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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
Fudgemonkeys · 17/04/2022 20:17

My parents were/are disappointed in me 😪 I would never let my know if I were, which I'm not. I'm Actually proud of how they've achieved their goals.

Dnaltocs · 17/04/2022 20:19

If my adult children were happy I’d be happy. Soon maybe!

Morgysmum · 17/04/2022 20:20

I think we have to understand, that they are there own person.
They might not choose your ideal job for them, but yoy have to love their choice and stand by them.
My mum, started nurse training, she wanted to be a vet, but it wasn't a role for women, so she opted for nursing.
Then met my dad, who was a farmer. My mum was a farmers daughter and was missing living in a rural area. She was miserable at the nursing home, as it was in a built. Up cit. After a while of dating, she told her mum, that she was leaving nursing, to work on the farm with my dad and marry him.
My gran, was very disappointed by this decision and pushed my mum down the staircase! Luckily my mum was OK, but she hasn't had a good relationship, with her mum since this incident.
Being a nurse was what my gran wanted my mum to be, but my mum wanted to be a farmer.
You might be disappointed in there choice, but support them, don't push them down the stairs (metaphorically)

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Families
TitaniasAss · 17/04/2022 20:22

I'm a bit disappointed that DS isn't working for his A levels, but I can't make him. I'm sure he'll find his way, but I'd love for him to perhaps have more opportunities than I did. I had to retrain later in life because I pissed about at his age so I don't suppose I have any room to talk. I just want his life to be a little easier.

Nomorefuckstogive · 17/04/2022 20:23

My parents made it very obvious that they were disappointed in some of my life choices. I took a very long time to get over it. I hope you’re able to show just love, support and compassion and that I can do the same for my DD. Parenting is hard.

Scooby5kids · 17/04/2022 20:29

I think the key with parenting is that you have to let go of any expectations of what you want your child to be and learn to love and accept them for who and what they are, even if that means they might fall short of certain societies standards. Each child is their very own person and they have no obligation to do anything that you expect or want for them as an adult. Their life is a blank canvas waiting for them to make their own mistakes and choices, to learn from them and mould them into the person they are eventually meant to be. You're job as parent isn't to try and dictate which way they should go, but to just nurture them to a point where they can make it on their own, then you become their rock and their person they can go for reliable advice- but again, advice doesn't have to be taken! Try to look at it that you don't need to be disappointed in them because that's not your job. You just need to be there for them and to be their support in whatever they need you for.

Morgysmum · 17/04/2022 20:30

Penguinice,
Your child might decide to go to uni further down the line, if they get a job, where yoy can work up a career ladder this is always a possibility. I didn't go to uni, but a friend of mine did, but when she left, she ended up work in a job, that was similar to mine, but I didn't have the degree. So she wasn't any better off going to uni.

StScholastica · 17/04/2022 20:32

I'm insanely proud of my 3, they are true to themselves and are living life their way.
Minor disappointment in the youngest who holds his cutlery all wrong Easter Grin and despite being brought up by eco warriors he can't even identify any trees, wild flowers or common British birds.
He knows he has let us down Grin

Scooby5kids · 17/04/2022 20:33

Sorry for typos won’t let me edit

whatwasIgoingtosay · 17/04/2022 20:38

My friend's mother told me before she died that she was disappointed that her son would never give her grandchildren (he's gay). She never told him that, and I didn't either, but I very much understood, because she had been in Auschwitz, where the Nazis had tried to exterminate the Jews so that they could no longer breed. Therefore it was very important to survivors like her to feel that they would carry on their line. But that's an extreme case.

SavBbunny · 17/04/2022 20:46

@SquarrilFall

Just wanted say i understand. I have a FTM dc and they refused to engage at school.
I know they are kind, decent and intelligent but I am disappointed that they refused to use the considerable intellectual gifts whilst in school. A scholarship was thrown away and I didn't understand the all consuming mental health issues a transgender journey can bring. Personally I think a lot has happened in the five years i have been supporting my dc. My biggest disappointment? The bigoted teachers (private and state ) who couldn't hide their disgust.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 17/04/2022 20:52

It bothers me slightly that DD is quite into some kinds of woo, but she's happy and doing well on her chosen path and I really can't complain.

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 20:55

My mother was disappointed in me.
My father was proud of me.

I'm sad sometimes about a few of the choices my DC have made. I am proud of them. They're good decent kids. I love them both dearly and would do anything for them.

They occasionally hurt my feelings when they storm off or blank me for not giving them money. I'd like to think I mean more than bank of mum.

Lovely13 · 17/04/2022 20:56

I’m amazed mine have turned out as well as they have, given some turbulent times. They have jobs, nice partners, good friends.
One was fairly bat-sh@Twobigsapphires

Bookloverjay · 17/04/2022 20:58

@PenguinIce

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead. I didn’t want their life to be as tough as mine has been. I wonder if I made a mistake hiding from them how tough life was when they were younger as maybe if they realised how hard it was they might have made different choices.
Their life might not be tough. Their choice might be the best thing ever and they won't have a huge amount of debt hanging around their neck
Fandangofran · 17/04/2022 21:04

Pebble55:

"Classic example.

My DP is a wonderful Mum to our young daughter, has a well paying engineering job, is university educated, is active and fit, is great around the home and speaks and writes in two languages at native-speaker level, and the entire family on my side loves her.
My MIL is always saying how disappointed she is in her. Some parents (usually those of the baby boom generation it seems) are perpetually dissatisfied with their offspring . As a new parent one can only swear not to be the same way with your DC."

@Pebble55 yes it seems some kids will never be good enough for our parents no matter what we achieve.

It's lovely that your side of the family see your DP's worth though even if your MIL can't.

Similarly my DH's family are my biggest supporters - they often give me much more credit than I deserve and fill the role I always hoped my mum would. - Even if its not the life she planned for me it's sad that she can't just be happy with what I've achieved - because I am

Pandagirl71 · 17/04/2022 21:08

Disappointed that my teenage DD has had a baby but she is happy and has lots of plans for her future so I'm hoping all will be OK. DGS is gorgeous and I love ❤ him loads!

Vimto1991 · 17/04/2022 21:16

If you’re disappointed that means you had a pre conception of how you wanted your child’s life to be, but it’s their life to decide what to do with it, not yours, so if they stray from that path but they are happy, that should be enough, you shouldn’t be disappointed in that.

DearlyBeloathed · 17/04/2022 21:18

@Vimto1991

If you’re disappointed that means you had a pre conception of how you wanted your child’s life to be, but it’s their life to decide what to do with it, not yours, so if they stray from that path but they are happy, that should be enough, you shouldn’t be disappointed in that.
Even if they become a criminal? Lol.
melcalfe · 17/04/2022 21:38

@LoudParrot

My DS is taking GCSEs next month and I am a bit disappointed with how little revision he's doing, despite lots of gentle encouragement from me and DH. We can't force him to study but I kind of thought he'd be choosing to put a bit more effort in. It's his life though 🤷‍♀️
My mum did force me. She'd put me in a room with just textbooks, take phone form me, and close the door. All I had was a table and books, for hours on end. I was so bored. But got really high grades eventually. It was one of the best things shes done for me.
niagarafalls · 17/04/2022 21:40

With the uni thing I really wouldn't worry too much, as a recent graduate I sometimes wish I'd just gone straight into work as I feel really behind and going to take ages to catch up to where I could be moneywise. Most jobs want experience. It really depends what area, but unless you're doing degree leading directly to higher paying job or you need a degree for the job you want to do I don't think it's even worth it. You can always go in your later 20s if you need to. Work on discussing and finding what career your child might want to do (not what you want them to do)way before 16 so they have best chance of setting off on right foot, even then it's so hard to know at such young age. Apprenticeships can be much better option. Also don't underestimate how incredibly stressful and demanding uni can be, not everyone is suited to it and even moreso if you know there's a lot of pressure on and disappointment if you don't complete it

Dazedandconfused10 · 17/04/2022 21:44

I've dissapointed my mum many times in my life, I've dissapointed myself too, but she's finally come around to the idea that I march to the beat of my own drum, I'll own my mistakes and ultimately I'm happy.

Boxowine · 17/04/2022 21:57

My older DS, seems to have turned into a pothead with smelly feet because he won't buy more than one pair of work shoes. I'm trying to cut him some slack because he completed his studies during covid and worked the whole time so I have to give him credit for being productive but I just don't know what to make of him. He's just hanging out and not socializing at all. IDK if disappointed is the right word. I feel bad for young people nowadays.

Thatsplentyjack · 17/04/2022 21:59

You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed??

I absolutely wouldn't, and any parent who would be is a shit parent and they should be disappointed in their own attitude not their child's choices. Says a lot really.

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 17/04/2022 21:59

Sending hugs to all the mums who have suffered loss and who are or have been going through hell.

Apologies, my op should’ve said my ds is 19 not 29. I am not disappointed in him, just worried maybe that I may end up being if you see what I mean? Or one of my other dc for that matter. It started as a thought provoking chat with my sister who made a comment about how disappointed she would be if one of her boys ended up moving to a different country. It led me to think that even if one isn’t disappointed in their child so to speak, one can end up being disappointed with parenting in general. And that idealisms that come with it maybe?

OP posts:
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