Should I have fed this child?

[yogahippo]

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

I gave up trying to understand UK parenting when I was there OP. So many complex rules.

So I just ignored them and people wrote me off as the Mad Australian Mum.

Wouldn't have bothered me or DC either way. If they hadn't had dinner there at that age they would just make a sandwich when they got home.

We tend to eat around 7pm(ish) when everyone is home. House full of food so if someonenis hungry earlier they get a snack.

We are home in Oz now and the kids are older so it is all much easier. Happy to report that both children have more than adequate social lives/skills.

LOVING the weird sex Mum story OP
.

Re your OP, if it’s any consolation we eat late too and I definitely would not assume that the child should be fed. But I’d probably say something like “Is your Mum expecting you home for tea?” to the girl. In fact, come to think of it, when I was 11 and playing round at a friend’s that was the standard- you knew what time dinner was and you went home for it.

@yogahippo - much empathy. I have been the weird expat mum too. (Only as an Aussie living in the Netherlands!) People just expect you to know the normal cultural customs and give up your own. I would say that Aussies are about halfway between English and Dutch when it comes to being “Direct” and micro-managing their kids. I absolutely believe the Dutch gynaecologist books story and am PMSL at the thought of your DS “educating” American kids. We had our kids at the Intnl Dept of a Dutch School initially, and an American mum at our school was lobbying for all the books to be changed to American English because “it was the most widely used English in the world.” Ummm no… A quick show of hands from native English speakers from around the world changed her world view. She was equally horrified to discover that July 4th was not a public holiday in the Netherlands, and tried for that. I started asking how she celebrated Australia Day at home in America and she didn’t get it.
Anyhow, I hope you feel better about things soon! X

@MissMaple82

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!! Thats really bad. And yes you should have either fed the child or communicated better with the mother.

Year six ( ages 10-11) not AGED 6

@Camoye

People will try to show off on here and pretend they feed their 2 year old at 11pm because they just couldn’t possibly eat earlier.

In reality if you have a child over at any time between 5 and 7pm you offer dinner as a matter of course. If you aren’t going to you must specifically state it although you’d sound a bit mean and odd. Anyone who tells you different is lying or bonkers.

Not sure why you assume it's showing off. Do you always jump to emotional conclusions about people? We always ate as a family (dc are now grown). We are around 7-7:30. I assumed others did the same. We didn't do the thing lots of MN families seem to do based on this thread where they don't eat as a family. DC has a healthy snack when They returned from school like fruit, yoghurt, crudités and hummus, platter of bits and pieces. They then got down ti the business of playing. Seems odd to me that a dc would come for a play date and waste half of it sitting to eat a meal

@olympicsrock

My 10 year old usually has ‘tea between 5 and 6 pm. I always offer to feed children around this time. We do separate adult : childrens mealtime

Even at age 10?

We have nearly always eaten together as a family.
The the issue about evening meals when DD had friends over was pretty easy because she always said "can xxx come for tea?" So a meal was always a given.

Parenting morphs over time and to suit individual families. I'll add that my dh is a workaholic and was rarely home before 9.30pm.

Up until DD was about 7 I was a sahm or part-time. Play dates at our primary were called "teas". Visiting DC ate with the hosting families children or the family - at ours, I fed the children, usually at 6ish. They had crackers, fruit, a little cheese/ham at 4ish because they were usually starving.

When they were about 7 and 10 I went back to work full-time and the au-pair fed and ate with DC and sorted the after school activities. Our au-pairs fared very well because often both dc were out at tea or an activity and I'd do the pick-up. By then ds was 11/12 and if he had after school sports training or a match - it involved teas.
Plays/teas tail off at 11ish ime and homework/sport/music take over. I was usually home by 6.30. We had Swedish au-pairs and they were all great cooks because in Sweden the "ready meal" culture wasn't a thing. They ate with the dc at 6ish and I often joined them and there was enough for me. Pizza, pasta, wonderful mincemeat pastry tarts with egg, meatballs, meatloaf and we all were converted to hardbreed.

I used to make something for DH and if he was home before 10 would sit with him and have a glass of wine while he ate.

As DS hit 13/14 (there was a year when he grew 8 inches) he needed food as fuel and they were too big for au-pairs and he would have a ready meal or pasta (I used to make big bowls of pasta salad in the fridge for him to help himself) before I made dinner for 7.30 (getting in at about 6.30).

In the late teenage years "teas" morph into "gatherings" where the dc seem to take turns in having about 8 teenagers round and playing music and laughing and breaking the odd window and from about 16 beers become involved. Parents generally order pizza and have ice-cream in the fridge and fruit in the fruit bowl.

Then they leave home and leave their parents to fend entirely for themselves. We tend to eat at 9ish because DH is still late home and nowadays I often am not home until 8pm. DD is at home presently and cooks on Thursdays - she eats at 7ish - we eat later.

At weekends we tended to eat together at about 6.30 (still do) because the dc usually had plans or homework to catch up on.

I always fed children, I was born in England and get the social norms but my cultural background means food and drink is always offered. I did used to serve English food and did always check for allergies though.

DS had a sleepover when he was 13 and they had got up really early and he has cooked them a Chinese style breakfast. I wouldn’t have minded but he used all my pork, we still joke about it. I was expecting his mates to have shreddies or cornflakes.

@Camoye

People will try to show off on here and pretend they feed their 2 year old at 11pm because they just couldn’t possibly eat earlier.

In reality if you have a child over at any time between 5 and 7pm you offer dinner as a matter of course. If you aren’t going to you must specifically state it although you’d sound a bit mean and odd. Anyone who tells you different is lying or bonkers.

Eh? How’s it showing off? I have never known anyone who feeds children at 5pm, for example. I’d say anyone who says they eat at 5pm is lying or bonkers. Even when my DC were babies and toddlers, they didn’t get picked up from the childminder until 6pm, and then we had to get home -five mins’ walk- and then start preparing food for tea. So it would be 6:30 to eat at the very earliest. At primary school, I picked up at finishing time, but no way would anyone ever eat at 5pm. Not even on play dates. No one.

I find that quite late for dinner as she goes to bed an hour after eating, she must be starving after school and need snacks just fo keep her going till dinner time. Then she’s pretty much getting ready and going to bed straight after. I don’t find it very healthy and don’t see the issue with her being hungry for breakfast either.

I’d also have expected dinner but I’d not have asked nor said anything.

@Adeleskirts

I find that quite late for dinner as she goes to bed an hour after eating, she must be starving after school and need snacks just fo keep her going till dinner time. Then she’s pretty much getting ready and going to bed straight after. I don’t find it very healthy and don’t see the issue with her being hungry for breakfast either.

I’d also have expected dinner but I’d not have asked nor said anything.

Yes this. TBH I'd have been horrified at that many snacks. Far too many calories and sugar for an after-school snack but we do have to watch my son's food intake as his body does not have the off-button of a slim person. I guess you need massive snacks if you're eating too late but I think just one of the 3 options would be a normal snack. I would not have said anything though and if arranged again I would politely ask for just one snack and a pick up at 5:30 as eating too much later would mess up bed-time for us. I would see it as different cultures though and not think my child should not come to your, or yours to ours, just because of this.

We normally eat together at 6.30/7pm, but for play dates we assume that we should feed the other kid and do an earlier dinner (5.30/6pm) for them both. However, we always ask the other parent first and scope out what they might like to eat, which saves misunderstandings.

I’m surprised at people saying their kids go to bed so early. We do lights off at 9-9.30 here.

In year 6 my son still needed to be in bed by 8:30 latest. Some kids need more sleep than others I think.

I’d have checked with the parent whether they wanted dinner. But your dinner time seems late by U.K. standards. If I was picking up at 6.30 I probably would have assumed dinner had been had, except I’d have checked what was happening when it was all arranged.

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!!

I love it when people are so ready to jump to outrage about children and phones that it affects their ability to read. 😆

We eat tea at 5-6pm. I would have definitely fed that child. Anyone coming to mine gets fed.

I’m surprised at people saying their kids go to bed so early. We do lights off at 9-9.30 here.

It’s not “so early” 8.30 bedtime for children who should be getting 9-11 hours sleep is entirely appropriate.

I wouldn’t dwell on it, it’s a Friday night and people often eat later on Fridays!

In our house my DD eats tea at nursery (2) and has a snack when home, my Ds (7) doesn’t eat tea until about 645-7ish as one of us normally finishes in the office at 5pm, commute gets us home for 6pm.

@BoredZelda some people on this thread said bedtime was 7pm, which in the context of y6 child is early in my opinion. I don’t consider 8.30pm to be early or much different to 9pm.

@olympicsrock

We ate as a family as soon as they could sit in a high chair, 6.30 is our normal eating time, kids went to bed at 8 when they were small, grown up now. Never got the concept of adults eating separately, if exh was going to be late he got his warmed up in the microwave - I might add this is how I was brought up to, if dad was late his food was on a plate covered in foil over boiling water pre microwave!

You are brilliant @yogahippo!

Oh dear OP, I'm from the UK and I didn't know play date meant dinner! I don't expect mine to be fed if they go somewhere until 6 ish, but would assume a snack - I wouldn't be arsey if they weren't offered one. Trying to think if I've inadvertently not given someone dinner, but don't think I have - more through fluke than anything else. My kids tend to get their dinner at some point between 530-630, but are younger than yours OP.

some people on this thread said bedtime was 7pm, which in the context of y6 child is early in my opinion. I don’t consider 8.30pm to be early or much different to 9pm.

Depends when they need to get up. And how long it takes them to get ready and get to bed.

7pm bedtime for a year 6 child (who will be secondary school in 5 months time) must be highly exceptional surely.

I’m assuming those who said 7pm misread and thought it was a 6 year old.

As a parent, I wouldn't have cared either way. My DC is still too little for unaccompanied playdates, but when I visited friends as a child, snacks and meals varied from house to house. Some would just give snacks while at some houses we had a proper sit-down meal. Some houses were apple slices and carrot sticks only. At one house, my friend and I were left all day to eat cereal and make jelly (we found a spare pack of jelly cubes in the cupboard) as the mum was busy preparing for an art show and completely forgot about us. She remembered at around 9pm that we hadn't eaten all day (I was sleeping over) and took us to a very expensive restaurant nearby where the only thing I really liked was the prawn crackers. I was quite glad to get home the next day to my mother's lasagne. My parents found it hilarious and I played there several more times but they always sent me with snacks after that. I don't think they ever cared whether I was fed (their view was that it doesn't do a healthy child any harm to go without food for a bit), but they'd ask me what I'd had on the way home and I'd get beans on toast or leftovers if still hungry.

We always eat quite late compared to most I know (7-730ish)

But when ds had friends over they would have dinner together

No big deal ds has been on play dates and not had dinner he ate when he got home I just assumed like is they eat later