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Original poster

Should I have fed this child?

498 replies

yogahippo · 01/04/2022 19:58

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 02/04/2022 20:38

I think you've learned from this thread that there is absolutely no consensus on feeding children! Which is unsurprising because a year six might have siblings who are in sixth form and eat with working parents at 8pm, or might have baby siblings and a SAHM and be fed separately from parents at 5pm. Personally I see 9pm as a normal time to eat and couldn't imagine having supper at 6pm. There's no right or wrong way, and the other child's parent was rude. You sound lovely and like you're doing a great job helping your daughter acclimatise to life in the UK.

Pinkcadillac · 02/04/2022 20:39

and cancel the cheque

linsey2581 · 02/04/2022 20:41

@TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine I’m a nurse and i used to do shift work on the wards but I was redeployed to the community covid testing team and I now work 8.30-4.30pm and 8-2 weekends. My hubby is also a nurse and he still works shifts in the hospital. Tbf my commute to work is only 15 mins in the car but it would be an hour each way if I were to get the bus. Because I’m out in the community all day my main meal tends to be my tea (I’m Scottish not northern) as I tend to pick at foods during the day as I’ve discovered eating on the move is bad for my digestive system.

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dumdumduuuummmmm · 02/04/2022 20:42

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Yellownightmare · 02/04/2022 20:49

I'd have asked her if she was hungry and taken it from there. Lots of people do eat their evening meal a bit earlier here and you do tend to get used to eating at a particular time, so might get hungry.

Daygm1973 · 02/04/2022 21:02

We live, we learn. No harm done. The fact that you had your child's friend over and gave them snacks shows your generousity. Best just ask next time.

linsey2581 · 02/04/2022 21:03

@dumdumduuuummmmm I am neither a northerner or common. I am Scottish and my meals are called breakfast, dinner and tea.

MrsDThomas · 02/04/2022 21:06

Complete bitch there @dumdumduuuummmmm. With honours 🎓

MrsDThomas · 02/04/2022 21:07

Im welsh and we have breakfast lunch tea and supper.

Or brecwast, cinio, tê a swper.

BeNice74 · 02/04/2022 21:09

You gave them snacks so I think it was fine and it wasn't as though she was there till 9 at night!! Just talk it over with the parent/s next time to avoid confusion and possible rudeness lol. Not new but some of the comments are typically arrogant 🙄

Whatwouldnanado · 02/04/2022 21:12

Sounds like you are doing a great job. If my teens bring people home after school they make toast, drinks, fruit first thing. Dinner is 6.30-7pm and whoever's about is offered a meal. When they were younger and parents were involved we didn't call them 'play dates' it was just 'coming round for tea after school' with no room for misunderstandings!

Sushi7 · 02/04/2022 21:15

They had snacks so I think it’s fine you didn’t make her dinner! Her mum arrived at 6:25? So she expected her to be fed before 6pm? I think before 6:30 is early to have dinner!

Silvers11 · 02/04/2022 21:16

Hindsight is a great thing. You didn't do anything wrong at all and actually I think the Other Mum was being a bit rude. I would text the other Mum and explain that you don't eat dinner until around 7.15 and you are sorry that maybe you should have explained that when you arranged for her daughter to come over. Explain that you did give her some snacks, but that next time she comes over the two of you can decide before hand whether her daughter stays a bit later to eat with you and your family or whether her Mum will feed her after she picks her up at an earlier time. EVERYONE is different and just because some people eat early in this country, some people, as you have now discovered, do something more similar to yourself. Neither is wrong (or right) - just different

Romeiswheretheheartis · 02/04/2022 21:18

When my dd was that age, her friend used to come home with her one night/week before they went to a club. I used to feed them tea about 5.15pm, in time to get them to the club. It turned out that after the club, when friend went home (about 8pm) she would then have a full meal with her family, whereas as far as I was concerned dd had had her meal and if she was hungry later then I'd just give her a snack. Different families, different ideas about when to eat, nothing wrong with that (other than friend was getting 2 meals in one evening!).

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2022 21:19

@dumdumduuuummmmm

FU

Mandyjack · 02/04/2022 21:22

If I was the girls mother I'd have asked her if she was eating there not assumed. 6.25pm isn't that late for Yr 6 to eat when they got home.

Barrequeen · 02/04/2022 21:23

@MissMaple82

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!! Thats really bad. And yes you should have either fed the child or communicated better with the mother.
Year 6! Read the post
MeandT · 02/04/2022 21:33

@yogahippo you have lightened my evening! Just GrinGrinGrin At the thought of anyone NC born and bred trying to get their heads round a Dutch sex-ed book!!!

If you've survived that, a playground tut for eating 'continentally' late just fades into insignificant, doesn't it?

Vive la différence Flowers xx

Shoutymomma · 02/04/2022 21:36

Here is the script:
Do you have dinner plans or would you like him/her to eat with us? We usually have hot/cold on a Friday and eat around 6/7:8/11pm.

Inc if you have a special diet, esp if you want to.

Mandyjack · 02/04/2022 21:45

@yogahippo

So... very divided opinions. !

It's YEAR 6 (age11) not 6 years old hence the fact they used their phones.

I did text mum to make sure she was ok with the play date. My other 2 are much older so friends just come and go like the wind!

She was fed when they arrived. Snacks (apple pancake DD made, a cinnamon roll, some crisps and a few drinks.) DD usually has a snack when she gets in and then we all eat together as a family about 7.15 ish. I really didn't think that was late and it works for us as I don't want to cook multiple meals and it's nice to eat the same thing together. I can't do it earlier because DH isn't home and DS goes to college quite a long way away and he sees his girlfriend after college...

I asked because culturally I keep not quite getting it right. Children from my country have a lot more freedom at 11 to go places and I think I've raised some eyebrow. A few weeks ago she went with a friend back to her house after school (texted me to say she was going) and the mum called me in a particular panic when she got home and found DD there. DD is 11, I knew where she was, it's local, I wasn't worried. However I think I was judged badly a bit.

I am learning! I will be explicit next time I arrange something as I think this was the main contention.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong to me if DD texted you & you knew where she was. I think at 11/12 they need to have some freedom and this is the age I started to let my DD go to town with friends alone or stay at home alone (under instructions not to answer the door) for very short periods if we had to pop out.
MummytoCSJH · 02/04/2022 21:47

I can see I’m really late to the thread but I think this was just a miscommunication and not on your part; the other parent should’ve asked. We eat quite late. DS has a few friends who come round regularly. If it’s arranged as in I pick them up from school and they’re coming for tea, I’ll feed the kids earlier, not convenient but okay if pre arranged. Another friend lives on the next street and will often knock to ask if DS is playing - fine yes but if DS does play and they go back and forth between houses his mum will usually ask if he can eat with us (she does have DS round to hers too but works from home so more difficult) which is completely fine if he’s willing to wait until later on, but sometimes he has to go home before that so I’m constantly having to remind them that we won’t be eating till late.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2022 21:49

@Jack80

Maybe message and say you eat later and didn’t think about tea but will next time.
I wouldn't rearrange my family's normal mealtime or end up cooking 2 meals. I'd simply say "We eat dinner/supper/tea at 7 pm if 'Sally' wants to stay for dinner/supper/tea."

Let 'Sally's' mother figure things out from there. She can pick her up and feed her at their usual time or she can figure one 'late' meal isn't going to hurt her.

Mandyjack · 02/04/2022 21:50

It's your house, your family and you eat when it suits you not someone else. You don't need to change your culture or habits to fit in with others. The Mum shouldn't have assumed.

Loginmystery · 02/04/2022 21:51

I always feed children who are guests in my house but my god the miserly parents we know who have had my child and given nothing to eat. These are super wealthy families. Mansions and nanny’s housekeepers, swimming pools. The whole lot. Afraid to give my children a biscuit. I never let them go back to visit and we talk about them for years.

headspin10 · 02/04/2022 22:14

I think that was quite rude of the mum. I wouldn't expect a play date to necessarily include dinner.