults in their lives.

Make it what you always needed it to be for them op.spoil them with making Easter nests.buy loads of eggs.let them eat choc for all meals( it's one or two days back off diet culture tits).heal that way too. Don't let them feel they need anything else even if u no rightly they should.its up to you now to show them better.
Also people roll their eyes but try some basic mindful and meditation techniques.it really does teach you how to let that stuff be and move on anyway.and easy via searches to get some guides

@SparklingLime

I have little to no feelings towards my niece/nephew.

Nobody should really care about them beyond you and your husband...

That truly says more about you than OP, @IdiotIntrusion.

Not everyone has good relations with extended family, but it is very beneficial for children to have other interested adults in their lives.

I'm actually NC with my whole family as they're extremely toxic. I've tried having a relationship with them but it was extremely one sided and I was only ever included when gifts were involved so I nipped that in the bud.

I would rather my children were loved by myself and DH than rely on validation from other people to remind them how 'special' they are.

My niece and nephew are horrible children (harsh but true) due to their upbringing by a toxic mother. Why would I want to involve myself in that?

[quote SparklingLime]If you’re interested and in some reading, I’d have a look at:

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/robert-ackerman/perfect-daughters/9781558749528

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www.wob.com/en-gb/books/susan-jeffers/feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway/9780091907075[/quote]
Thank you, I'll definitely take a look at those books.

I've been wanting some self help material to get stuck into as on a logical level I know the validation needs to come from within.