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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 16/04/2022 20:59

@pompei8309

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it. You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story . Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid . Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents
I’m not full of it at all. If my kids end up stacking shelves at Asda and they’re settled people who are content in life I’ll be happy. I guess maybe because of how my life has been, I understand that being content in how your life is is the most important thing in the world.

I mean I’m back at uni now as a mature student, so I’m not saying stacking shelves is the perfect job. But if my child is happy where they are then I’ll be happy. If they’re unhappy I’ll of course be worried but not disappointed. They’ve not let me down, they’re simply not doing well, so disappointment isn’t the reaction I would have.

Kanaloa · 16/04/2022 21:01

Also I don’t see working in Asda as something to be disappointed in! It’s a decent and respectable job where you work hard. I don’t understand the mindset of presuming someone who works in Asda would be disappointing to their parents.

If they had committed a crime or done something morally wrong then perhaps, but working an essential job, a job where people were called ‘key workers’ during a pandemic? No, I wouldn’t be disappointed at all.

Liveliferun · 16/04/2022 21:03

There is loads I’m disappointed about when it comes to my kids, but I am aware that it is as much my projection of what I wish I had done or the opportunities I wish I’d had, as much as it is to do with them. For example I am disappointed that one of my children has no interest or passion whatsoever for music, despite having lessons in their choice of instrument from the age of 4, and having all sorts of opportunities and offers (e.g. offers of places in orchestras etc) along the way which they have declined. I never had a single music lesson and it is a great regret, so I accept that this is as much about me as it is about them. I’m still disappointed though! They know well where I’m coming from and we often talk about it and they know that it’s what I want for the younger me, as much as what I want for them. And they quite rightly tell me I should go and book myself adult beginner lessons :) When they are older maybe they will “get it”, maybe not. I’m disappointed about other stuff too but I had to learn that having a child isn’t actually having a clone of yourself and they will likely not appreciate or enjoy the same things as you do. Still disappointing though! You can be disappointed and still love your children to bits, in a way you love them even harder because you love them in spite of all the disappointments along the way. Easy to love the mythical “perfect” child. Harder to love the real child that you actually have.

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Glittersparkle76 · 16/04/2022 21:15

Thankyou for all your lovely replies,I miss my son like you wouldn't believe,he was diagnosed at age 18 and fought so hard to beat the cancer but it spread and we lost him in November,8 days after his 22nd Birthday.He didn't get chance to have a life but he had all his plans for a baby with his girlfriend,a house,job etc.Ive never ever felt disappointed in anything he's done and I genuinely don't think I could ever have been if he had longer on this earth with us.He had his faults yes,he wasn't perfect but the pain having lost him is unbearable and I couldn't be more proud of him and how hard he fought to stay with us xxx

doggiescats · 16/04/2022 21:17

I have never felt even remotely disappointed by my three.
Cannot imagine why I would. As long as my children are decent human beings ,who care about others and are kind to less fortunate people and show empathy, I will always be proud of them .

Nothappyatwork · 16/04/2022 21:19

Im devastated by their choices but its not their fault, the other parent is trying to redeem their disgusting behaviour by rewriting a narrative which has destroyed by kids. I wouldn’t have had children if I’d known this would be the outcome

Blimecory · 16/04/2022 21:20

@Nnique

No I’ve never been disappointed in them. They’re lovely people - good people but respect themselves and know how to set boundaries, don’t mix with the wrong sort, work hard and do their best to live well. All I wanted for them was to be as secure as possible in terms of work and housing, content in themselves, safe and to form loving, healthy relationships.
That’s a lot of wants, though.
Clarefromwork · 16/04/2022 21:21

I think sometimes parents are disappointed with how their children turn out but it’s due to the parents as to why they have turned out like that.

emuloc · 16/04/2022 21:23

@Clarefromwork

I think sometimes parents are disappointed with how their children turn out but it’s due to the parents as to why they have turned out like that.
Not always.
Salome61 · 16/04/2022 21:24

I was disappointed my son messed up his education, and was just stacking shelves in a shop, I'd hoped for more for him.

Then my friend's son was killed, and I realised how lucky I was to have such a lovely son, and it didn't matter how he spent his life, so long as he was happy.

Notsureaboutusername · 16/04/2022 21:27

@Blossomtoes you have no idea how much support the child had previous to going to prison

Nnique · 16/04/2022 21:38

@Blimecory see my previous comment qualifying that.

ldontWanna · 16/04/2022 21:42

There's a significant difference between being disappointed for your kids and being disappointed in your kids.

JaffavsCookie · 16/04/2022 21:42

I always thought i would be disappointed if my dc went to be bankers, i have only articulated that to them now it is clear none of them are quite so crass.

LunaTheCat · 16/04/2022 21:45

@Kurtanforpm

No.

My son is almost 20 and has taken a route that suits him to get into a very good position and earring a good wage in a career for like already. He’ll be retired by 60 if he sticks to it (as he wants to). I am proud of him.

His father (my ex h) isn’t proud. He didn’t go to uni like his fathers children so his dad has nothing to brag about. They are all oxbridge. Ex h is mortified ds isn’t. But that’s more about being a stick to beat me with and tarring me as a terrible mother.

My dad wasn’t proud of me. To be fair, he was right, I’ve done jack shit with my life, mainly braise I never had any guidance or support.

At my 2nd wedding (another huge disappointment that I couldn’t even stay married), I asked my dad to do a speech. He said, “but what would I say? Fathers speak about how their daughters have made them happy or proud, you haven’t ever some either”.

I’m now his sole companion/visitor/champion/advocate now that he’s in a home with dementia. To the detriment of my own life. sometimes I think why do I bother.

I have 3 children now, 2 younger. I will always be proud of them.

Oh I am so so sorry your Dad was like this. I have a friend who was really controlling of her daughter - said daughter now multiple issues with chronic pain, gender dysphoria. Her Mum is still expressing disappointment in her - I feel very sorry for the daughter.
Livelovebehappy · 16/04/2022 21:47

My 22 year old DS is so laid back to the point of skipping from one job to another, currently not working at all due to still not knowing what he wants to do with his life. I'm disappointed. He's bright but lazy. But he has a lovely temperament, kind, polite and thoughtful, which I'm very proud of him for. It's been a constant battle for most of his life to instil any ambition and enthusiasm in him, for anything. So yep, I guess I'm mostly disappointed in his life's choices, but in my positive moments think I'm also lucky that he isn't a horrible person.

Blossomtoes · 16/04/2022 21:47

[quote Notsureaboutusername]@Blossomtoes you have no idea how much support the child had previous to going to prison[/quote]
No I don’t. We’ve all been told he got none while he was in there which might be an indicator. I think it’s pretty shitty. Other opinions are available.

Iamthewalnut · 16/04/2022 21:55

My mum. She told me so frequently throughout her entire adult life until the point her dementia got so bad she forgot she was disappointed in me.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/04/2022 22:06

No, they're both doing well and are happy. They're choices are their own to make even if you'd choose something different, it's not your choice to make

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2022 22:09

I happen to know that my parents are disappointed in me, its very pass agg but they really are!

I think that all of my adult kids are doing great, although I wasnt overly thrilled with my eldest DS's former fiancee. As it was, I was right when I (privately) thought she was a fucking bitch who would screw him over, as she did! Luckily I had a chat about not putting all his eggs in one basket financially, just in case, which it turned out he did listen to!

nitsandwormsdodger · 16/04/2022 22:09

I’m disappointed my DD has special needs and will face a lot more hardships and struggles than her peers
I’m disappointed she has bad teeth and needs lots of time in braces
I’d be heart broken if my kids ever end up in abusive or coercive or shitty relationships
I’d be v sad if they ever committed a crime or hurt anyone

SpottyPantsNextDoor · 16/04/2022 22:11

I am disappointed with my parents.

Manekinek0 · 16/04/2022 22:18

No. They are flawed, as am I. They will make many mistakes but that's okay. I hope I have instilled the values I thought were the most important into them, but even that sounds like I am trying to take credit for their "good" behaviour. They are their own individual people and not some extension of me.

With regards to a career I couldn't care less but I hope they end up content and with enough money so life isn't a continuous struggle. They know they can always come home, I would never see them out on the streets like my parents did me.

Ultimately I know how it feels to have parents who are always disappointed. Their love and acceptance always came with conditions and I never felt like I could meet them. Don't do this to your children, it ruins their self confidence and self worth.

Imherenowandthen · 16/04/2022 22:21

I’m not disappointed, but I wish they were happier. I’ve always let them make their own decisions once they were old enough, and I don’t care if they go to uni or not, I literally just wanted them to be happy, but actually they’re not that happy Sad

Holidays27 · 16/04/2022 22:25

Concern or worry maybe sometimes but I don’t think disappointed is a word we should use for our children.

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