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Original poster

Should I have fed this child?

498 replies

yogahippo · 01/04/2022 19:58

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

OP posts:
OliveLover01 · 01/04/2022 22:50

We don’t live in UK and all the locals make fun of all British Irish American people here because we all feed our kids so early. Our neighbours kids are so confused when i send them home because we are about to eat and they eat at 7.30. But I don’t get it really…. Their bedtime is 8 so they go to bed on a heavily full stomach with little time for bath teeth story cuddles routine. My kids are usually finished dinner by 7 and then they have start bath/bed routine and are asleep by 8.10(give or take 5m). Plus my kids are too tired to eat any later.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 01/04/2022 22:51

@marvellousmaple

All these people eating dinner at 5pm, or even earlier!!! do you have a partner that gets home later than that? Do they have to eat on their own? Mother of 4 here and I have never fed a child at 5pm and don't know anyone that does. It's practically the middle of the afternoon. OP you were fine.
Dh and l both get gone by 4.30pm absolute latest so tend to eat between 5pm and 5.30pm - always cleared away in time to watch the 6pm news!
Dixiechickonhols · 01/04/2022 22:52

Love the Dutch sex ed books story. In terms of faux pas this is no where in same league. No harm done.

Interested in this thread?

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Families Primary education
MyFieldOfFucksIsBarren · 01/04/2022 22:53

We generally never ate until 6.30ish at that age either. I would ask personally but
if I was the other mum I wouldn't assume another family eat at the same time as us either, especially if they didn't ask about allergies or likes/dislikes.

RampantIvy · 01/04/2022 22:53

so tend to eat between 5pm and 5.30pm

How are you hungry so early? I wouldn't want to eat at that time unless I had no lunch.

impossible · 01/04/2022 22:53

When my DCs were younger I would have expected them to have had tea by 6/6.30 if at a friend's house - and I would have fed children coming to see my DCs. I would also have checked with other parents in case the visiting child had allergies, were veggie etc.

Here young children are fed quite early so if DD's friend has younger siblings DM may already have cooked for them. If so she would then have had to cook again for your daughter's friend. It doesn't sound as though she was deliberately rude, just a bit caught out. If I were you I would speak to her when you see her next, just to clear the air.

In future just ask parents if you should feed their DCs when they come to yours to play.

Do t worry though. I hope you're settling in well.

Booklover3 · 01/04/2022 22:55

You aren’t doing anything wrong. I would never have assumed you would’ve fed my child 2bh.

GeminiTwin · 01/04/2022 22:57

Yeah I would've fed the child.

They shouldn't presume and a bit more communication between you would've been better. But I wouldn't send a child home that time, without dinner, when the rest of the family have probably eaten and she's hungry.

I tend to look at it as any 'play dates' (hate that term,) after school hours means dinner.

Play dates on the weekends or during the day, not so much.

stormswiftlysweetafton · 01/04/2022 22:58

It's not as though it was 9pm and she still hadn't been fed. The other mother might not have been happy to deviate from her plan or schedule, but she was rude to show it. At her daughter's age, she will be perfectly fine eating a little later than usual, and I'm sure they had something around the house that she could eat when she got home.

AliceMcK · 01/04/2022 23:03

My DD year 5 went to a play date, it was a Saturday, the parent was desperate for the play date ( both our DDs new to the school in lockdown and get on well). My dd went straight after a dance class on a Saturday just after 3pm, my DH dropped off, DH gave her a pack of fancy biscuits to share with her friend ( we live by the never go to someone’s house empty handed rule). The mum said come back about 6.30-7pm. DH didn’t think to ask about dinner, just assumed at that time our dd would be fed, just like I would. She wasn’t, the only thing she had was some of the biscuits she took. I was not impressed especially as she’d gone straight after dance. Apparently she wasn’t even offered water.

I would never have a child in my home without offering anything at all and if they are staying until 6.30-7pm they would definitely be eating dinner. I’d obviously say we are having x for dinner is their child ok with that.

Even my DCs know to offer food, it’s what you do when you have visitors, my DCs have been taught always offer guests a drink and snack.

Carla2601 · 01/04/2022 23:05

OP, first I LOVE the sex ed story, you made my Friday. Second I love that you care so much about impact on your family that you’re trying so hard. Third if I was a school mum at your school I would 100% be trying to make friends. Good luck (and don’t worry about the dinner….I think it’s probably forgotten already and wasn’t your bad regardless)

Changeee1546789 · 01/04/2022 23:05

YANBU OP. At all. We eat around 7pm. She should have checked not assumed. Plus you gave them snacks!

Phewthatwasclose · 01/04/2022 23:06

@Hugasauras

Playdates are obv a minefield! Am I the only one who genuinely wouldn't give a shit either way? If she'd been fed, great. It not, she can have something at home. What's the big deal? Dreading DD getting to the age where friends come round solo as apparently I have zero clue Grin
Ha ha! Same! I don’t think 11 year olds need to eat at 6pm, they are not toddlers! Anything up to about 8.30pm is normal in our house dinner wise (but then we’ve never been the types to ship the kids off to bed at 7pm, so maybe that’s why!)
lisaandalan · 01/04/2022 23:09

I would have made them dinner and had mine later as usual. X

Marty13 · 01/04/2022 23:10

Haven't rtft but I think this is a british thing. My kids usually eat at 19h30 too and I wouldn't have thought to offer food as it's usually not a good idea to feed a child before dinner. And I wouldn't have thought to ask the other mum as it wouldn't have crossed my mind that people would feed a child at 5 or 6pm. Seems extremely early to me. But I guess it's a cultural issue.

By all means explain to the mum you weren't being rude or skint, but don't take any shit from her either. She could just as well have clarified that it's after dinner for them. Plus the kid's 11, not 1, presumably if she was starving she was able to communicate her needs and/or mention her family eat very early.

Marty13 · 01/04/2022 23:11

Eta - my kids are 2 and 3 btw, and they've always had their last meal/bottle of the day at 8pm (obviously as babies they also had night feeds)

VyeBrator · 01/04/2022 23:12

We always ate at 5.30 but I would never presume anyone would feed my child. It's weird that as her child has a phone, she didn't just message her and ask if she was having dinner at yours.

trainnane · 01/04/2022 23:14

Mine eat around 6 so would ask if I should feed visiting child.

Marty13 · 01/04/2022 23:20

Well, now I read all of OP's posts and had a good laugh. I hear you OP. I also move around countries a lot and ran into this issue. Lots of micromanaging and very soft parenting where I am now (south america). I was deemed harsh because I said DS had to go to school whether he liked it or not...

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/04/2022 23:20

I would always feed a child a meal on a play date and I’d have been unimpressed picking my 10/11 year old 6.30 unfed, meaning I’d have to either start cooking when I got in at 7 or do a drive through.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/04/2022 23:21

I probably would have expected child to have been fed but I wouldn't be put out if not - we normally eat around 630ish so would have something available for him at home. Worst comes to worst he could always have toast.

My Y5 10 year old goes to bed about 9.

NotNotNotMyName · 01/04/2022 23:23

It really depends - she should have checked first and not just assumed but it’s no big deal. I’d be more concerned if she’s making a fuss about it - v rude.

For a younger child maybe, but by year 6 mine were eating at around 7-8pm

Kite22 · 01/04/2022 23:24

In reality if you have a child over at any time between 5 and 7pm you offer dinner as a matter of course. If you aren’t going to you must specifically state it although you’d sound a bit mean and odd.

This is my thinking, although you are excused if you have lived all round the world and not got used to the ways Smile

I agree with the pp who said it was far easier when parents would ask if your child could "come round for tea, after school" and everyone would know where they stood.

gogohm · 01/04/2022 23:26

It is normal to feed kids but pick up at 6.30 is marginal, we never ate until then

SeaToSki · 01/04/2022 23:29

A good opener to finding out about food expectations is

Any food or other allergies I should be aware of?

Then you can mention whether snacks or snacks and dinner are part of what you want to offer. And since you are the host, you decide what you are offering, and then they can come over or not if it doesnt suit (or negociate a compromise based on the exigencies of the evening)