Should I have fed this child?

[yogahippo]

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

[quote linsey2581]@deadlanguage I finish work at 4.30pm and normally home for 5pm so have my tea asmoon as I get in. My kids are 18 and 19 so normally help themselves or make the tea for me coming in or if hubby is on an early shift he makes it. I couldn’t eat a big meal after 6.30 as I go to bed at 10pm and the thought of a big meal sitting in my stomach at that time of night would make me feel ill.[/quote]
But surely you can comprehend that most people do not finish work as early as you and therefore are not able to eat early? I don’t even get home until 6.30 so it’s 7-7.30 by the time I’ve cooked. I also go to bed around 10pm (get up at 5.45am) but still manage to digest my food.

If my children have friends over I cook them dinner, it's part of the excitement for my kids, and I know how hungry my children are after school therefore they get snacks and dinner.

Reading this just shows how all families are different. I have an hour commute each way and work 7-3 (other wise commute would be twice as long!). I have breakfast when I get to work, lunch at 12 and tea with the kids at 5pm. They go to bed at 7pm, eldest chills for a bit and lights off at 8pm. We are all starving by tea time, but also eating early means there's no need for snacks and unnecessary filling up on junk. Kids are up early (by most people's reckoning) to walk to school for 7.30am

Personally. I would have messaged the parent and asked if I should give the child tea. Similarly, if a child comes round in the afternoon, I always check they’ve had lunch to make sure they’ve eaten. My kids can have dinner dead early or dead late, depending on what time we finish work and what clubs etc they have on in the evening. But I know some parents get their kid to bed by 7pm or even 6:30pm. In my house we’re only just getting home then. Every household has different routines and it’s always best to check.

For primary school age children it's normal to offer dinner ime.
Once they get to teens 6.30 is borderline but Id still offer unless I literally didn't have enough food.
They are normally starving when they come out of school so mine ate between 5pm and 6pm at primary depending on how organised I was.
7.30 seems late for a young child to eat on a school day.
Anyway presumably she was offered a snack and a drink so hopefully wasn't fading away!
That said the mum sounded rude, I would have been surprised and maybe
a bit miffed as would have potentially had to go home and cook again just for one child who may have been very hungry. Next time when you text to arrange a playdate just say that you don't eat till 7 30 so will offer a snack but not dinner. No harm done and I'm sure the DC had a lovely time.

Ooh the teatime pick up conundrum!

Always best to say what time you normally eat and if you're feeding / expecting kids to be fed or not.

Don't worry about it now though, just check next time.

At that age, I would expect kids to have eaten if it was near seven, but not if it was before half five.

So.... you're bang in nobody knows wtf is going on time!

@carefullycourageous your right side has done nothing wrong, bug I think your wrong to assume most uk parents feed their kids before 6pm unless a) sahm, b) work PT or c) do indeed work FT but survive on takeaway or chicken nuggets /fish fingers chips and beans ! As a two parent household both working 40hr weeks and some days with commute and extra curricular activities for both kids we always eat between 6-8pm with home cooked veg and meat meals.

Having said that I have always fed on play dates but they eat later with us and parents made aware so if they don't want them eating 6-8pm then they pick them up and feed them

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@underneaththeash* @velvet24*

Seems strange logic to eat later yourself but assume on playdates, dinner must be earlier. [/quote]
Why? Small children need more sleep, get hungrier earlier, are less able to wait. So you obviously feed them earlier.

Why? Small children need more sleep, get hungrier earlier, are less able to wait. So you obviously feed them earlier.

Oh so you mean just the adults usually eat later, rather than your whole family including the child that is the same age as the visitors?

@Runnerduck34

For primary school age children it's normal to offer dinner ime. Once they get to teens 6.30 is borderline but Id still offer unless I literally didn't have enough food. They are normally starving when they come out of school so mine ate between 5pm and 6pm at primary depending on how organised I was. 7.30 seems late for a young child to eat on a school day. Anyway presumably she was offered a snack and a drink so hopefully wasn't fading away! That said the mum sounded rude, I would have been surprised and maybe a bit miffed as would have potentially had to go home and cook again just for one child who may have been very hungry. Next time when you text to arrange a playdate just say that you don't eat till 7 30 so will offer a snack but not dinner. No harm done and I'm sure the DC had a lovely time.

@Runnerduck34 You don’t have to go home and cook just for one child. You could just give them a sandwich or beans on toast. They could even do it them self. Simple.

So OP, I personally think that you just messed up this moms plans at “no cooking for the kids for the dinner” or something like that.
If she picked up the kid at 6.25…. What time do they expect them having said dinner, at 5.30??

Having reading some of this thread I gasped when I read that some people feed their 10-11 yo at 5-6pm.
In my family we would be starting at 11pm again!

Born in Italy, I’ve never heard anyone having dinner before 7pm (and that’s kind of early too).
I guess 7-8pm it’s a usual time. And in Italy school starts much earlier at around 7.45-8.20am (depends on schools and areas).

I would personally probably just text the mum and really say that you as a family have a later routine and no malice was intended!
That’s what I would do if she likes it… good, if not let it jog.

(Yes, I was also quite independent at 11-12) 🫢

Yes the friends parents would expect you to a child's evening meal is usually around 5pm. If your year 6 eats at 7:30 what is her bedtime? A year 6 should be in bed by 7:30.

Why does a year 6 child HAVE to be in bed by 7.30? 10 - 12 hours sleep a night is enough at that age. My kid would have woken up at 7 for school so she went to bed at 9 which was plenty of sleep. Besides we are talking about a one off here. If people are so anxious and rigid about their 10/11 year olds bed time that they feel having dinner at gone 6.30 will wreak havoc then that's up to them to manage not the person who has invited them round for a play. Check with the host. Pick them up in time for their normal tea time. But don't expect other people to somehow know what time your kid has tea and goes to bed and cater for that.

@5095juhig

Yes the friends parents would expect you to a child's evening meal is usually around 5pm. If your year 6 eats at 7:30 what is her bedtime? A year 6 should be in bed by 7:30.

@5095juhig

What?! An eleven year old should be in bed at 7.30pm?! Way too early

@Coughee

Why does a year 6 child HAVE to be in bed by 7.30? 10 - 12 hours sleep a night is enough at that age. My kid would have woken up at 7 for school so she went to bed at 9 which was plenty of sleep. Besides we are talking about a one off here. If people are so anxious and rigid about their 10/11 year olds bed time that they feel having dinner at gone 6.30 will wreak havoc then that's up to them to manage not the person who has invited them round for a play. Check with the host. Pick them up in time for their normal tea time. But don't expect other people to somehow know what time your kid has tea and goes to bed and cater for that.

Good point actually. 9m bedtime, 7pm wake up does leave loads of time for sleep

Well my younger 2 are 9 and 11 and eat at 4.30 , works for them.

I have 4 dc ranging from 27 down to 9 and there's never been a time they've been for a play date and not been feed

Wouldn't be an issue if they weren't though and sounds like they had quite a bit of snack food.

mine have school dinners so if they were still hungry after what you fed them I'd have just given toast of something when they got home. Not a big deal

7.30 bedtime for a year 6 ? What time do they get up! My year 4 goes to bed around that time but that's because he's up before 6 whatever time he goes to sleep

As long as she had a snack she should be fine .. i usually have our dinner around 5pm so would have offered her something but would have checked with her parents first incase of any allergies.

I guess this simply points to the diversity of schedules in families. I used to worry I was doing it wrong because my child eats dinner at 7.30 or later because I work full time and can only cook after work. She sleeps at 10 and wakes at 7 for school. I remember being a bit unsure if I was doing it wrong. We had playdates with a few parents who put their child to bed by 7-8 but looking back their work situation was flexible and work hours were totally different from mine. Then I was relieved later to meet more parents from my workplace with meal and sleep schedules for their children which were identical to mine.

Usually if I’m hosting the play date I would ask the mum how long she wants her child to stay and if she wants her child to be fed, it makes things so much easier and clearer, avoid guessing each family’s dinner time habits. But if my child is going to someone else’s house I would be happy either way, definitely wouldn’t act anything rude. Sometimes if we’re taking my child out for dinner I just text the mum say I’m picking up at 6:00pm and we are eating out afterwards so he doesn’t need to be fed.

If dinner wasn’t mentioned, I personally wouldn’t just assume you’d feed my kid just because they were over to play.

It's well known that there are benefits to eating together as a family. Children get better eating habits and it's better for family relationships to sit and chat over an evening meal. So for parents who work, they get home at 6, have dinner at 6.30 or 6.45. That's far better imo than the kids having a separate dinner at 5 and barely seeing the working parent(s) in the evening.

I'm thinking 7pm dinner is normal for London because you're more likely to have two working parents here (rents higher etc). I'd never be feeding dinner at 5pm to any age of child, that's not even evening yet in my book! So I'll be getting playdates "wrong" too!

I also notice that parents who put their kids to bed super early often get upset that they wake up at 5am etc. (I had a nightmare neighbour whose kid woke up this early and was loud). 7.30/8pm is a really early bedtime unless the kid is a toddler - 10 hours in bed would mean 5.30/6am wake up! Most UK schools don't start till 8.30am, what are they going to do for almost 3 hours in the morning (answer: wake the neighbours lol)

I feel for you. I lived in the UK and raised kids there and came back to my home country after many years (decades) absence.

When I lived in UK, our family would eat later on play date nights as we had many children and my DH didn't then want to eat his dinner after work and try to relax with even more children around. So whoever had friends round would eat early with the friend and usually one or two of their brothers, depending who was home, and then eat again with us. So I never underestimated how much a child can eat!

Moving back to where I live now, with daughters, I noticed how much more freedom children have here, much as you saw in your previous country, and would get a text letting me know that X would be coming round or they would be going to Y after school. Also, lunchtimes for school is around 1pm, and they finish primary at 2.30 and high school at 2.45. They also start school earlier, anytime between 8.30 and 8.45 but have a longer morning recess where they have snacks. Primary children are also allowed to eat healthy snacks and have drinks during class times. So, for a child finishing school at 2.45, tea is given about 4 and then dinner about 6.30. Tea is usually light food such as sandwiches with fruit. But it's also not unusual for children to be picked up later as well. Especially because we have much longer days here, think British summertime all year round with average 14 hours of daylight every day (about 12 hours in winter and then 16 the rest of the year). Also, our winters aren't generally that cold, think UK springtime temperatures. It's also not unusual to see very young children, think year 2, walking themselves to school and home. Every school (except some private religious schools) has a free breakfast club for kids before school and also gives food to those children who forget their lunch or their lunch money. So vastly different to the UK. And lunches are all eaten picnic style with the teacher, unless it's raining, which is rare.

So, all this to say, that cultural differences abound and you can't keep everyone happy! You do what suits you best but maybe ramp up snacks to include sandwiches with cream cheese or meat fillings and fruit, possibly also a yoghurt. That way, if parents expect little Dory to have eaten, they've had something and maybe just need another light meal.

As a quick aside, I will also say that when I lived in the UK, even if my kids were playing out with neighbours children, if my kids came in for something to eat, or even just to grab an apple, the neighbours children also expected to be given food!! It's more unusual here to see kids playing in the street as there's more parks and everyone lives within minutes walk of one.

I would have done the same, just depends on what time you have your evening meal, we are quite random so for us might be anytime, but maybe many families have an early tea. Just a learning experience and next time discus with the mum what the play date will involve, you can always say that you have dinner later so it will just be snacks and can get something light for the child if required? I'm sure the children has so much fun they weren't even concerned ;-)