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Original poster

Should I have fed this child?

498 replies

yogahippo · 01/04/2022 19:58

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 01/04/2022 23:45

@Isgooglebroken

The mum probably eats early, was making polite chit chat and now mortified as she has presumed you would feed her child.

I imagine the mum is now pretty miffed she has to go home and cook something for her DD when the rest of the family have eaten tbh.

@Isgooglebroken I wouldn’t be cooking. She could have a sandwich or beans or toast or something. Easy solved. Children don’t need a ‘cooked’ dinner or every night
stayathomer · 01/04/2022 23:48

Yes would normally give food around the 5 o clock point if someone's over and if they'd gone to someone else's house would assume they'd eaten. We only have dinner after 6.30 because we both work and personally think it's too late to eat considering 2 of the kids go to bed at 8

Motherland101 · 01/04/2022 23:51

@Hugasauras

Playdates are obv a minefield! Am I the only one who genuinely wouldn't give a shit either way? If she'd been fed, great. It not, she can have something at home. What's the big deal? Dreading DD getting to the age where friends come round solo as apparently I have zero clue Grin
I'm with you - 100%

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Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/04/2022 23:56

Yes you should have as it is the norm here if a pick up time is after 5 30. All fine for next time if you just say whether dinner is on the cards or not.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/04/2022 23:56

However, if you’d led with the sex story I’d have forgiven you and taken my kid to McDs chuckling all the way home 😂

LBFseBrom · 02/04/2022 00:02

@Marty13

Haven't rtft but I think this is a british thing. My kids usually eat at 19h30 too and I wouldn't have thought to offer food as it's usually not a good idea to feed a child before dinner. And I wouldn't have thought to ask the other mum as it wouldn't have crossed my mind that people would feed a child at 5 or 6pm. Seems extremely early to me. But I guess it's a cultural issue.

By all means explain to the mum you weren't being rude or skint, but don't take any shit from her either. She could just as well have clarified that it's after dinner for them. Plus the kid's 11, not 1, presumably if she was starving she was able to communicate her needs and/or mention her family eat very early.

I'm British and we always had dinner 7-7.30pm, all together. Obviously kids come home from school hungry and want a snack and that is what the op gave them which would suffice until dinner time.

I suppose people shouldn't assume everyone eats at the same time but the visiting child's mother shouldn't have assumed either. She had nothing to complain about.

If we had eaten earlier than we did, we'd have wanted something else later! Having said that, I am now going to the kitchen to make some toast before settling down for the night :-).

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2022 00:02

@ZenKaleidoscope

I definitely would have assumed she'd have dinner at about 6pm. 7:30/8pm would bedtime.
@ZenKaleidoscope Not for an 11 year old child though?!
littleangel50 · 02/04/2022 00:05

I agree the woman wasn't very nice, but I'm at a bit of a loss with the most parents feed their children by 6pm.
Meaning I fly out of work as close to 5pm as I can..Knowing that the Women with no kids or older kids are happy to sit about at work gossiping. I don't drive so rushing for the one bus an hour, collect the kids from Nursery and walk home. Organise what we are having for dinner while hearing about their day at School or Nursery..providing a home made meal, unless you are a stay at home parent it isn't happening. Our family meal is where we all sit and eat our meal together as a family.
And our simple rule is please don't feed my child it was kind of you to offer but it's our routine to eat together.
Exceptions are Birthday Parties

VyeBrator · 02/04/2022 00:09

@Marty13

Haven't rtft but I think this is a british thing. My kids usually eat at 19h30 too and I wouldn't have thought to offer food as it's usually not a good idea to feed a child before dinner. And I wouldn't have thought to ask the other mum as it wouldn't have crossed my mind that people would feed a child at 5 or 6pm. Seems extremely early to me. But I guess it's a cultural issue.

By all means explain to the mum you weren't being rude or skint, but don't take any shit from her either. She could just as well have clarified that it's after dinner for them. Plus the kid's 11, not 1, presumably if she was starving she was able to communicate her needs and/or mention her family eat very early.

I don't think it's particularly British or cultural - more that families have different lives. Some don't get home from work/after school club until gone 6pm, so having dinner before that would be impossible. Some have after school activities and dinner needs to be arranged around that and some would prefer their kids ate earlier rather than start snacking when they get home.
Doggirl · 02/04/2022 00:11

Hmm, this is something DH and I will have to think about. We're British natives (been here since 1066 and all that), but rarely eat before 8pm. DD is 6, and all her classmates get a main meal at lunchtime. She has snacks after school, and either joins us for dinner (that she rarely eats much of) or gets some egg or pasta a bit earlier. The times she's had friends round before, early afternoon, we've just offered bread and cheese.

VyeBrator · 02/04/2022 00:12

@littleangel50

I agree the woman wasn't very nice, but I'm at a bit of a loss with the most parents feed their children by 6pm. Meaning I fly out of work as close to 5pm as I can..Knowing that the Women with no kids or older kids are happy to sit about at work gossiping. I don't drive so rushing for the one bus an hour, collect the kids from Nursery and walk home. Organise what we are having for dinner while hearing about their day at School or Nursery..providing a home made meal, unless you are a stay at home parent it isn't happening. Our family meal is where we all sit and eat our meal together as a family. And our simple rule is please don't feed my child it was kind of you to offer but it's our routine to eat together. Exceptions are Birthday Parties
And our simple rule is please don't feed my child it was kind of you to offer but it's our routine to eat together.

Is your rule so rigid that you don't allow your kids to have dinner at a friend's house when they've been invited over to play? What about the routine of the family whose house they're visiting?

frenchfancy81 · 02/04/2022 00:12

@MissMaple82

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!! Thats really bad. And yes you should have either fed the child or communicated better with the mother.
Year 6...
CorvusPurpureus · 02/04/2022 00:20

I am admittedly taken aback by the 'we normally eat as a family at 8pm' posts.

I shovel food at my teenagers by 6pm. Increasingly, they'll be doing their own thing (& are very good at letting me know).

By 7pm, I'm either back at work, if the endless marking back up requires it, or if I've decided to take a night off, I'll have my feet up & be watching a movie. I'm definitely not going to be providing dinner by this point - usually there'll be leftovers they can microwave.

Either way, everyone is ideally in bed by midnight.

I don't get how a lovely civilised 8pm dinner translates into downtime after dinner, a decent night's sleep & getting up by 6 or 7 for work/school. At least two of us in my family (teacher, IB Y13 student) are regularly zonked out cold by 8pm.

I agree it's a nice time to eat. I'd definitely do that on holiday. I'm a bit surprised that it's a routine for dc in term time.

But I'm sticking to my original point: this is the age when they hang out with different families so you just go with the flow. & yes, if in doubt, feed them.

Notaordinarygirl · 02/04/2022 00:21

Hi op what country are you now in?

Clockstooforward · 02/04/2022 00:23

I always gave snacks for yr 6 but never cooked a meal …I genuinely cannot understand why you would…too early !!

lanthanum · 02/04/2022 00:28

@carefullycourageous

You haven't done anything wrong, but I would say a lot of Uk parents feed their primary aged kids before 6pm, and so it would be expected that they would have tea on a playdate that went on until after 6pm.

Just drop the mum a text, say sorry if there was a mix up over tea, we usually eat much later, but it was lovely to have her and I hope she would like to come again, we can happily do some tea for the kids earlier.

If the mum is still arsey about it - it is her issue, not yours. She was rude to make you aware of it IMO.

Agree with this.

DD was invited to a friend's, fairly new to the country, for a time like 12.30/1. I wasn't sure if that would be assumed to be before or after lunch, so I asked, and was told she'd feed her lunch. As they were only 5, I also asked if I could come along too. I was very relieved I'd given her a sandwich before we went just in case, as lunch didn't appear until about 2.30.

You just have to get into the habit of asking "what time do you normally eat", or similar.

Flickflak · 02/04/2022 00:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheGirlWhoLived · 02/04/2022 00:44

M my y kids (y6 including) eat dinner at 5, I wouldn’t be surmised at no dinner but wouldn’t care

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2022 00:59

@littleangel50

Are you not worried that your child will miss socially if you never let them eat outside of your routine?! Don’t be binded by routine,

RosesAndHellebores · 02/04/2022 01:00

Absolutely the child should have been fed. Ours used to eat at 6. An hour later than most friends because my side is "continental". I worked full time. When dd was Yr6, the au-pair sorted tea/supper.

DH is from the North. His mother would no more have offered a meal to someone else than she'd have flown to the moon.

olympicsrock · 02/04/2022 01:01

My 10 year old usually has ‘tea between 5 and 6 pm. I always offer to feed children around this time.
We do separate adult : childrens mealtime

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2022 01:03

Also you gave the child plentiful snacks, she will not have been starving

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2022 01:05

How do those who work have dinner at 6pm or earlier?!

Presumably you finish work at 5pm at the latest and then have to get home etc. Do you all live v close to your work? Or are you doing quick easy meals that require very little prepare

DidWeHaveAWinter · 02/04/2022 01:14

If i had another child from school till 6.30pm
I would of 100% gave them dinner

CelestiaNoctis · 02/04/2022 01:41

The mum shouldn't have assumed. But any playdate past 6 means dinner.