Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

[Twobigsapphires]

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

@Glittersparkle76

Dont be disappointed in your adult children,I recently lost my 22year old son to Bowel Cancer and I would give anything to have him back.Cherish them,no matter what choices they make and how they decide they want to live their lives,as long as they're happy,healthy and not hurting others with their life choices just be proud of them and thankful they are here.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely right in what you say. We should cherish our children as long as they aren't causing hurt or pain to other people.

@Hyenaormeercat

Those saying they wouldn't be disappointed ..what if they do turn out to be cheats, liars, get into trouble with police and so on..even if they had privilege and opportunity.

Our prisons are full..they are all someone sons and daughters. They were once children with parents who ( mostly) wanted their children to be happy and settled.
The relationship board on here shows a lot of people are not happy, well adjusted individuals.

Many will not have had poor parenting examples.

It would be perfectly natural to be disappointed in your child, not all will escape from poor MH, difficulties around neuro diversity or in some cases being arseholes.

I used to work in prisons....

I can safely say that probably 50% had really shit upbringings, drug addicts for parents, left to fend for themselves, homeless as soon as they were 18 because they were thrown out of care. So they're parents probably aren't disappointed in them because they don't care about them.

Some were literally there because it was better than their life on the outside.

And others have made a genuine mistake, i remember one guy who was the quietest, politest person I've ever met and he had turned around to pass his child a drink whilst he was driving and he knocked someone down and killed them.

I remember a lady who had killed her husband after she had found them raping her child.

Don't get me wrong, some prisoners are nasty, dangerous people. But prison doesn't always mean you're a bad person, maybe don't be so judgmental. This is why people struggle to reform, because they can't get a job because of people with mindsets like you when actually prisoners are the hardest working people I've met, they work their arse off in awful jobs for £1 pay a day.

You actually won't realise the contribution prisoners have, for example, Sandbags that are used for flooding in England are made in a young offenders institution that I worked in.

I'd be disappointed in my child if they were as judgmental as you are.

Anyway, that's my rant over.

@saggyhairyass

I would only be disappointed in my DC if they broke the law.

Says all you need to need to know about me and/or this site that I initially skim read the words “broke the” as “didn’t study”.

@PenguinIce

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead. I didn’t want their life to be as tough as mine has been. I wonder if I made a mistake hiding from them how tough life was when they were younger as maybe if they realised how hard it was they might have made different choices.

I think you would feel better if you consider this from another angle.

Your DC is going to be earning money which hopefully will allow them to save for such things as a mortgage/car/ rainy day.

If they'd gone to University, they'd be hard up for the length of their course; possibly unable to find a job because there were none available in their field and everywhere else told them they were over-qualified (common in my day, don't know about now) and they would FOR CERTAIN be saddled with the stress of paying back their student loan for many years.

Students and graduates in England and Wales will pay up to 12% interest on student loans between September this year and March 2023, according to the Institute for Fiscal Studies.

My only hopes for my children is that they dont become criminals, addicts or so addled by their minds that they kill themselves. Anything else I would be ok with, given my long family history of mental illness.

Some might think Im setting the bar low, but at the end of the day they are their own people and what they do with their lives is not up to me to dictate.

@pompei8309

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it. You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story . Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid . Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents

You do know that uni isn't the be-all and end-all, right? I'm halfway through my second degree and the first one back when I was 18 was an absolute waste of time, money and paper. People don't know who they truly are and what they want at 18 and so stacking shelves in Asda might buy them time to figure that out, whilst earning and saving some money for the future.

They've never said anything, but I'm sure my parents are disappointed in me, and I daren't ask. There were such high hopes for me. I did incredibly well at school, and I was all set to do amazing things. Until I had a mental breakdown in my A-level year, chose my degree for all the wrong reasons, had another breakdown in my second year, barely scraped a 3rd, then worked menial/basic jobs ever since.

@PenguinIce

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead. I didn’t want their life to be as tough as mine has been. I wonder if I made a mistake hiding from them how tough life was when they were younger as maybe if they realised how hard it was they might have made different choices.

I think that you are worried rather than disappointed but your DC can still go to uni later on in life. Other options are advanced apprenticeships that can take you up to degree level qualifications, (the "earn and learn" route) or a distance learning degree. That said, my DS is finding it increasingly difficult to get work when companies filter applications on degrees.

I could imagine being disappointed for them if they didn’t achieve what they wanted in life but not disappointed in them for making different choices to the ones I would have made

Healthy and happy will do me.

I find it odd the idea of a child being a 'disappointment'.

As if just by existing, they have some kind of expectation to live up to.

Should they be grateful? Why? They had no say in the matter.

If anything, parents should be striving to impress their children and justify bringing them into the world. Can you provide for them? Nurture them? Love them? Give them a stable and secure home?

Do parents ever wonder whether they have been a disappointment to their children, whom they brought into the world without being asked to?

Placing expectations on children before they are even born just seems like such an unhealthy approach to parenting.

I'm disappointed in my nieces and nephew. I'm cross my siblings didn't sacrifice enough time and brought their baggage to parenting.
One niece is manipulative.
The younger sibling is hardened and lies
My nephew is attention seeking all the time
The final niece is the nicest but also sly and ducks responsibility.
I'm disappointed I don't like spending time with them and I prefer the nicer children of friends.

No. I just want them to be content. I haven't any expectations just hope they'll be decent people.

OP, I think being disappointed in your children is a bit of a taboo subject, and as this thread proves, it's not something many will admit to.

In reality, I think many parents have high hopes for their children and aspirations for them beyond what they themselves achieve. If they do not fulfil these then I think many will feel disappointed. They are unlikely to admit this though. It doesn't mean you love your children less to admit they haven't lived up to your expectations.

Personally. I really struggle with this. I expect my dd to work hard, to reach her potential and hold the high values that I taught her as a young child. It's so difficult to see your perfect child go against this and do things hatch you know will limit their outcomes. How does any parent watch their child throw away their opportunities in favour of something lesser than they were capable of and not feel a sense of loss or disappointment.?

I have at times been a bit disappointed, but on the whole pleased they did things their ways, they are not little puppets I can direct to do what I want. I suspect my dad was a little disappointed in my choices but he wasn't particularly supportive to me when I was growing up. We are all only human and can't please everyone.

I am a disappointment to my father.

People at work etc find this absolutely astounding (it's not something I harp on or anything, it just came up in conversation recently). By most metrics I am a fairly successful person -- c-suite role, various fancy awards, my work is taught in universities etc... I'm a lucky person who does well in life.

He can't even see me through his bitterness and regret about my teenage mental illnesses and leaving school without GCSEs/not going to uni. It was 20 years ago but he will never let it go. I let it all go years ago!

It's his loss. His feelings of regret and disappointment are how he chooses to create me in his own mind. I don't actually live there. I'm off having my own extremely satisfactory real life.

You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed??

One of my daughters is very good at maths. Her physics teacher last year told her (and me) that her answers in a physics exam were the best she’d seen for years. She is planning a career in maths/physics.

I will be disappointed if she stacks shelves in a supermarket. I will still love her though.

I think it’s normal to have high hopes for your DC, most parents do. Being disappointed isn’t the same as giving up on them though.

Our dad has made it very clear that he is disappointed in us all and we have all let him down, one for dropping out of university, one for a marriage choice and one for 'getting into debt" (completely manageable business loan). He's been voicing his disappointment for 30 years which has overshadowed his relationship with us and he's missed out on much of our lives, careers, and the lives of his grandchildren as a result.

The truth is he let us down terribly, when we were growing up and he knows it. He originally just lied to people about it, falsely depicting himself as some kind of knight in shining armour to protect his own image, As we all hit adulthood that changed to projection, us apparently now letting him down on a grand scale, one by one. We've learnt not to care too much about his words or opinions and have all just got on with productive lives which he sadly knows very little about.

No, I have two teenagers an early one and a late one.
I can't imagine being disappointed in them for their life choices.
They're their own person.
I'm just happy if they turn out nice, kind and happy!

I'm very worried about an adult DC trapped in a toxic, controlling relationship that they want to get out of but cannot due to FOG plus threats of suicide, self harm and blackmail.
They know we are always there for them and we know we can't intervene. We so want to help but cannot, there doesn't seem to be anything we can do.
In that case just an I love you and be there for them. What else can you do?.

I am proud of all of my 3 adult children. They are all kind, compassionate and work hard. I can't imagine being disappointed in them.

@MissyCooperismyShero

God, so many things to be disappointed about! Drink driving, addictions of any kind, rudeness to teachers, inability to hold down a job, watching pornography, shoplifting, smoking, etc etc etc. Not saying my DC have done this stuff, but don't believe those of you who claim you would only be disappointed by career criminals!

Rudeness to teachers?! 😆😆😆

I had 3 miscarriages, was told by a fertility specialist I'd never have kids, then had 2 children in my 40s.

I was aware that there was a risk of Downs etc because of my age.

I tell them quite a lot how lucky I am just to have them - and I am.

Mind you, they haven't "turned out" yet!

@Dyra your post just caught my eye - I would really hope that’s not true! Unless your parents are arseholes (and they obviously could be) I can’t imagine many people judging their kids for something like that. My DH had a similar trajectory and I am so incredibly proud of him for how he’s overcome his MH challenges to hold down his job and also what a fantastic dad he is to our kids. There are far more metrics to a successful life that academic classifications

drink driving, addictions of any kind, rudeness to teachers, inability to hold down a job, watching pornography, shoplifting, smoking, etc

There’s a difference between being disappointed in a particular choice or occasion and disappointment in how they’d turned out overall!

So yes, I might trot out the line ‘I’m very disappointed in you, you know better’ if rude at school but I’d hardly be seeing it as a sign of someone doomed for the rest of their life!

Please try not to experience disappointment in your children. As a parent I get it - we all want only the very best for them so if their lives are perceived by us as less in some way than what we had hoped disappointment springs forth. Last year we lost our eldest child who I would give absolutely anything to have back again. Just for them to be alive and happy - to hell with my own disappointments. Cherish every second. Love is what counts.